Damn Debt Collectors

Chipmunk415

And now, I present to you, the epic story of Chipmunk, CrazyWoman, Ray Ray, and the Time At the End Where Evil Chipmunk Makes Her First Appearance as an Adult.  It also provides a lesson on "do not engage the crazy"

This saga occurred between the summer of 2006 and the Fall of 2007. Basically, the summer after my first year of college and fall of junior year.  At all times, I was staying in on campus dorms (I took summer classes).

Summer 2006 Round 1- I am woken from innocent sleep to my cell phone ringing. Thinking a friend drunk dialed me at 2 am, or something is wrong with my folks, I answer.  CrazyWoman is on the other line. Now at first I cannot understand her.* But eventually, I sort out that she is frantically looking for her husband/boyfriend/SO. A gentleman she affectionately refers to as "Ray Ray."

 *(As will become apparent to me over the next year of our relationship, CrazyWoman is from a Caribbean Island, and has a very, very thick accent, though her English is otherwise good. This will become important later.)

I explain to CrazyWoman, I am very sorry, but I've never met a "Ray Ray" and cannot help her in finding him.  She hangs up.

Summer 2006, Round 2- CrazyWoman calls again at 3 in the morning, about a month and a half after the first call. She believes I know where Ray Ray is. In fact, she is certain that he came to hide with me after their latest fight. Never mind that she's in the Miami-Dade area (based on area codes) and I'm a minimum of a 6 hour drive away. Nope, I'd better tell Ray Ray to (and this is a direct quote) "get his scrawny black ass home." I reiterate, I've no idea who she's talking about, I hope she finds Ray Ray, please stop calling. I hang up on her.

Big Mistake.

Summer/Fall 2006 - CrazyWoman calls 3 times in one night. Yep, 3. The first time, she demands I hand over Ray Ray. I'm apparently keeping him hostage. She proceeds to tell me that a "white sounding bitch" like myself couldn't possibly keep a man like Ray Ray sexually satisfied, in less polite terms.  Cue graphic description from CrazyWoman about how large her bust is, the size of her ass, and how much Ray Ray likes to have sex with her, given her "amazing" ladybits.  Evil Chipmunk is starting to get annoyed at all of this. She jumps in, yells at CrazyWoman to leave Chipmunk alone, and hangs up.  The next two calls from the same number involve incoherent screeches from CrazyWoman and loud screams from Evil Chipmunk.  The kinds of yells Chipmunk normally reserves for football games.

Fall 2006- CrazyWoman calls, demands Ray Ray, and tells Chipmunk what an awful bitch Chipmunk is for keeping "her man, Ray Ray" away from CrazyWoman and her 3 kids. Evil Chipmunk decides to start playing with the CrazyWoman, and tells her Ray Ray has been located.  When CrazyWoman begs Evil Chipmunk to tell her where he is, Evil Chipmunk tells CrazyWoman that Ray Ray has been found in the Ft. Lauderdale area, shacking up with a woman, (and here Evil Chipmunk gives some kind of made up description of the woman).  CrazyWoman FLIPS OUT, as apparently Evil Chipmunk has just described the best friend of CrazyWoman's cousin, and said best friend is (again direct quote) a "two timin ho"

Fall 2006- After the prior night's drama, Chipmunk calls the phone number during the day. A man answers. It is not Ray Ray, but the man seems to understand what is going on, that Chipmunk is quite tired of these calls. Man promises to take care of it....

Radio silence for almost 6 months....

Late Spring 2007 - Chipmunk gets another call from CrazyWoman. CrazyWoman could not find Ray Ray in Ft. Lauderdale, and thinks I made it up to protect Ray Ray. (by this point, I'm thinking this guy has to either be a multi millionaire or be very very good in the bedroom. Only way it justifies this level of crazy). Cue again the graphic description of her sexual prowess.  This time, Evil Chipmunk tells her Ray Ray is in prison for kiddie porn.  CrazyWoman screeches and hangs up.

Late Spring/Early Summer 2007- CrazyWoman is still calling. But for a while, it's calls where the phone rings, and an immediate hang up.  I've tried contacting the phone company about the harassment, but they don't care.  Local PD can't do anything about it either.  CrazyWoman demands I give her Ray Ray's location. Immediately. 

Evil Chipmunk rattles off a Miami area address.  CrazyWoman hangs up, but calls up 45 minutes later going absolutely BSC.  

See, Evil Chipmunk gave her the address of a local cemetery, and the implication is there that Ray Ray is dead.  Evil Chipmunk is considering having a friend of her's in the Miami area track the call to the woman's house, and deposit a mason jar full of firepit ashes with the label "Ray Ray" on it.  Chipmunk decides that this is too cruel.

Some time passes, blissfully free of calls....but Evil Chipmunk has been preparing.

Fall 2007- CrazyWoman calls for the last time, with her usual comments about Ray Ray, that Chipmunk is a bitch, and the like. Evil Chipmunk comes out to play, tells CrazyWoman that she's been recording all the phone calls of the past year, and has some good news. 

Evil Chipmunk tells CrazyWoman that Chipmunk's father is a Federal Immigration and Customs Enforcement Judge, and they have used the voice recordings to identify CrazyWoman.  Evil Chipmunk tells CrazyWoman that ICE knows exactly who she is, where she's at, and that they are aware her visa into the US had expired.  Evil Chipmunk has soundtracks from various police shows playing in the background to make it sound like she's with law enforcement.

Evil Chipmunk tells the now stuttering CrazyWoman that ICE and FBI agents will be at CrazyWoman's location in the next 10 minutes, and she has 5 to gather her kids, the toothbrushes, cash, food, and a change of underwear and haul ass out before they bust her.  

The line went dead. Chipmunk never heard from CrazyWoman again, never heard about or from Ray Ray, and started sleeping thru the night again without worry of CrazyWoman's calls.

Evil Chipmunk was very proud of herself for getting rid of CrazyWoman, despite Chipmunk's admonishments that the ICE threats were mean.  Evil Chipmunk just smirked and grabbed her private bottle of tequila. She was an adult now, and in charge of all of Chipmunk's nefarious plans.

MrsMack10612

I have absolutely nothing good to add after reading @chipmunk415 last post.

I don't have debt collection calls, but my phone # is very similar to a local home health aid company.  I have many elderly folks calling looking for the company, so much so that we start to recognize their names.

We used to just ignore the messages on the machine, but now we call them back or answer when they call so we can let them know they misdialed.  We've considered we should start calling the company and letting them know.