Please talk me off the ledge

solsticegirl761

Not sure where to post this so starting a new one so forgive me if this is incorrect.

I am so about to lose my mind. BF and I have been together for about 4 1/2 years now. I thought back during the summer he was getting serious about looking for a ring. His friend works for a jewelry store and his friend asked me what kind of diamonds I like and told me I should come by the store and take a look around. So of course I just about jumped out of my skin thinking this was initiated by my BF. Turns out I really don't think it was initiated by my BF but more like his friend and my BF's mother.

Just a note BF's family is more interested in grandchildren than us getting married. If they could have grandchildren without a woman being involved they would have done it already.   I have already said that is not happening until we are married. So then I get the well you know you are getting older and well hint hint they are worried that I won't be able to have any by the time we are married. I'm not even sure at this point if I want to have a baby. Just seriously scares the hell out of me in so many ways.

 I told my BF I was going to go to the store and look and he was ok with that but did not act like he was interested in going with me. So I went and looked they took down all my info and so on. I even picked one out that I really liked but it was pricey and I have no idea what kind of budget to stick to. That was back in June. So I have been trying to be patient thinking maybe he already has stuff in the works and is going to propose around the holidays. Then last night the friend from the jewelry place calls my BF and I can hear what the friend is saying on the phone and he asks BF if he has thought anymore about the wedding stuff. BF says nah not really and that was about it. I just about lost it. That to me says he's not as close as I thought. He has the money for a ring but would rather spend it on his  truck that he obsessed with buying stuff for and I mean REALLY obsessed. So here I sit thinking the whole he loves his truck more than me and so on. Sigghhhh 

Guess we just need to have a talk. Any suggestions on how to bring up the subject without making it seem like I am pressuring him?

KeptInStitches

Talk about generally where you see yourselves in 1 year, 5 years, etc. Talking about the future in general can give you some perspective on where you're both at and why. 

For example, a few years ago now-FI and I talked about when, if ever, we wanted to start TTC. This led to us talking about how I want to be married for at least a year, we needed to build in about a year to be engaged for us to save the money for a wedding, and we needed to include those things into the calculation of when we wanted to TTC. In this case, my timeline superseded his in some respects (my desire to be married a year outweighed his desire to have babies NOW) and his superseded mine in some respects (he wasn't going to be ready to be engaged until his financial situation improved).

Moiramab

solsticegirl761 said:

Not sure where to post this so starting a new one so forgive me if this is incorrect.

I am so about to lose my mind. BF and I have been together for about 4 1/2 years now. I thought back during the summer he was getting serious about looking for a ring. His friend works for a jewelry store and his friend asked me what kind of diamonds I like and told me I should come by the store and take a look around. So of course I just about jumped out of my skin thinking this was initiated by my BF. Turns out I really don't think it was initiated by my BF but more like his friend and my BF's mother.

Just a note BF's family is more interested in grandchildren than us getting married. If they could have grandchildren without a woman being involved they would have done it already.   I have already said that is not happening until we are married. So then I get the well you know you are getting older and well hint hint they are worried that I won't be able to have any by the time we are married. I'm not even sure at this point if I want to have a baby. Just seriously scares the hell out of me in so many ways.

 I told my BF I was going to go to the store and look and he was ok with that but did not act like he was interested in going with me. So I went and looked they took down all my info and so on. I even picked one out that I really liked but it was pricey and I have no idea what kind of budget to stick to. That was back in June. So I have been trying to be patient thinking maybe he already has stuff in the works and is going to propose around the holidays. Then last night the friend from the jewelry place calls my BF and I can hear what the friend is saying on the phone and he asks BF if he has thought anymore about the wedding stuff. BF says nah not really and that was about it. I just about lost it. That to me says he's not as close as I thought. He has the money for a ring but would rather spend it on his  truck that he obsessed with buying stuff for and I mean REALLY obsessed. So here I sit thinking the whole he loves his truck more than me and so on. Sigghhhh 

Guess we just need to have a talk. Any suggestions on how to bring up the subject without making it seem like I am pressuring him?

I'm going to leave the conversation suggestions up to the better/well-versed knotties, but the bolded part jumped out at me. I get being eager for kids/grandkids, but they need to butt out and your BF is the one that needs to tell them this. And you have to talk to your bf about your doubts about wanting kids. That's usually a good place to start with the future timeline conversation, just make sure you think about it when you're not simply reacting in frustration to his family's nagging.

Otherwise, please please keep in mind what the rest of NEY has to say, they're wonderful at both distracting and keeping you sane.

phira

Talk about timelines. Opening with, "When are you fucking going to propose already?" would definitely be uncomfortable (exaggerating for effect here), but you could say something like, "Hey, I was wondering, when do you see us getting engaged? When do you see us getting married?" Have your own answers ready as well.

Honestly, what he spends his money on is kind of his problem. A ring isn't necessary for an engagement, and an expensive engagement ring isn't necessary either. If he's paying for a ring, he's the one who gets to determine the budget.

bethsmiles

You don't need us to tell you what to do, you said it in your post - you need to have a talk with your BF. It sounds like you two aren't on the same page and that can be incredibly frustrating. Be honest about how you are feeling but make sure you let him talk as well and explain where he is at. You don't need to put a deadline on things but you should know where the relationship is heading and have a general timeline for things.

Communication is so important in a relationship. It makes me sad that the media, society, whatever makes it seem like women asking about marriage makes them crazy and men should run for the hills if their SO brings it up. It causes so many problems and frustrations in a relationship that can be addressed with a simple conversation! (This rant is not directed at you, it's just my general feelings on the matter).

eilis1228

"Hey, SO, I'd like to talk about our future together. I'm not trying to pressure you into marriage, but I just want to know where you see us in the next X years." 

Ollie08

Have you guys ever talked about getting engaged/married before? Or any kind of future plans (where you'd want to live, possible career moves, etc)? If so, that's a good place to start. You already know what to do, and the how should just feel right. There's nothing wrong with revisiting timelines. After all, I'm sure he has an end product in mind for his truck and a timeline he wants to complete that in, why can't he have a timeline for his life with you? (That was rhetorical btw)

lilacck28

I was pretty blunt with my fiance. About 3 months into dating we naturally started talking about marriage, that we could maybe see it happening with each other. We were eating burgers at a restuarant. I really don't remember how that came up. Anyway, at that point, I threw in "I do NOT want to date you for 8 years, never get engaged, then break up because it doesn't seem like you want to get married, then you get engaged to some new girl 6 weeks later" (a la, when harry met sally.) He laughed and said that would be no problem. Then we talked about "when do you see this happening" and we both kind of agreed "maybe in 3 years." It was not a hard conversation, and he didn't think I was a nagging shrew. It made us both feel better, and it was fun to talk about. We revisited the issue every so often... though the timeline never really changed. 

 I agree with PP: talking about these things does NOT have to be painful, and there shouldn't be such a stigma around a woman talking to her SO about their relationship timeline.  Definitively let yourself cool down before you talk to your BF. Then ask those general questions about where he sees himself and his relationship with you in a few years. If your timelines match up, then talk about things like... do you want this to be a surprise? Is it important for him that it's a surprise?

I say that because when I read your original post, I thought to myself, maybe he said not really, because he knew you could hear him. Maybe that wasn't the case... but... maybe he is pulling an elaborate "she must be shocked, that's what all the ladies want, I need to throw her off the scent!" I hate that, btw. I was ALL for not being surprised, and being kept in the loop about my (our) future.

Dignity100

Reading your post, it sounds like a lot of people outside of you might be trying to push your BF to move forward in your relationship.  Maybe he's just comfortable where it's at now and wants a little stability.

solsticegirl761

Thanks for the input ladies. This has helped me with ideas of how to get the conversation going without  the "so you are going to propose or what" evil monster coming out.  I am working on getting up my nerves to have the talk without it being weird.

I have to admit I just got on the knot and started looking at wedding stuff without visiting the community first. Now I know I shouldn't have done that until I read up on this board.  I have to confess that I had started doing some "planning" and now I find that it is highly suggested that you don't do that and it is not a good thing. Originally I thought that it was a good thing to get a head start but I have found it just makes you BSC.  So head hanging in shame I will admit this and  move on lol.  It's hard now that I have already started it. Now every time I turn around there is something wedding related in my email, facebook, instagram and so on. I have told myself that I will no longer do any planning until an engagement is official for my sanity.

Moiramab

@solsticegirl761 tbh, that's how I started on the knot too, many a year ago haha. It's easy to get sucked into the pretty, but definitely try not to let it affect your relationship.

But for now, go introduce yourself There's a little questionnaire in one of the stickies that everyone likes

solsticegirl761

Moiramab It is very hard not to get sucked in lol 

I did post in the getting know you thread. Is there somewhere else I should be posting? Still trying to get the hang of this thing

Moiramab

@solsticegirl761 No no, that's perfect, sometimes people make their own thread but that's what the other one is for

solsticegirl761

Moiramab K great! Thanks!

Knottie28105715

So did he ever propose to you?

Hummingbird125

@lifeisgood29 - please don't resurrect a months-old thread for no good reason. That's poor forum-ettiquette