My Fiance does NOT like one of my bridesmaid picks

jrt52388

So not long after getting engaged I asked one of my friends from out of state to be in my wedding. I went ahead and asked because she was actually in town and I wouldn't get that opportunity for awhile. She and my fiance have not gotten along in the past, but we are all grown up now and I thought it would be fine. I know she is fine with him now. But he has recently expressed that he does not want her in our party. He also pointed out some of his groomsmen do not like her either. We all used to work together and she was really bossy and tried to be better than most everyone. I also did not like her for a while. But there was a period where I actually got to know her and hang out with her and we got along great! She always stuck up for me and helped me out. I know she would help me out in any way with the wedding, that's why I asked her to be a maid.
But after reading several "discussions" I've realized my man comes before my friends. This is OUR wedding.
So my question is how do i tell her I cannot have her in my party? Do i try to offer her another role? It has been 7 months since i asked her.
*PS. I haven't really asked any other maids yet because the wedding isn't until 9-5-15. I was about to start asking everyone which is how the subject came up with my fiance.

beethery

Unless you want to end the friendship with her, keep her in.

Her only obligations are to get the dress, and show up sober/on time. Tell your FI that. He will have to deal with her on and off for one day, max. He can tough it out.

hellohkb

They're going to have to suck it up. If you were to ask her to step down, it would be a friendship ending move and likely to deeply hurt your friend that you clearly care about.

It's not like they are forced to spend the day by her side. She is not his bridesmaid, she's your bridesmaid.

MairePoppy

Tell your fi you'll take her out if he takes one of his friends out first. He wouldn't like that, would he? Seriously, you get to pick your side, he gets to pick  his. Adults should be able to manage to be polite to each other for one day.

You shouldn't choose your bms based on what  you think they will do for you. You pick them because you want to honor your relationship with them.

holyguacamole79

jrt52388 said:

So not long after getting engaged I asked one of my friends from out of state to be in my wedding. I went ahead and asked because she was actually in town and I wouldn't get that opportunity for awhile. She and my fiance have not gotten along in the past, but we are all grown up now and I thought it would be fine. I know she is fine with him now. But he has recently expressed that he does not want her in our party. He also pointed out some of his groomsmen do not like her either. We all used to work together and she was really bossy and tried to be better than most everyone. I also did not like her for a while. But there was a period where I actually got to know her and hang out with her and we got along great! She always stuck up for me and helped me out. I know she would help me out in any way with the wedding, that's why I asked her to be a maid. But after reading several "discussions" I've realized my man comes before my friends. This is OUR wedding. So my question is how do i tell her I cannot have her in my party? Do i try to offer her another role? It has been 7 months since i asked her. *PS. I haven't really asked any other maids yet because the wedding isn't until 9-5-15. I was about to start asking everyone which is how the subject came up with my fiance.

Leave her in your wedding party. Buy your FI a pair of big boy undies and tell him to put them on.

sarahjane222

I understand wanting to keep peace within your wedding party and especially with your fiance, but you made the decision to ask her without discussing it with him first - so you both are going to have to deal with it now. Obviously she was important enough to you for you to ask her in the first place. Your fiance should be able to understand that and get over his own personal feelings toward her. (As for the rest of the wedding party...who cares what they think? It's not their wedding.)

zitiqueen

Do you allow him to make all of your decisions for you? Is that what your marriage is going to be like as well, your H getting the final veto on everything in your life?

zitiqueen

sarahjane222 said:

I understand wanting to keep peace within your wedding party and especially with your fiance, but you made the decision to ask her without discussing it with him first - so you both are going to have to deal with it now. Obviously she was important enough to you for you to ask her in the first place. Your fiance should be able to understand that and get over his own personal feelings toward her. (As for the rest of the wedding party...who cares what they think? It's not their wedding.)

LOLwhut? Of course she made the decision without discussing it with him first -- it's her goddamed bridal party and entirely her decision to make! Unless this woman tried to force herself on him or attempted to harm him, he has no say in who his FI chooses to stand up on her side.

climbingsingle

This is some high school drama. 

You're allowed to choose whomever you'd like to be in your bridal party. Your FI does not get to dictate to you who can be a bridesmaid and who can't. And same goes for you. If this girl is one of your closest friends, he's going to need to get over it. 

Also, you mentioned that you know she'd help you out a lot. Bridesmaids are not your free wedding planners. They're under no obligation to help you plan or craft or stuff envelopes. That is what your FI is for. 

If you kick her out, you'll essentially be ending your friendship with her. So if you're prepared to end a friendship because your FI doesn't like her, have at it. I think that's incredibly immature of both of you though. 

My husband has a friend that I don't care for. I try not to be around when they're hanging out. But if I see him, I suck it up and I'm polite. That's how adults behave. They don't throw hissy fits and tell their SO that they can't be friends with someone. 

Maggie0829

I would be telling FI, sorry not sorry.  He needs to fucking get over it.  Unless this woman has tried to force herself upon him or physically hurt him then him not liking her is just something he will have to deal with.

This is your bridal party.  Your friends and nearest and dearest.  So it is your decision who is in it. 

[Deleted User]

PP is correct, to kick her out as a BM means more then likely, your friendship will be over. If you are ok with that, then kick her out. But also be prepared to reimburse her for any expenses she may have already incurred like if she already bought a plane ticket to fly in for your wedding.

Honestly I would just tell FI & other members that with her living out of town they won't have very much interaction with her. Should she come in for the Bridal Shower and/or Bachlorette party she'll be dealing with you & the other BM. If she doesn't come in for those, they will only have to deal with her for the Rehersal dinner and the day of your wedding & the others will have to suck it up & deal with it.

jacques27

I don't think "my man comes before my friends" applies when the "man" in question is being petulant and trying to control things that aren't in his purview.  I also wouldn't hesitate to tell "my man" this.  (I also give him permission to dump me for referring to him as "my man" in any context that isn't ironic or with sarcastic air quotes.)  You have your side, he has his.  Neither of you are required to like each others friends. 

So, her major crime is trying to do well at her job and being bossy while doing it a really long time ago and that's an offense worth potentially ending your friendship and kicking her out of your bridal party?  Really?  Say it out loud.  Does is sound as ridiculous to you as it does to me?  (Please say that it does.)

There is no nice way for you to kick her out or relegate her to another position, nor should you even be considering it.  However, if the only reason you asked her was because she could help you a lot with your wedding as your post implies, then I'm going to buck the trend of the previous PP's and say kick her out.  No one needs a friend who bases their friendship on how much they can do for them and who will drop them at a moment's notice because their FI thinks she's bossy.  You'd be doing her a favor in the long run.

AddieCake

Oh, FFS. You pick your people, and he picks his. And everyone grows the fuck up and deals with it.

Jen4948

He doesn't get to choose your attendants anymore than you get to choose his.  End of story.

Viczaesar

jrt52388 said:

So not long after getting engaged I asked one of my friends from out of state to be in my wedding. I went ahead and asked because she was actually in town and I wouldn't get that opportunity for awhile. She and my fiance have not gotten along in the past, but we are all grown up now and I thought it would be fine. I know she is fine with him now. But he has recently expressed that he does not want her in our party. He also pointed out some of his groomsmen do not like her either. We all used to work together and she was really bossy and tried to be better than most everyone. I also did not like her for a while. But there was a period where I actually got to know her and hang out with her and we got along great! She always stuck up for me and helped me out. I know she would help me out in any way with the wedding, that's why I asked her to be a maid. But after reading several "discussions" I've realized my man comes before my friends. This is OUR wedding. So my question is how do i tell her I cannot have her in my party? Do i try to offer her another role? It has been 7 months since i asked her. *PS. I haven't really asked any other maids yet because the wedding isn't until 9-5-15. I was about to start asking everyone which is how the subject came up with my fiance.

Both you and your FI screwed the pooch on this one.  You for asking her to be a bridesmaid because "she would help [you] out in any way with the wedding" and him for being controlling about who is in your wedding party.  You've already asked her; kicking her out of your wedding would be extremely rude.  Your FI needs to butt out of your wedding party selection.  He picks his side, you pick yours.

LondonLisa

jrt52388 said:

So not long after getting engaged I asked one of my friends from out of state to be in my wedding. I went ahead and asked because she was actually in town and I wouldn't get that opportunity for awhile. She and my fiance have not gotten along in the past, but we are all grown up now and I thought it would be fine. I know she is fine with him now. But he has recently expressed that he does not want her in our party. He also pointed out some of his groomsmen do not like her either. We all used to work together and she was really bossy and tried to be better than most everyone. I also did not like her for a while. But there was a period where I actually got to know her and hang out with her and we got along great! She always stuck up for me and helped me out. I know she would help me out in any way with the wedding, that's why I asked her to be a maid. But after reading several "discussions" I've realized my man comes before my friends. This is OUR wedding. So my question is how do i tell her I cannot have her in my party? Do i try to offer her another role? It has been 7 months since i asked her. *PS. I haven't really asked any other maids yet because the wedding isn't until 9-5-15. I was about to start asking everyone which is how the subject came up with my fiance.

This is a horrible attitude. The only one making it a "me or them" ultimatum is your Fiance. Your man cannot come before your friends when he is acting like a little boy throwing a temper tantrum about who you can be friends with. 

STARMOON44

This is so ridiculous. Grow up.

slothiegal

jrt52388 said: So not long after getting engaged I asked one of my friends from out of state to be in my wedding. I went ahead and asked because she was actually in town and I wouldn't get that opportunity for awhile. She and my fiance have not gotten along in the past, but we are all grown up now and I thought it would be fine. I know she is fine with him now. But he has recently expressed that he does not want her in our party. He also pointed out some of his groomsmen do not like her either. We all used to work together and she was really bossy and tried to be better than most everyone. I also did not like her for a while. But there was a period where I actually got to know her and hang out with her and we got along great! She always stuck up for me and helped me out. I know she would help me out in any way with the wedding, that's why I asked her to be a maid. But after reading several "discussions" I've realized my man comes before my friends. This is OUR wedding. So my question is how do i tell her I cannot have her in my party? Do i try to offer her another role? It has been 7 months since i asked her. *PS. I haven't really asked any other maids yet because the wedding isn't until 9-5-15. I was about to start asking everyone which is how the subject came up with my fiance.

-----------------------------------------------
Oh gross.

You know what, go ahead and kick her out.  And then once you've burned that bridge, she can move along and make better friends.

ETA effin' quote box

larrygaga

jrt52388 said:

So not long after getting engaged I asked one of my friends from out of state to be in my wedding. I went ahead and asked because she was actually in town and I wouldn't get that opportunity for awhile. She and my fiance have not gotten along in the past, but we are all grown up now and I thought it would be fine. I know she is fine with him now. But he has recently expressed that he does not want her in our party. He also pointed out some of his groomsmen do not like her either. We all used to work together and she was really bossy and tried to be better than most everyone. I also did not like her for a while. But there was a period where I actually got to know her and hang out with her and we got along great! She always stuck up for me and helped me out. I know she would help me out in any way with the wedding, that's why I asked her to be a maid. But after reading several "discussions" I've realized my man comes before my friends. This is OUR wedding. So my question is how do i tell her I cannot have her in my party? Do i try to offer her another role? It has been 7 months since i asked her. *PS. I haven't really asked any other maids yet because the wedding isn't until 9-5-15. I was about to start asking everyone which is how the subject came up with my fiance.

Your maids are your nearest and dearest, not your slaves. You don't pick them by who you gives you what or who does what for you, you pick them because you love them most.