Memorial Candle at Ceremony?

DaniBites

I had fully planned on doing this until I saw the thread on the customs board talking about deceased loved ones...

Since I lost my dad, my uncle is walking me down the aisle.  I was going to have him walk me to a small table with a memorial candle on it (one of those big candles you engrave your loved ones name on, I think I saw it in the shop here), then I was going to light the candle and proceed to my fiance.  I was thinking of putting a small picture of my dad on the table, not large enough for everyone to see, just for myself.

Is that going to make my guests feel awkward?  I thought it would me nice for my mom and myself since we would be the only ones who would know exactly what the candle is for, the guests wouldn't see the engraved name and the picture would be too small to be obvious.  My goal was for the guests to just think I was lighting a candle.

Rude?  Weird?  Awkward?  I had really liked the idea.

novella1186

Not rude at all, but I don't think you should do any memorial stuff during your and your FI's ceremony. What if you had that small photo of him tucked into your bouquet instead? Or have the candle on a table at the reception, just something special for you and your mom to know the meaning of it. Keep the ceremony about the two of you, about the celebration of your new beginning, in my opinion. 

slothiegal

First of all, I'm sorry for your loss.  

I'm personally not a fan of memorials at weddings.  I like PP's suggestion of a photo of him tucked away (or something equally simple).  I wrapped my Nonni's handkerchief around my bouquet. 

southernbelle0915

This sounds wayyyy too much like a memorial, IMO. It'll be awkward for FI's family, tragic for your family and garish for both families.

Do you think your dad would want the wedding ceremony to be about him? Or for your loved ones to be focused on him instead of you? I didn't know your dad, but most dads would say absolutely not. They'd want the day to be about their daughter. 

Carry something of his with you - either on your person or on your bouquet, play a song that reminds you of him, serve his favorite side dish, etc. These are things YOU know about and that's all that matters.

[Deleted User]

I agree with all the previous posters.  Play "The Twist" in the middle of your reception because you know he loved to dance to it.  Serve Crab Cakes because they were his favorite.  Wear his wedding band on a chain around your neck.  But don't have a candle ceremony or a rose ceremony or any other type of memorial during your wedding.  It's a wedding, not a memorial service.  When The Twist starts playing, grab your mom and go boogie.  When the Crab Cakes are served, go clink glasses with your mom and indulge in the delicious food.  After the ceremony, when it's time to give your mom a hug, take the chain from around your neck and put it around her neck.  It'll just be for the two of you to have your own remembrance and make a memory of remembering your dad.  But doesn't throw it in every else's face.

holyguacamole79

DaniBites said:

I had fully planned on doing this until I saw the thread on the customs board talking about deceased loved ones...

Since I lost my dad, my uncle is walking me down the aisle.  I was going to have him walk me to a small table with a memorial candle on it (one of those big candles you engrave your loved ones name on, I think I saw it in the shop here), then I was going to light the candle and proceed to my fiance.  I was thinking of putting a small picture of my dad on the table, not large enough for everyone to see, just for myself.

Is that going to make my guests feel awkward?  I thought it would me nice for my mom and myself since we would be the only ones who would know exactly what the candle is for, the guests wouldn't see the engraved name and the picture would be too small to be obvious.  My goal was for the guests to just think I was lighting a candle.

Rude?  Weird?  Awkward?  I had really liked the idea.

I'm sorry for your loss. Logistically, I think this would be confusing to the guests since they wouldn't be able to see the engraving and picture. I would be wondering what was going on if I was there.

I also agree with PPs - I'm not a huge fan of memorials at weddings.

Butterflyz419

I understand some of the concerns here, and I agree there's a line but I think even at a wedding you need to honor those that matter to you in a way that makes sense for you. 

For me, my dad has been gone now nearly 6 years, it'll be nearly 7 by the time I get married next June.

I was very much a Daddy's girl so it is very important to me to recognize him in a number of ways at my wedding, some are just for me, some will be visible to others. For just for me, he was a soccer and basketball coach and loved doing that and was well known in town for all he did for youth sports where we lived. He had received an engraved whistle with his initials on it for a gift, and since he and I very much shared that love of sports and I even served as his assistant when I was in high school, that whistle will be wrapped around my bouquet. 

The big thing that I'm doing that will be visible to others is a note on the back of my program to memorialize him and explain our favors. We are giving donuts as favors at the end of the night to our guests, the reason being when I was growing up whenever my dad went out for a while, very often he'd bring home a donut for me. No reason in particular, just because. I started dating my FI after my dad had passed away; the first time I invited him over dinner, he brought me a donut--not a bottle of wine, flowers, candy, a cake, or a pie...but 2 donuts, one for him, one for me. That was when I knew my dad had sent this guy for me special. So we are giving our guests donuts as a simple token of our love for them, just as the donuts my dad would bring me were a simple token of his love for me and it's really important for me to share that story of my father with my guests, because he is part of my joy even if he's not there.

The point is, I think in regards to this, while you do need to keep in mind others comfort too, you really have to find a way to honor that connection in a way that's meaningful to you and I don't think you have to worry about pleasing every single person in this decision. For me, there's no getting around some sadness on the day. Every wedding I go to I tear up during the father-daughter dance. He's not going to be there, so the least I can do is honor a very special memory that I have of him and for me also ties in to why I love my FI.

Jen4948

I'm very sorry for your loss.

That said, even if the other guests can't see the writing on the candle, lighting it just before you go down the aisle is a very unsubtle gesture that puts your grief and loss in too prominent a moment. Remember, your wedding is supposed to be a happy occasion.

PPs have suggested nice, appropriate ways for you to remember your father during your wedding.

holyguacamole79

@Butterflyz419‌ , I love your donut story!

DaniBites

Thanks for all the suggestions everyone!

I have one of his necklaces that I put on the day after he died and haven't taken it off since.  Maybe I'll wrap that or another one of his necklaces around the bouquet and light the candle before the ceremony so it just looks like a candle?

Tomorrow makes six months he's gone, I might be being a little over protective of the candle idea because this sucks and it's making me feel better.

plainjane0415

sarahbear31 said:

@Butterflyz419‌ , I love your donut story!

Ditto.  I teared up a little reading it.  Such a neat, personal favor to give.

holyguacamole79

DaniBites said:

Thanks for all the suggestions everyone!

I have one of his necklaces that I put on the day after he died and haven't taken it off since.  Maybe I'll wrap that or another one of his necklaces around the bouquet and light the candle before the ceremony so it just looks like a candle?

Tomorrow makes six months he's gone, I might be being a little over protective of the candle idea because this sucks and it's making me feel better.

I'm so sorry, @DaniBites‌. I think lighting the candle before the ceremony would be nice. How early are you getting to the venue? I imagine you'd want to light it in private and not whIle your guests are waiting for the ceremony to start. I'm just trying to think of logistics.

slothiegal

DaniBites said:

Thanks for all the suggestions everyone!

I have one of his necklaces that I put on the day after he died and haven't taken it off since.  Maybe I'll wrap that or another one of his necklaces around the bouquet and light the candle before the ceremony so it just looks like a candle?

Tomorrow makes six months he's gone, I might be being a little over protective of the candle idea because this sucks and it's making me feel better.

(((hugs)))

I think both the necklace and the candle before the ceremony are beautiful ideas.  

Here's another big (((HUG))) for good measure.

goin2vegas

I'm so sorry for your loss. I personally see nothing wrong with the candle lighting but I wouldn't do a picture on the table. That would seem more of a memorial IMO.

I have seen brides have a small picture in a locket that is attached to their bouquet. Not sure how you feel about that but at least you'd have the picture with you, if it's an important part that you wanted to include.

photokitty

I'm very sorry for you loss. 

 I would feel awkward and sad if I saw you light a candle bc ant candle other than a unity candle to me says memorial unless you are Catholic and go light a candle to Mary during the Ava Maria.

I would think it was sweet and enjoy seeing photos wedding photos of your parents and grandparents on a table at the reception. Perhaps that is good compromise in addition to the other suggestions. GL!

Butterflyz419

Thanks for the kind words Planning that aspect of things and the other smaller things has really helped me make peace with my dad not being there as much as it possible.

I guess one of the big things that I don't agree with is a suggestion that even a short moment of sadness should be avoided and I don't think that's reasonable. Like I get why the open seat thing can cross the line, because the reminder is prominent and ongoing, as it is in a spot that people will be looking at frequently and emphasizes absence. But the candle lighting on the way down the aisle? Just a brief moment that acknowledges what most people are thinking anyway--oh how sad that her dad isn't here for this moment--and then we move on to the ceremony where all the focus returns to the bride and groom? I think that one is okay. Especially because in the Christian faith, the candle is not representative of loss, but of life. So I don't think this option is overly maudlin as long as you think you can go through it, @DaniBites, without a complete breakdown, which given how emotionally charged weddings are just on their own and how recent your loss is (my deepest sympathy as well) may not be realistic. I'm not sure I could.

However, people carry sadness with them to weddings all the time, whether it's pain seeing another couple married and happy while you or someone else is going through a painful divorce or is a widow/er, or for someone like me, seeing a bride with her father knowing that a moment like that will never be mine. These reminders are good because they can help us re-focus on what's really important in this short life. Vows are for better and worse, for richer and for poorer, in health and sickness--in other words, pain and grief are intimately wrapped up even in the joy of marriage and I don't think we need to pretend as if they aren't.

I think as long as couples going through this are respectful of their wedding that the focus of the day is the love and union of them as a couple and are respectful of their guests and the discomfort that can be experienced with prolonged expressions/reminders of loss over gain on such a joyous day, you are free to choose a method of remembrance that means something to you and will bring you peace. Best of luck.

IrishPirate60

If there is a place in the ceremony for prayers, you can include your father in that, along with all the other loved ones in both families who loved us and taught us to love. (These are Prayers of the Faithful in the Catholic tradition.)

twitterbird

Not sure how long ago your dad passed...its been 20 years now for me. My fiancé got me a small frame that attaches to your bouquet so I can have his photo tucked in there. I also am in the process of getting his wedding ring resized and will be wearing it on my right middle finger...probably from now on. He will be prayed for at the ceremony and I did a list of loved ones we wish were here on the back of the ceremony program. I plan on mom and I stopping at the graveyard on the way to the church and I'm leaving a rose on his grave. His presence will be felt but I'm not planning on a candle or large memorial or family photo table.

XrebeccaX

I'm sorry for your loss. It sounds like you will have a lot of special ways to remember your dad on your wedding day.

It can be difficult to know how to handle this type of situation, because it looms large for you but perhaps to lesser, or just different, extents for other people who will be present.

We wanted to remember my husband's mom on our day and I simply ordered a small flower arrangement with a candle that we placed on the guest book table. We noted in the program the flowers were lovingly placed in her memory. After the wedding, we asked my husband's aunt if she would like the arrangement and she did take it, and later told us she will light the candle each year to remember her sister.

Have a lovely day whatever you do!

DaniBites

Thanks a bunch everyone

I think I'll light the candle privately before the ceremony and wrap a necklace around my bouquet.  I'm not sure I can handle lighting the candle on my way down the aisle anyway

cowgirl8238

DaniBites said:

Thanks a bunch everyone

I think I'll light the candle privately before the ceremony and wrap a necklace around my bouquet.  I'm not sure I can handle lighting the candle on my way down the aisle anyway

Thank you for listening to everyones advice.  I think this sounds like a lovely plan.  I'm sorry for your loss.