No. They. Didn't.

annieandandy2014

So, I'm baby sitting my girlfriend's daughters at her house. I see on her dining room table the invite to my bridal shower. Everything looks great until I turn it over. Now I want to vomit.

EF grammar

annieandandy2014

It says "join friends and family at a pre-wedding celebration for annie and Andy. Dress warmly and bring your small cash gift along with your hopes and dreams for the happy couple or visit their wedding registry at bb&b.com or Amazon.com"

G

Maggie0829

Oh no.

ohannabelle

Ohmygod. Oh, honey...have the invites already gone out, or is this friend the one sending them out?

Honestly, if it's the former, I would call every single person on the list, apologize, explain that you had no idea, and assure them you don't want their cash.  

We can't be responsible for or control other people's behavior, but we are responsible for how we react to it.

I'd make every one of those phone calls, even if it took all day.

annieandandy2014

Yes. It was my FMIL and cousin. When my FMIL brought up the money tree I said absolutely not and told my cousin to keep track of what she was planning. I am horrified.

annieandandy2014

Yes, I suppose I'm going to have to call everyone. Do I say something to FMIL? Or just leave it alone?

photokitty

I don't know what you should do. I would feel pretty awkward if you called me up and told me you didn't want cash and apologized. 

Some people might take it as a slight to your cousin and FMIL. Like you are bad mouthing them behind their backs. I think you are in a no win situation and I would just let it go. You aren't hosting the party and I would assume you didn't know about the cash suggestion.

Just acted super surprised if there is a money tree, act like you've never heard of such a thing. Act very confused, conflicted but grateful. Never say "what a fun/cute/clever idea."

GL!

lurkergirl

Are you still at her house?  Are all the invitations there?  Part of me would be tempted to glue that shit to construction paper just hide the back.  I am so sorry.

Regarding, FMIL...on the one hand I want to say leave her out of it.  But if you call everyone, she might get wind of it and be more offended.  IDK, I'm sure someone will have better advice for that one!  Good luck!!

Maggie0829

photokitty said:

I don't know what you should do. I would feel pretty awkward if you called me up and told me you didn't want cash and apologized. 

Some people might take it as a slight to your cousin and FMIL. I think you are in a no win situation and I would just let it go. You aren't hosting the party and I would assume you didn't know about the cash suggestion.

Just acted super surprised if there is money tree. And act like you've never heard of such a thing. Act very confused, conflicted but grateful. Never say "what a fun/cute/clever idea."

GL!

This.

Sorry but there would be no way I would be calling everyone up to apologize for what was written on the bridal shower invite.  Talk about awkward as fuck!  Not just for you but also for the person you are calling and for the individuals who sent the invitation.

photokitty

The largest problem I see is it says "bring cash OR a gift from the registry." It doesn't say for the money tree, so some folks will bring cash in envelopes.

This is a mess, I'm so sorry. I would have FI call FMIL and make her call all the guests to clarify the situation. If she won't then I would consider canceling the shower. Or just let it go - per my original suggestion.

To clarify for the OP - The girlfriend in question already receive the invite in the mail from the hosts - FMIL & cousin.

annieandandy2014

Fi doesn't know yet! But he will! I'm sure he won't be thrilled, but will probably say ' nothing we can do now, just let it go. ..' maybe it would be weird to call people? IDK

ohannabelle

I probably wouldn't mention it to FMIL.  People get very sensitive when they're doing rude things they don't think are rude. It's very possible someone might tell her, so I'd be careful to phrase it as diplomatically as possible- "I know that FMIL thought it was a wonderful idea, and I appreciate her kindness and would never hurt her feelings, but I'm just totally uncomfortable with this, so with all respect, please quietly disregard this request."

Jessie42613

Maggie0829 said:

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photokitty said:

I don't know what you should do. I would feel pretty awkward if you called me up and told me you didn't want cash and apologized. 

Some people might take it as a slight to your cousin and FMIL. I think you are in a no win situation and I would just let it go. You aren't hosting the party and I would assume you didn't know about the cash suggestion.

Just acted super surprised if there is money tree. And act like you've never heard of such a thing. Act very confused, conflicted but grateful. Never say "what a fun/cute/clever idea."

GL!

This.

Sorry but there would be no way I would be calling everyone up to apologize for what was written on the bridal shower invite.  Talk about awkward as fuck!  Not just for you but also for the person you are calling and for the individuals who sent the invitation.

I also agree with the above.  If I received that invitation, I would never assume the bride knew about the request for cash.  It would reflect on the hosts, not you.

I would not make the phone calls.

annieandandy2014

, I think FFamilyIL would be confused/upset if I called then and said PLEASE no cash! And my family and friends know (I hope! ) that i would never 'request cash' , so maybe I should just leave it alone and not allow money tree to be displayed if that is what she was planning on.
I can't even. I knew i should have put my foot down about no shower!

southernbelle0915

Ugh, that sucks. I'm sorry.

A couple of dear family friends threw my bridal shower. Nicest ladies you'll ever met. I left to use the bathroom and came back to them handing out envelopes for people to address their own thank you cards. This is one of my biggest poor etiquette hates. HATE it. I was like "oh y'all don't have to do that. Of course I'll send everyone thank you cards!" What else can you say? People were done filling them out and already putting them in a basket. *facepalm*

On the flip side, I went to a bridal shower that did the address-your-own-ty-envelope thing. I didn't fill one out just to see what happened. I never got a thank you note. 

Maggie0829

I think that if you call people you will make this into a much bigger deal then it is.  And you calling people and asking them to please ignore that request will get back to your FMIL and could cause major issues that will extend beyond the shower.

Seriously, pretend you didn't even see the invite.  Wash it from your mind.

grumbledore

southernbelle0915 said:

Ugh, that sucks. I'm sorry.

A couple of dear family friends threw my bridal shower. Nicest ladies you'll ever met. I left to use the bathroom and came back to them handing out envelopes for people to address their own thank you cards. This is one of my biggest poor etiquette hates. HATE it. I was like "oh y'all don't have to do that. Of course I'll send everyone thank you cards!" What else can you say? People were done filling them out and already putting them in a basket. *facepalm*

On the flip side, I went to a bridal shower that did the address-your-own-ty-envelope thing. I didn't fill one out just to see what happened. I never got a thank you note. 

I actually had FI make sure FMIL/FSIL didn't do this for my shower.  FSIL is a big Pinterest lover so I was a little worried.  Luckily they both thought it was horrifying.

 

OP - I think you just have to play dumb (and not particularly pleased, although I wouldn't be bitchy since I'm sure they meant well) at the shower.  Don't call FMIL.  Don't call the guests.

 

annieandandy2014

Okay, yes. Deep breaths. Mind scrubbing in progress! I wish I didn't see it!
EF spelling

MrsMack10612

martha1818 said:

I guess I have the unpopular opinion here, haha! If I went to an event that was in someone's honour and it involved something rude, I would judge both parties. For example, I already said this in another thread but I received a baby shower invite where it stated a request for gift cards. I knew the mom to be wasn't hosting but I still judged her. Reason being if I received this invite I would assume that the hosts would be asking what kind of gifts you want and not just assume you'd want cash, which is why I'd still judge.

I don't think that's fair.  Especially if the shower (baby or bridal) is a surprise, the guest of honor has no idea what the hosts are planning.  It's entirely possible the hosts know they are registered at XYZ, but also bring up gift cards without the honoree's knowledge.  Much like the OP, she had no idea they were doing this.

@southernbell0915 - I did something similar at a baby shower.  I didn't get my thank you until months later (but at least I eventually got one).

mikenberger

martha1818 said:

I guess I have the unpopular opinion here, haha! If I went to an event that was in someone's honour and it involved something rude, I would judge both parties. For example, I already said this in another thread but I received a baby shower invite where it stated a request for gift cards. I knew the mom to be wasn't hosting but I still judged her. Reason being if I received this invite I would assume that the hosts would be asking what kind of gifts you want and not just assume you'd want cash, which is why I'd still judge.

Yeah, that makes you a proper jerk. We don't always get asked what shower we want or what to expect. Sometimes people just do things and we're left holding the bag. 

I would have a hard time not saying something to FMIL (or the other host) but I would probably feign aghast along with my guests if someone mentioned it to me. Ugh. What an awful situation to be in!

jenijoyk

I second (third, fourth, etc.) the posters above that think you shouldn't call everyone. It's rude to point out the rudeness in others and that's how I would take it if I were a guest and you called me up to apologize on behalf of the hostess. I would also totally never judge the person in whose honor the party was, only the hosts. And I would judge silently.

annieandandy2014

I had no idea! And I never would have if I hadn't seen the invite on my girlfriends table. The only info I had was the date, time and my side of the guest list!

photokitty

annieandandy2014 said:

I had no idea! And I never would have if I hadn't seen the invite on my girlfriends table. The only info I had was the date, time and my side of the guest list!

Yikes...this could be your next problem. You should know the entire guests list as everyone invited tot he shower now must be invited tot he wedding. Hope she didn't add people on her side of the list.

perdonami

I agree with @martha1818 that name calling is unecessary and takes away from any valid points you may have had with stating your opinion. 

PrettyGirlLost

martha1818 said:

I guess I have the unpopular opinion here, haha! If I went to an event that was in someone's honour and it involved something rude, I would judge both parties. For example, I already said this in another thread but I received a baby shower invite where it stated a request for gift cards. I knew the mom to be wasn't hosting but I still judged her. Reason being if I received this invite I would assume that the hosts would be asking what kind of gifts you want and not just assume you'd want cash, which is why I'd still judge.

Oh Lord, this is just petty and judgmental for the sake of being judgmental, and it's catty as fuck.

I try my damnedest to be direct with people and to give them the benefit of the doubt.

ETA: And are we really going to get our panties in a bunch over the term jerk?  Let me go get my smelling salts. . .

annieandandy2014

No. She chose off of the wedding invite list!

KatieinBkln

PrettyGirlLost said:

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martha1818 said:

I guess I have the unpopular opinion here, haha! If I went to an event that was in someone's honour and it involved something rude, I would judge both parties. For example, I already said this in another thread but I received a baby shower invite where it stated a request for gift cards. I knew the mom to be wasn't hosting but I still judged her. Reason being if I received this invite I would assume that the hosts would be asking what kind of gifts you want and not just assume you'd want cash, which is why I'd still judge.

Oh Lord, this is just petty and judgmental for the sake of being judgmental, and it's catty as fuck.

I try my damnedest to be direct with people and to give them the benefit of the doubt.

ETA: And are we really going to get our panties in a bunch over the term jerk?  Let me go get my smelling salts. . .

As per usual, we agree. I'm pretty sure saying "X action makes you Y kind of person" is not exactly the same as "name calling." 

I mean, would this blow really have been softened if the PP had said, "judging people for things they had no control over is a jerky thing to do?" instead of "makes you a jerk"? 

PrettyGirlLost

martha1818 said:

show previous quotes

PrettyGirlLost said:

martha1818 said:

I guess I have the unpopular opinion here, haha! If I went to an event that was in someone's honour and it involved something rude, I would judge both parties. For example, I already said this in another thread but I received a baby shower invite where it stated a request for gift cards. I knew the mom to be wasn't hosting but I still judged her. Reason being if I received this invite I would assume that the hosts would be asking what kind of gifts you want and not just assume you'd want cash, which is why I'd still judge.

Oh Lord, this is just petty and judgmental for the sake of being judgmental, and it's catty as fuck.

I try my damnedest to be direct with people and to give them the benefit of the doubt.

ETA: And are we really going to get our panties in a bunch over the term jerk?  Let me go get my smelling salts. . .

I'm sorry, I swear I'm not trying to be catty or rude with this opinion, I didn't realize it would get so much backlash. I apologize for derailing the discussion! I guess my line of thinking with my particular example was that the hosts would have asked the mom to be what sorts of gifts should be specified, if any, on the invite, since she didn't register. I dunno, I was just providing insight into what went through my mind. It has been very enlightening reading everyone else's views though, and will cause me to give the benefit of the doubt in the future! BTW OP, I didn't mean to come across that I was judging you and I apologize if you felt that I was.

And sorry I didn't realize there was a specific list of insults that were approved to be offended by?

Martha, based on your posts I don't think you typically are catty.  I was very surprised by that comment.

annieandandy2014

Well, I know I will never judge anyone but the hosts again! And I will be getting approval on every detail of any shower/party etc. In the future! But I will suck it up and keep my mouth shut this time

Maggie0829

I find that assuming anything is just a bad idea.

doeydo

Just wanna say that if I was invited to a shower and there were some etiquette fails, logically speaking I know that the bride or mom-to-be might have had zero influence or knowledge about the goings on at the shower, but I would still judge the party hosts and the bride or mom-to-be.  I would also be anticipating some possible etiquette fails at the wedding (if it was a bridal shower).