Daddy Issues--Pastor or Father?

elisebeth06

My dad has been my pastor almost my entire life.

He has done several weddings, and really enjoys them.

My fiance and I decided pretty early on that we wanted my dad to just be a guest at our wedding. He was so emotional when I told him Trevor proposed, that I do not know if he could make it through our ceremony without crying. I would love for him to be able to experience the wedding from that standpoint and not up front. Also, I do not think that Trevor wants to view him as pastor on that day, but as my dad.

My mom brought up that not only many people from our congregation, but also HE may assume he is doing the ceremony.

How do I bring this up without sparking the idea? 

How can I tell him my thoughts without breaking him down? I'm so scared that this was secretly a dream of his, to marry his oldest daughter, and that now I'm going to crush that dream!

HELP!

holyguacamole79

elisebeth06 said:

My dad has been my pastor almost my entire life.

He has done several weddings, and really enjoys them.

My fiance and I decided pretty early on that we wanted my dad to just be a guest at our wedding. He was so emotional when I told him Trevor proposed, that I do not know if he could make it through our ceremony without crying. I would love for him to be able to experience the wedding from that standpoint and not up front. Also, I do not think that Trevor wants to view him as pastor on that day, but as my dad.

My mom brought up that not only many people from our congregation, but also HE may assume he is doing the ceremony.

How do I bring this up without sparking the idea? 

How can I tell him my thoughts without breaking him down? I'm so scared that this was secretly a dream of his, to marry his oldest daughter, and that now I'm going to crush that dream!

HELP!

Have you & FI decided whom you will ask to officiate the wedding? I imagine if you go to your dad with a plan in place, he may not try to convince you to change your mind. Either way, this will likely be a tough conversation. I hope it goes well!

[Deleted User]

 

elisebeth06 said:

My dad has been my pastor almost my entire life.

He has done several weddings, and really enjoys them.

My fiance and I decided pretty early on that we wanted my dad to just be a guest at our wedding. He was so emotional when I told him Trevor proposed, that I do not know if he could make it through our ceremony without crying. I would love for him to be able to experience the wedding from that standpoint and not up front. Also, I do not think that Trevor wants to view him as pastor on that day, but as my dad.

My mom brought up that not only many people from our congregation, but also HE may assume he is doing the ceremony.

How do I bring this up without sparking the idea? 

How can I tell him my thoughts without breaking him down? I'm so scared that this was secretly a dream of his, to marry his oldest daughter, and that now I'm going to crush that dream!

HELP!

You have to talk to him and tell him the bolded section. Because it's not that you don't want him to marry you, but you want him to be "the dad" and not "the pastor" that day. But be open to the idea that it may be a dream of his to be able to officiate his little girls wedding and if it is, would you want to take it away from him. Maybe start out by saying, dad what would you prefer to do on our wedding day, officiate or just relax, because I want you to enjoy the day too and be able (go into bolded section) but if you want to officiate, we don't want to take that away from you either.

southernbelle0915

I side-eye the title of your post.

Anyway, this may be a hard conversation with your dad. If you're firm in your decision that you want him to attend as a guest, then hire someone and inform him of the plan. You may ask him to do a reading if you want him to have some involvement. DH's dad did a reading at our ceremony.

klk111415

My friend had a similar situation.  She decided to use a friend of her father's (who was a pastor) because she wanted her father to walk her down the aisle and give her away.  Her father had the same exact reaction that you said your dad had.  He even got teary eyed while giving a speech at the wedding.

Does your dad work with anyone or have a network of other pastors?  Maybe make him involved in the process of finding someone but stress that you want him to walk you down the aisle.  As @southernbelle0915 said, maybe have him do a reading to keep him involved.  

elisebeth06

Thanks everyone for the awesome input!

The situation is resolved and we are awaiting my dad's recommendations for other pastors to do the ceremony!

artbyallie

elisebeth06 said:

Thanks everyone for the awesome input!

The situation is resolved and we are awaiting my dad's recommendations for other pastors to do the ceremony!

Yay! Glad to hear you've worked it out.