Help! Small wedding, big reception.

Meggan0612

Hello I'm new here, but need some major help!

We have 2 children, a house & have been together for awhile but finally decided to get married! We were going to just go to the courthouse but I talked him into a small (10 person) ceremony at a local chapel.

We chose our date (12-13-14) and would prefer to have a huge backyard "I do BBQ" in June, thought we would do a 6 month celebration type thing.

How do we send out an announcement that were having a very small (parents, grandparents & our children only) ceremony, but will be having a celebration later on? How would we word it?

Also - in the past we haven't had baby showers or housewarmings or anything of that sort, so my mom and his sisters want to throw me a bridal shower. Do I have it before the wedding? Or wait closer to the BBQ celebration since nobody will be invited to the actual wedding?!

So confused, going in circles lol
Thank you!!!

ShesSoCold

Meggan0612 said:

Hello I'm new here, but need some major help! We have 2 children, a house & have been together for awhile but finally decided to get married! We were going to just go to the courthouse but I talked him into a small (10 person) ceremony at a local chapel. We chose our date (12-13-14) and would prefer to have a huge backyard "I do BBQ" in June, thought we would do a 6 month celebration type thing. How do we send out an announcement that were having a very small (parents, grandparents & our children only) ceremony, but will be having a celebration later on? How would we word it? Also - in the past we haven't had baby showers or housewarmings or anything of that sort, so my mom and his sisters want to throw me a bridal shower. Do I have it before the wedding? Or wait closer to the BBQ celebration since nobody will be invited to the actual wedding?! So confused, going in circles lol Thank you!!!

To the bolded, anyone invited to a wedding shower must be invited to the actual wedding. If ten people are coming to the wedding, your shower guest list is limited to those ten people. 

As for the rest, as long as the celebration is June isn't a wedding re-do (no ceremony, wedding dress, first dance, wedding gown) and just a great party, you're good. You can send wedding announcements after your marriage and then send invitations later - no need to reference the party so early. 

ETA: And please, for the love of god do not have a shower after you're married. That would equate to having a baby shower when the kid of is a year old. 

Maggie0829

I would prepare marriage announcements and send them out to all of your friends and family the day after your wedding ceremony.  This way they know you are now married.

As for the celebration party in June, just make up some 'Come celebrate our recent marriage' invites and send them out about 6 weeks before the party.

As for a bridal shower, only those invited to the actual wedding ceremony should be invited.  So your Mom and sister can certainly throw you a nice bridal shower but just know that only those invited to your small chapel wedding can be invited.  And you can't have a bridal shower after your wedding since you are no longer a bride at that point.

Finally, you need to host something for those attending your ceremony, whether that be cake and punch at your home or a nice lunch at a restaurant, but you need to host something.

Meggan0612

I know you were just trying to give advice, thank you for that, but no need to be rude - I'm not having a shower a year later!

Wouldn't it be similar to having a bridal shower before a destination wedding - with minimal guests going to the actual wedding?

Maggie0829

Meggan0612 said:

I know you were just trying to give advice, thank you for that, but no need to be rude - I'm not having a shower a year later! Wouldn't it be similar to having a bridal shower before a destination wedding - with minimal guests going to the actual wedding?

WTF?  How was I in anyway rude?!

I was merely saying that you can have a bridal shower but only those that are invited to the actual ceremony can be invited.  When you said "should I wait until closer to the BBQ" and your wedding date is 12-13-14 which is in like 2 months I figured you meant that you were going to wait and have your bridal shower after your wedding, which is why I said that you can't have a bridal shower after your wedding since you will no longer be a bride at that point.

novella1186

Maggie0829 said:

Meggan0612 said:

I know you were just trying to give advice, thank you for that, but no need to be rude - I'm not having a shower a year later! Wouldn't it be similar to having a bridal shower before a destination wedding - with minimal guests going to the actual wedding?

WTF?  How was I in anyway rude?!

I was merely saying that you can have a bridal shower but only those that are invited to the actual ceremony can be invited.  When you said "should I wait until closer to the BBQ" and your wedding date is 12-13-14 which is in like 2 months I figured you meant that you were going to wait and have your bridal shower after your wedding, which is why I said that you can't have a bridal shower after your wedding since you will no longer be a bride at that point.

OP, these boards have a straight-forward tone. A lot of the regulars here see the same questions over and over, so they just tell it like it is without all the fluff. I can assure you Maggie was not being rude in any way. No need to be offended! And I agree with her advice. 

Jells2dot0

Meggan0612 said:

I know you were just trying to give advice, thank you for that, but no need to be rude - I'm not having a shower a year later! Wouldn't it be similar to having a bridal shower before a destination wedding - with minimal guests going to the actual wedding?

It depends on the scenario of the destination wedding. If a couple invites 100 people to the DW, but only 10 come, those other 90 people were still invited, so they can, by etiquette standards, also be invited to the shower. 

If you have a DW and only invite 10 people, then your shower should also be limited to those 10 people. 

Bridal showers are specifically gift giving events. So, if you invite people who are not invited to the wedding, it can come across as "You're not special enough to come to the wedding, but you are special enough to buy me a new KitchenAide Mixer." If you have everything you need and just want a nice get together without gifts, your family can throw you a bridal tea or lunch. Since these are not traditional gift giving events, you can then extend an invite to those not invited to your wedding. 

lilacck28

Meggan0612 said:

I know you were just trying to give advice, thank you for that, but no need to be rude - I'm not having a shower a year later! Wouldn't it be similar to having a bridal shower before a destination wedding - with minimal guests going to the actual wedding?

Brides who have a bridal shower and then get married without inviting the same people who were at their shower to both the ceremony and reception are very rude. EXTREMELY rude. Doesn't matter if it was a tiny wedding, or destination wedding. A shower is ONLY for people who are invited to the wedding.

A few weeks ago, my future father in law was telling the family at dinner about his coworker who was inviting some friends to her daughter's bridal shower, but those friends would not get wedding invitations. He was appalled. My fiance's whole family was appalled. And they are most definitely not etiquette gurus or sticklers. FFIL even tried to convince his coworker to invite those people to the wedding because she was making such a gaffe.

amelisha

Straight talk...not intending rudeness, but I'm not going to beat around the bush either.

One of the things you give up when you choose a small wedding is a big bridal shower. That's just the way it is...it's inexcusably rude to invite anyone to the shower who was not invited to the wedding, even if you will invite them to a "celebration" six months later. They may bring gifts to that event, and I'm guessing most people will, but the shower thing...nope. You not having a housewarming or baby shower unfortunately doesn't entitle you to ask for wedding shower gifts from people who will not be attending your wedding.

I'm having a destination wedding and I wouldn't dream of expecting gifts from anyone who we did not invite. In fact, we're skipping the shower all together (as well as stag/stagettes and a rehearsal/rehearsal dinner) because our wedding will be small and I don't wish people to have to give us any more of their time or money than they already have to just by attending our wedding. 

I know it can seem sort of unfair when most people who get married do have all these events if they want them, but choosing a very small wedding means that everything else gets scaled smaller too. For us, that was a huge benefit to a small wedding, though, honestly. 

cowgirl8238

OP i will try to keep this short.

If you are choosing to have a small ceremony, then you are choosing to have a small bridal shower.  It would be vry rude to invite anyone to the shower that is not invited to the wedding (the 10 person one in your case).

Additionally, I agree that you shoudl host anyone who you invite to your intimate ceremony to some form of cake and punch, or a meal at a nice resturaunt.

The day after your wedding you can amil out announcements to all your family/friends letting them know you got married.  Don't mention the BBQ yet.

Then about 6 weeks before your BBQ celebration send out regular invitations like you would to any other party.  Remember this is a party, so you shouldn't have any of the "wedding" elements.  No ceremony, no Bridal Party, no Big Poofy Dress, no first dance or bride/father groom/mother dances.  At this point you are no longer a bride and groom...you are a husband and wife.

Unfortunately everything in life has consequences.  If you choose a small intimate ceremony then this is the consquence of that.  However, there is no reason why you can't have a very lovely (intimate) shower before your lovely ceremony, followed by a party afterwards (that I would presume you are properly hosting for your guests!).

[Deleted User]

Jells2dot0 said:

Meggan0612 said:

I know you were just trying to give advice, thank you for that, but no need to be rude - I'm not having a shower a year later! Wouldn't it be similar to having a bridal shower before a destination wedding - with minimal guests going to the actual wedding?

It depends on the scenario of the destination wedding. If a couple invites 100 people to the DW, but only 10 come, those other 90 people were still invited, so they can, by etiquette standards, also be invited to the shower. 

If you have a DW and only invite 10 people, then your shower should also be limited to those 10 people. 

Bridal showers are specifically gift giving events. So, if you invite people who are not invited to the wedding, it can come across as "You're not special enough to come to the wedding, but you are special enough to buy me a new KitchenAide Mixer." If you have everything you need and just want a nice get together without gifts, your family can throw you a bridal tea or lunch. Since these are not traditional gift giving events, you can then extend an invite to those not invited to your wedding. 

I disagree that you can invite people to a Bridal Tea without inviting them to the Wedding.  It's still wedding-related.  So you go to the Bridal Tea, everyone's talking about the wedding, how much they're looking forward to it, can't wait to see your dress, placing bets on whether you cry or on who cries first, then they're not invited to the wedding.  Just because they're not being asked to bring a gift, doesn't mean that they should be asked to celebrate something they don't get to participate in.

abbyj700

Echo what PP's are saying

-Your celebration shouldn't have elements of a wedding

-You can't invite people to the shower who are not invited to the actual wedding

-Getting married at one point and having a big get together 6 months later is fine - and can be pretty fun! 

-No one has been rude - they are just giving you the proper etiquette for the celebration you have decided on.

OliveOilsMom

PP have addressed your issue well enough.  For the wedding announcements, they go out the day of or day after your ceremony.  Here is the proper wording:

Bride & Groom were married in a private ceremony

Date
City, State

For your BBQ, the invites should read:

Bride & Groom invite you to celebrate their marriage

Date
Time
Location

Jells2dot0

adk19 said:

Jells2dot0 said:

Meggan0612 said:

I know you were just trying to give advice, thank you for that, but no need to be rude - I'm not having a shower a year later! Wouldn't it be similar to having a bridal shower before a destination wedding - with minimal guests going to the actual wedding?

It depends on the scenario of the destination wedding. If a couple invites 100 people to the DW, but only 10 come, those other 90 people were still invited, so they can, by etiquette standards, also be invited to the shower. 

If you have a DW and only invite 10 people, then your shower should also be limited to those 10 people. 

Bridal showers are specifically gift giving events. So, if you invite people who are not invited to the wedding, it can come across as "You're not special enough to come to the wedding, but you are special enough to buy me a new KitchenAide Mixer." If you have everything you need and just want a nice get together without gifts, your family can throw you a bridal tea or lunch. Since these are not traditional gift giving events, you can then extend an invite to those not invited to your wedding. 

I disagree that you can invite people to a Bridal Tea without inviting them to the Wedding.  It's still wedding-related.  So you go to the Bridal Tea, everyone's talking about the wedding, how much they're looking forward to it, can't wait to see your dress, placing bets on whether you cry or on who cries first, then they're not invited to the wedding.  Just because they're not being asked to bring a gift, doesn't mean that they should be asked to celebrate something they don't get to participate 

SIB

Yeah, I agree. I had not had my Diet Coke this morning. What I meant to say was two different things- if you don't need anything, but want a GTG, you can throw a bridal tea or luncheon for those invited to the wedding. OR, if you really want to extend it to others, you can have a GTG like a bonfire, that is a non gift giving event, and just invite people to come over, hang out, and enjoy. 

slothiegal

Meggan0612 said:

I know you were just trying to give advice, thank you for that, but no need to be rude - I'm not having a shower a year later! Wouldn't it be similar to having a bridal shower before a destination wedding - with minimal guests going to the actual wedding?

That may have been the quickest "you're rude" comeback to one of the tamest posts I've ever seen.

penguin44

If you really want the big shower, why not get married at the BBQ? Then you can invite your wedding guests to your shower. 

sophhabobopha

penguin44 said:

If you really want the big shower, why not get married at the BBQ? Then you can invite your wedding guests to your shower. 

I second this! Fi and I are having a backyard BBQ wedding. It's going to be a hoot (:

CMGragain

Wedding annoncement - sent AFTER the ceremony.

Bride's Full Name
and
Groom's Full Name
announce their marriage
Date
City, State

No other information should be included!  You should take your guests out to eat after the ceremony.  This will be your wedding reception, even if it is only pizza and beer.

You invite people to your barbecue party just like you invite them to any other party.  It is NOT a part of your wedding.  Your wedding reception takes place on your wedding day.  You don't get another one.  You can throw a great party for friends and family as many times as you wish.

MollyandD

My best friend was invited to a shower recently, but not to the destination wedding. The shower invite even said something about how this was a chance to celebrate with the bride since the wedding itself will be very small.

My best friend and I talked about how incredible rude this was. She still was considering going, she likes to make people happy that way, but I'm begging her not to go take a gift to someone who didn't even want her at the wedding. If my friend goes, it's because she's super sweet, NOT because she thinks it's ok to invite someone to a shower and not the wedding. 

Your friends and family won't tell you how annoyed they are about buying you a gift when you don't want them at the wedding. Most will be sweet and act like they are thrilled to be included at all. It's better to have internet strangers tell you not to do this than hurt feelings of people you care about, don't you think?

novella1186

Molly&Domenic said:

My best friend was invited to a shower recently, but not to the destination wedding. The shower invite even said something about how this was a chance to celebrate with the bride since the wedding itself will be very small.

My best friend and I talked about how incredible rude this was. She still was considering going, she likes to make people happy that way, but I'm begging her not to go take a gift to someone who didn't even want her at the wedding. If my friend goes, it's because she's super sweet, NOT because she thinks it's ok to invite someone to a shower and not the wedding. 

Your friends and family won't tell you how annoyed they are about buying you a gift when you don't want them at the wedding. Most will be sweet and act like they are thrilled to be included at all. It's better to have internet strangers tell you not to do this than hurt feelings of people you care about, don't you think?

This. OP, I hope you have not disappeared. I repeat that no one is trying to be rude to you at all. The Knotties that post on these boards genuinely care about helping and giving honest advice. Nothing more, nothing less.

indianaalum

I agree with others. No wedding invite, no shower invite. Otherwise it is rude.

I say it from experienced. I was invited to a shower once where I wasn't invited to the wedding. I thought it was terribly rude so I chose not to attend. That particular bride also invited people without spouses because of "space".  I definitely heard people complain about her rudeness, for sure. I later found out here wedding had 200 plus people, so I felt even more annoyed. Clearly, I wasn't in the top 200 people of your life, but you felt I was okay enough to give you a gift. TACKY

Listen to advice of others, It is rude. you don't want to offend people