Wedding Etiquette Forum

Gifts and money

I'd like some advice on how to deal with this… I think I made a mistake by giving in to my aunt's pressing.

My fiancé and I decided not to have a registry. We're in our late twenties/early thirties and have been living together for six years so we really don't need anything. A few weeks ago, my aunt and I were talking on the phone. I'm very close to her. She asked me what we wanted as a wedding gift. I told her that we are so happy that they'll be coming to the wedding and their presence is the only gift we need. She was very insistent and asked me the same question a few times; I gave the same answer. Finally, she asked if we're registered anywhere and I said no. Then she said, "so you'd prefer to receive money". I repeated that we really don't expect a gift and told her that if she wanted to offer us something, we would be very touched by the gesture. This conversation lasted about fifteen minutes, and she kept coming back to the gift question. Finally, I just answered that if guests would like to offer some something, we would greatly appreciate money because we have a "house fund". She's a very practical and financially responsible person so she liked my answer. We then talked for another half hour and I thought that was the end of it.

Well… She proceeded to tell all my grandparents, aunts, and uncles that we want cash! I talked with my grandma, and she said "so, aunt so and so told me that you guys want cash instead of a present". I insisted that good thoughts and/or presence is the only gift we would like from them (my grandparents may not be able to attend because of my grandpa's health), etc… 

If another family member brings this up, should I say that I did not tell my aunt to "spread the word" and that their thoughts or presence is the only gift we would like? Should I call my other two uncles to say that we greatly appreciate their presence at the wedding and don't expect anything at all? 








Re: Gifts and money

  • I don't know that it's necessary to call anyone, but you can just reiterate what you truly said if asked. I don't think any real harm was done. It's not like she's sent out a cash registry for you. However, in the future, learn the art of bean dip.
  • I'd like some advice on how to deal with this… I think I made a mistake by giving in to my aunt's pressing.

    My fiancé and I decided not to have a registry. We're in our late twenties/early thirties and have been living together for six years so we really don't need anything. A few weeks ago, my aunt and I were talking on the phone. I'm very close to her. She asked me what we wanted as a wedding gift. I told her that we are so happy that they'll be coming to the wedding and their presence is the only gift we need. She was very insistent and asked me the same question a few times; I gave the same answer. Finally, she asked if we're registered anywhere and I said no. Then she said, "so you'd prefer to receive money". I repeated that we really don't expect a gift and told her that if she wanted to offer us something, we would be very touched by the gesture. This conversation lasted about fifteen minutes, and she kept coming back to the gift question. Finally, I just answered that if guests would like to offer some something, we would greatly appreciate money because we have a "house fund". She's a very practical and financially responsible person so she liked my answer. We then talked for another half hour and I thought that was the end of it.

    Well… She proceeded to tell all my grandparents, aunts, and uncles that we want cash! I talked with my grandma, and she said "so, aunt so and so told me that you guys want cash instead of a present". I insisted that good thoughts and/or presence is the only gift we would like from them (my grandparents may not be able to attend because of my grandpa's health), etc… 

    If another family member brings this up, should I say that I did not tell my aunt to "spread the word" and that their thoughts or presence is the only gift we would like? Should I call my other two uncles to say that we greatly appreciate their presence at the wedding and don't expect anything at all? 








    I really don't think you were wrong in this situation. It's perfectly acceptable to say "Oh, we're not registered. We're saving up for X." I just hope she's not telling people "No gifts, only cash!!" but unfortunately it kinda sounds like she is. I would just stick with what you've been saying, that you don't expect any gifts and would just like their presence. 
  • You didn't do anything wrong, don't worry about it. 
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  • I don't think you were wrong.  She pressed you and you told the truth.  It's not like you're running around saying you only want cash, no physical gifts, or have a cash registry.  Don't worry too much about it.
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

  • edited October 2014
    It would be strange to call my uncles and tell them that I've asked for cash instead of gifts, right? I hope they know me well enough to recognize that I wouldn't do that! :)
  • Perhaps she phrased it as, "They're saving for a house, so they'd prefer cash," and was simply trying to spread the word instead of something like, "They only want cash." Let's hope. :)

    I have relatives like this. Most of my other relatives know to take things with a grain of salt. Anyone who knows you will know you'd never say something like, "We only want money, nothing else."
  • I don't think you did anything wrong - as PPs said, just reiterate the message you're already giving about hoping they can come and that you don't need any gifts. Calling up other members of your family to tell them to ignore what Aunt said because she misinterpreted would just be weird. Their your family members - hopefully they know you well enough to know you wouldn't say "give us money!!"
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  • Yeah it's nothing wrong. It's not like you have a honeyfund or a dollar dance! Most of the time, the cash thing should be by word of mouth anyway, if there is a way to do it. Hopefully your aunt is not making it sound like you guys are money hungry. But if your guests know you and your FI well enough, y'all should be in the clear! Relax :)
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  • Yeah it's nothing wrong. It's not like you have a honeyfund or a dollar dance! Most of the time, the cash thing should be by word of mouth anyway, if there is a way to do it. Hopefully your aunt is not making it sound like you guys are money hungry. But if your guests know you and your FI well enough, y'all should be in the clear! Relax :)
    Ditto this. Isn't what happened to you basically the goal of not registering? People either figure it out, or someone who is not you or your fiance kind of spreads the word (in a not Jerkface way).
  • Agree with the other PPs.  You did nothing wrong in this situation and, I wouldn't bring it up to other people unless they specifically ask like your grandparents did.

    Also, although I totally understand where you are coming from and felt the same way, I think we sometimes forget that many people enjoy giving presents.

    For example, my DH did not want to register for anything because he did not want anyone to give us gifts.  But I knew most of the guest list would give us gifts anyway, so we did a registry.  I thought of it as a courtesy to our guests who would prefer to give a boxed gift.

    I wish it was etiquette approved to tell people, "Please no gifts.  No REALLY, REALLY.  No gifts.  We just want you to enjoy our day with us." Lol.

    But then, I also know I am the same way.  If I am going to someone's wedding, I WANT to give them a gift and it makes me feel good to do that.  I feel like it is my little way to send them off positively for this new chapter in their lives...no matter their previous circumstances/history/age/household.   

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