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Help! I cried (in a bad way) during my wedding weekend

katiemiss517katiemiss517 member
5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
in Wedding Woes
Hey All,
I'm not really big on asking for help/advice on message boards, but I'm struggling here and I don't think my friends want to hear it.

I got married on Friday (yay!) and the ceremony was lovely and it was a beautiful day and the vows were personal and I loved it.  

...but before and after the actual wedding was a challenge, to say the least.

Here's the key points to keep in mind:
- My brother and my (now) husband were once friends, that's how we met
- I had a serious falling out with my brother when I first starting dating my husband, both related to and independent of the fact that we were together.
- Because of the things that happened during and after our falling out, my husband HATES my brother's guts (and my brother's wife).
- I'm a softie at heart and I have had a pit in my stomach for years because I miss my brother.  My heart is broken over it, despite the fact that he's not really nice to me.  
- My brother's wife experienced an early-term miscarriage almost 2 weeks before my wedding.  She was 8 weeks along.  Terrible terrible terrible, I wouldn't wish that upon anyone.  She didn't leave the house for days.  My mom doted on her and my brother and cooked every meal for them for almost a week. 

So now that you have that, here's the bullet points of what went down:
- My brother and his wife didn't show to the rehearsal dinner despite giving me their RSVP that they'd attend - no call, text, carrier pigeon. (their dinners were paid for my my now in-laws, and they're not thrilled about the loss of money - but FURIOUS about the blatant lack of respect for me)
- My father accidentally mentioned that my SIL might not show to my wedding - he thought I knew, because my brother said he'd call.  I nearly went off the rails.
- My SIL sent me a text later on that night congratulating me as if I knew about her bailing all along.
- After the dinner, I went back to my hotel with my bff and another bridesmaid and sobbed over the entire situation for hours.  I'm not a crier.

- The next day, I let my father know to tell my brother that he would not be escorting anyone down the aisle as a special family member, and that he is lucky that my then-fiance's family didn't have him barred from the day altogether.  They are VERY protective of me.
- In addition to the stress I was already dealing with, my mother insisted on adding to it by bothering me with unnecessary questions, most notably about the logistics of the shuttle that she had agreed to take care of in the first place.  
- Aforementioned shuttles were late.  Limos went some cockeyed way, getting us stuck in traffic and causing us to miss important pictures before sunset.
- My mother tried sneaking my brother into the processional before my bff had to get involved and get him to go sit with the other guests.
- My aunt wore white.
- My uncle wore jeans (more embarrassment for my in-laws, who are very put-together).
- A song that I had requested that the DJ play MONTHS ago for my brother when we were patching things up - a funny song that is a bit of an inside joke - was played and the DJ mentioned him.  I had forgotten to remove the song.  100% my fault.  My husband got angry/upset/protective and demanded the DJ turn it off - i walked out of the reception area.
- CUE THE NOSEY GUESTS.  All well-intentioned, guests interfered and caused me to retreat further emotionally and caused my hubby to become even more protective since people were literally grabbing him to get him to calm down - worst thing to do to an angry person is to say CALM DOWN!! (one of the noseys was the aunt in white) Ugh.

- End of the night, we went back to the hotel and argued and I cried before we were able to pull ourselves together enough to see our friends.  Being around them helped A LOT.  I ignored my mom until she went to bed and she said goodnight because I was just too hurt/angry/ashamed...

That was the last time I've spoken to my mom or step-dad.  

Friday was the end of any possible relationship I might have with my brother and my heart aches, even though he really is a bad guy to me.  I'm pretty sure I'm done talking to my mom, at least for a long while.  She didn't even give me a card for my wedding (I don't care about a gift).  

I don't know where to go next.  I have a wonderful family that I just married into that loves and supports me unconditionally - and they don't make me feel like I'm being crazy or bratty for wanting just one day to be without tension.  I lost that chance thanks to my mother and brother, who is the Prince in my family, if you hadn't guessed.  

Any encouragement, advice or support would be SO APPRECIATED and very much NEEDED.

xoxo


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Re: Help! I cried (in a bad way) during my wedding weekend

  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    Your SIL just had a miscarriage.  I can see why 1.  she's want to sit out and 2. your wedding got a little pushed to the side in terms of planning stuff like the shuttles and getting a message that they wouldn't be attending by your parents and brother coming together to take care of each other in a time of mourning.  It's not fantastic and it does suck; all you can control is your reaction and you've chosen anger and jealousy rather than understanding.

    The way you talk about your family vs. your DH's family is pretty telling.  I think you have a lot of  issues (whether deserved or not) that you haven't taken care of re: your family and you're letting DH's family buffer you.  That's your family, YOU take care of it.  Even if it's, "I don't ever want to speak to any of you again".


    You need to get some therapy to start examining your issues with your family.  There's nothing there that seems all that bad.  Having said that, just b/c I can't see microaggressions for what they are in a situation, doesn't mean they aren't.  But you will never change them, only how you deal with it.  Work on remembering the good things about your day and enjoying the new family you're creating.
    �
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  • katiemiss517katiemiss517 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    edited October 2014
    Thanks guys - here's a bit of clarification after I just reread my post and your subsequent questions....

    - The wearing white/jeans really isn't something that kills me, it just was inappropriate and i thought I'd throw it in there because it just felt like icing on the cake.

    - She had a miscarriage and that's awful, please don't think i'm trying to be insensitive.  It didn't stop my brother's phone from working.  I even spoke to him a few days prior and all systems were a go for both events. They ABSOLUTELY, unconditionally would have had a "pass" - but the reason i'm upset was the lack of respect from my brother for not being an adult and telling me.  (Mind you, I had two guests who had recent miscarriages - one two days before the wedding.  I know everyone grieves differently, but my bro still picked up the phone to call other people.)

    - My ILs weren't worried about the $$, I was on their behalf - I feel guilty that they had to spend that kind of money for someone without the consideration to text me.

    - The guests weren't physically restraining my H - they pushed him and held his shoulders as they stood in front of him, scolding him as he tried to make his way to find me to make sure I was okay.  

    Believe me, I know that glitches happen.  My sad feelings come from the disrespect of my own family toward me.


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  • *Barbie**Barbie* member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    VarunaTT said:
    Here's the thing re: your brother not telling you that jumped out at me:

    Both of you use your parents to communicate BS to each other. (you had your father tell him he wouldn't be in the processional)  I suspect your parents started this habit in the two of you and perhaps do it to you and each other.  Either way, both of you need to stop putting other people in the middle of it.I mean, if you're so upset about how your brother is treating you, pick up the phone and attempt to have a discussion that is just the two of you.  Stop bringing in his wife, your DH, your parents, your ILs, etc.



    DAMN>>> SITB>>> 
    I agree with Varuna that you need to speak directly with your brother and let him know why you're mad at him. stop using an intermediary. 

    not to mention all of the passive aggressive shit - you can play a song when you're on "better terms" but since you were upset with your brother over the RD, you "should have" pulled the song? and hearing the song while upset with your brother made you have some sort of emotional breakdown - enough that your H caused a scene to "protect" you? 

    Your brother not giving you a heads up about the RD was douchey - but the overreaction on the part of you/your H/ILs was completely unwarranted. 
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    PMeg819 said:
    Honestly, you sound like you are really attracted to drama. Stop looking for the drama in every situation, let it roll, and life will be way easier.
    Yes.  Drama Llama in full effect. 
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  • katiemiss517katiemiss517 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    Thanks for the brutally objective feedback, guys - it's nice to see the situation from the outside - though it stings to hear it put so bluntly.

    You're right in a lot of ways, this is a situation that definitely did not need to be as dramatic as it ended up being.  What's almost funny is that I'm known for being the laid back one in my circles, with my priorities in the right place.  

    I guess weddings do make people crazy.  

    So how do I shake off the drama llama?  Have any of you felt yourself in a more fragile or emotional state of mind than usual?  What did you do to get back to normal?  Does it just pass with time after the wedding is over?   

    VarunaTT, I think I do eventually need to have a conversation myself with my family members and let them know my feelings and create some boundaries - and that boundary may be to tell them that I don't want to speak to some of them for at least awhile.



     


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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    I think this'll just pass.  Like I said earlier, you can concentrate on other things.  One of the best things my therapist already told me is that it didn't really matter what the story really IS, what do you need the story to be to heal from it (granted, this is only relevant to specific situations)?  

    So, concentrate on remembering the good things and the new family you're creating.  If someone brings up the DJ again, remember the awesome playlist that followed or how much fun you had dancing later.  Eventually, you'll start to believe it yourself.

    I think there's too much pressure put on weddings anymore.  Everyone thinks it's going to be a UN peace summit or the absolute bestest party ever.  Just let it be the day you married the person you picked to spend your life with and take it from there.
    �
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  • PMeg819PMeg819 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    I would just take a step back and reassess. Obviously your brother and parents can be a source of stress. Maybe it's time to see a therapist and talk about that. Work on creating a plan that will address your feelings and make sure you have healthy relationships.

    Throw yourself into the things you love and enjoy. You just got married- spend time with your new husband. Make new memories with him; go hiking, see a play, whatever. Hang out with friends. Try a new hobby. Prioritize yourself and your relationships that are healthy first.
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  • *Barbie**Barbie* member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    keep lines of communication open, talk to a therapist, and find some outlets for stress/frustration. 

    spend time with your new husband and focus on continuing to build that relationship and deal with any changes that may come from getting married ( living together if you didn't before, merging finances, etc.). Plan a trip, see a show, start a workout program together, plan some date nights, etc. 

    appreciate the willingness to accept the feedback - I think you just really need to distance yourself from the situation, and try to minimize your overall stress level. when you feel up to talking to family in the future, deal directly with the person with whom you are angry, and just let them know what's on your mind - keep others out of it. 
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  • *Barbie**Barbie* member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    also, remember that you can't control other peoples' actions - just your reaction. if you're emotional, take time and think about the impacts of your response then act accordingly. 
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  • themosthappy91themosthappy91 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited October 2014
    Kudos to OP for being so gracious in your acceptance of the perspectives offered here, and I think you've got some good advice going forward.

    At the risk of piling on, I just want to chime in and say that in my book, honestly you brother and SIL get a BIG pass due to the situation with the miscarriage.  Obviously I don't know what exactly happened between you, your brother, and your DH initially that soured your relationship, but going forward I would leave any complaint you have about their behavior surrounding the wedding out of it because they just suffered a huge loss.  I get that it's annoying that they assured you they would be there for the RD and the wedding, but it's completely understandable that they might have really wanted to try to attend and just found they weren't ready to face such a big, celebratory event when literally two weeks ago they lost their pregnancy.  Honestly I'm impressed that they were even in touch with you enough to communicate anything about if they would or would not be there... honestly if that happened to me I think I would need at least a month to drop off the face of the earth.  Is it good manners?  No... but this is a monumental loss.  It seems CRAZY to me that your ILs would not be understanding of that... and I wasn't sure if I was reading this right, did you literally kick him out of walking down the aisle because he missed the rehearsal dinner to be with his grieving wife who literally lost their child 14 days ago!?  Or was he never supposed to be in the procession to begin with?  Just reading this I couldn't help but think, your poor brother and SIL need someone to be as protective of them as your IL's seem to (irrationally, in my opinion) be towards you.  

    Again, good on you for responding to this so level-headedly... I just really felt like I needed to reiterate the magnitude of the inappropriateness of holding some of this stuff against someone who just suffered this big a loss.  And since I don't know much else about what happened in your relationship prior to this, that's really the strong reaction I got.  Good luck!

    ETA: If you do want to have a relationship going forward with your brother, I think you need to reach out to him and your SIL and let them know you're sorry if you ever came across as treating your wedding as being more important than their grief.  Even if you don't think you did that, I can see how to them it might feel like you have just been freaking out about your wedding when they are coping with a huge loss.  
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  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper

    As many have eluded to - what you do going forward is change YOUR reaction to the whole situation, and the beauty of that is you're fully in charge of your reaction, unfortunately you don't get to control others reactions, only your own.  There are many different types of therapists/counselors out there - I'd suggest someone trained in NLP because of it's efficiency and that it's not hooked in with a psychologist in many cases so there isn't that stigma.  Read the book "Take Back Your Wedding: Managing the People Stress of Wedding Planning" - Elizabeth was a local Knottie (we had a huge tight-knit local group "back in the day").  Granted, your wedding has already taken place, but the advice they give is geared more towards the long-haul because the issues sound like there's enough back history for you to write a novel about and for your sake addressing those issues with some type of counselor only stands to help you develop better future strategies for if you choose to have kids their relationships.  But also your relationship with your family. 

    Especially since there are enough fingers to point all around for who made the worst boneheaded move and when, addressing some of these elephants in the room with family really is something  you need to do either with a counselor or with family, but I'd suggest the counselor route first because they can help you answer some of the right questions and seeing the situation from multiple perspectives.  You're all adults now and can communicate on an adult level.  Make the choice that is proper, I'd never want to alienate or be alienated from any of my siblings or their spouses which is why sometimes getting healthy arguments out into the open is good for all of you (think Jefferson & Adams - the years of communications to explain themselves not necessarily to become best of friends)...

    As for the cost of the meals, my thought is they overspent more than they should have on the RD if two cancellations is causing that much angst.  That isn't on you, it's also not on your brother/SIL even though it's beyond tacky they didn't pick up the phone (what if he was trying to avoid personality conflict drama so you could enjoy your wedding more and thought you thinking he was just a jerk and not wanting to pull attention away because of the mc was a more "appealing" approach to him?  In other words, what if he was trying to actually protect you but came off as a jerk all the same?)  Not defending him - just thinking of things from a different potential angle.  There are truly some things in this world that are hard to put into words, and times when the last thing you want to do is be around people shoving raw emotions in your face (i.e. the mc and mentioning good intentioned "sorry for your loss" - but just wanting to focus attention elsewhere for even a short time).  The tit for tat was you not letting him be in the WP because they didn't come to the RD. 

    IMO it'll be a very healthy thing for you to come to a positive resolution in terms of your future reactions.  As for your wedding itself, focus only on those positive things that happened in the days/weeks surrounding your big day.  This history has happened, making the conscious choice to focus on the positive is one of the most important things you can do moving forward!!!

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  • weddingcactusweddingcactus member
    First Anniversary Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Answer
    scribe95 said:
    I like your attitude now. Moving forward. Sometimes a few strenuous workouts help get my aggression out so I can move on...

    Working out to cope with stress is an excellent suggestion. I experienced some family drama with a recent family wedding (not mine). We had a pre-wedding activity where a family member was acting in a manner that caused a great deal of frustration and embarrassment for me. Instead of adding to the drama, I just finished up with this group activity and went for a very strenuous workout before the rehearsal dinner. I felt 100% better and capable of coping with this individual. It really helped me move on and be able to enjoy the wedding and pre-wedding activities.
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  • cinnamonsaucecinnamonsauce member
    First Anniversary First Comment Name Dropper

    I don't think the OP is being overly dramatic--it would seem like dramatic behavior out of context, but she explained the bad blood between her and her brother prior to the wedding, so it makes perfect sense that she would interpret her brother's actions as vindictive or insensitive. I, for one, think it seems ridiculous that he can't just be there for his sister's wedding--a no-show from a friend is one thing, but from a sibling with no warning at all is inexcusable. I don't get how people can say "it's not that big of a deal" when it's rude, plain and simple. A simple phone call and honest explanation would have sufficed.

    There were a couple petty details that she was worried about, and yes her husband overreacted,  but long story short, weddings are very stressful for the couple and I think her guests--who presumably love and care about her--could and should have behaved with a little more kindness and discretion to just make the day go more smoothly for her.

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  • cinnamonsaucecinnamonsauce member
    First Anniversary First Comment Name Dropper
    *rehearsal dinner, not wedding, oops.
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  • themosthappy91themosthappy91 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    6fsn said:
    cinnamonsauce said:

    I don't think the OP is being overly dramatic--it would seem like dramatic behavior out of context, but she explained the bad blood between her and her brother prior to the wedding, so it makes perfect sense that she would interpret her brother's actions as vindictive or insensitive. I, for one, think it seems ridiculous that he can't just be there for his sister's wedding--a no-show from a friend is one thing, but from a sibling with no warning at all is inexcusable. I don't get how people can say "it's not that big of a deal" when it's rude, plain and simple. A simple phone call and honest explanation would have sufficed.

    There were a couple petty details that she was worried about, and yes her husband overreacted,  but long story short, weddings are very stressful for the couple and I think her guests--who presumably love and care about her--could and should have behaved with a little more kindness and discretion to just make the day go more smoothly for her.

    He "can't just be there" for his sister because he's being there for his wife. 

    QFT.  You know what else is "very stressful" for a couple?  Having a miscarriage.  Was it rude for him not to call and tell her he couldn't make the RD himself?  Of course.  But is it highly understandable in light of the horribly tragedy he's recently gone through?  Personally, I think so.
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  • cinnamonsaucecinnamonsauce member
    First Anniversary First Comment Name Dropper

    You can "be there" for your wife while still having the two extra seconds to shoot a quick text about not being able to attend, especially when it's your sister. And from what she's mentioned, he was treating her poorly before any of that happened. But aside from all that, yes it's understandable that he acted the way he did and very forgivable, no doubt, but she shouldn't be called a "drama llama" and be made to feel bad for her feelings to be hurt, and that's what I wanted to convey most of all.

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  • cinnamonsaucecinnamonsauce member
    First Anniversary First Comment Name Dropper

    "She had a miscarriage and that's awful, please don't think i'm trying to be insensitive.  It didn't stop my brother's phone from working.  I even spoke to him a few days prior and all systems were a go for both events. They ABSOLUTELY, unconditionally would have had a "pass" - but the reason i'm upset was the lack of respect from my brother for not being an adult and telling me.  (Mind you, I had two guests who had recent miscarriages - one two days before the wedding.   I know everyone grieves differently, but my bro still picked up the phone to call other people.)"

    Exactly. OP, you are not a drama queen.


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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    And to be clear here, I am not annoyed with OP here.  This is directly firmly at cinnamonsauce.
    �
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  • themosthappy91themosthappy91 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    And the thing is, her brother did call her parents.  This is an extremely raw time for him and if he doesn't have a close relationship with his sister (which obviously he doesn't) he probably felt a lot more comfortable talking to them than he did to her.  I mean, yeah he could have called her himself, but it's not like he left everyone completely in the dark and I don't think it's unreasonable to communicate through your parents and expect the message get to the necessary parties when it comes to a really emotional and difficult subject such as this.  
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  • cinnamonsaucecinnamonsauce member
    First Anniversary First Comment Name Dropper
    VarunaTT said:
    And to be clear here, I am not annoyed with OP here.  This is directly firmly at cinnamonsauce.

    Interesting...I don't recall being involved in any of the aforementioned dealings in this wedding! Ha!

    This thread seems to be more about judgment and less about support. I'm not sorry for trying to understand her hurt feelings. It's cool, though. You'd feel differently about me if you got to know me, but this is just some anonymous forum where people get to feel better about themselves ;)

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  • cinnamonsaucecinnamonsauce member
    First Anniversary First Comment Name Dropper
    VarunaTT said:
    Because people don't have to be rationale, reasonable, or functional when they're grieving any loss of someone in their life.  And it sounds like he picked up the phone to call his parents.  My parents are my second call after my husband when I experience any tragedy.

    Seriously, is compassion so effin' hard?  

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  • thejucheideathejucheidea member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    I'm really confused by this white knight coming in after the OP gracefully accepted everything that was said to her.

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