NWR: another gift returning question

littlestmonkey

So this isn't about a wedding gift.

Two years ago we fell out with DH best friend and his wife in a very bad way. Without going into too much detail, DH's friend got very nasty and although we have a various times over the last couple of years reached out and tried to heal the breech, nothing except complete capitulation to his point of view (which we are very much not on board with) is going to fix this so we've backed off and DH is now coming to terms with the end of the friendship.

But the thread earlier made me think about an issue that has been on my mind through this. When we have attempted to re-build the friendship, DH has said to his friend that he needs to apologize to me for his treatment of me over the last couple of years and the response has been 'there's no problem between me and littlestmonkey - she has my great-grandmothers crystal' - which I do.

Prior to the falling out, best friend and I had gotten on very well and he gave me this family heirloom as a 'welcome to the family' present - they were so close growing up they were like brothers.

DH doesn't want me to return it as it would be a very final act of ending the friendships and he would like to keep the door open to rebuilding in the future but I feel as though this present which was originally given in an act of generosity is now being used against me and if it comes up in that way again, I would like to return it.

Thoughts?

lilacck28

I don't know exactly how I feel about this since returning gifts is usually a nono but.... the first thing that popped into my head when I read this was what usually happens with heirloom jewelery or items given to someone in a romantic relationship. If the couple breaks up, I think it is kind (and almost expected) to return heirloom/ family pieces.

RebeccaFlower

I think since he mentioned it and it's been years, you should give it back. I don't understand why you were given it in the first place. 

Maggie0829

So your husbands now ex-friend had given you a family heirloom?  What?  Why?  I know friends sometimes tend to think of themselves as family but unless you are truly family being given a family heirloom when you are just a friend is just weird.

I would return it.

littlestmonkey

RebeccaFlower said:

I think since he mentioned it and it's been years, you should give it back. I don't understand why you were given it in the first place. 

I think I should give it back as well - to be honest, I didn't really understand why I was given it at the time - everything's that happened since just makes it even stranger that I have it.

We're packing to move soon so that will be a good opportunity to have a conversation with DH again about the fact that I am uncomfortable not returning it.

lilacck28

Maggie0829 said:

So your husbands now ex-friend had given you a family heirloom?  What?  Why?  I know friends sometimes tend to think of themselves as family but unless you are truly family being given a family heirloom when you are just a friend is just weird.

I would return it.

This.

lilacck28

Also, its not really your Husband's call if the gift was given to you. Anyway, I would think it is hurting the possibility of getting their friendship back by keeping it. That's the type of thing I would imagine your H's friend seriously resents. I would definitely regret giving an heirloom away to anyone not in my family, even if we were best friends until death. ...I don't even want to give my engagement ring (diamond was my mom's) to any future sons I have! I'd rather give it to a daughter so it stays more in the family, in case of divorce. (sorry, that was off topic)

climbingsingle

I wouldn't feel right about keeping something like that. I'd definitely contact him to let him know you'd like to return it to him. 

marie2785

Is it required to be returned? Absolutely not. It's flat out rude for him to even request it back if that is what he's doing. BUT it might save you some drama just to give it back if you're not using it. Just say you're sorry they want it back since you thought it was such a nice gift, and you hope you can rebuild the friendship because you care for them. 

If it's you thinking of returning it without them asking (your post made it seem like this may be the case), it could be perceived by the former best friend as hurtful, and cause more drama. If this is the case, I don't recommend giving it back. Escalating drama is rarely a good idea.  

lilacck28--I disagree its expected, but I have offered to give back heirlooms when it was something I thought was important to the family, and the family thought me and the guy were heading towards marriage when they gave the gift. No one ever took me up on the offer though--it seems most families are smart enough not to give precious items to their son's SOs before the engagement . One mother even told me she HATED the necklace from her own mother, so she was happy I liked it because she never wanted to see it again (her son and I are now friends, so I wear it whenever I know I'll run into his mom since I know it makes her laugh ).

littlestmonkey

erinemm said:

If it's you thinking of returning it without them asking (your post made it seem like this may be the case), it could be perceived by the former best friend as hurtful, and cause more drama. If this is the case, I don't recommend giving it back. Escalating drama is rarely a good idea.  

Knowing the person in question, this is the most likely response which is the only real reason I'm hesitating. I'd really like to be rid of it and not feel bed when I see it because I do feel like I shouldn't be holding on to it but it would definitely cause more drama and be seen as an insult.

ETA: I think I'm going to talk to DH about returning it anyway. I don't want to keep it. I know technically this is my call as it is my gift but it's his oldest friend - we should make a decision on this that we've both comfortable with

lilacck28

Yeah. I'm sorry. It just seems bonkers to me that he would give away a family heirloom! Like an early red flag the dude had issues. Maybe that's unfair of me? If so, sorry again.

littlestmonkey

In retrospect, definitely a red flag! Some real crazy going on here so not unfair at all!

jacques27

Just weighing in - I think this is a "don't return it" kind of thing.  Even though someone brought up the situation of using a family heirloom as an engagement ring, I don't think that really applies because an engagement is essentially a promise of marriage.  If someone breaks the promise and they ultimately do not go forward with it, that's one thing.  But there's no promise of anything here - unless you pinky swore to be BFFs forever and exchanged friendship bracelets.

It was a gift given with the best of intentions at the time it was given and it sounds like there might have been an opportunity or two in there where he could have requested it back and didn't.  Presumably though, most people don't give away things with conditions and expecting them back.  I guess I don't see from your post how it's being used against you either - from your post it seems more like he's compartmentalizing and not projecting his feelings about your husband on to you as well.  If it bothers you to keep it, I would just pack it away out of sight.  I wouldn't sell it or give it away because he may ask for it back in the future. 

But I do think you need to consider your husband.  He clearly isn't ready to let this friendship go, and even though the friend may be compartmentalizing enough now to not be bothered by the fact that you have the crystal, I highly doubt he'll be able to compartmentalize you giving it back and will likely take that out on your husband.  Is giving back a piece of crystal that you can hide and never have to be bothered to look at worth more to you than your husband's feelings about permanently severing his friendship and the resulting drama that may occur?

lilacck28

@jacques27 I think you were referring to my post when you mentioned how this is different than an engagement ring?

 I agree. It is different than an engagement ring (there are often laws about engagement rings, as they are related to what amounts to a contractual agreement) but this situation is not all that different than any other gift given to a significant other that is a family heirloom (which is what I spoke of in my original post).

 If FI gave me a family heirloom for my birthday, or a just because gift, and we break up (ahhh!), I would DEFINITELY give it back.  He probably wouldn't be able to sue me for it the way he could for an engagement ring, but I still think it is appropriate to give the items back to him. I think it would be very spiteful not to give back, or offer to give back, heirlooms to anyone.

ETA: OP, I would talk to your husband, see what he thinks... but I can't get out of my own head space. I would want someone to offer to give back my family heirloom. Maybe for some reason I still want that person to keep it, but... I don't think the offer is rude when it comes to these types of items (even if this weirdo takes it as such).

littlestmonkey

Thanks everyone for the advice - it's good to see all sides of the argument as laid out here and gather all the different opinions.

I'm going to talk to my husband tonight about it and go through the different options we have and take it from there.

princessleia22

Instead of just outright returning it, I'd maybe just mention it to the ex-friend and see if they are interested in getting it back, because they may not be.  And packing and moving can be a great excuse. Like maybe send ex-friend an e-mail or something saying, "Hey, I know we haven't talked in a while, but while packing I came across your grandma's crystal and was wondering if you want it back... I really don't want to risk anything happening to something that may be important to you and your family."  If he says he doesn't want it, drop the suggestion quickly and say something like, "okay, great... it's really beautiful and I love having it, but I kind of felt bad about holding onto your family heirloom when we don't hang out as much as we used to".  You don't want him to think you want to get rid of it to further eliminate him from your lives, so quickly turning it to a happy tone, whatever the response, may be critical to that... you want to make it sound like you really just feel bad for having something that may be important to him, which is true.