Feeling awkward

amelisha

I'm a little worried I'm going to be the only person in the history of ever to feel this way, honestly...but here goes nothing.

I am so, so worried about my ceremony because the idea of having to stand up in front of people (even in front of the 20 people who are attending) and say vows to my fiance makes me want to run away and hide. I love him very much and I am thrilled to be married to him, but the actual wedding part? Terrifying. I am not a demonstrative person and I'm not an outgoing person and the whole concept of having to tell him words like that in public is giving me awful anxiety. 

We are having a very small Vegas wedding in part because of this (but needed to invite those twenty guests for the sake of our parents, who would be devastated if they were excluded), and I obviously won't be writing my own vows or anything, but even the short,"standard" civil ceremony is absolutely freaking me out so much. I went to a beautiful wedding of a close friend last weekend and the entire time I was sitting there thinking "oh, no, oh no, am I going to have to say that stuff? What am I going to have to say? What is the officiant going to say? Is it going to be this terrifying? Am I going to sound that cheesy?" It was totally ruined for me because I spent the whole time thinking about how uncomfortable I would be saying the same things in front of people.

Am I crazy? Is there any way I can alleviate this discomfort?

I've talked to my fiance about it a bit, and he obviously already knows that I'm not a feelings kinda person and that I'm shy in groups and hate public speaking/being the centre of attention/sentimentality of any kind. Fortunately, he understands that it's nothing to do with how I feel about him and everything to do with how I feel about the ceremony part, but I still feel awful about it.

I'm so scared that I'm going to hate the whole thing and my brain is going to go to a place where I'm mocking all the sappy stuff and feeling awkward and silly and simultaneously scared. Please, please tell me that someone else out there has felt some of this. I need reassurance. Badly.

[Deleted User]

1st.  Choose vows where all you have to do is say "I Do" or "I Will".  That's what I want for my wedding.  My sister and her husband said their vows to one another and nobody could hear the groom's words.  I think if you're this nervous, the less you have to say, the better.

2nd.  You won't be talking to the "crowd," you'll be talking to your almost husband.  You probably won't even realize that other people are in the room.  Just hold his hands, look at his face, and say whatever words you have to say.  Besides, people will think it's cute if you're all choked up, and they'll cry too.  It will be very moving.

3rd.  You're not the first person to think this.  Now, I'm a giant Attention Whore so I don't understand it, but I know other people here do.  I'm sure the others will have great advice for you.

amelisha

adk19 said:

1st.  Choose vows where all you have to do is say "I Do" or "I Will".  That's what I want for my wedding.  My sister and her husband said their vows to one another and nobody could hear the groom's words.  I think if you're this nervous, the less you have to say, the better.

2nd.  You won't be talking to the "crowd," you'll be talking to your almost husband.  You probably won't even realize that other people are in the room.  Just hold his hands, look at his face, and say whatever words you have to say.  Besides, people will think it's cute if you're all choked up, and they'll cry too.  It will be very moving.

3rd.  You're not the first person to think this.  Now, I'm a giant Attention Whore so I don't understand it, but I know other people here do.  I'm sure the others will have great advice for you.

Thank you for this...I think it's worse than just shyness/nerves though.

I don't think there's any risk of me crying - maybe laughing. It's not just fear, it's the sentimentality factor - all the mushy stuff - that brings out in me this mocking internal monologue. Like, whenever my fiance says something about how much he loves me and why,I can generally only reply "Are you having feelings again? I love you too." I love him, I just feel so silly/embarrassed/uncomfortable when people are open with their feelings. He understands me and doesn't mind, but if the ceremony makes me feel that way I'm going to feel so terrible! I have this mental image of myself standing there, smirking, and bursting into hysterical laughter (because of the aforementioned nerves/shyness/discomfort) if the officiant says something too sappy.

If something like that happens, I know my fiance will understand because he knows how hard both emotions and attention are for me and it won't be the first time I've acted like a total weirdo out of nervousness or anxiety, but our parents would definitely NOT understand. And for my own sake I would really like to be able to enjoy my ceremony, but I have this horrible premonition that I'm going to be in my head the whole time writing commentary on it.

Like I said...I am really worried that I am alone in this. And maybe that I'm crazy.

[Deleted User]

Eh, you might be a little crazy.  But I think that's ok too.  ;-)

I think you should see if you can get a copy of the wedding ceremony before you do it.  You can read through it, maybe cross out a section that just seems to sappy or corny for you.  And if you've heard it and read it a couple of times, you won't need to have a running commentary in your head.

peachy13

I understand where you're coming from. I was in a wedding a few weeks ago where the bride and groom were pretty shy as well. One thing I noticed that calmed their nerves was the rehearsal.

Can you do a rehearsal where you're getting married? If you can, try to ask all the questions about anything that might come up, even if you sound silly. I was really impressed with my friend the bride a few weeks ago who was even asking "when do we kiss? will you say something?" "when do we say i do? will you let us know?" like making sure she knew exactly what to do. She also made us all do a couple of run-throughs on how we were walking down the aisle which helped ease tension.

Another thing that might help which is totally optional is seeing your groom before the ceremony, such as taking "first look" photos with him. I'm personally doing this for my upcoming wedding for lighting purposes, but also to help relieve some nerves. Walking down the aisle towards my groom who's already just seen and kissed me sounds a lot more comforting.

amelisha

peachy13 said:

I understand where you're coming from. I was in a wedding a few weeks ago where the bride and groom were pretty shy as well. One thing I noticed that calmed their nerves was the rehearsal.

Can you do a rehearsal where you're getting married? If you can, try to ask all the questions about anything that might come up, even if you sound silly. I was really impressed with my friend the bride a few weeks ago who was even asking "when do we kiss? will you say something?" "when do we say i do? will you let us know?" like making sure she knew exactly what to do. She also made us all do a couple of run-throughs on how we were walking down the aisle which helped ease tension.

Another thing that might help which is totally optional is seeing your groom before the ceremony, such as taking "first look" photos with him. I'm personally doing this for my upcoming wedding for lighting purposes, but also to help relieve some nerves. Walking down the aisle towards my groom who's already just seen and kissed me sounds a lot more comforting.

We're doing a quickie Vegas ceremony at a little chapel that books weddings by the hour, so no rehearsal or meeting the officiant beforehand or anything, unfortunately. 

I will see my fiance before the ceremony though. We're not into tradition so we'll be hanging out beforehand like normal, getting ready together, and taking the same limo transportation along with our guests. My thinking there was also that the less out-of-the-ordinary and ceremonial I make the day, the easier it will be to stay cool and not act like a psycho.

I'm hoping it doesn't have to come down to Xanax and/or champagne, but I seriously have no idea how other people do this without freaking out. I was fine while we were just making plans and booking stuff and all that, but actually thinking about having to do this ceremony is making me into a worse mess than usual (although you may be able to tell that I'm pretty tightly wound in general, haha.)

[Deleted User]

My advise is to breath & just focus on him. I think with getting ready together that will help & you are getting married in front of people you know, not hundreds of strangers. Once you start walking on down the isle, just focus on him and trust me, everyone else will disappear. Just keep staring into FI eyes & before you know it, you'll be married & then time to celebrate!!!

ShesSoCold

I have pretty extreme anxiety and an obvious nervous studder. I don't even like when several people are listening to me. I had been awake nights for two years terrified that I'd studder during my vows. 

I didn't. I walked in that room and was just as comfortable as I am with H laying on the couch on a Sunday morning. Maybe more so. I felt an odd calmness and I even remember standing there thinking how calm and cool my whole body felt. I even joked a little. 

Obviously everyone is different and my experience may not be yours, but there's one thing you can control right now - how much you let this bother you NOW. At the wedding, there will be nothing you can do. So why worry about it? You may be nervous, you may not be. But you won't know until you get there. And when you do get there, it'll be over so quickly. I know it's easier said than done, but I think you can find something that you can control to stress over.

princessleia22

I'm also the type that has a horrible time speaking in front of people. I panic, I stutter, my voice cracks, I've had full on panic attacks in the past during school presentations. I hate being the focus of attention.  I've gotten better than I used to be, but it's still difficult, so I can relate.  We had 25 guests at my wedding. Our whole ceremony only lasted a little over 5 minutes.  We kept out anything that wasn't mandatory and wanted it to be short and sweet. No readings, no long speeches about love from the officiant, no candles or sand ceremonies... just the basics. The morning of the wedding, I was too busy getting ready to get too panicked about being in front of people. I had a moment right before I walked down the aisle, but then I locked eyes with my husband and everyone else really disappeared. I don't remember looking at any of our guests, except at my mom who was balling her eyes out.  My focus was 100% on DH and marrying him, from the second I saw him until it was over. I don't know if you have watched the Twilight movies, but at their wedding, she's totally panicked before walking down the aisle, but then she looks up at him and her whole body relaxes... it was pretty much like that for me. All my panic instantly melted away. And I've heard this from other brides too, so it's pretty common and hopefully it works that way for you.

We did read vows to each other, but having officiant read them and just saying I do is an option.  Or if you want to actually say vows, repeating after officiant is easier than having to memorize or read them yourself. But, just get in there, look only at your groom, say I do, and get out.  Nobody else matters in that moment... and most of them just want to get through the ceremony quick and party anyway.

kvruns

I feel your pain I am similar too and worry I will have inappropriate reactions or not look/seem like I'm excited to be getting married because im just not that way. Can't do much to change it but talking and knowing what it will be like could help. I also sweat a lot when nervous soi really worry about that with my dress!

libra44423

You could always elope or have civil ceremony, and then a party to celebrate afterwards. Just a casual/semi-casual get-together, good food and music with your near and dear.

artbyallie

Closing the zombie thread.