Registry...yes or no?

funsize2u

My fiance recently informed me that he does not want to have a wedding registry. He feels that telling people what to give for a wedding gift is very tacky and impersonal. He would rather have people put some thought into the gift they are giving. Instead of the registry, he says he would rather have people contribute financially to the wedding or honeymoon in some way, but I feel this is a rude thing to ask.
We are in a bit of a situation though because neither he nor I have very big incomes and he is also in the air force and both he and I will be moving to a permenant base after the wedding so he may feel that he doesn't need the hassle of packing up all of our gifts.
However, I feel that a registry is an expected thing now a days and my family has always given lists at Christmas and during birthdays and such so I feel there is no problem with a registry.

Is it acceptable to ask for money instead of registry items? How would we let our guests know that that is what we want?

esstee33

funsize2u said:

My fiance recently informed me that he does not want to have a wedding registry. He feels that telling people what to give for a wedding gift is very tacky and impersonal. He would rather have people put some thought into the gift they are giving. Instead of the registry, he says he would rather have people contribute financially to the wedding or honeymoon in some way, but I feel this is a rude thing to ask.
We are in a bit of a situation though because neither he nor I have very big incomes and he is also in the air force and both he and I will be moving to a permenant base after the wedding so he may feel that he doesn't need the hassle of packing up all of our gifts.
However, I feel that a registry is an expected thing now a days and my family has always given lists at Christmas and during birthdays and such so I feel there is no problem with a registry.

Is it acceptable to ask for money instead of registry items? How would we let our guests know that that is what we want?

No. You're right that it would be very rude. Please do not ask for cash or honeymoon contributions in any other capacity, like honeymoon registries. If you just don't register, people will get the hint and give you cash anyway in most situations. 

ohannabelle

His logic confuses me. How is it tacky and impersonal to do a traditional registry (which is not a demand list, but a helpful way of letting people know, when they ask, what sort of things you need or like- but it's not tacky and impersonal to ask for money?

Shut this stuff down, right away. Asking for money is crass. No way around it. 

NYCMercedes

It's NEVER acceptable to ASK for money! A registry is not ASKING for those things. It's a list of things of your taste, in case someone wants to give you a boxed gift. You don't put money on a list of things you want. Have you ever known anyone not to want money?

Cookie Pusher

Agreed with PPs - it's rude to ask for money. DH and I did not register as there was nothing we needed at the moment and just don't have the space to store things for later. Every single guest at our wedding gave us cash/check/gift cards without being told that money makes a great gift.

flantastic

I'm with Annabelle - most people consider money to be more impersonal.

The thing with registries is that sometimes I look at them and I think, "Wow, they know that I know how much they love to crockpot stuff, we've joked about it, I'll get them the crockpot" which makes it a very personal gift even if it's just from a list of stuff that you guys need or want. I can also say, "that shit's ridiculous, who needs a $400 wall mirror?" and the personal beauty is that I don't actually have to buy you that gift.

In addition, asking for cash is rude. If you could use the stuff that would be on a traditional registry, register. If you could use cash more, don't register, and people will give you cash without feeling like a particular gift (said cash) was demanded of them... just like I didn't feel like someone was demanding I buy the wall mirror.

CMGragain

The wedding registry is a great convenience to your guest.  When I am invited to a wedding, I usually ask the MOB where the couple is registered.  Then I go online and choose a gift, have it wrapped and sent without my leaving the house.  Love it!
Years ago brides registered for silver, crystal and china.  Today's girls have different tastes, and are more practical.
Asking for money is rude.  Honeymoon registries are no different than asking for money.

artbyallie

Registries are in fact the opposite of impersonal as they should reflect your personal taste. Also, everyone already knows money makes a good gift for any occasion. Keeping your registry small will be a tip-off but some people will always give money while some will always give a boxed gift. And while a few people did truly know us well enough to choose things off-registry that we love and use frequently, not everyone does nor is everyone a 'good' gift-giver, so those other people will appreciate the existence of a registry.

theartistformerlyknownas

Registries can definitely be personal. For example, if I see you're registered for pie plates and measuring spoons, I'll add some gourmet spices and my favorite apple pie recipe. Or a cozy blanket and giant bowl off the registry plus some popcorn, fancy seasoning salts and a favorite DVD added for a date night. Straining pasta pot and cheese grater plus fancy noodles and sauce. I registered for cloth napkins; DH's aunt wrapped them up with seashell napkin rings "to always remind us of our Florida family."

There's no way to make subsidizing the cost of your linen rental personal. If asked for cash, I'd give a picture frame.

princessleia22

The idea behind a registry is to assist your guests in knowing your style or what you need.  Yes, you may need a toaster, but do you plan to have stainless appliances?  White? Black? Red? What about towels or sheets?  How will they know what color your décor is?  You don't want someone to buy you pink throw pillows to match your green sofa.  If people are going to buy you home goods, they need to know what your décor and design style is, and that is what the registry is for. It's not demanding gifts from people, it's just directing them to your style or what you need. It also is helpful so you don't end up with 10 crock pots or 6 toasters. 

If you don't want to worry about moving with a bunch of gifts, don't do a registry.  People will know that money is always an appropriate gift and not having a registry, or doing a small one, will lead them in that direction. You don't need to tell anyone that you want money... they already know. I had a very small registry and 90% of my gifts were cash or gift cards. Some people prefer to do tangible gifts though, so a small registry may be a good idea to help assist those people.

esstee33

@lolo883 You are the freakin' coolest. Just sayin'. 

theartistformerlyknownas

esstee33 said:

@lolo883 You are the freakin' coolest. Just sayin'. 

Well thanks!

atlastmrsg

I'm in the minority here, but I never mind donating to honeymoon registries, especially for older couples.  I now know what it feels like to be 30...and I have 30 years of accumulated "stuff."  If you're not 22, most likely you have a mop, napkin rings, pots, and pans.  I'm happy to donate to a honeyfund so you don't have to find a place to put ANOTHER _______.  And I received my fair share of random glassware, personalized serving platters, etc. at my wedding and do not wish that upon others.

LondonLisa

atlastmrsg said:

I'm in the minority here, but I never mind donating to honeymoon registries, especially for older couples.  I now know what it feels like to be 30...and I have 30 years of accumulated "stuff."  If you're not 22, most likely you have a mop, napkin rings, pots, and pans.  I'm happy to donate to a honeyfund so you don't have to find a place to put ANOTHER _______.  And I received my fair share of random glassware, personalized serving platters, etc. at my wedding and do not wish that upon others.

Yes, but you aren't ACTUALLY giving an experience when you buy off of a honeymoon registry. You are paying 7% to a company to cut them a cheque. 

If one doesn't want "stuff" they simply do not register. Everyone knows money is a good wedding gift. One can use that money for a holiday without lying to their guests by doing a honeymoon registry.

climbingsingle

I also agree that his logic doesn't make much sense. If he's not OK dictating gifts on a registry, how in his mind is it OK to ask for cash to put towards the HM? 

beethery

We're not registering. When FMIL heard this, she was disappointed that she would not get to take part in hosting a shower for me. Then, she said, "It's alright, just write 'Cash gifts only, please.' at the bottom of the invitation in a nice font so that people will know what to do."

I explained that anyone who is wants to give a gift can figure it out, and it's not a big deal. I told her we don't really need anything and we're just going to save up for the honeymoon. Hopefully she goes with that.

I'm glad I'm doing the invitations myself though. Lordy lord.

beethery

scribe95 said:

Perhaps this is better on the Registering and Gifts thread?

I think it would make more sense there.

atlastmrsg

LondonLisa said:

atlastmrsg said:

I'm in the minority here, but I never mind donating to honeymoon registries, especially for older couples.  I now know what it feels like to be 30...and I have 30 years of accumulated "stuff."  If you're not 22, most likely you have a mop, napkin rings, pots, and pans.  I'm happy to donate to a honeyfund so you don't have to find a place to put ANOTHER _______.  And I received my fair share of random glassware, personalized serving platters, etc. at my wedding and do not wish that upon others.

Yes, but you aren't ACTUALLY giving an experience when you buy off of a honeymoon registry. You are paying 7% to a company to cut them a cheque. 

If one doesn't want "stuff" they simply do not register. Everyone knows money is a good wedding gift. One can use that money for a holiday without lying to their guests by doing a honeymoon registry.

Not all registries are structured like that.  But anyway, that's the couple's choice.  If they set up a fund that takes a cut, that's their choice.  Kind of like me giving them a gift card and them losing it or not spending it before it expires--also their deal.

wandajune6

We're in our mid-late 30's and registered at 3 places. They were all small registries intended to cover the shower. There wasn't a lot that we needed but we were ready for a lot of upgrades. The shower cleaned out all of the bigger options so we added more after the shower.

The breakdown looked something like this:

-60% cash, check, and gift cards
-35% gifts from the registry
-5% really thoughtful gifts that we never thought to register for but we love

theartistformerlyknownas

wandajune6 said:

We're in our mid-late 30's and registered at 3 places. They were all small registries intended to cover the shower. There wasn't a lot that we needed but we were ready for a lot of upgrades. The shower cleaned out all of the bigger options so we added more after the shower.

The breakdown looked something like this:

-60% cash, check, and gift cards
-35% gifts from the registry
-5% really thoughtful gifts that we never thought to register for but we love

Our registries were about 75% completed after the showers. For the wedding, out of 110 gifts, we got 4 registry gifts, 5 thoughtful off-registry gifts, 1 gift card and the rest cash. What we didn't have was any guests incorrectly thinking they were getting us a $100 dinner on the beach but really giving a $93 check after fees.

Viczaesar

atlastmrsg said:

LondonLisa said:

atlastmrsg said:

I'm in the minority here, but I never mind donating to honeymoon registries, especially for older couples.  I now know what it feels like to be 30...and I have 30 years of accumulated "stuff."  If you're not 22, most likely you have a mop, napkin rings, pots, and pans.  I'm happy to donate to a honeyfund so you don't have to find a place to put ANOTHER _______.  And I received my fair share of random glassware, personalized serving platters, etc. at my wedding and do not wish that upon others.

Yes, but you aren't ACTUALLY giving an experience when you buy off of a honeymoon registry. You are paying 7% to a company to cut them a cheque. 

If one doesn't want "stuff" they simply do not register. Everyone knows money is a good wedding gift. One can use that money for a holiday without lying to their guests by doing a honeymoon registry.

Not all registries are structured like that.  But anyway, that's the couple's choice.  If they set up a fund that takes a cut, that's their choice.  Kind of like me giving them a gift card and them losing it or not spending it before it expires--also their deal.

Regardless, it's rude to ask for money.  Period.

eshaney

If you don't register, I will give you a gift of my choosing that you probably can't return very easily.  I don't do that to be difficult, but writing a check just isn't my gifting "style".

The ONLY thing I agree with FH about is that you will be collecting a lot of stuff that you will soon have to move when you PCS.  For that reason, I would perhaps have all gifts sent to a parent's address instead of your own.  The PCS struggle is insane, but it is not worth alienating your guests over.

I did have a friend use registry.com (which I am using as well along with a traditional BBB and Target registry).  She had one item that said "We know we have a lot of very creative, talented friends, so we would love something homemade."  And one line item listed "house fund" with a very witty explanation about how renting in downtown Charleston, SC wasn't really their long-term goal... I can't remember the exact wording, but it was nice, funny, and very gracious.  That is the first time I've seen a wedding gift suggesting money done in a way that wasn't off-putting.  This information also only appeared on one section of her registry page and nowhere else, and it was never addressed in any other way.

If worse comes to worse, register at BBB and return all of your gifts after the wedding with their amazing return policy for registrants.  Then, after you PCS, take your gift card to your local store and go on a shopping spree for your new home.  (Just don't tell people that is what you are doing!)

Cookie Pusher

eshaney said:

If you don't register, I will give you a gift of my choosing that you probably can't return very easily.  I don't do that to be difficult, but writing a check just isn't my gifting "style".

The ONLY thing I agree with FH about is that you will be collecting a lot of stuff that you will soon have to move when you PCS.  For that reason, I would perhaps have all gifts sent to a parent's address instead of your own.  The PCS struggle is insane, but it is not worth alienating your guests over.

I did have a friend use registry.com (which I am using as well along with a traditional BBB and Target registry).  She had one item that said "We know we have a lot of very creative, talented friends, so we would love something homemade."  And one line item listed "house fund" with a very witty explanation about how renting in downtown Charleston, SC wasn't really their long-term goal... I can't remember the exact wording, but it was nice, funny, and very gracious.  That is the first time I've seen a wedding gift suggesting money done in a way that wasn't off-putting.  This information also only appeared on one section of her registry page and nowhere else, and it was never addressed in any other way.

If worse comes to worse, register at BBB and return all of your gifts after the wedding with their amazing return policy for registrants.  Then, after you PCS, take your gift card to your local store and go on a shopping spree for your new home.  (Just don't tell people that is what you are doing!)

Asking for money, be it for a house/honeymoon/rent/whatever, is still rude.

antibride2013

eshaney said:

If you don't register, I will give you a gift of my choosing that you probably can't return very easily.  I don't do that to be difficult, but writing a check just isn't my gifting "style".

The ONLY thing I agree with FH about is that you will be collecting a lot of stuff that you will soon have to move when you PCS.  For that reason, I would perhaps have all gifts sent to a parent's address instead of your own.  The PCS struggle is insane, but it is not worth alienating your guests over.

I did have a friend use registry.com (which I am using as well along with a traditional BBB and Target registry).  She had one item that said "We know we have a lot of very creative, talented friends, so we would love something homemade."  And one line item listed "house fund" with a very witty explanation about how renting in downtown Charleston, SC wasn't really their long-term goal... I can't remember the exact wording, but it was nice, funny, and very gracious.  That is the first time I've seen a wedding gift suggesting money done in a way that wasn't off-putting.  This information also only appeared on one section of her registry page and nowhere else, and it was never addressed in any other way.

If worse comes to worse, register at BBB and return all of your gifts after the wedding with their amazing return policy for registrants.  Then, after you PCS, take your gift card to your local store and go on a shopping spree for your new home.  (Just don't tell people that is what you are doing!)

This right here is exactly why I hate giving items with a receipt.  If it is on your registry and I buy it, no receipt for you.  There are way too many people out there that register with the intent to return EVERYTHING.  By golly if I spend my precious time looking through a registry, buy a gift, wrap it, etc there is no fucking way you are returning it!!!

jynnx262

I used Honeyfund and it was the best thing I ever did. I am in my 30s and I do not need anything for my home. No one felt insulted by using the Honeyfund and I have given to other honeymoon registries in the past. I also had a normally registry (BBB) in case anyone felt weird about using the Honeyfund but to be honest in the end I received mostly honeymoon gifts. Now my honeymoon is paid for and financially I am not as stressed.

southernbelle0915

jynnx262 said:

I used Honeyfund and it was the best thing I ever did. I am in my 30s and I do not need anything for my home. No one felt insulted by using the Honeyfund and I have given to other honeymoon registries in the past. I also had a normally registry (BBB) in case anyone felt weird about using the Honeyfund but to be honest in the end I received mostly honeymoon gifts. Now my honeymoon is paid for and financially I am not as stressed.

To the bolded: how do you know? Did you send an anonymous survey monkey poll to all your wedding guests, 100% of them responded and you didn't have one bad review? I was a bridesmaid in a wedding that did a Honeyfund registry. The bride probably thought I was fine with it because I didn't say anything to her about it. I thought it was incredibly tacky.

Honeyfund is another way of saying "GIVE ME MONEY" which is always considered rude. You don't get "swimming with dolphins" you get a check - it's misleading. It's just a lipstick-on-a-pig way of asking for money. Plus, if a guest gives $100 via Honeyfund, the recipient only gets $93. 

As a guest, it takes me less time to write a check and the B&G end up with more money. Everyone wins! With Honeyfund, people think you're tacky, you get less money, it's misleading for guests and takes more time than writing a check. Everyone loses.

antibride2013

jynnx262 said:

I used Honeyfund and it was the best thing I ever did. I am in my 30s and I do not need anything for my home. No one felt insulted by using the Honeyfund and I have given to other honeymoon registries in the past. I also had a normally registry (BBB) in case anyone felt weird about using the Honeyfund but to be honest in the end I received mostly honeymoon gifts. Now my honeymoon is paid for and financially I am not as stressed.

No.  Please go away. 

esstee33

eshaney said:

If you don't register, I will give you a gift of my choosing that you probably can't return very easily.  I don't do that to be difficult, but writing a check just isn't my gifting "style".

The ONLY thing I agree with FH about is that you will be collecting a lot of stuff that you will soon have to move when you PCS.  For that reason, I would perhaps have all gifts sent to a parent's address instead of your own.  The PCS struggle is insane, but it is not worth alienating your guests over.

I did have a friend use registry.com (which I am using as well along with a traditional BBB and Target registry).  She had one item that said "We know we have a lot of very creative, talented friends, so we would love something homemade."  And one line item listed "house fund" with a very witty explanation about how renting in downtown Charleston, SC wasn't really their long-term goal... I can't remember the exact wording, but it was nice, funny, and very gracious.  That is the first time I've seen a wedding gift suggesting money done in a way that wasn't off-putting.  This information also only appeared on one section of her registry page and nowhere else, and it was never addressed in any other way.

If worse comes to worse, register at BBB and return all of your gifts after the wedding with their amazing return policy for registrants.  Then, after you PCS, take your gift card to your local store and go on a shopping spree for your new home.  (Just don't tell people that is what you are doing!)

This is disgusting. Has nobody ever told you it's wrong to lie? And even worse, you're cool with intentionally deceiving your guests and returning items they picked out especially for you? Shame on you. 

LittleWohlscheid

antibride2013 said:

This right here is exactly why I hate giving items with a receipt.  If it is on your registry and I buy it, no receipt for you.  There are way too many people out there that register with the intent to return EVERYTHING.  By golly if I spend my precious time looking through a registry, buy a gift, wrap it, etc there is no fucking way you are returning it!!!

I get the sentiment here, but my cousin ended up with 3x the silverware she registered for and no receipts. That's just inconvenient.

Also, theoretically jynnx262 could tell her guests weren't offended based on the fact that she provided a registry at a store and by the fact that it's way simpler to just write a check, but they still donated. Why would you donate if you were offended? That's your own fault. I think people are way too touchy about honeyfund. If you don't like the concept, don't donate to it. Simple. The fact that the site has a fee is a decision the couple makes when they register for it.

To OP: don't register if you would prefer money, like PPs said. Guests will figure it out and give you cash or a check if they don't have a list of suggestions from a registry.

Knottie83783958

Actually you should be about to ship your stuff to where ever you are going to be moving to at a base near year.  that's what we are going to be doing. My fiancé is in the Airforce as well and he just going to take to the base near me as his stuff to ship to house current location.  It many take a few months but it saves a lot of money

Knottie32501435

Try to explain to your fiance that a registry is not a demand list. Its a helpful tool to let your guests know what you need. Trying to choose the perfect gift is hard enough, its worse if there are lots of other guests and you run the risk of getting lots of duplicates. Plus, in your situation it would be best if you got gifts that would be easy to pack and don't need the hassle of doing returns. Furthermore, your guests don't have to buy from it. They may look at it to get ideas, but there is no obligation. Like I said, its a tool for those who don't know you that well or for those who want to get the perfect gift as it let's them know what you need and like even if they don't pick from the list.

Besides, by not registering you run the risk of getting things you don't need, want, and will soon have to move to your new place.

Although money is my preferred gift, weddings are still very rooted in tradition. Older and/or conservative gifts may think money is an insulting idea. If you do want to money most though you have an out in that you are moving. Explain that moving is stressful so cash gifts are preferred.

You may also choose to do a honeymoon registry since they are more polite than outright asking for cash. Plus they allow people to pick something special for you that you won't have to move either.

It sounds like your on the right track, hopefully your fiance will change his mind. Best of luck!