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Matron of Honor problems

Knottie27764573Knottie27764573 member
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A little background. The person I chose for my matron of honor was the same person that I was a bridesmaid at her wedding last year. She chose me later in because I had introduced her to her husband, but we lost touch and had just recently reconnected. I got deeper involved about 3 weeks before her wedding. She had procrastinated so long that I had to help plan 1/3-1/2 her wedding, 3 WEEKS BEFORE! Everything down to designing her wedding cake because she "couldn't make up her mind." I helped her get dressed, put her veil on and bustle her train. Everything that is the MOH duties. But I was only a bridesmaid! Now that I am getting married, I thought she would be the perfect MOH considering SURELY she appreciated everything I did for her and would be there for me in the same manner. I THOUGHT WRONG! My wedding is 1 year from now. I am doing a lot diy. And I have already started because I will NOT be like she was, running around like a chicken with its head cut off a week before the wedding. I would rather have everything done early and be able to relax before the big day. She knows this. She came to look at the reception hall ( same one she had) with myself and fiancé. They informed me that they are changing some things such as curtains to make the place look nicer. She turned to the lady and said, "Really? So HER wedding reception is going to look better than MINE." When we sat down to discuss details with the lady, we told her that it would be about 70 people. My MOH then turned to me and said, "I thought you told me this was going to be a BIG wedding? Like 150 people?" Not true. We told her that we wanted a smaller wedding with a big PARTY for all of our friends for the reception. I got the feeling that it wasn't "good enough for her". She has not contacted me in ANY way ONCE since that day (2 months ago). Mind you, I am foregoing a bridal shower and a bachelorette party. So she is already off the hook for those duties. Knowing that I am making my own centerpieces and favors and could use help, I would have thought she would at the very LEAST call me and ask how it's going and offer help. NOPE! I contacted her about a month ago and addressed it. She told me that she is waiting for ME to call HER! Am I wrong to feel that it's wrong? I'm doing EVERYTHING myself already, and she wants ME to call HER too? Wow! I need some input, please!!!
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Re: Matron of Honor problems

  • doeydodoeydo member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Knottie27764573 said:
    A little background. The person I chose for my matron of honor was the same person that I was a bridesmaid at her wedding last year. She chose me later in because I had introduced her to her husband, but we lost touch and had just recently reconnected. I got deeper involved about 3 weeks before her wedding. She had procrastinated so long that I had to help plan 1/3-1/2 her wedding, 3 WEEKS BEFORE! Everything down to designing her wedding cake because she "couldn't make up her mind." I helped her get dressed, put her veil on and bustle her train. Everything that is the MOH duties. But I was only a bridesmaid! Now that I am getting married, I thought she would be the perfect MOH considering SURELY she appreciated everything I did for her and would be there for me in the same manner. I THOUGHT WRONG! My wedding is 1 year from now. I am doing a lot diy. And I have already started because I will NOT be like she was, running around like a chicken with its head cut off a week before the wedding. I would rather have everything done early and be able to relax before the big day. She knows this. She came to look at the reception hall ( same one she had) with myself and fiancé. They informed me that they are changing some things such as curtains to make the place look nicer. She turned to the lady and said, "Really? So HER wedding reception is going to look better than MINE." When we sat down to discuss details with the lady, we told her that it would be about 70 people. My MOH then turned to me and said, "I thought you told me this was going to be a BIG wedding? Like 150 people?" Not true. We told her that we wanted a smaller wedding with a big PARTY for all of our friends for the reception. I got the feeling that it wasn't "good enough for her". She has not contacted me in ANY way ONCE since that day (2 months ago). Mind you, I am foregoing a bridal shower and a bachelorette party. So she is already off the hook for those duties. Knowing that I am making my own centerpieces and favors and could use help, I would have thought she would at the very LEAST call me and ask how it's going and offer help. NOPE! I contacted her about a month ago and addressed it. She told me that she is waiting for ME to call HER! Am I wrong to feel that it's wrong? I'm doing EVERYTHING myself already, and she wants ME to call HER too? Wow! I need some input, please!!!
    Take a deep breath.  
    Now, weddings are not tit for tat.  Whatever you did when you were her bridesmaid does not mean she has to do the same things for you now that she is your MOH.  She does not have to do anything other than purchase the agreed upon dress (which you should ask privately what her budget is and stay within it), show up on time, and smile for pictures. Anything else is above and beyond.  She is not supposed to throw you parties or help you DIY things, that is what your FI and wedding planners are for.  
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  • Knottie27764573Knottie27764573 member
    First Comment
    I thought the same things as duties go. So I decided to google it what a MOH duties are. EVERY SINGLE (including this one) website says that their duties are waaaay more than to buy a dress and show up.
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  • Knottie27764573Knottie27764573 member
    First Comment
    Btw, I would turn her down for any help. So that's not the problem. The problem is that she is not even showing ANY interest in the wedding AT ALL. Also, I wanted to set straight that I did what I did for her because she backed me into a corner and guilted me saying she had no one to help her.
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  • plainjane0415plainjane0415 member
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    Knottie27764573 said:
    I thought the same things as duties go. So I decided to google it what a MOH duties are. EVERY SINGLE (including this one) website says that their duties are waaaay more than to buy a dress and show up.

    Stop saying that.  Being a bridesmaid isn't a full time job, they don't have duties, assignments, or tasks.  Please take the advice here and stop expecting help from this girl.  It's not going to happen. Plan the wedding YOU want by doing your crafting planning etc YOURSELF.
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  • Knottie27764573Knottie27764573 member
    First Comment
    That is what I am doing. By myself. I take it u didn't see my post saying that I would turn her down for help. But that the real problem is that she doesn't show any interest at all in my wedding. Btw, I never invited her to the reception hall. I told her we were going there and she just showed up claiming she wanted to be up to date and involved. And I haven't heard from her since.
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  • plainjane0415plainjane0415 member
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    I know it sucks that she isn't showing any interest in your wedding, but as PP have said weddings are not tit for tat.  People aren't going to think your wedding is as important as you do.

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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Knottie27764573 said:
    Btw, I would turn her down for any help. So that's not the problem. The problem is that she is not even showing ANY interest in the wedding AT ALL. Also, I wanted to set straight that I did what I did for her because she backed me into a corner and guilted me saying she had no one to help her.
    She doesn't have to show any interest.  Sorry but no one is going to be as excited about your wedding as you will be.

    I feel like something else went down during the reception venue visit that pissed her off and made her not want to talk to you.

    And you still chose to help her.  You didn't have to.  Unless she literally put a gun to your head and forced you to help her you still had a choice.  So just because you got "guilted" into helping her does not mean she has to return the favor.

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  • novella1186novella1186 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    Knottie27764573 said:
    Btw, I would turn her down for any help. So that's not the problem. The problem is that she is not even showing ANY interest in the wedding AT ALL. Also, I wanted to set straight that I did what I did for her because she backed me into a corner and guilted me saying she had no one to help her.
    No one cares as much about your wedding as you and your FI. This isn't as exciting for her, it's not HER big day, so she's not required to show a ton of interest. 

    And if you want her help, YOU need to call HER. Being upset cuz you're waiting around for her to call you and beg to help you out and she hasn't done so yet is absurd. You want something, ask for it. It's YOUR wedding, it's up to YOU. And as other PPs have said, she has no duties other than to show up in the right dress. 

    It sounds like you chose your MOH based on who should/could do the most stuff for you. That was a mistake. 
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  • Knottie27764573Knottie27764573 member
    First Comment
    Believe me, I do not expect her to do what I did for her. She couldn't even begin to even THINK of it. It was too much. And if she couldn't make up her own mind for her own wedding....well, u know. She told me initially she wanted to be involved in all of it and share in the joy with me. Dress shopping, cake ordering and yes....even helping me with making things. That is why SHE chose to show up at the reception hall. She was a little rude there with the way she acted and I haven't heard a word from her since. THAT is what my problem is.
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Knottie27764573 said:
    Believe me, I do not expect her to do what I did for her. She couldn't even begin to even THINK of it. It was too much. And if she couldn't make up her own mind for her own wedding....well, u know. She told me initially she wanted to be involved in all of it and share in the joy with me. Dress shopping, cake ordering and yes....even helping me with making things. That is why SHE chose to show up at the reception hall. She was a little rude there with the way she acted and I haven't heard a word from her since. THAT is what my problem is.
    Yeah a lot of people say that in the beginning because they are excited for you but then they live their lives and start caring about other things.

    Did you by any chance think about asking how she was the day she should up to the reception hall?  If her behavior is not necessarily the norm maybe she was having a hard time with something else but unfortunately took it out on you.

    So, my advice is to pick up the phone and talk to her.  Not about your wedding or that day at the reception hall.  But about her.  See how she is doing.  Be the bigger person.  If you don't want to be the bigger person and would rather wait around for something to happen then fine.  But you need to realize that this lack of communication is just as much your fault as it is hers.

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  • plainjane0415plainjane0415 member
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    Let's back the truck up a second here... and start with the fundamentals of this situation... why did you choose her to be your bridesmaid?  apologies if you have already addressed that...

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  • novella1186novella1186 member
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    Knottie27764573 said:
    Believe me, I do not expect her to do what I did for her. She couldn't even begin to even THINK of it. It was too much. And if she couldn't make up her own mind for her own wedding....well, u know. She told me initially she wanted to be involved in all of it and share in the joy with me. Dress shopping, cake ordering and yes....even helping me with making things. That is why SHE chose to show up at the reception hall. She was a little rude there with the way she acted and I haven't heard a word from her since. THAT is what my problem is.
    If those are your main concerns, you should have left all the other stuff out of your OP, cuz it kind of dilutes the "real" problem at hand. Stop including her in stuff if she's going to be rude. There's no reason to let her bring you down, and there's no reason to include her. Just don't expect anything from her, since she doesn't owe you anything, and if she decides not to be a jerk then you'll be pleasantly surprised. If she continues to be a jerk, who cares? Your wedding will still be awesome either way. 

    Don't worry about not hearing from her. She has her own life too, and her own stuff going on. If your wedding is a whole year away, you don't need to talk to her about anything yet anyway. Just relax, this is not so bad. 
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  • Knottie27764573Knottie27764573 member
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    I did not chose her with that in mind. I don't need her for that. She couldn't do her own. As a matter of fact my bridesmaids have , without me asking, even offered up their help. Yet she can't even so much as call me. Point is that, as (she calls herself) my friend, I would expect her to care enough to at least OFFER. Especially since, like I said, she claimed she wanted to do these things before she found out they were going to upgrade the rehearsal hall from what she had and finding out it wasn't going to be the wedding of the year with 150 guest that she thought she was going to be a part of.
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    Knottie27764573 said:
    I did not chose her with that in mind. I don't need her for that. She couldn't do her own. As a matter of fact my bridesmaids have , without me asking, even offered up their help. Yet she can't even so much as call me. Point is that, as (she calls herself) my friend, I would expect her to care enough to at least OFFER. Especially since, like I said, she claimed she wanted to do these things before she found out they were going to upgrade the rehearsal hall from what she had and finding out it wasn't going to be the wedding of the year with 150 guest that she thought she was going to be a part of.
    You aren't getting it.  She could barely plan her own wedding so what makes you think she wants to help with yours?  Yes she may have said that she wanted to help when you first got engaged, but like I said a lot of people say that but don't really mean it.  And just because she is your friend does not mean that she needs to offer to help you with your wedding.  From the sounds of it she really isn't in to the whole wedding planning stuff so just drop it.

    You need to get over the fact that she doesn't want to help you with your wedding.

    And I am going to repeat plainjane's question...so why did you ask this person to be your MOH? Because personally, it doesn't sound like you like her all that much.

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  • Knottie27764573Knottie27764573 member
    First Comment
    First of all, let me explain. I told all of that to show what a good friend I have been to her when she guilted me into helping her. And I did NOT include her in anything for her to be rude. I casually mentioned that we had an appointment at the reception hall. She just showed up. And I have picked up the phone and contacted her. In my opinion there is no excuse why she has not called me back. She has no job and no children. She has all day everyday that she is sitting at home.
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  • plainjane0415plainjane0415 member
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    Knottie27764573 said:
    I did not chose her with that in mind. I don't need her for that. She couldn't do her own. As a matter of fact my bridesmaids have , without me asking, even offered up their help. Yet she can't even so much as call me. Point is that, as (she calls herself) my friend, I would expect her to care enough to at least OFFER. Especially since, like I said, she claimed she wanted to do these things before she found out they were going to upgrade the rehearsal hall from what she had and finding out it wasn't going to be the wedding of the year with 150 guest that she thought she was going to be a part of.

    Great!  That's how it should be, now you have people in the wedding party that have offered to help, and are there for you, so what's the problem?  Why is it such a big deal that your MOH isn't showing interest?  It sounds like you have some other good friends in your wedding party, so why don't you focus on that instead of the negative?  i'm telling you it is not worth it. 
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  • novella1186novella1186 member
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    Maggie0829 said:
    Knottie27764573 said:
    First of all, let me explain. I told all of that to show what a good friend I have been to her when she guilted me into helping her. And I did NOT include her in anything for her to be rude. I casually mentioned that we had an appointment at the reception hall. She just showed up. And I have picked up the phone and contacted her. In my opinion there is no excuse why she has not called me back. She has no job and no children. She has all day everyday that she is sitting at home.
    Okay now you are just sounding super judgmental.  Stop it.

    So you were a fucking fantastic friend to her. Awesome.  But being a friend means that you do shit because you love that person, NOT that you expect the same shit in return.

    Honestly, your friend sounds pissed off at you (why? who knows) OR is going through some shit that has nothing to do with you so that is why she is not calling you back.

    I would call her once more.  Leave a message and tell her that you are concerned because you haven't heard from her in a while and you hope that she is doing okay.  Then leave it alone.

    And you still haven't answered why you chose her as your MOH?  Why did you pick her because honestly, from all of your posts, you don't sound like you like her.  So why did you pick her?
    I'm gonna stick with what I said earlier in the thread: she chose the person who she though could/should do the most stuff for her. 
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  • sarawifenowsarawifenow member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    You need to chill. Your wedding is a year out and you are already going full on Bridezilla. Your MOH has no "duties". Also, the best wedding advice I ever received was that your wedding is not as important to anyone else as it is to you. Keep your cool, be level-headed, and realize that at the end of the day, all she has to do is show up and be dressed.
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  • slothiegalslothiegal member
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    OK.  So kick her out and end the friendship.

    Is that the advice you wanted?
    Anniversary

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  • levioosalevioosa member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Knottie27764573 said:
    First of all, let me explain. I told all of that to show what a good friend I have been to her when she guilted me into helping her. And I did NOT include her in anything for her to be rude. I casually mentioned that we had an appointment at the reception hall. She just showed up. And I have picked up the phone and contacted her. In my opinion there is no excuse why she has not called me back. She has no job and no children. She has all day everyday that she is sitting at home.
    You are being ridiculous.  Weddings aren't for everyone, and yours won't be as important to anyone else but you and FI.  By the way, where is FI in all of this?  Because it's his responsibility to be helping, not your bridesmaids.  They are your nearest and dearest, and it's an honor to be a bridesmaid.  They're not your slaves.  

    Don't presume you know what's happening in her life.  All that's required of her as a bridesmaid is to show up sober and in the right dress on the day of the wedding.  Wedding websites are after money and have no care for the friendships they send burning to hell in the process.  

    When is the last time you called to actually see how she is doing, and not ask about WHY SHE ISN'T HELPING, OMG???

    P.S. Sounds like weddings aren't her thing.  


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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its

    If she wasn't that interested in planning her own wedding, why would you think she'd be interested in yours?

    You should expect that she will buy the dress that you've agreed upon and show up sober and on time for your wedding ceremony. If she volunteers to do anything else, you'll be delightfully surprised.

                       
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    After you took so much upon yourself during her wedding because she was incapable of it or whatever, I don't understand why you thought it would make her understand or appreciate why you want the same from her.

    Is she normally a low-maintenance and/or not usually a person who gets involved in planning big events? That might, in addition to what PPs have said about there not being any MOH duties other than to obtain the designated outfit and show up in it sober, on time, and in good spirits at the wedding, and that no one will be as excited about your wedding as you are, might help explain her own lack of enthusiasm.

    Have you asked her about her own life or tried to talk about anything besides your wedding with her?
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  • Knottie27764573Knottie27764573 member
    First Comment
    First of all, I did NOT pick her for the help. I can and will do it all myself. I said that it would have been nice to OFFER. If u all can not understand the meaning of a friend that is supposed to care about you, I don't know what to tell you. I did talk to her today as a matter of fact. Her exact words to me were, "I am NOT loving or kind to ANYONE unless they have something I WANT!" I guess THAT is the kind of friend u all LIKE and WANT in ur wedding. But not I. Have a nice day in ur diluted little world. Because I know for DECADES it has been customary for MOHs to be the brides right hand woman and to help with everything the bride needs. Have fun with ur stuffy, uncomfortable weddings that everyone BUT u wants to forget. Mine will be a BLAST and will be talked about for YEARS TO COME!!!
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