Friend vs. Cousin

[Deleted User]

I have a very good friend that I would like to ask to be a bridesmaid (I plan on only having 2, and a man of honor), but she has been in a long term relationship with my cousins ex-husband. Now, my cousin and this man were only together for 6 months, including the marriage, and had a tumultuous separation, the details of which no one in my family knows. I have hardly spoken to my cousin in years, she didn't tell me she was pregnant or had a child, and I've tried to keep in touch with her to no avail. But she is family and I love her. I am very close with my friend and her boyfriend. My friend was my son's nanny for awhile, and when I was in a bad accident, her and her boyfriend helped out around my house. They are wonderful people also. I don't want to cause any stress on my family, or my friends for that matter, by putting them in a difficult situation, but I don't want to write off a wonderful friend because of this situation. The invitations haven't been sent out yet, so not sure if my cousin will even make the trip because she is out of state. I would just like to be prepared, and navigate this in the best way possible.

RebeccaFlower

Knottie13330215 said:

I have a very good friend that I would like to ask to be a bridesmaid (I plan on only having 2, and a man of honor), but she has been in a long term relationship with my cousins ex-husband. Now, my cousin and this man were only together for 6 months, including the marriage, and had a tumultuous separation, the details of which no one in my family knows. I have hardly spoken to my cousin in years, she didn't tell me she was pregnant or had a child, and I've tried to keep in touch with her to no avail. But she is family and I love her. I am very close with my friend and her boyfriend. My friend was my son's nanny for awhile, and when I was in a bad accident, her and her boyfriend helped out around my house. They are wonderful people also. I don't want to cause any stress on my family, or my friends for that matter, by putting them in a difficult situation, but I don't want to write off a wonderful friend because of this situation. The invitations haven't been sent out yet, so not sure if my cousin will even make the trip because she is out of state. I would just like to be prepared, and navigate this in the best way possible.

Invite them both. They can act like grown ups for a day. 

For what it's worth, I think if your cousin didn't even tell you she had a baby and you're in regular contact with this friend, you need to stand by the friend. Blood does not always trump. 

JCbride2015

Yeah, I would go ahead and ask your friend.  It sounds like she is special to you and your cousin should be able to behave like an adult.

crackktheskyy

I'm not sure what you're asking here....whether you should invite your friend or your cousin? Whether you should ask your friend to be a bridesmaid?

I presume that your cousin would know that if this friend is that close to you, you will be inviting her and her SO. I don't see why you couldn't invite both. If one of them is going to be uncomfortable about it, they can always decline attending the wedding if the history is that uncomfortable.

huskypuppy14

I don't know what you're asking either. Would you not invite your friend to your wedding because she is dating your cousin's ex? Whether she is your bridesmaid or just a guest, her SO needs to be invited. 

Honestly, if you think it will be such a problem, I wouldn't invite your cousin, but I see no reason why they can't both be invited.

downtondiva

It's not 100% clear, but it sounds to me like you want to ask your friend to be a bridesmaid, but you're concerned about inviting your cousin because having this friend there (especially as a bridesmaid) would offend her. But whatever the exact situation is, I think you should invite both. Just seat them on different sides of the room and hopefully they won't have much or any interaction with each other -- and if they do, well, adults should be able to be civil to each other for 1-2 minutes at a social event. 

danamw

Does the cousin know her ex is dating a BM of yours, a good friend? That doesn't impact on the invitations; it just cuts out an ugly surprise if your cousin does not know her ex may be at the wedding.

Regardless, invite all 3. Seat them across the room. If it is a large wedding they can get through the whole day without even seeing each other.

Nymeru

Your relationship with your cousin does not, to me, trump your relationship with your friend.  Invite them both, and if you'd like your friend to be your BM, absolutely ask her.

acaton5

They are adults and I'm sure they can handle being in the same room for a few hours. My parents managed and they have been bitterly divorced for ages. To be honest, your friend and her boyfriend sound like wonderful people and I'm sure that if trouble were to arise, they would navigate the situation with grace.

FWIW, true family are the people who are there for you and vice versa. Somewhat matching genes are a terrible reason to put someone on a pedestal without deserving it.