To Give at the Shower, or the Wedding?

Moiramab

Sorry this is gonna be a quick post and run, but want your opinions, as more well-traveled in the wedding world than I am.

My friend is getting married this Saturday, and since she and her fiance have lived together for a few years they decided not to register (instead they have a Paypal set up for "honeymoon funds"; they're getting a card with cash). Even though they're not registered, her FILs are hosting a shower tomorrow night. The way my friend made it sound it is just supposed to be a crafty girly time, to make things for the couple, like display letters of the family name. Still it feels weird to me to attend a shower, that's "advertised" as a shower, without a gift, especially since this is being hosted at a country club and not just someone's house where it could just be a nice time to relax and meet the other family.

I don't plan on going out and buying random shower gift, so instead I wanted to know if you all think I should bring my card to the shower, or just hold onto it until the next day? It's more acceptable etiquette-wise to not give at the reception than pre-wedding events, right?

Liatris2010

I agree that going to a shower empty handed feels weird. Maybe pick up luggage tags or something else small and travel related for the shower and then give your gift at the wedding, or closer to it. It is poor form to bring a boxed gift to the reception, because they can be unwieldy, but a card is perfectly appropriate.

LondonLisa

Moiramab said:

Sorry this is gonna be a quick post and run, but want your opinions, as more well-traveled in the wedding world than I am.

My friend is getting married this Saturday, and since she and her fiance have lived together for a few years they decided not to register (instead they have a Paypal set up for "honeymoon funds"; they're getting a card with cash). Even though they're not registered, her FILs are hosting a shower tomorrow night. The way my friend made it sound it is just supposed to be a crafty girly time, to make things for the couple, like display letters of the family name. Still it feels weird to me to attend a shower, that's "advertised" as a shower, without a gift, especially since this is being hosted at a country club and not just someone's house where it could just be a nice time to relax and meet the other family.

I don't plan on going out and buying random shower gift, so instead I wanted to know if you all think I should bring my card to the shower, or just hold onto it until the next day? It's more acceptable etiquette-wise to not give at the reception than pre-wedding events, right?

To the bolded: seriously!!? They set up a paypal account?! 

I understand why you are confused, as a person who is not registered should not have a shower. It is incredibly rude. I would just show up with a small token gift, like a frame or a bottle of champagne. Scratch that, I probably wouldn't even attend that gift grab! How unbelievably rude!

Lurkers: this is why showers are for boxed gifts only- no one wants to go to a shower with an envelope of cash, gift card or other type of moneybeg!

Moiramab

@LondonLisa

Yeah, there's a few things with this wedding that give me goosebumps, in a bad way. But it definitely also falls into the category of "it's hard to tell a friend they're being rude" (also a note for lurkers). There's only about 20 people invited to the wedding, and it's OOS for me, so not showing up didn't cross my mind. I'm also curious if it's only the 10-or-so female invitees to the wedding that were invited to the shower (I doubt it).

@Liatris2010

Yeah, raised by New Yorkers, I always thought boxed gifts are weird at the actual wedding, but since the knot I guess it's one of those regional things? I hate using that term, but it seems to fit /shrug

So, maybe a trinket from the airport on the way over? >.<

NYCMercedes

I think you cannot show up at the "shower" empty-handed. If I went, I'd just bring my wedding card with my check inside it. That's enough, IMHO.