HELP!! How do I word it when we are hosting it but both parents wants their names on the invites?

aninh16

So my fiance and I are both hosting our wedding. We both know that both of our parents wants their name on the invitations. For that, I don't know how to word it. Any suggestions?? I'm completely lost.

Thank you,

Anna

CMGragain

Have you asked them WHY they want their names on an invitation to an event that they are not hosting?  This is ridiculous!

Proper wording:
The pleasure of your company is requested
at the marriage of
Bride's Full Name
and
Groom's Full Name

Improper wording  (Ugh!):
Together with their parents
Mr. and Mrs. AW Bridesparents
Mr. and Mrs. AW Groomparents

Bride's Full Name
and
Groom's Full Name
request the pleasure of your company
as they are united in marriage

Go ask them WHY they think their name should be on the invitation.  If they say "because we are your parents" tell them that their name will be on the wedding program, where it should be.  The invitation is not a family tree.  I do not understand their thinking at all, and I am a MOB.

vmj23

I did  Together with our families...

jenijoyk

Even if they are not hosting, and thus etiquette does not require you put them on the invitations, there are SO MANY times on these boards where parents end up really hurt (devastated, in some cases) when their names aren't on the invite. It just seems like such an easy thing to do. Our parents helped pay for our wedding, but even if they hadn't, I definitely wouldn't have wanted to put them on blast to everyone we know by leaving their names off the invite. 

Are they going to act as point person to your extended family guests? If your aunt has a question, is she more likely to call your mom about it than you? And will your mom be able to answer? If so, I say throw them a bone and put their names on the invite. 

CMGragain

This would be the wording if both sets of parents were hosting your wedding:

Mr. and Mrs. Johm Bridesparents
Mr. and Mrs. George Groomsparents
request the pleasure of your company
at the marriage of
Bride's Full Name
and
Groom's Full Name
Day, day of month
time o'clock
Venue
Address
City, State

It didn't sound to me that this was the case, though.  The problem is that they want their NAMES on the invitation.  While it is easy to put the Groom's parents' names on after his name (son of Mr. and Mrs. George Groomsparents)  it is difficult to put the bride's parents, since their name cannoot separate the bride's name and the groom's name.

Jen4948

scribe95 said:

I think this is one of those rules that people not on the Knot board don't understand. I never knew before here that the invitations are saying who hosts. I just thought it was a polite way to recognize parents.

We used son of and daughter of language I believe. My inlaws didn't help with the wedding but they raised an amazing man and I couldn't imagine not giving them the honor of having their names on the invite.

No.  I know that the bolded is not what you believe now, but it's a common misperception about wedding invitations that the wording is supposed to "honor" the parents or anyone other than the guests.

As @CMGragain and others here including myself say repeatedly, the only persons "honored" by any invitation, wedding or otherwise, are the guests.  Invitations are not playbills or family tree listings.  There are more appropriate ways to "honor" non-hosting parents, if that's what couples or non-parental hosts want to do, then listing them by name on invitations.  It can cause guests to be confused as to who the hosts actually are, who to send replies to, and who to contact to have any questions they have answered and make sure their needs are being met.

jenijoyk

Jen4948 said:

scribe95 said:

I think this is one of those rules that people not on the Knot board don't understand. I never knew before here that the invitations are saying who hosts. I just thought it was a polite way to recognize parents.

We used son of and daughter of language I believe. My inlaws didn't help with the wedding but they raised an amazing man and I couldn't imagine not giving them the honor of having their names on the invite.

No.  I know that the bolded is not what you believe now, but it's a common misperception about wedding invitations that the wording is supposed to "honor" the parents or anyone other than the guests.

As @CMGragain and others here including myself say repeatedly, the only persons "honored" by any invitation, wedding or otherwise, are the guests.  Invitations are not playbills or family tree listings.  There are more appropriate ways to "honor" non-hosting parents, if that's what couples or non-parental hosts want to do, then listing them by name on invitations.  It can cause guests to be confused as to who the hosts actually are, who to send replies to, and who to contact to have any questions they have answered and make sure their needs are being met.

But no one actually does this. You send your reply to the address that is on the RSVP card. You don't check the invite to see whose names are on there and then arbitrarily decide who to send the RSVP card to. If you are a friend of the groom's parents, but never met the bride, if you have a question about the wedding you're going to ask the groom's parents, regardless of who is listed on the invite. If you're the bride's coworker, and you have a question, you aren't going to bust out your invitation, see whose parents are listed, and then somehow hunt down the bride's mom's phone number. No. You are going to walk down the hall at work and just ask the bride. 

I'm all for etiquette, but there are some rules that no longer serve their intended purpose of making guests feel more comfortable. Those rules should just be let go, in my opinion. 

CMGragain

I respectfully disagree.  The invitation is a note from the HOSTS to the GUESTS, telling them who, what, when and where.  It only honors the person who receives it.  After the reception, the guests should thank the hosts.  If a simple invitation is cluttered up with poetry and names of people that do not belong on it, how is the guest supposed to know whom to thank?
Printed RSVPs are very popular, but they are not necessary.  They have only become etiquette acceptable the past 30 years, or so.

Jen4948

I don't agree either. Just because you know the groom's parents and not the bride doesn't mean that the groom's parents are the people to ask your questions. They are not necessarily receiving the responses, and are not necessarily going to greet the guests at the reception. If those things are the case, their names do not belong on the invitation. The invitation's purpose is not to "honor" the parents. And there have been cases of people getting confused by invitations full of romantic fluff and people listed as "honored" to invite the recipients who actually had nothing to do with inviting them. It really isn't appropriate. If you want to honor someone who isn't doing these things, then put their names in a program or ask them to be in the wedding party-but leave them off the invitation to make clear who the hosts actually are. That's what guests need to know. And sometimes invitations don't come with pre-printed RSVPs and envelopes. That means that the guests have to figure out who the hosts are and send their responses back to them, and they are not necessarily "the people they know." Sometimes those people aren't the hosts.

jenijoyk

Haha - Um, poetry and romantic fluff? What? We're talking about the names of the bride and grooms parents. Not a Shakespearean sonnet.

Also "only" 30 years? 30 years is a really, really long time! If pre-addressed RSVP cards have been the norm for thiiiirrrttyyyy years, then I think it's safe to assume that we no longer need to use the verbiage on the invite itself to figure out who to send the RSVP to. 

Jen4948

jenijoyk said:

Haha - Um, poetry and romantic fluff? What? We're talking about the names of the bride and grooms parents. Not a Shakespearean sonnet.

Also "only" 30 years? 30 years is a really, really long time! If pre-addressed RSVP cards have been the norm for thiiiirrrttyyyy years, then I think it's safe to assume that we no longer need to use the verbiage on the invite itself to figure out who to send the RSVP to. 

Sorry, but no.  If the bride's and groom's parents are not hosting, their names do not belong on the invitation.  It is not being issued to "honor" them.

CMGragain

See if this makes sense to  you, @jenijoyk:  Let's say you are having a birthday party for your husband.  You are hosting it properly by providing all refreshments.  Do you put your parents' names on the invitation to honor them?  No?  ....but, but they are your parents and they raised you.  Silly, isn't it.
Wedding invitations are no different.  The host sends them to the guests.  No one else, except the bride and groom's names go one the invitation.
All etiquette authorities agree on this.  The only people who ever disagree are people who want to send invitations that aren't correct.

jenijoyk

CMGragain said:

See if this makes sense to  you, @jenijoyk:  Let's say you are having a birthday party for your husband.  You are hosting it properly by providing all refreshments.  Do you put your parents' names on the invitation to honor them?  No?  ....but, but they are your parents and they raised you.  Silly, isn't it.
Wedding invitations are no different.  The host sends them to the guests.  No one else, except the bride and groom's names go one the invitation.
All etiquette authorities agree on this.  The only people who ever disagree are people who want to send invitations that aren't correct.

I totally understand what you're saying. But a wedding isn't a birthday party. It has so much more importance for everyone, and there is so much more going on, and there are so many more feelings involved, not just for the bride and groom, but for EVERYONE. I'm not saying everyone should "honor" parents by putting them on the invite. I'm just saying it hurts no one to include them (and it seriously does not confuse anyone either), and its something that will hurt feelings if you don't do it, all at a time that should really just be about celebrating family and celebrating love, etc., etc. If parents' feelings will be hurt, it makes no sense to leave their names off just for some out dated etiquette rule, that the majority of people aren't even aware of. 

CMGragain

jenijoyk said:

CMGragain said:

See if this makes sense to  you, @jenijoyk:  Let's say you are having a birthday party for your husband.  You are hosting it properly by providing all refreshments.  Do you put your parents' names on the invitation to honor them?  No?  ....but, but they are your parents and they raised you.  Silly, isn't it.
Wedding invitations are no different.  The host sends them to the guests.  No one else, except the bride and groom's names go one the invitation.
All etiquette authorities agree on this.  The only people who ever disagree are people who want to send invitations that aren't correct.

I totally understand what you're saying. But a wedding isn't a birthday party. It has so much more importance for everyone, and there is so much more going on, and there are so many more feelings involved, not just for the bride and groom, but for EVERYONE. I'm not saying everyone should "honor" parents by putting them on the invite. I'm just saying it hurts no one to include them (and it seriously does not confuse anyone either), and its something that will hurt feelings if you don't do it, all at a time that should really just be about celebrating family and celebrating love, etc., etc. If parents' feelings will be hurt, it makes no sense to leave their names off just for some out dated etiquette rule, that the majority of people aren't even aware of. 

Sorry, but a wedding is simply a ceremony, followed by a party.  It celebrated the legal union of two people.
There is no problem with putting parents on the invitation if they are hosting the party.  There is even a wording
"Together with their parents, bride and groom request the pleasure..."
According to the OP, this isn't good enough!  No!  These parents want their NAMES on a party that they are not hosting!  This is just inappropriate.
Our names were on the invitation to our daughters wedding.  We were paying for it, as well as hosting it.  The groom's parents' names were not on the invitation.  Daughter's MIL was raised in the south, and she was horrified at the very idea of putting her name on an invitation where she was not the hostess.  Her name was on the invitation to the rehearsal dinner, and ours was not, since they were hosting that event.
Why do you think etiquette rules are outmoded?  Any basic etiquette book will explain them to you.  The idea is to convey the information to the guest politely, and as clearly as possible without being overly wordy.
What is against etiquette is that the parents are expecting their names to be on the invitation.  They should know better.

jenijoyk

Siiiigh. I don't think all etiquette rules are outmoded. I think this one might be. See above for my reasons. But in short, because (1) most people don't even realize this is what having names on an invitation even means anymore; (2) no one relies on the names listed on the invite to know who to send their RSVP to or ask questions of; and (3) people's feelings can get hurt if you omit them, but no one's feelings get hurt if you err on the side of inclusivity.

CMGragain

Please suggest a way the OP can word this without putting her parent's names in between her fiance's and hers?

Jen4948

jenijoyk said:

Siiiigh. I don't think all etiquette rules are outmoded. I think this one might be. See above for my reasons. But in short, because (1) most people don't even realize this is what having names on an invitation even means anymore; (2) no one relies on the names listed on the invite to know who to send their RSVP to or ask questions of; and (3) people's feelings can get hurt if you omit them, but no one's feelings get hurt if you err on the side of inclusivity.

Actually, yes, they do.  There are people who don't want to be listed on invitations as hosts, because they are not hosting.

And there are people who do realize what names mean on an invitation-that they are requesting the honor of the presence or the pleasure of the company of the recipient, but also that they themselves are not being honored by their names being listed.

People who make such a ruckus about not being listed when they aren't hosts need to grow up, build a bridge, and get over it instead of making such a fuss that people worry about how to "include" them when it is not only unnecessary but inappropriate.  There are appropriate ways to include one's parents when they are not hosting, but listing them on the invitations as "requesting the honor of the presence/pleasure of the company" of the guests is not among them.

huskypuppy14

No.  I know that the bolded is not what you believe now, but it's a common misperception about wedding invitations that the wording is supposed to "honor" the parents or anyone other than the guests.

As @CMGragain and others here including myself say repeatedly, the only persons "honored" by any invitation, wedding or otherwise, are the guests.  Invitations are not playbills or family tree listings.  There are more appropriate ways to "honor" non-hosting parents, if that's what couples or non-parental hosts want to do, then listing them by name on invitations.  It can cause guests to be confused as to who the hosts actually are, who to send replies to, and who to contact to have any questions they have answered and make sure their needs are being met.

But no one actually does this. You send your reply to the address that is on the RSVP card. You don't check the invite to see whose names are on there and then arbitrarily decide who to send the RSVP card to. If you are a friend of the groom's parents, but never met the bride, if you have a question about the wedding you're going to ask the groom's parents, regardless of who is listed on the invite. If you're the bride's coworker, and you have a question, you aren't going to bust out your invitation, see whose parents are listed, and then somehow hunt down the bride's mom's phone number. No. You are going to walk down the hall at work and just ask the bride. 

I'm all for etiquette, but there are some rules that no longer serve their intended purpose of making guests feel more comfortable. Those rules should just be let go, in my opinion. 

I agree with jenijoyk on the bolded. People are going to ask the person they are closer to, regardless of who the host is. And if that is the groom's mother and she doesn't know the answer, she will ask the host herself, and get back to her relative/friend.

I don't know anyone who goes out of their way to contact the bride's parents if they don't even know them, if they have a question prior to the wedding.  They are more likely to contact the bride or groom if anyone.

 Now at the wedding is a different story, people should know who the hosts are, and I don't agree with jenijoyk's last paragraph. 

Many of the wedding invitations I have gotten have the traditional Mr. and Mrs. Bride Parent's... with no mention of the groom's parent's. Clearly, I thought the Bride's parent's were the hosts. Sometimes it's both sets of parent's sometimes it together with their families.. 

Parent's have no right to demand to be on the invite if they are not the hosts, but I do agree that sometimes it's not a hill you want to die on.

My parent's paid for and hosted my sister's wedding. They still put my brother in laws father on the invitation as well, because they wanted to. No one was confused.

CMGragain

Nobody has shown me a wording that will work for this situation yet.  Generally if you can't find a wording for something, then there is something wrong with what you are trying to do.

cafarrie

I don't think I've seen a wedding invitation in recent years (P.S. I've been to about 30 in the last 5 years) that didn't say "together with our families" or list both sets of parent names.  While I think it's rude and inappropriate of the parents in this situations to insist on listing their names, if the bride and groom are happy to do it, it's hurting no one.  Although it's not NECESSARY there's nothing wrong or confusing about an invitation that says:

MR & Mrs Bride's Parents
Request the pleasure of your company 
at the marriage of their daughter
Bride's Full Name
and
Groom's Full Name
Son of Mr. & Mrs. Grooms Parents.  

I would assume that I could go to either set of parents, or the bride or groom with questions and would send the RSVP to the return address on the invitation (if the RSVP card was not preprinted with an address as most are now).  

My snarky two cents...Who in their right mind would OFFENDED to receive an invitation that said this?  

CMGragain

Sorry.  This wording lists the bride's parents as the only hosts, and they are not contributing.

cafarrie

I'm fully aware of that - but this lists the parents names, which is what they wanted.  They could also do what you've already suggested and go with:

Mr. and Mrs. Johm Bridesparents
Mr. and Mrs. George Groomsparents
request the pleasure of your company
at the marriage of
Bride's Full Name
and
Groom's Full Name
Day, day of month
time o'clock
Venue
Address
City, State

These are really her only options of she's going to put parents names on the invitation, hosting dilemma or not. 

KatieinBkln

CMGragain said: Please suggest a way the OP can word this without putting her parent's names in between her fiance's and hers?
Wait, why does that have to be the case?
Can't it be
Bride's Name, Daughter of ParentsandGroom's Name, Son of ParentsRequest the pleasure of your company at their Wedding
?

Jen4948 said: jenijoyk said: Siiiigh. I don't think all etiquette rules are outmoded. I think this one might be. See above for my reasons. But in short, because (1) most people don't even realize this is what having names on an invitation even means anymore; (2) no one relies on the names listed on the invite to know who to send their RSVP to or ask questions of; and (3) people's feelings can get hurt if you omit them, but no one's feelings get hurt if you err on the side of inclusivity. Actually, yes, they do.  There are people who don't want to be listed on invitations as hosts, because they are not hosting.

And there are people who do realize what names mean on an invitation-that they are requesting the honor of the presence or the pleasure of the company of the recipient, but also that they themselves are not being honored by their names being listed.

People who make such a ruckus about not being listed when they aren't hosts need to grow up, build a bridge, and get over it instead of making such a fuss that people worry about how to "include" them when it is not only unnecessary but inappropriate.  There are appropriate ways to include one's parents when they are not hosting, but listing them on the invitations as "requesting the honor of the presence/pleasure of the company" of the guests is not among them.
That's great advice! Tell me exactly how you would go about presenting it to the parents in question. Oh wait, they aren't the ones asking for advice, and to say such a thing to a high-strung parent would only cause unnecessary strife? Got it. 

Seriously, I don't even disagree with you on the particulars--of course the parents should get over it, but in the event that they won't/can't, why on earth is it an issue to simply give in on this one stupid thing? It seems like a hill that might not be worth dying on for some people.

ETA: sorry about the formatting TK hates me.

canadianhearts

I've read the entire thread and agree with certain points against the inclusion of non-hosts' names. Still, if it comes down to the fact that the parents must be mentioned on the invitation (which is what I'm gathering from the OP), would they feel at peace by having a: "Together with their families..." or "Together with their parents..."? It seems like a happy medium since it mentions them, but the focus is still on you and the FI as you are the ones hosting.

CMGragain

The problem is, the parents are insisting upon their NAMES being on the invitation.  This is all I could think of.  It is improper, awkward, and silly.

The pleasure of your company is requested
at the marriage of
Bride's Full Name
and
Groom's Full Name
Day, date
time o'clock
Venue
Address
City, State

The bride is the daughter of Mr. and Mrs. AW Bridesparents
The groom is the son of Mr. and Mrs. AW Groomsparents

Reception to follow

This makes it look like the host is assuming that the guest doesn't know who the bride and groom are, and need the note about the parents' names to identify them.  Ugh.  Nothing should come between the bride's name and the groom's name except "and" or :to".

holyguacamole79

So their parents want their names on an invitation ... what's the big deal?  It sounds like neither the OP nor her FI have any objections with this.  I personally see this as a victimless crime.

FWIW, my parents paid for the majority of our wedding.  My husband asked to include his parents' names on the invitation.  I had no issue with this, and I don't think my parents did, either. 

We are still happily married and have good relationships with our in-laws.

Jen4948

sarahbear31 said:

So their parents want their names on an invitation ... what's the big deal?  It sounds like neither the OP nor her FI have any objections with this.  I personally see this as a victimless crime.

FWIW, my parents paid for the majority of our wedding.  My husband asked to include his parents' names on the invitation.  I had no issue with this, and I don't think my parents did, either. 

We are still happily married and have good relationships with our in-laws.

This is no one's business except you, your FI, and your parents.  The guests certainly don't need to know it. 

What they need to know is: who will greet them at the wedding?  who will make sure their needs are taken care of?  who do they send their rsvps to?  Your parents could have paid without lifting a finger to do any of these things.  That's what makes it a "big deal" when announcing who the hosts are on an invitation.  It's not an honor to be listed as a host, especially when you're not.

jenijoyk

Jen4948 said:

sarahbear31 said:

So their parents want their names on an invitation ... what's the big deal?  It sounds like neither the OP nor her FI have any objections with this.  I personally see this as a victimless crime.

FWIW, my parents paid for the majority of our wedding.  My husband asked to include his parents' names on the invitation.  I had no issue with this, and I don't think my parents did, either. 

We are still happily married and have good relationships with our in-laws.

This is no one's business except you, your FI, and your parents.  The guests certainly don't need to know it. 

What they need to know is: who will greet them at the wedding?  who will make sure their needs are taken care of?  who do they send their rsvps to?  Your parents could have paid without lifting a finger to do any of these things.  That's what makes it a "big deal" when announcing who the hosts are on an invitation.  It's not an honor to be listed as a host, especially when you're not.

Putting or not putting the parent's names on the invitation does not answer the questions that you continue to list. The RSVP card gets sent to the address on the RSVP card envelope. Honestly, in just about every single wedding these days, unless the bride and groom are like, 20, the bride and groom are the people that make sure everyone's needs are being attended to. 

Who will greet them at the wedding? What does this even mean? I have never been to a wedding where I arrived at the ceremony and was greeted by the bride or groom's parents? Honestly. Never. Not once. Has this ever happened. I'm either greeted by no one, or I'm greeted by an usher.

I've been to weddings where during the reception, the parents circulate, say hello, and introduce themselves, just like the couple's siblings and wedding party does. And I have been to weddings where the parents stood in the receiving line, just like the bride and groom and the wedding party. But I have never been to a wedding, even weddings where I know for a fact that the parents forked over a ton of dough, and where the parents (gasp!) had their names listed on the invitation, and they still never "greeted" guests. 

jenijoyk

Also, as a guest, I never look at the names on the invitation and think, "Oh good. So and so's parents are going to greet me at the wedding. PHEW! I was very concerned and confused and if these names hadn't been here, on this invitation, I would have arrived not knowing who was going to greet me." 

jenijoyk

Also, sorry, I'm not trying to be snarky. I just think it is really obvious that this etiquette rule no longer serves its purpose. And when rules no longer serve their purpose, there is just absolutely no reason to harp on them anymore. IMO.

CMGragain

I am sorry that you think that invitation tradition and etiquette no longer serve a purpose.  Very few people will agree with you.
There is no way that I am ever going to advise anyone to do something that is not etiquette approved.  If you really think etiquette and tradition are outmoded, this probably isn't a good board for you.  There are plenty of other wedding websites that will tell you "It's your wedding!  Do whatever you want!" which is the worst advice to give to a bride who is trying her best to do things properly.

I have attended over 100 weddings as a church organist and sometimes as a guest.  I never will forget the wedding where nobody knew who was in charge.  The different people in the family all pointed to each other when I actually had to ask for my fee.  It was embarrassing..  The MOB was furious when I approached her.  (She had requested my services.)  She complained to the minister, who backed me up.  The minister met with the family later in the week and got my check.  I wonder how the venue did with those people?  The next time they asked for permission to use the church for a wedding, they were told, "No."  (They weren't church members.)
Yes, it is important to know who is hosting, and who is responsible.