Moms and Maids

FMIL Drama

Back story: My FMIL is a drama queen and very unreliable. Everything has to be about her and every family function is a "poor me" when it comes to her health issues. She has had 2 hip replacements in the past, but when it's nice outside she's always fine to go out on a boat, shopping, etc. Also, you can read my previous FMIL post about how petty and ridiculous she can be. About a month ago, she told me in private that she thinks (not sure why the doctors haven't figured out exactly what is wrong with her yet) she has kidney failure and "is dying, but will try everything to make it to my (Nov 15) wedding." I know there is something wrong with her but she is definitely exaggerating a lot. A few weeks later she told the rest of her family (most of them have quit talking to her for some time) what was going on, a few days before my bridal shower. The day of my bridal shower my FI went to pick her up 4 hours (he knew she'd be super late) before the shower started and she only lives about 45 min from where the shower was, yet she managed to be an hour late to my 3 hour shower. When she finally did arrive she made a huge deal that she was there. Close friends of my Dad's who have never met or heard anything about this lady made comments to my dad about this. I was furious and hurt she would do this. I also feel horrible for my FI because it obviously hurts him the most. My issue is that I am now terrified she will pull a stunt like this for the wedding. My BMs, my mom, and FMIL are getting ready at my parent's house the day of the wedding. FMIL has willingly agreed to this. However, I think she will be late getting there in time for hair/makeup. Worse, what if she is late for the actual wedding? Should I have FI say anything to her or should I just ride it out with the notion that if she is late, too bad, show goes on? I absolutely will not be late to my wedding for her (or anyone) but I don't want to ruin my FI's day because his mom was not there on time. If she would miss the pre-wedding activities she would also blame my mom somehow. She hates my mom but only has met her a few times and my mom always goes out of her way to be nice and include her in wedding details. She always makes shitty comments to ME about MY mom. It makes me totally uncomfortable. By the way, my parents and myself/FI are paying 100% for the reception. FMIL generously gave me X towards the honeymoon. I'm just at my end with all this drama.

Re: FMIL Drama

  • Sorry, I swear I had paragraphs!
  • First, all I have to say is...woof. So sorry that you're dealing with your FMIL's drama during an already stressful time.

    Is there someone who is not in the bridal party who would be willing to kind of "watch over" your FMIL the day of your wedding? Maybe a close family friend or relative who isn't directly involved in the wedding/doesn't have to be somewhere to handle other things, but understands your FMIL's issues? Because she craves attention, you might even position the person to her as her "special attendant" for the day. That person could be charged with getting her where she needs to be on time so you and your FH don't have to deal with it that day.

    Also, we're getting married the same day! Best wishes to you and your FH.
  • That is a great idea! However, I would feel horrible asking anyone to do this job. She owns a company and often makes her employees her slaves for errands, doctor appointments, driving her places, etc. So I was already thinking she may have one of those girls drive her to my parents house that day. I would feel awkward asking any of them to though. Because 1- I'm not super close with any of them 2- It's a shitty job and I wouldn't want to do it myself so asking someone to seems mean. Thank you!
  • stepana44 said:
    That is a great idea! However, I would feel horrible asking anyone to do this job. She owns a company and often makes her employees her slaves for errands, doctor appointments, driving her places, etc. So I was already thinking she may have one of those girls drive her to my parents house that day. I would feel awkward asking any of them to though. Because 1- I'm not super close with any of them 2- It's a shitty job and I wouldn't want to do it myself so asking someone to seems mean. Thank you!
    But if you're paying them, then, while shitty, it's at least a Job.  "Listen, I will give you $100 to chauffeur FMIL to the wedding.  You get $200 if you make sure FMIL gets to the wedding with 10 minutes to spare.  After the ceremony you are off duty and can enjoy the reception as a guest.  I won't even sit you at the same table as FMIL if you'd prefer to sit elsewhere."
    OliveOilsMomrcher912
  • I agree with Banana and Maire.  Do what you can to mitigate the effect her tardiness could have - she gets the last appointments, the photographs of her/her family are taken last, limit her role pre-ceremony, etc. At the same time, it's your FI's job to let her know, seriously and firmly, that she needs to be on time to wedding-related things from now on, or she will very likely miss out. 

    Then stick to it.  Your FI may want to call or text her one reminder day of - along the lines of "Just a reminder that your hair appointment is at 11:00 AM and that pictures at the church start at 2:30.  See you then!" 
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    Anniversary


  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I would let your FI let her know what times wedding-related things are going to take place, and that they will start without her if she doesn't get there on time.

    I'd also arrange to have a day-of person divert her if she tries to make drama along with late entrances.
    weddingcactus
  • At the end of the day, your FMIL is a grown woman who can read and follow simple directions.  Absolutely schedule her last and, if she misses out then she has to deal with natural consequences.  Stop stressing, and control what you can.  
  • Thanks ladies! I really do feel better about this situation after hearing your advice. FI is going to talk to her this weekend, and we will both stick to what he says! 


    We have a few people in mind to drive her to my parent's house to get ready and "take care" of her the day of, but cannot finalize any plans until we receive rsvps from these people (her sister who is out of state, a few of her friends/employees). 


    About the issues with her and my mom, I totally ignore her when she bad mouths my mom but I also don't want to get on her bad side because she can be very malicious if someone does. She will be my MIL and I can't change that so I try to keep the peace as much as possible. Though it does hurt me to think she is trying to hurt my mom for some unknown reason. Mostly, FMIL will tell me a conversation that she and my mom had, and totally change what my mom really did say to make her seem mean, a bad person, etc. It really is crazy. She has done this 4 times in the past 2 weeks, not to mention times in the past. 
    rcher912
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    I would actually be telling your FMIL that she has the first hair appointment of the day.  But secretly schedule with the hair stylist that she will be later.  You know she will show up late, just expect it.  But telling her that her appointment is earlier will let her think she is still arriving in her typical late entrance with all the fanfare.

    Your FI should have a forceful conversation with her about the wedding starting without her, if she is not there at her scheduled time. Make sure MOG knows FI means business.

    I was a BM in a wedding in July.  The MOH was chronically late to every single appointment she promised the bride she would go to, from the BM luncheon, dress shopping, the b-party.  You name it, she was late.  I mean, just don't offer to go!  And it wasn't 10 minutes, it was ALWAYS an hour plus that she was late.  So I had a private conversation with the bride about it.  Bride said we will start without her.  I said good and then volunteered myself to be on bitch duty.  If the MOH was dragging her heels, I was fully prepared to put her on blast to get her ass moving.  Oh and this was the bride's sister too! 

    On the day, MOH was perfect and punctual.  The MOB was another story!  While still in the bridal suite, the photographer came for some bridal portraits.  Bride sat in a chair and got some liquid makeup on her butt.  So while we were digging into the emergency kit to get the makeup removed from the dress all MOB could talk about was suing the MUA since she ruined the dress.  So I told MOB, that this talk wasn't helping and unless she had a tide stick in her dress it would be best if she waited outside.  MOB left and bride was so thankful!  She even laughs about how I "shut down" her mom!

    [Deleted User]
  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited October 2014
    stepana44 said:
    Thanks ladies! I really do feel better about this situation after hearing your advice. FI is going to talk to her this weekend, and we will both stick to what he says! 


    We have a few people in mind to drive her to my parent's house to get ready and "take care" of her the day of, but cannot finalize any plans until we receive rsvps from these people (her sister who is out of state, a few of her friends/employees). 


    About the issues with her and my mom, I totally ignore her when she bad mouths my mom but I also don't want to get on her bad side because she can be very malicious if someone does. She will be my MIL and I can't change that so I try to keep the peace as much as possible. Though it does hurt me to think she is trying to hurt my mom for some unknown reason. Mostly, FMIL will tell me a conversation that she and my mom had, and totally change what my mom really did say to make her seem mean, a bad person, etc. It really is crazy. She has done this 4 times in the past 2 weeks, not to mention times in the past. 
    You sure do give this woman a lot of power in your life. Sounds like everybody else does too. Maybe if you all started standing up to her and refusing to allow her to treat you all like crap, she'd actually stop treating you all like crap. As it stands now, by not putting your collective feet down and by kowtowing to her every whim and going out of your way to not upset her while she craps all over you, you're all giving her your permission to crap all over you.
    MairePoppyOliveOilsMomsouthernbelle0915
  • Ziti- Since I have met her, everyone caters to her, for many reasons. I have always been against this, yet try to keep the peace so it doesn't upset FI. He just wants everyone to get along. I get that. 

    She is definitely doing it on purpose, for attention. We will be telling her the appointment is much earlier than it is. Let's hope she is on time. 

    Now, I am having more wedding issues with her unrelated to this. I don't think it will ever stop. 
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    stepana44 said:
    Ziti- Since I have met her, everyone caters to her, for many reasons. I have always been against this, yet try to keep the peace so it doesn't upset FI. He just wants everyone to get along. I get that. 

    She is definitely doing it on purpose, for attention. We will be telling her the appointment is much earlier than it is. Let's hope she is on time. 

    Now, I am having more wedding issues with her unrelated to this. I don't think it will ever stop. 
    If your FI expects you to keep the peace with his mother at your own mother's expense, I think you have not just an FMIL problem but a big relationship problem with your FI that would make me reconsider marrying him.

    My mom and I don't always get along, but I will not hear shit about her from other people-let alone be told to put up with it.
  • There are a lot more issues to this woman/FI family than I have discussed. Therefore, it gets sticky and I often feel very uncomfortable around her. It's not that I let her walk all over me and talk shit on my mom so FI doesn't get mad, that does not happen at all. I just know his mom is a sensitive subject for him so I try not to let him know the drama he moms causes. 

    I just found out today that FI family is now planning a drug intervention for FMIL the day after the wedding. That's how bad it has gotten, and all of the issues surrounding FMIL stems from her addiction. Hopefully this will help and she goes back to the "real" her. 
  • stepana44 said:
    There are a lot more issues to this woman/FI family than I have discussed. Therefore, it gets sticky and I often feel very uncomfortable around her. It's not that I let her walk all over me and talk shit on my mom so FI doesn't get mad, that does not happen at all. I just know his mom is a sensitive subject for him so I try not to let him know the drama he moms causes. 

    I just found out today that FI family is now planning a drug intervention for FMIL the day after the wedding. That's how bad it has gotten, and all of the issues surrounding FMIL stems from her addiction. Hopefully this will help and she goes back to the "real" her. 
    Why are they waiting until after the wedding? I'm no expert, so I'm genuinly curious/ willing to admit that my assumption is incorrect but... shouldn't something like that take place asap?
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    lilacck28 said:
    stepana44 said:
    There are a lot more issues to this woman/FI family than I have discussed. Therefore, it gets sticky and I often feel very uncomfortable around her. It's not that I let her walk all over me and talk shit on my mom so FI doesn't get mad, that does not happen at all. I just know his mom is a sensitive subject for him so I try not to let him know the drama he moms causes. 

    I just found out today that FI family is now planning a drug intervention for FMIL the day after the wedding. That's how bad it has gotten, and all of the issues surrounding FMIL stems from her addiction. Hopefully this will help and she goes back to the "real" her. 
    Why are they waiting until after the wedding? I'm no expert, so I'm genuinly curious/ willing to admit that my assumption is incorrect but... shouldn't something like that take place asap?
    Because interventions often make the subject of the intervention react defensively and angrily for some time after it happens.  No one wants a MOG in that kind of mood at the wedding.
  • If it goes well, she'll go to rehab which would mean if they did it now she would not make it to the wedding (in about 3 weeks) and no one wants her to miss the wedding. Plus she would probably use the wedding as an excuse not to go to rehab. If she freaks and refuses to go, the tension between the family will be extreme until she does choose to go, which no one wants that atmosphere at the wedding.
    MairePoppy
  • lilacck28lilacck28 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited October 2014
    I get that, those explanations make sense. I have no experience with drugs or family and friends having drug issues, and I don't know your situation at all, but  I guess my thinking was... it sounds dire, and three weeks of no rehab/ conversation about getting help could be three weeks where she could overdose and die. Sorry-- my brain went to extremes. I hope you have a fantastic wedding, and that things work out with your FMIL and she gets well.
  • I agree, but this is FI family's decision (particularly FMILs sister, who is planning it), not mine. There really is no "best time" to do it so I have to trust his aunt knows what she's doing. 

    I'm just hoping FMIL goes to rehab after this all goes down for her sake. We are leaving for our HM that night and the last thing I want FI to think about all week is this situation. If she goes, I know that will be a lot off of his chest. 
    lilacck28
  • I would leave most of the communication with FMIL with your fiance. I would make sure FMIL knows that there is a specific time at which she is scheduled for a grand entrance to the ceremony and make it clear that if she is not there, she does not get a grand entrance and the ceremony will start without her. Hopefully that will put a fire under her to realize that she needs to get there on time if she wants to be involved at all.
  • Ohhhh you are a better person than me because if anyone said anything negative to me about my mother I would GO OFF on them. You need to let your fiance be the intermediary between the two of you and absolutely, warn her in advance, that you will leave for the ceremony without her if she is late to hair and makeup and you will start the wedding without her if she is late. Let someone from your venue or your planner know so they can make sure she doesn't come stomping down the aisle in the middle of your vows or something.
  • Update: We got married about 6 weeks ago, yay!! Everything with MIL went according to planned, the day of anyway. She ended up getting her hair/makeup done by her stylist and looked beautiful!

    The day before the wedding she refused to come to the rehearsal, even after H begged her to come, no real reason. She was co-hosting the RD with FIL and Step-MIL. MIL finally showed at RD, wanting to give the venue a check and leave but FIL talked her in to staying. So she did and everything was fine, other than telling H and I to "go f ourselves." Pretty sure the day before drama was just a last effort to hold on to her son. Whatever. 

    We haven't spoke much since. H talks to her every other day or so (she lives 20 min from us). She is one of those people who changes "favorites" a lot. She'll hate BIL's girlfriend for awhile and pretend to be my new best friend, and then visa versa. I'm keeping my distance from now on though, for my own sanity. It is way too exhausting to keep up with her. 
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