Moms and Maids

Mom is driving me nuts!

WARNING:  RANTING & SEEKING ADVICE

  • First and foremost, my fiance and I are paying for the entire wedding. I do not expect anyone to help us pay and we have our budget planned out according to what he and I can afford. 
  • My mother is my MOH. I wanted to have my best friend be by my side during my special day and my mother is the perfect choice. I've moved from house to house, school to school, most of my life so consistent friends have been hard to keep. My mom was with my fiance and I every step of the way of our relationship and loves and supports us both. She and I have faced some very difficult hurtles in life but we always overcame them together.

Now, my wedding takes place in August of 2015, we didn't have a date set until recently due to Colorado wedding venues raising their prices an insane amount recently...although it is also due to my mother. We did want a long engagement (proposed in March 2014) since he and I are paying for the entire wedding ourselves. My mom has been very difficult with every step of the way in our planning from the way my fiance proposed to the way I say I do. She completely stood me up on my very first dress sitting (that was scheduled around her work schedule and was booked a month and a half in advance with her consent) and then when she showed up to the second, she was talking on the phone with her friend for 45 minutes while I stood awkwardly in the wedding dress of my dreams receiving looks of pity from everyone who walked by. When she finally paid attention and managed to detach the phone from her ear, she promptly stated she hated the dress and proceeded to tell me I need something tight, which she knows I can't stand. Nearly in tears from her harsh comments, not to mention her asking if I was pregnant when she clearly knows I'm not, we left. I went back a different day with my BMs since I couldn't forget the dress I liked and was told the same dress that I loved was beautiful and unique, perfect for me. I bought it. My mom was angry and talked me down several pegs with her nose in the air.

Moving on, my mother has insisted that she accompany us on some of our venue searches and each possible choice has had a major negative that she can't help but to express. "This venue is 30 minutes away, no one is going to come." "This venue is too expensive, we can find one for $800." "This one doesn't have enough plants and greenery." "This one doesn't have enough lighting." So on so forth. Each venue my fiance and I deem pretty is suddenly dashed and told we don't need it. I kindly reminded her that my fiance and I are the ones paying for the wedding and each venue has been in our budget. She insists that she can find another. Eventually, we found one we think is perfect and were ready to put down a deposit only find the owners had switched, the price was raised 2k, and everything that was included is now not and upcharged to use it. We went searching again. 

Finally, I stumble on a beautiful mountain wedding that was surprisingly in our budget with some to spare. My fiance and I are stoked and my mother approves of it at the venue. As we leave to gather our thoughts and review the packages and extra charges, she starts to complain about the drive being too far. Its an hour away from home, an hour twenty minutes with heavy traffic. The venue has lodging for guests onsite and it is being held on a Saturday afternoon. She complains that my uncle won't go because there was a spider on the outside of a window and he hates spiders. That the ride to the chapel was bumpy (its less than a minute ride to the chapel uphill, the venue has drivers to escort the guests up) and that grandma won't come because it'll make her sick. She said that people will get drunk and not want to drive home and that no one will pay for a room at the venue. There is also a town ten minutes away with lodging. 

Out of concern for my grandmother, I called her up and she assured me the bumpy road wouldn't bother her. Her words were "Honey, I drive a 1965 pick up truck on and off unpaved roads. I have ridden horses all my life and still do. I can handle a bumpy road all day, even if I couldn't...drug me up and stuff me in the trunk." Most of my local guests go to the mountains on the weekends for camping or resort fun, an hour drive doesn't bother them. My mom still insists that none of my family will come. My fiance and I have booked the venue, much to her dismay but she regarded it the same was as the dress.

She disapproves of everything, always finding a fault while putting me down at the same time. She has now asked three different times if I'm pregnant just because I had been at an unhealthy thin weight when I met my fiance and now have been able to actually fill out my figure. I'll admit I need to tone my stomach but I'm a very far cry from looking even three-four months pregnant. She knows I eat healthy and that I have been working out which makes the blow even harder. I love my mom with everything I have but her negativity is really pulling down my self esteem and the excitement I should be feeling about the wedding. I want her to be happy but at the same I don't want to sacrifice everything I had ever envisioned for my day. Our wedding is modest, small, and more casual than formal so its not like I'm out to spend thousands and thousands on the event and do something that would put us in debt. I dread talking to her about anything wedding related and I don't know what to do. I almost feel like I need to hide the costs from her even though we've gotten great deals from the photographer, DJ, and even help with the dessert table (a few of my bridesmaids and I are making a dessert table instead of wedding cake since my fiance hates cake).  From what my BMs have seen of her and her behavior, they are questioning my judgement of making her my MOH and can't believe what that I put up with what I do. I just want to have the fairy tale mother of the bride who encourages decisions, congratulates deals, and says things are pretty though that could just be it. A fairy tale mother of the bride, someone please invite Cinderella's birds for the chorus. I respect her and her judgement and maybe I wouldn't be feeling so horrible if it was presented in a way that wasn't so harsh. 

So I am asking for advice...I literally have no idea what to do when it comes to my mother. Any advise is helpful, even telling me if I am being unreasonable. I understand this is still early in the wedding process but the venue is a one stop shop and I like things being done sooner, rather than later. I'm one of the luck anxiety plagued people who will burst into tears when under very heavy pressure. 

TL;DR

My mom is being difficult, hurtful, and over all momzilla. What can I do to make this whole wedding planning process easier with her still in the picture?

Re: Mom is driving me nuts!

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    The only things you can do are not take her shopping with you, not ask her opinion, and tell her the subject of pregnancy is off-limits and exceptionally hurtful.

    And if she keeps complaining about things you've already decided, tell her, "Mom, before I started wedding planning I was really looking forward to planning with you, but you've been incredibly hurtful by ignoring me, complaining non-stop, and suggesting that I'm pregnant, especially when you already know I'm not.  For that reason, I'm not willing to discuss any aspect of the wedding with you anymore, because I'm not willing to take any more of your negativity and hostility."  Then follow through by refusing to engage with her from that point on.
    ChemFanatic25
  • Mom, I love you.  However, when we're discussing wedding planning, I don't really Like you.  Please let me and FI plan our wedding.  You can show up looking beautiful and be the Mother of the Bride and the Maid/Matron of Honor.  But you will not be helping me plan the wedding anymore.
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    WARNING:  RANTING & SEEKING ADVICE

    • First and foremost, my fiance and I are paying for the entire wedding. I do not expect anyone to help us pay and we have our budget planned out according to what he and I can afford. 
    • My mother is my MOH. I wanted to have my best friend be by my side during my special day and my mother is the perfect choice. I've moved from house to house, school to school, most of my life so consistent friends have been hard to keep. My mom was with my fiance and I every step of the way of our relationship and loves and supports us both. She and I have faced some very difficult hurtles in life but we always overcame them together.

    Now, my wedding takes place in August of 2015, we didn't have a date set until recently due to Colorado wedding venues raising their prices an insane amount recently...although it is also due to my mother. We did want a long engagement (proposed in March 2014) since he and I are paying for the entire wedding ourselves. My mom has been very difficult with every step of the way in our planning from the way my fiance proposed to the way I say I do. She completely stood me up on my very first dress sitting (that was scheduled around her work schedule and was booked a month and a half in advance with her consent) and then when she showed up to the second, she was talking on the phone with her friend for 45 minutes while I stood awkwardly in the wedding dress of my dreams receiving looks of pity from everyone who walked by. When she finally paid attention and managed to detach the phone from her ear, she promptly stated she hated the dress and proceeded to tell me I need something tight, which she knows I can't stand. Nearly in tears from her harsh comments, not to mention her asking if I was pregnant when she clearly knows I'm not, we left. I went back a different day with my BMs since I couldn't forget the dress I liked and was told the same dress that I loved was beautiful and unique, perfect for me. I bought it. My mom was angry and talked me down several pegs with her nose in the air.

    Moving on, my mother has insisted that she accompany us on some of our venue searches and each possible choice has had a major negative that she can't help but to express. "This venue is 30 minutes away, no one is going to come." "This venue is too expensive, we can find one for $800." "This one doesn't have enough plants and greenery." "This one doesn't have enough lighting." So on so forth. Each venue my fiance and I deem pretty is suddenly dashed and told we don't need it. I kindly reminded her that my fiance and I are the ones paying for the wedding and each venue has been in our budget. She insists that she can find another. Eventually, we found one we think is perfect and were ready to put down a deposit only find the owners had switched, the price was raised 2k, and everything that was included is now not and upcharged to use it. We went searching again. 

    Finally, I stumble on a beautiful mountain wedding that was surprisingly in our budget with some to spare. My fiance and I are stoked and my mother approves of it at the venue. As we leave to gather our thoughts and review the packages and extra charges, she starts to complain about the drive being too far. Its an hour away from home, an hour twenty minutes with heavy traffic. The venue has lodging for guests onsite and it is being held on a Saturday afternoon. She complains that my uncle won't go because there was a spider on the outside of a window and he hates spiders. That the ride to the chapel was bumpy (its less than a minute ride to the chapel uphill, the venue has drivers to escort the guests up) and that grandma won't come because it'll make her sick. She said that people will get drunk and not want to drive home and that no one will pay for a room at the venue. There is also a town ten minutes away with lodging. 

    Out of concern for my grandmother, I called her up and she assured me the bumpy road wouldn't bother her. Her words were "Honey, I drive a 1965 pick up truck on and off unpaved roads. I have ridden horses all my life and still do. I can handle a bumpy road all day, even if I couldn't...drug me up and stuff me in the trunk." Most of my local guests go to the mountains on the weekends for camping or resort fun, an hour drive doesn't bother them. My mom still insists that none of my family will come. My fiance and I have booked the venue, much to her dismay but she regarded it the same was as the dress.

    She disapproves of everything, always finding a fault while putting me down at the same time. She has now asked three different times if I'm pregnant just because I had been at an unhealthy thin weight when I met my fiance and now have been able to actually fill out my figure. I'll admit I need to tone my stomach but I'm a very far cry from looking even three-four months pregnant. She knows I eat healthy and that I have been working out which makes the blow even harder. I love my mom with everything I have but her negativity is really pulling down my self esteem and the excitement I should be feeling about the wedding. I want her to be happy but at the same I don't want to sacrifice everything I had ever envisioned for my day. Our wedding is modest, small, and more casual than formal so its not like I'm out to spend thousands and thousands on the event and do something that would put us in debt. I dread talking to her about anything wedding related and I don't know what to do. I almost feel like I need to hide the costs from her even though we've gotten great deals from the photographer, DJ, and even help with the dessert table (a few of my bridesmaids and I are making a dessert table instead of wedding cake since my fiance hates cake).  From what my BMs have seen of her and her behavior, they are questioning my judgement of making her my MOH and can't believe what that I put up with what I do. I just want to have the fairy tale mother of the bride who encourages decisions, congratulates deals, and says things are pretty though that could just be it. A fairy tale mother of the bride, someone please invite Cinderella's birds for the chorus. I respect her and her judgement and maybe I wouldn't be feeling so horrible if it was presented in a way that wasn't so harsh. 

    So I am asking for advice...I literally have no idea what to do when it comes to my mother. Any advise is helpful, even telling me if I am being unreasonable. I understand this is still early in the wedding process but the venue is a one stop shop and I like things being done sooner, rather than later. I'm one of the luck anxiety plagued people who will burst into tears when under very heavy pressure. 

    TL;DR

    My mom is being difficult, hurtful, and over all momzilla. What can I do to make this whole wedding planning process easier with her still in the picture?
    Stop including your mom in wedding plans. She will only continue to let you down. Deflect her and change the subject if she wants to discuss the wedding. "Mom, I love you, but I have been hurt by some of the things you have said about the wedding before. It is obvious we have different ideas for the wedding, so FI & I will be planning this together from now on. I'm sorry if you don't like that decision, but it's the decision that makes FI and I happy." If your mom won't take no for an answer then walk away or hang up the phone. SHOW your mom that you won't engage her when the topic of wedding comes up. Also, don't remove your mom from the MOH position, it could seriously alter your future relationship. All your mom needs to do is get the dress and be ready to smile for pictures on the day of your wedding. Keep low expectations, so you aren't disappointed.
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited October 2014

    What has happened to your loving, supportive mom and best friend? With such a dramatic change in her attitude, I have to wonder if she's having some kind of mental, physical, emotional or financial issues. Ask her what's up. Are you her only child? Does she depend on you? Does she feel well. Is SHE pregnant. (Just kidding on the last one.)

    Since you and fi are paying for the wedding, you're free to make all the decisions on your own. You should present each vendor as a done deal. As in, 'Mom, we found the perfect venue, florist, photographer.' Only answer to her concerns if they're legitimate. If she starts complaining, shut down the conversation, with 'We have taken care of everything.' Be firm.

    Congratulations on finding the perfect dress and venue. I'm glad you went back for that dress, with your more supportive bms. Later on, when you have all the basic decisions made, you may be able to involve your mom in some of the details, such as meetings with the florist, choosing stationary, doing seating arrangements, etc...Those moments aren't lost, yet.

                       
    OliveOilsMomkmmssgChemFanatic25sparklepants41
  • No advice but it sounds to me like she's jealous you're "moving on" with your life. Could she feel like she's losing her best friend to your FI? I feel like that would spark all the negativity. She's unhappy about the situation so she finds something to be unhappy with at every opportunity. I'm sorry she's being like this. *hugs*
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    MairePoppy
  • I took a while to get some time to sit down and talk with her, both of our schedules are quite busy. I started the conversation asking about how she has been, what's been going on with her life and whatnot. She seemed very happy with her life aside from needing to get new work clothes. Lots of friends, concerts, ect. She loves her job and just appeared to be in a very good spot in her life, which I am very happy for.

    I did reassure her that I love her and that I am thankful she will be standing with me on my big day, however, the process to getting to that point would now be strictly between my fiance and I. I let her know that I appreciate her help and value her opinions but the way she has been going about expressing them had been very hurtful. She was upset and after a long argument, she wished me luck and told me she would be there for when I needed her.

    I don't know why she behaved the way she did although I think Jenny may have a point in the fact that she doesn't want to let her daughter "go". Out of my siblings, I am the closest to my mom and spend a lot of time with her. Maybe I am thinking too far into the matter and maybe I am way of course but I definitely will continue to show her that I love her very much...although she'll have to stay out of the wedding planning. She will still be the MOH, I don't want to replace her position. 

    Thank you all for your advice and for you well wishes and encouragements.I'll admit, part of the lack of response was me trying to gather the courage to face my mother on situation. Your support has helped me immensely, thank you so much!
    [Deleted User]OliveOilsMomChemFanatic25
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