Help! I was her BM, but I don't want her to be mine...

shannoli135

Hi all! 

So I was very recently a BM in one of my college friend's weddings. I absolutely still consider us friends, but we don't speak that often and live in different parts of the state. Also, if she would've only had 3 bridesmaids instead of 4, I know I would've been the one not included (which is fine, I'm not the type that would get upset). 

Anyway, I'm trying to decide bridesmaids for my own wedding in 2016 (just engaged last month). I know all the websites and advice boards etc. say you don't have to include someone just because they included you, but no where tells you how to approach it, and that doesn't change the fact that it's an awkward moment and I definitely feel bad about it. I want to include two of my college friends that I have stayed closer with and three other friends from my work/adult life, but I'm very worried her feelings will be extremely hurt. 

I guess I'm asking for advice on what to say if she asks why, or how to approach the situation. I'm pretty set that I'm not going to include her in the WP, but I don't know how to go about it. Anyone else been here, and what did you do? 

southernbelle0915

shannoli135 said:

Hi all! 

So I was very recently a BM in one of my college friend's weddings. I absolutely still consider us friends, but we don't speak that often and live in different parts of the state. Also, if she would've only had 3 bridesmaids instead of 4, I know I would've been the one not included (which is fine, I'm not the type that would get upset). 

Anyway, I'm trying to decide bridesmaids for my own wedding in 2016 (just engaged last month). I know all the websites and advice boards etc. say you don't have to include someone just because they included you, but no where tells you how to approach it, and that doesn't change the fact that it's an awkward moment and I definitely feel bad about it. I want to include two of my college friends that I have stayed closer with and three other friends from my work/adult life, but I'm very worried her feelings will be extremely hurt. 

I guess I'm asking for advice on what to say if she asks why, or how to approach the situation. I'm pretty set that I'm not going to include her in the WP, but I don't know how to go about it. Anyone else been here, and what did you do? 

I wouldn't ask anyone until about 10 months before the wedding. Brides come here all the time when they ask too far out saying "I never thought our relationship would change but it did and now I don't want her in my wedding" and I'm sure you know you can't really kick someone out without really burning bridges.

Weddings aren't tit for tat. You are under zero obligation to ask her to be in yours. And likewise, the girls you end up asking do not need to invite you to stand up in theirs. It just doesn't work like that.

Stop worrying. You have at least a year before any decisions need to be made

flantastic

A) Yeah, wait until the appropriate time to ask the bridal party, and perhaps by then, due to the nature of your current relationship, no explanation will be needed.

Unless your bridal parties would have consisted of the exact same group of friends, it shouldn't be that surprising or hurtful to her not to be a BM. Weddings are different. Two of my BMs are my FSILs (FI's brothers' wives). They got married two months apart. One of them had 7 BMs and included the other, the second had 4 BMs and didn't include the other. Neither of them were offended or expected anything. Unless she's obviously the only one "left out" from a group of mutual friends, she shouldn't expect anything, and you don't need to bring it up to her. 

MyNameIsNot

What do you mean approach it?  Obviously, you don't call her and tell her she isn't a BM.  That would be terribly hurtful and unnecessary.  She'll figure it out when you don't ask.

You shouldn't ask anyone for a while.  When the time comes, you ask the people you want to ask.  If she is rude enough to bring it up, you say, "Sarah and Sally are my bridesmaids. We hope you plan to come!"

STARMOON44

2016? Wait a year to ask anyone and it won't be awkward.

CMGragain

!.  It is too soon for you to decide who will be in your wedding party.  About 10 months from your wedding is a good time frame.

2.  You have no obligation to include her in your wedding party.

3.  If she (or anyone else) asks you about being in your wedding party, you simply say "Oh, I'm still working on plans for the wedding."

CAGirl

I am in the same situation. I have a 2016 wedding, I have talked to my sisters, my sister in law, and my best friend about being brides maids, because they are the obvs and I can't see that decision ever changing (and if it does, well then I'm in for it). There is a friend who had me as one, and I'm going back and forth about having her because we really aren't that close and I just don't know if I want that many people in my bridal party. So I'm not even broaching the subject and when ever anyone else asks me about who is going to be a brides maid I just say I'm still not sure. 

thisismynickname2

Everyone else gave perfect advice.  I was on the fence about inviting a good friend to be a BM, and I'd been one of hers a few years ago.   I didn't end up asking her, and she didn't ask me about it.  It's easy to feel inwardly awkward about this, of course. But, just don't do anything. Keep the wedding talk to a minimum.  

jenna8984

I was a BM in 2 weddings and neither of those brides were in mine. And we are still friends/ related. They didn't care, not a big deal.

badbnagdway

CMGragain and others have shared the credited response. Wait. It's to early to decide right now.  By waiting you also make it less awkward because more time will have passed between the weddings. 

You don't have to handle this at all -- just pick who you want to pick. It's unlikely she'll ask you about why you didn't pick her, unless she's quite tacky. 

knottie75e99fe4be548d97

I agree that unless she is tacky and brings the subject up, you have no reason to broach it with her.  I was in a friend's wedding in '06, but by the time I got married in '12, we weren't as close and I think she would have been more surprised to have been asked to be in than not.  Additionally, I asked two friends to be in MY wedding after I had NOT been asked to be in theirs.  Situations differ, times change, and people think about friendships in different ways.  One of my friends had MANY close college friends and didn't want to hurt feelings, so she stuck with family members and another kept the party small.  It's nice to be asked, but it *shouldn't* change the friendship if you're not.  If she's really your friend, she'll understand.