changing names- adoption

MrsHtobe2015

Hi all, Im wondering if anyone knows the proper way to go about hyphenating/changing a last name for my daughter. FI is going to adopt her. when we marry I would like my daughter to have FI name added in some way. how would you alter the name? current name- jane doe (doe being the fathers last name) or hyphen- jane doe-smith? or jane smith-doe or jane smith in which order would I hyphenate? or would I drop one name or would make one last name a second middle name? im lost TIA

tigersgirlgv

A big part of my answer would revolve around how old she is.  If she is old enough to have a say in the decision, I say it's up to her. Does she want to keep her father's last name? Obviously, if she's a baby/toddler that's not an option.

If she's too young to have a say, I'd want to know if her father is still a part of her life and if so, how does he feel about it. Also, what will your last name be after the wedding?

mrscomposer

I would say it depends on how (if at all) her biological dad is involved, really. My biological dad was never in the picture, and my mom and dad started dating right after I was born (married when I was almost two). So when my dad legally adopted me, I went from jsangel Mom'sLastName to jsangel Dad'sLastName.

The other question I would have is whether you were ever a Doe yourself, or if you were a Jones the whole time and if you're hyphenating yourself? Would you be Mrs. Jones-Smith, or Mrs. Doe-Smith while your daughter is Miss Doe-Smith.

I think I might be confusing myself... but bottom line I think if you are going to hyphenate, the proper way would be BirthName-AdoptedName. I could be wrong on that, though.

MrsHtobe2015

thanks, my name is my maiden name we were never married. I will be michelle newlastname on the wedding day. My daughter is 5, her father can visit her under supervision at a access centre (abusive dead beat) he often cancels scheduled visits but they do have some relationship. I have full custody. we do have a relationship with his parents though.

MrsHtobe2015

her choice is to hyphenate but im not quite sure she would care or know really either way. Her father doesn't have a say in the name change according to the court, he gave up that right...

 

mrscomposer

Dad didn't actually legally adopt me until I was four, but I was still pretty young and as far as I can remember, I was always a ______ (his last name).  An option would be to hyphenate your daughter's name as Doe-Smith, but call her Miss Smith.  She can decide when she's older whether she wants to go with both or just one.

IrishPirate60

I wouldn't hyphenate because usually the hyphen for kids indicates Mom's name and Dad's name. Your daughter would have two dads' names--and wouldn't match your own. If your new husband is going to adopt her, her current last name could simply become part of her middle name.

My dad died before I was a year old. Stepfather adopted me when I was three and I got his name. However, I always knew my birthfather's name and would include it whenever I was writing out initials. It came in handy when I was 24 and had a huge falling out with the stepfather. Went to court that summer and changed my name back to my birth name. Just had to swear I wasn't doing the change to hide from creditors.

JaxInBlue

Ultimately, I think it's your daughter's choice.  I might, however, consider waiting for a little while beyond your wedding before making a specific and legally binding decision.  You may find that your marriage changes the dynamic between your daughter and her father or between your daughter her grandparents.  You may want to explore options for your daughter to begin by being called one thing socially and informally while retaining her current name, at least until she determine what feels comfortable to her.

As a former hyphenate though (until I married), I would consider trying out Smith-Doe.  If you will be Mrs. Smith and your husband will be Mr. Smith, using the new family name first keeps things more uniform.  In my experience, it was more frequently the second name that was dropped, which sometimes created problems for the parent associated with that name.  Also, more pragmatically, you'd all be more likely to remain alphabetized together or at least in closer proximity.  It's a weird thing to fixate one, but having to pick up my name tag or place card or whatever separately from the rest of my family always felt like it emphasized a negative difference.

kimberly0315

I think it's a personal decision.  FI was in the same situation when he was 2.  His birth name was John Brian Doe.  Now Doe is his middle name and he has 2 middle names (Brian and Doe) then his adoptive fathers surname is his current surname.

NYCMercedes

Don't you have to wait until the adoption is final before you can change her name?

bahamabride2015

I actually wouldn't change anything for her until she is a bit older and can have some input.  Honestly if the dad isn't a good guy, she will figure that out pretty fast and will know whether she wants his name or not.  It also depends on whether she ends up having a good relationship with your new husband.  At 5, things with them may be fine but at 13 when things start getting hormonal (lets be honest, we were all a little crazy then) she may feel like the name and associated "father" was pushed on her without her consent.  

Another option she may want to choose later is to take your maiden name, don't rule that out.  I had a friend do that when she was a teenager. At this point I would say leave it as-is.

danamw

Adoption means your FI is agreeing to be her father legally and in practice. It means he is saying "this child is mine".  Her bio-dad doesn't matter anymore. Don't you have to get him to sign away his rights?

If you are not sure, don't do anything about adoption or name-changing. A 5 year old is not equipped to make this decision right now. If your FI definitely wants to adopt, that can happen, but the name changing can be put off until you are all sure.

huskypuppy14

If your FI is adopting her, and you will have your husband's last name, I would fully change your daughter's last name. No hyphenating (I personally don't like it, but each their own).

My mom had me when she was 21, and I had my Mom's maiden name (Jones). When she married my Dad when I was 2 (he was not on my birth certificate) she changed her name (Smith), but never changed mine. However, I always went by my Dad's last name (Smith) in school and such (things were probably different back then). My younger sisters were all Smith's.

 It wasn't until I got my drivers license that I had to use my legal last name. It became a big problem when I was in college, because I was enrolled as a Smith but was legally a Jones. Then after 911 the summer before Junior year they informed me that my name was going to be Jones on all the paperwork and school lists and such. I decided to legally change my name then, and my Dad officially adopted me. Now my name is still Smith even though I'm married.

From personal experience I wouldn't wait. This was a problem for me when I had my mother's maiden name; your daughter is going to have a name that is not even related to her legal parents.

If your ex's parents want to see her, that's your decision, but she doesn't have to have the same name as them.