NWR: Am I in for a rude awakening?

theycallmelinz

Note: this is going to be long. I'm mostly just venting. 

TL;DR: Am I going to have kids and be kicked in the teeth by reality showing me how hard it is to raise a child and teach them basic survival skills?

I don't have kids (that's not a secret), but FI and I want kids, and I feel like kids will be on the way not tooo terribly long after we get married next year, since we're both in our late 20s and I'm one of those 'my biological clock is TICKING!!!' women. That being said, I also have a lot of opinions about kids, and I feel like I see people screwing up ALL the time! Granted, my job is to work with kids who's parents have likely screwed up a LOT. Yes, some kids can just have a bad attitude, but the majority of the kids I work with got where they are now because they practically raised themselves. So I'm a little jaded when it comes to parenting because I'm typically dealing with worst-case scenarios. 

However, I always get extra stabby (and opinionated) whenever we spend time with FI's brother's kids. Just a quick back story for your info: FI's brother is in early 20s (I think he's 22? maybe 23?) and has 2 small children, ages 4 and 18 mos (first kid isn't his, he adopted the 4 year old). The brother lives with my FILs because he got married super young after knowing this girl about 3 months, caught her cheating with her ex boyfriend about a year after they got married, they divorced, and now brother can't afford to live on his own while paying loads of child support. So these kids get to live with their grandparents (where FI's bro lives) 50% of the time, and like most grandparents, they spoil their grandchildren. I know it happens and that's the joy of grandparents. However, my FMIL is killing me. FBIL doesn't raise the kids. He makes sure they're kept alive, but it's FMIL who caters to their every whim and want and need. And they are never told 'no'.

Oh, you scream when you're put down for a nap? Okay, you don't have to take one.

Oh, you want to be held (4 yr old) even though I'm right in the middle of something? Okay, come here. 

It drives me nuts. I see them all the time giving in so they'll stop crying/whining, and it honestly really puts me in a bad mood. Example, this past weekend we were visiting them and went out for breakfast at a buffet before FI and I headed back home. FMIL had FINALLY fixed 4 year old's plate and got him sitting down, FMIL had finally convinced the 18 mo. old to sit down and at least play with her food, and then FMIL was getting up to fix her own plate, and both babies HAD to go with her. Like screamed and cried when their dad (who ate the whole time, didn't get up to help them) told them they needed to stay and eat their food. Of course, FMIL says okay and takes them both with her. 

In my head I was like 'nooooo you're only making it harder to break that habit later!!' But I don't say anything because that's FI's family and I'm not about to start that war, even though FI agrees with me on all of this. I even told FI that our future kid is probably going to beat up the 4 year old one day because he's such a whiny baby.

Anyway, the point of this post, is am I in for a rude awakening when I have children of my own? I know that sometimes you have to give in and just give them the damn cookie so they'll shut up, but is it really that hard to make the 4 year old sit down and eat while you fix your own plate? Or rock the baby while she's screaming until she finally falls asleep? I know that part is hard, but it's not impossible, because I've done it with this exact child. I held her for over an hour while she screamed so loud FI thought the neighbors would probably call the cops on us, but I finally got her to sleep and I tell myself it's because I won that battle. I refused to let her get up and play just because she didn't want to take a nap. I don't know. I know I'm being bitchy about this, I just feel like you HAVE to set some of these rules up. I don't know what FMIL is going to do when the kids are 7 and 4. Still be holding both of them and fixing their food at the same time I guess. 

lyndausvi

Yes.  You are.  Kids comes out with their own personalities.  Some are easy and laid back.  Others are more high maintenance.   I have identical twin brothers raised in the same home.  1 is more laid back then they other.   Can't really predict.

Doesn't mean you life with be like their's though.  Those kids are young.  They have to grow up in 2 different households with I'm sure 2 different sets of rules.  It's a completely different set of circumstances on how your kids will be raised.

theycallmelinz

lyndausvi said:

Yes.  You are.  Kids comes out with their own personalities.  Some are easy and laid back.  Others are more high maintenance.   I have identical twin brothers raised in the same home.  1 is more laid back then they other.   Can't really predict.

Doesn't mean you life with be like their's though.  Those kids are young.  They have to grow up in 2 different households with I'm sure 2 different sets of rules.  It's a completely different set of circumstances on how your kids will be raised.

I know this is the case. In FBIL's defense, they have no idea what kind of circus goes on at the kids' mom's house, and I think FBIL as well as FMIL try to make their home as the 'fun' place because they don't want the kids to stop wanting to come around as they get older. FMIL has actually stated this. 

I know I'm being judgmental about the situation, it's just one of those things that gets under my skin to see a whiny child get exactly what they're wanting. But I know it's easy for me to say 'Don't give in' when I don't have any kids to deal with 24/7.

KatieinBkln

I think it's fair to say that A. you will definitely be in for a rude awakening when you have kids, for all the reasons Lynda outlined, and B. your FBIL is a pretty shitty parent. The two are not mutually exclusive, ya know? 

You can empathize with how difficult his situation must be (and I'm sure it is--I can't imagine being in his shoes and having to suddenly be a single dad on top of the pain of having his wife leave him) AND disapprove of his choices, and those of your FMIL. 

One thing you might find once you have kids is that FMIL is not quite as...involved with your kids. Trust that it won't be because she doesn't love them, but probably because she doesn't feel your kids "need" her as much--if you and your Fi end up being competent parents with well raised kids, your FMIL may very well stand back and leave you to it. (This is not a guarantee, but a possibility, so I just want to warn you not to feel too slighted if your kids don't get quite the same "Grandma spoiling" as your FBIL's do).

mschristie123

I always think I'm gonna be the perfect parent because I'm a child psychologist and I think I've got shit wrapped up. I'm sure it will definitely be a rude awakening for sure though! Kids have a mind and a will of their own, and it takes sooooo much consistency to get them to the place that you would like them to be (behaviorally).

That being said, it seems like your FILs have really bad boundaries with your FBIL. I don't necessarily think you and FI would make the same mistakes/fall into the same traps as FBIL since you are aware of what/how you want the GP role to be. I do think that the inconsistency and different parenting can be confusing for kids, and so they'll obviously throw tantrums in public and try to get more attention from the GPs, because they can. With your kids, you can set firmer limits and have a little bit more control over the situation.

Inkdancer

You can absolutely prevent a lot of bad behaviors like this. My nephew who is not even 1 has already learned that screaming at bedtime doesn't mean you don't take a nap. We get him ready, go through the routine, put him down in the crib, and let him go if he's yelling. Within about 3 minutes he goes to sleep.

Kids of course have personalities. But personalities don't mean you have to let them go without rules.

theycallmelinz

KatieinBkln said:

I think it's fair to say that A. you will definitely be in for a rude awakening when you have kids, for all the reasons Lynda outlined, and B. your FBIL is a pretty shitty parent. The two are not mutually exclusive, ya know? 

You can empathize with how difficult his situation must be (and I'm sure it is--I can't imagine being in his shoes and having to suddenly be a single dad on top of the pain of having his wife leave him) AND disapprove of his choices, and those of your FMIL. 

One thing you might find once you have kids is that FMIL is not quite as...involved with your kids. Trust that it won't be because she doesn't love them, but probably because she doesn't feel your kids "need" her as much--if you and your Fi end up being competent parents with well raised kids, your FMIL may very well stand back and leave you to it. (This is not a guarantee, but a possibility, so I just want to warn you not to feel too slighted if your kids don't get quite the same "Grandma spoiling" as your FBIL's do).

I do get the sense that this will be the case with our kids, and not because she loves them any less but just like said, they may not 'need' her as much. Of course, I could be wrong and I don't know what she'll do if she has 4-5 kids wanting to be held at once.

amelisha

I don't have kids either, and I do get judge-y about other people's parenting...but my mom has run a day home for the past 25 years, worked with dozens and dozens of children and families, and I have thus received a rare inside look to many, many people's parenting techniques and philosophies.

I know if we have our own, most of that is going to go out the window, so yes, you (and I) are in for a rude awakening, as it's very different from the inside and some kids just come out of the womb much higher-maintenance than others.

But I also know that there is currently an epidemic of people who think they need to be martyrs to parenting and devote absolutely everything to their kids, and I am not into that mode of thinking AT ALL, personally. You can love your kids without being slaves to them, I've seen people do it successfully, and it's a goal for my parenting if we decide to have kids. It is not impossible to be a good parent and still have some of your life that is not owned by your children if you want to. I mean...whatever makes you happy, up to and including giving every ounce of your time and energy to your kids, but if you don't want to do that, it's possible and it doesn't make you a bad parent either.

It's way, way harder than it looks to be 100% responsible for a child 100% of the time, I know (at least academically...I was a nanny and that was plenty hard enough and I still wasn't solely responsible for the children), but yeah, this current parenting style of absolute devotion isn't the only path.

beethery

Your kids will learn what you will/will not tolerate. They will have their own personalities and do what they want, but they'll learn from your parenting what is or isn't going to fly with you. They'll try it anyway, and deal with whatever opposition you put towards it until they learn not to do it.

Maggie0829

As someone without kids I am always like "why are you letting your kid run around screaming like that?!" or "why aren't you telling your kid no more?" or "why aren't you disciplining your kid more?" Well I can easily say those things because I am around that kid for like an hour while the parents of said child have to be a parent 24/7 and sometimes you just do what you need to do to keep yourself from going completely bat shit crazy.

But truthfully NO ONE is ever prepared or ready for kids.  Everything that you say you won't or will do tends to go out the window and you come up with a new plan day by day.  Like PP have said kids have their own personalities.  Some are easier to handle then others.  Some are hard headed while others are all about following the rules.  Should you have a general outline with your SO on how you are going to raise kids?  Sure.  But should you be prepared to throw that plan out the window and start all over again once the kid gets here?  Yup.

In your example though, that is a tough spot to be in.  Your FBIL is a crappy parent because he isn't being a parent at all, he is letting his parents do it for him.  And the grandparents don't want to be the 'mean' grandparents so they are letting the kids do whatever.  All of this together equals a bad situation.

Blergbot

Yes, but you will also love your kids, even if they act like little shits. Just don't let it blind you to the fact that not everyone thinks your children hung the moon.

hellosweetie1015

Everyone is in for a rude awakening when it comes to kids. 

As a childless person, I certainly do see things that I say I will not allow with my children. I see things my parents did with us that I won't do, and I see things being done by people I don't know from Adam's housecat. Of course, I do know that my lofty, perfect-family ideals are not going to happen - there will be a day when dammit I'll just want some quiet, so I'll give the kid a damn cookie. 

Your FBIL though... his behavior is not connected to your rude awakening. He's really being a horrible parent. One parent CANNOT be the fun parent and the other the no-fun parent. That is the most dysfunctional of relationships. Those poor children.

Bubblegum5586

As someone who doesn't have kids I try very hard to not judge other parents. It's so easy to sit on this side of things and think about what I would allow and would not allow. But anytime I catch myself thinking like that a story always pops into my head.

My mom told me when I was 2 I had a little fit in a store. Her best friend was with her (childless at the time) and said "my child will never cry like that in public". And you know what? Her kids were the whiniest kids I had ever met, So I do not want to be that person with these absurdly high exceptions when I really have no idea what it's like (because I don't!).

As far as your FBIL, that whole story makes me sad and his ex sounds like a POS. He's clearly not ready for fatherhood even though it is here, and his mother is just enabling him to continue this behavior. Don't let that discourage you.

princessofgenovia

I always remember the most perfect parents are the ones without kids. I know, I'm an excellent parent right now.

This is not to say the way they're going about caring for the kids is right/good/helpful to their future, either. We lived with my grandparents when I was young. But my mom and dad, they were my parents. They laid down the law with me, well ok they were teenagers they tried their best and I don't start fires so it's all good. But I knew if mom said no, that was it. Well if mom and dad said no. 

My grandparents (I'm their only grandchild) spoiled me. Grandma and I had our secret candy stash, grandpa slipped me 20s, I could no wrong in their eyes. Not Mia! Mia would never do that. My parents knew the truth. Oh yes Mia would do that. She defiantly called that boy an ignorant little fucker and threw a rock at him. 

You can't be the grandparent who spoils and the parent who disciplins at the same time. You gotta pick. 

lacqueredlover

Yep definitely in for a rude awakening.

I was like you.  I knew exactly how I would parent.  I knew how to deal with kids.  I knew what to do and not to do to make sure they dont' grow up into assholes.

I'm now a soon to be step mom to a 5 and 7 year old.  I KNOW NOTHING.  and they are awesome kids!  But when you're a parent, you're not on  your schedule anymore all the time.  A lot of the time, you're on their schedule.  Yes you can prevent bad behaviors and raise them to be pretty awesome little people but sometimes, a 4 year old is going to want to be held by you when you're in the middle of something and you know what?  Because you love them, you stop what you're doing and you hold them for a few minutes.  And sometimes you do it because the sound of them screaming makes you want to murder them and it's smarter to not do that and just hold them for a minute.

Parenting is hard.  And wonderful.  And impossible at times.  And fun at others.  And it's great to have ideas of what you want to do and how you want to raise them but the truth is, these kids come out with personalities already and you are the one who needs to learn to adapt to them to make it work.  (And I have to tell you, kids change a LOT in their first 10 years, my step son was 5 when I met him and still wanted to crawl in our laps and be held and coddled a bit and now, at 7, he's like a little man and super caring to his sister and little cousins and a totally different kid.)

larrygaga

mschristie123 said:

I always think I'm gonna be the perfect parent because I'm a child psychologist and I think I've got shit wrapped up. I'm sure it will definitely be a rude awakening for sure though! Kids have a mind and a will of their own, and it takes sooooo much consistency to get them to the place that you would like them to be (behaviorally).

That being said, it seems like your FILs have really bad boundaries with your FBIL. I don't necessarily think you and FI would make the same mistakes/fall into the same traps as FBIL since you are aware of what/how you want the GP role to be. I do think that the inconsistency and different parenting can be confusing for kids, and so they'll obviously throw tantrums in public and try to get more attention from the GPs, because they can. With your kids, you can set firmer limits and have a little bit more control over the situation.

Okay, I know a child psychologist who is literally the worst parent ever. She is a psychologist for her child and not the kid's mom. Not that you will be like that, I just like to share.

I'm a geratric therapist so I'm in the clear, lol.

theartistformerlyknownas

I think everyone is in for a rude awakening - beside your brother, of course, who doesn't actually seem to do any of the work. Everyone's a perfect parent until they have kids. I keep catching myself being super judgey about other people's parenting choices/perceived mishaps even though I know it'll be a lot harder for myself once I'm actually in their shoes.

theycallmelinz

scribe95 said: I have learned a ton since I became a parent. 
Have known my step daughter since age 5 but we got custody and she moved in with us at 12. So certainly there are some extras issues in our situation that aren't normal. 
But I always thought I just wouldn't put up with some of the crap I see other friends/parents doing. But when you are a parent 24 hours every day you learn to sort of pick your battles. Otherwise you would be arguing/correcting all the time.
With our daughter we don't bend on grades, chores, back-talking, bedtime and a few others. 
But for instance there are things I was really crazy about in the beginning and have let go - I don't care anymore how much she is on her phone/electronics (aside from bedtime ban on them); if she doesn't want to eat what I make I don't stress anymore or force her to and she is responsible for getting herself a sandwich or whatever; if she doesn't put her clean clothes right away I don't care anymore so long as she has dirty clothes ready on Sunday morning for me to wash.
It was just making me stabby. Some might see it as giving in. But we just think of it as prioritizing so she doesn't feel constantly monitored and criticized. 
------------------------------------Boxes?
I think this is what bothers me the most. You're picking your battles but still preparing her for life, which is good. I feel like my niece and nephew are truly going to grow up and be little terrors that think they're entitled to everything! "Ohh you don't want to eat what we made? What can I fix you instead?" 

FMIL is seriously like this, and I'm thinking STAHHHHHP. 

And I know that she has raised two other children who are surviving buttttt for real, FI moved out and started taking care of himself at age 15 so I think he partially raised himself. And now FBIL still lives with them and plays his xbox instead of being a parent. So how decent did he really turn out? And there were MAJOR differences in how the two of them were raised. According to FI, he had a really really hard upbringing and it was practically a cakewalk for his brother. 

My biggest issue is I want to raise our children to know that I love them with all of my heart, but the rest of the world, and some parts of mine, do not revolve around them. And I feel like these kids are being taught the opposite. 

As far as my career, I do feel like being a child therapist will help me a little bit because I've learned things like picking your battles, and "I AM THE PARENT YOU WILL OBEY ME" doesn't always work, especially with teenagers. But again, I know I'm in for a treat if our children take after FI, who apparently was kicked out of two preschools. It will be interesting...