Family drama and photos

elleC14

So, I'm in a bit of a weird situation. I'm going to summarize the drama part for brevity: FI's cousin had a falling out with the family but really wants to attend the wedding, so she patched things up just enough a couple weeks ago to secure an invitation. My wedding is in less than a month. I'm definitely planning on seating her as far away from her family as possible to save the drama, but now I have a different problem that I don't know how to handle. 

Our photographer has asked for a shot list for the wedding, which formal pictures we'd like with which relatives. Ideally, I'd like to do a big group shot with my extended family - cousins and aunts and uncles (we're a close family). But if I do that, then it will seem weird if FI doesn't, right? But I don't think it's wise to ask his cousins to stand next to each other. They've both assured me that there will be no drama, but I don't want to take chances, and can you imagine the awful, frozen-smile death-stare photo that will result if they're in the same picture together? Should I a) skip my group photo to spare his family the drama, b) take mine and not ask him to do one, or c) make the feuding bro and sis tough it out for the time it takes to snap a pic? 

TL, DNR: Should I forsake an extended family group photo of my own to spare my groom's family the awkwardness of posing with an estranged relative? 

loro929

Based on the info you provided here, my first reaction would be to select either Option B or C. On the one hand, there is no reason that your family should not do a photo because FI's family might not - thus option B. On the other hand, I think that adults should be able to suck it up for a few moments for "family's sake" and just take the picture without any drama - thus option C.

However, not knowing what is the drama makes it difficult to say. I understand that there are certain grades of drama ranging from the "he said, she said gossip", in which I would definitely tell them to put their big-boy/girl pants on for a few minutes, to the truly unforgivable, where I would feel that it was not at all my place to make someone uncomfortable and do something that they have very good reasons to not want to do.

Plus, and more importantly especially because they are his family, what does your FI have to say about this situation? How does he feel about the photos and the drama?

Maggie0829

Does your FI want to do a family photo?  If not, then no worries.  If he does, then have one.  The two feuding siblings don't have to stand next to each other for the photo.  They could stand on opposite ends of the picture if they want.

And if they said that there will be no issues at the wedding then you need to take them at their word rather then trying everything under the sun to keep them 500 feet apart.  If they are adults then they will know how to act accordingly.  If they start shit then they will look like the fools, not you and your FI.

Finally, at my sister's wedding her H did a family photo, our family did not.  It was not weird in the slightest.

elleC14

I asked FI about it but didn't get a real clear answer. In general, he hates what he calls "staged" pictures and wants to take as few as possible, so maybe it would be okay for him to just skip the big family pictures. On the other hand, FMIL is pretty sentimental and traditional and loves pictures, and her family is traveling all the way from England, so it would be nice to get a group shot with them. So that means FFIL's family would either have to skip it or participate, with big girl and boy panties on. 

Ultimately my FI says I shouldn't be "punished" for his family's drama, so it seems likely that I'll at least do my picture. He says I should talk to FMIL about how to handle his side. The drama is really stupid and it would be really nice if everyone could just calm down and look happy for a minute or two.

STARMOON44

I don't see any reason not to do the photo. They've patched things up enough for an invite so I doubt they'll come to blows.

southernbelle0915

Presumably these people are adults. Do you really think they cannot accomplish the simple task of standing next to each other for 5 seconds while a photographer snaps a family picture? 

What exactly do you think is going to happen? A brawl? A wrestling match? I mean really... I don't know these people but I cannot imagine a scenario where two adults wouldn't be able to handle this.

[Deleted User]

At my sister's 100 person wedding, we took one picture with everyone, then friends left for cocktail hour.  One picture with all relatives of either bride or groom.  Groom's family was smaller, so they got next picture, then extended relatives left for cocktail hour.  One picture of any blood relatives of the bride, then separate pictures of bride's mom's side and bride's dad's side, then extended relatives left for cocktail hour.  Then we were left with only siblings and parents and took various family pics.  

Anyway, just saying all this to show that two people who dislike each other can stand on either side of the photos and smile for the bride and groom's wedding photos.

MairePoppy

Don't borrow trouble. The cousins have assured you there will be no problem. Please trust them. If the family is traveling from England for this wedding, a family picture is in order. I would tell fi that it will be a great MOG gift. One day, your children (if you have them) will enjoy seeing that picture.

To answer the other question, if fi doesn't want to gather his family for a staged photo, you should still take your family photo.