My H is too rough with the kids

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,
My husband and I have been together for more than 10 years and he is a great husband. He dotes on me and is kind and considerate. However, much to my disappointment, he is not a great a father to our children, ages 3 and 5. We both work full-time and split child care duties, but he seems to take little enjoyment in parenting. He’s often irritable and cranky in their presence, and loses his temper with both kids on a regular basis. What worries me the most is that he can be physically rough with them. He’s never hit them outright, but he will grab and handle them in a rough way—a few times there have been marks afterward. We have talked about this, many, many times but nothing changes. I have also gotten visibly upset with him about it in front of the kids, which maybe I shouldn’t do. The real problem is not that he loses his cool, but that he doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with the way he treats them, even though he would never treat me like that. It’s hard to talk about this with anyone without making him sound horrible, and he’s not a monster. I don’t want to divorce him, but I feel like I’m not doing my job as a mother if I let this behavior continue. But then I wonder if I’m overreacting, considering what the rest of America seems to think is OK regarding discipline. Do I drag him to anger management counseling? Get his mother involved? Try to find a part-time job and just wait it out until they’re older and less frustrating to parent? I desperately need some objectivity, please!

—Worried Mom

Heffalump

I have so many thoughts on this:

1.  I just posted that I've been cranky with Wooz and lost my patience as recently as last night, but handling them so roughly that you leave marks?  Jesus.

2.  She says they've discussed it many times and nothing has changed, so I think they need a third party--she's just spinning her wheels.  But:

3.  He doesn't think there's anything wrong with it.  (?!)  So I'm not surprised that nothing has changed--what's his motivation to change?  Red flag that he thinks it's fine, red flag that spouse has brought it up repeatedly and he's cool with it.

4.  Get his mother involved, WTF?  Did she marry a five year old?  That seemed weird and out of left field. 

5.  My experience only goes up to age 5-1/4, but "wait it out until they're older and less frustrating to parent" seems like a losing philosophy--I don't think they get easier, just different.  And honestly, the worst a 5 y.o. is capable of is small potatoes compared to what a 14 y.o. can pull, so if there are issues now, it's not going to magically get better as they get older.

I think counseling, counseling, counseling, and if he's okay with his behavior and doesn't see the need to go, then I don't think she can stay with him, or let the kids have unsupervised visits.