friends + wedding etiquette

eisdod68

Hi all! I got married last year to a wonderful man. I like to think that we hosted our guests properly and did not break any etiquette rules (I hope!). Two of my very good friends became engaged recently, and are beginning to plan their weddings. They are already starting to make etiquette mistakes, pretty common ones for the most part. Nothing terribly offensive (except for one thing), but I've been trying to offer advice (when asked by them) or gently point them in the right direction. I will tell them to check out these forums because there is great tips and advice on here, but they don't seem to be doing that.

My question is... I don't want to offer unsolicited advice to them and shove my 2 cents in. They are very dear friends to me, but I am dying inside when they are talking about their weddings because I know some of the things they're planning aren't really appropriate. Should I just keep quiet and let them go ahead with planning, no matter how bad the etiquette mistakes? I know when I was planning, it was definitely annoying to be offered a million opinions. I'm trying to come from a good place, not just giving them opinions for no reason. Thoughts?

CrazyCatLady3

I think it depends on how bad these etiquette breaches are.  If they are minor things like you mentioned, I would just leave it alone.  If it's something super rude like having a tiered reception, you might say something non-accusatory like, "I might feel bad if I were invited to only one part of the reception."  Can you give more specifics?

eisdod68

to give some background, some of the things they are doing:

- Making the wedding party even on both sides, so now the bride is talking about adding "random" people (her words) to her party because her fiance wants 6 and she wants 3.
- Having sponsors for the wedding... She is calling up family and friends and asking them to be padrinos and pay for something in the wedding. she is marrying into a Mexican family.
- Throwing their own engagement party
- A,B,C lists for invites
- Having two weddings, one in his hometown and one in her hometown

ugh...

CrazyCatLady3

Sounds like a total cluster.  If they need sponsors for the wedding, maybe they should just have one (less to pay for)?!

I think the engagement party thing is relatively harmless as long as they're not demanding gifts.  Yeah, it might get side-eyed, but it's not the worse thing in the world.  As for the wedding party thing, I would maybe try to just point out that a lot of weddings these days have uneven sides, and show pictures.  As for the "sponsors," you could mention that these people might feel put on the spot and that she should consider that.  After mentioning these things though, it's on them, not you, so if they continue with their bad plans you should just shrug your shoulders and let them learn their lessons on their own.

eisdod68

agreed! the sponsors thing is so out there to me, but maybe it is a cultural difference. oh well.

holyguacamole79

Apparently the sponsors + paying is a cultural tradition (http://weddingtraditions.about.com/od/MarriageTraditions/fl/Padrinos-y-Madrinas-The-Wedding-Sponsors.htm).  I would definitely not encourage her to do this, but it seems to be legit in some circles. 

When my sister & I got married (not to each other, obviously), we each chose to have a sponsor couple for our marriage prep (we're Catholic).  I know my sister & her husband have grown quite close to their sponsor couple and they have been like padrinos to them.  But the talk of money NEVER entered the picture.

OP, when talking to this friend, I make comments about how I would feel in the situation.  For example, "I would feel weird being a bridesmaid for someone I don't know so well - I would feel as though I was just a prop." 

OliveOilsMom

Show her pictures of uneven wedding parties. But sometimes no matter how much you try, your voice will fall on deaf ears.

As for the padrinos thing, is her family Mexican? Or is she just marrying into a Mexican family. If its the latter, I would counsel her that she may alienate her own family if she keeps it up. It is fine for FI's family if that is what they are used to doing, but to ask people not familiar with the tradition to partake is a bit much.

You could try showing her these forums. Find a post about uneven wedding parties on the Wedding Party board and show it to her. That may encourage her to start posting here and get the correct information about how to plan her wedding!

Lastly, unless she asks you directly, I probably would just keep quiet on any potential etiquette fails. Or you can buy her Miss Manners' Guide to a Dignified Wedding (I think that's the title) for an engagment party gift.

thisismynickname2

OP I could have written the same post. I haven't though, in case my bride friend ventures here and recognizes me bitching about her!

For one thing, when she mentioned using certain friends as unpaid help, I said more or less, "But can't you just hire someone for that / doesn't the venue do that for you? But, you meant to have so-and-so as a guest, right?"

But to some extent, not my monkey, not my circus. I think for one thing, I just said, "Well, you certainly can do that, but what'll happen as a result is...."

It'll be an interesting engagement. 

theartistformerlyknownas

I would try phrasing things from a more egocentric POV, honestly. Tends to get through better in these types of situations. "That sounds so stressful for you to have to choose more BM's just to match FI! I found these pics with uneven bridal party members though and look how nice it looks, and even better, less money to spend on bouquets/gifts/whatever!" Or "I read about this wedding on TK where the bride's friends found out they were B-listed and they all said horrible things about her. (or "the A-list declines changed their minds and now they had to downgrade the food and have the wedding in a tent just to fit everyone.") Seems way simpler to just keep one guest list. You don't need the extra stress!"

dolewhipper

I know with my family and friends of the family, unless a family member offers to sponsor part of the wedding, its is extremely rude to ask. Many times, (in circles like these), couples will get multiple offerings for the same thing (we had two people offer to do the RD) and they have to either accept or decline. The problem with declining is that it can be seen as a slap in the face to that family member.

Either way though, it's very rude to just "call up" people and ask, especially if it's not within her culture at all.

short+sassy

In general, I think there is nothing wrong with the lightly "sharing a story/opinion" approach.  Emphasis on light.  For exmaple, on the issue of B-C lists:

Right:  "I know your heart is in the right place wanting to include as many friends and family as possible, but I was invited to a wedding at the last minute a couple years ago and was hurt by it.  I understand couples can't always invite everyone they would like to, but I would rather not be invited at all, than feel like I was a place filler."

Wrong:  "It's extrememly rude to use a B List!  It's terrible because you are treating some of your guests as second class citizens."  While this statement is certainly true, it is just going to put someone on the defense.

Although this wasn't an etiquette blunder you mentioned, I love the stories I read on here sometimes about a bride/groom having a cash bar and guests start digging into their wedding card to gather up some cash to get a drink.  This would be a good cautionary tale to tell to a friend thinking about having a cash bar. 

canadianhearts

Wedding sponsors?! Love that!

What's next...house (mansion preferred) sponsors and baby sponsors?

I understand that it's a tradition in certain cultures, but I feel even in that case the family probably should offer rather than be asked.

I think you just can't attack them - "you're doing this wrong", "you can't do that", "you're making a mistake" as they'll probably just tune you out. Try to focus on *I* statements and presenting them with "ideas" versus "you musts" if that makes any sense.