Just Engaged and Proposals

Delicate bridal party selection...

I have a friend who I have known since early childhood.  We grew up in the same neighborhood, considered ourselves "besties" etc.  I attended her destination wedding and served as her bridesmaid.  I spent money I didn't have (I was in college!) to be there for her.  She still lives in the neighborhood we grew up in wit her family, and I have lived 6 hours away for almost a decade.  There is a lot of history between us, and years of being there for her through all of here major life milestones.  The past few years have really been major ones, for me.  Found my guy, he made a 6+ hours move to start a life with me.  Started my DREAM job, lost my beloved cat, became financially independent, once and for all.  I mean, I am a big girl now.  Last year, in the thick of all of this, my friend decided to call  me and have a major melt down about how I am not there for her and how I should be because of all of the stuff she is going through.  She even was angry because the last time we had talked, all I could talk about was my new job.  My DREAM job.  The writing is on the wall for this friendship and has probably been for years.  She has NEVER been to visit me. She has never seen the place I now call home, nor has she ever met any of the friends I adore here.  I know she expects to be in the wedding.  In fact, she most likely thinks she will be the maid of honor.  I would like to leave her out altogether, but the drama which will inevitably ensue is terrifying.  I do not have any desire to make my wedding the catalyst for such negativity.  I have toyed with all sorts of tactics from just letting her know that I straight up don't think it would make sense to put her in my wedding, but" hey, you're invited!", to just having her stand up for me and acknowledge that I don't expect anything else from her, since she has never been to where I now live.  I have asked my fiancee, dearest friends and family.  I would like to see how others weigh in.  Anyone else have experience with such a weird and uncomfortable situation?  

Re: Delicate bridal party selection...

  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    I have a friend who I have known since early childhood.  We grew up in the same neighborhood, considered ourselves "besties" etc.  I attended her destination wedding and served as her bridesmaid.  I spent money I didn't have (I was in college!) to be there for her.  She still lives in the neighborhood we grew up in wit her family, and I have lived 6 hours away for almost a decade.  There is a lot of history between us, and years of being there for her through all of here major life milestones.  The past few years have really been major ones, for me.  Found my guy, he made a 6+ hours move to start a life with me.  Started my DREAM job, lost my beloved cat, became financially independent, once and for all.  I mean, I am a big girl now.  Last year, in the thick of all of this, my friend decided to call  me and have a major melt down about how I am not there for her and how I should be because of all of the stuff she is going through.  She even was angry because the last time we had talked, all I could talk about was my new job.  My DREAM job.  The writing is on the wall for this friendship and has probably been for years.  She has NEVER been to visit me. She has never seen the place I now call home, nor has she ever met any of the friends I adore here.  I know she expects to be in the wedding.  In fact, she most likely thinks she will be the maid of honor.  I would like to leave her out altogether, but the drama which will inevitably ensue is terrifying.  I do not have any desire to make my wedding the catalyst for such negativity.  I have toyed with all sorts of tactics from just letting her know that I straight up don't think it would make sense to put her in my wedding, but" hey, you're invited!", to just having her stand up for me and acknowledge that I don't expect anything else from her, since she has never been to where I now live.  I have asked my fiancee, dearest friends and family.  I would like to see how others weigh in.  Anyone else have experience with such a weird and uncomfortable situation?  

    Congrats on your engagement! Wedding stuff is not tit for tat. If you don't want to ask her to be in your bridal party, don't. Just don't say anything to her regarding it. If she asks, just politely change the subject.

    Emmylou120
  • I have a friend who I have known since early childhood.  We grew up in the same neighborhood, considered ourselves "besties" etc.  I attended her destination wedding and served as her bridesmaid.  I spent money I didn't have (I was in college!) to be there for her.  She still lives in the neighborhood we grew up in wit her family, and I have lived 6 hours away for almost a decade.  There is a lot of history between us, and years of being there for her through all of here major life milestones.  The past few years have really been major ones, for me.  Found my guy, he made a 6+ hours move to start a life with me.  Started my DREAM job, lost my beloved cat, became financially independent, once and for all.  I mean, I am a big girl now.  Last year, in the thick of all of this, my friend decided to call  me and have a major melt down about how I am not there for her and how I should be because of all of the stuff she is going through.  She even was angry because the last time we had talked, all I could talk about was my new job.  My DREAM job.  The writing is on the wall for this friendship and has probably been for years.  She has NEVER been to visit me. She has never seen the place I now call home, nor has she ever met any of the friends I adore here.  I know she expects to be in the wedding.  In fact, she most likely thinks she will be the maid of honor.  I would like to leave her out altogether, but the drama which will inevitably ensue is terrifying.  I do not have any desire to make my wedding the catalyst for such negativity.  I have toyed with all sorts of tactics from just letting her know that I straight up don't think it would make sense to put her in my wedding, but" hey, you're invited!", to just having her stand up for me and acknowledge that I don't expect anything else from her, since she has never been to where I now live.  I have asked my fiancee, dearest friends and family.  I would like to see how others weigh in.  Anyone else have experience with such a weird and uncomfortable situation?  
    That's about the extent of what you should expect from any bridesmaid.  They wear a dress within their privately discussed budget, they show up on time, preferably sober and smiling, and they stand next to you while you're married.  That's it.

    If you don't want to ask her though, and it sounds like you don't, then there is no need to make a production about not asking.  Just don't say anything at all.  She'll figure it out.




    image
    Emmylou120
  • esstee33esstee33 Pittsburgh member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited October 2014
    OK, whew. You have a lot of stuff going on here. Let's totally take the wedding out of the equation for a minute, because your issue isn't even really about the bridal party, but about your actual friendship with this girl. So, just to play devil's advocate for a minute: 

    1) 6 hours away is a pretty big trip for a lot of people. One of my closest friends and I have grown apart considerably in the past few years because she moved an hour away and she works a ton. I was working part-time retail and had a shitty beater car and couldn't make the trip up to see her more than like once a year. That's life. Adults have a lot of things going on and a 6 hour trip to see you might not be feasible for her financially or otherwise. 

    2) Adding to the above, have you considered suggesting that you guys could meet halfway for dinner or a girls' weekend sometime? If she can't make it to you, maybe splitting the difference could work. 

    3) Whether you got your DREAM job or not, you should still take an active interest in your friend's life. If all you talked about was your life and your job and all the things YOU were doing, I can see how she'd be miffed. It's awesome to be excited about big changes happening in your life, and it sounds like you've had quite a few, but I think you should honestly ask yourself if you've been there for her as much as you think you have -- if she's reacting like that, she clearly feels like you haven't been. Why? 

    4) If it weren't for your upcoming wedding, would you be having all these issues deciding what to do about your friendship? You say the writing's on the wall and has been for some time, so what were you doing about that before you got engaged? Were you just going to let this friendship die off slowly? Is there something here you want to save? 
  • Are you sure she even wants to be in the wedding? you talked about the writing being on the wall and her feeling neglected. I have a semi similar thing going on right now, my friend ( we were bff's growing up) and I didn't have a falling out or anything we just drifted apart. I won't be asking her to be in my bridal party and she hasn't asked about it. I'm just saying, maybe you are working yourself up prematurely.  
    Emmylou120
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