What a fucking mess.

novella1186

Remember when I couldn't decide whether or not I should fire my photographer? (http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/1039584/do-i-fire-the-photographer-update-vent/p1) 

Well I fired her, because it seemed like that's what I needed to do and it was also what my FI wanted. Since she's a family friend, I was so extremely nice about it, and I ended by saying "I wish you the very best, always." I made sure to get this over with while there was still more than 7 months to go before the wedding so she would have plenty of time to re-book that date, which I'm sure she will because she's a pretty well-known and in-demand photographer. I ended up being more concerned for her than I was for myself and my wedding and actually regretted firing her because I didn't want to make her feel bad. 

This morning, weeks after I had fired her, I get a lovely e-mail back from her. She knows I fired her because of all the drama and tension with my sister, so she scolded me for "just making everything even more awkward." And so on. She made sure to let me know that SO many other brides had asked her to do their weddings on that date and she had turned them all down for my sake, and now she would have to just "eat the loss". Um.. what loss? If she's been so sought-after, she'll still be able to book that date, and I know she hasn't invested any money in specifically doing my wedding. In fact, she was giving me a special discount, so she will make MORE money if she re-books that date with a different bride now. But wait, she also made sure to point out that she was "generous enough" to offer me that discount out of the kindness of her heart and as a favor to my family. She ended this very professional message by saying "You need to find a way to fix things with your sister. You only get one family." Which was so nice of her, since the issues with my sister have been eating me alive and it's not like I haven't been trying to figure out how to make shit work out. I'm going to go ahead and guess that my sister has made me out to be an epic evil villain in all of this, and she's the victim, so that's probably why the photog put the burden on me to "fix it." Well now my sister and the photog have even more to say about me. Good for them. 

Aside from that, my mother finally succeeded in guilt-tripping me into making the first move for a truce. Last night I e-mailed my sister (because she ignores my calls) and told her that whatever I did, I'm genuinely sorry and I'm not even mad at her anymore, nor do I need an apology to just move on so that our mom can calm down about this. I'm a little sore from getting so trampled on. Also if anyone's seen my self-worth, please tell it to come back. No reply from my sister yet. 

Also, picked up my wedding dress yesterday. I weigh about 100 lbs and the dress is too small. The seamstress wasn't there, so I couldn't talk to her about it. It wasn't so small that they couldn't zip it, but it had this weird boning in it that I did not think it would have, and it was so tight on my waist that the boning dug in and was so effing painful. After wearing it for about 15 minutes I couldn't take it anymore, so there's no way I can wear that thing for hours and hours. I'm sure there's a way to fix it so I'm not really freaking out about it, but I did not in a million years expect that dress to be too tight on me. Ugh. I fucking hate this wedding stuff right now. 

Sorry for posting long whiney rants two days in a row. I feel like such a huge Debbie Downer. I wish I could quit being an adult just for today, go home, sit in my pajamas, and watch crappy horror movies. And not talk to anyone. Leave me alone, world.   

KatieinBkln

I am sorry you're going through this, Novella.

The photographer was shitty, and said some shitty things, but do you think you can let it go? I mean, you have enough on your plate with your family; you really don't need to add stress from her. Don't read her emails. Don't subject yourself to anything else, ya know?

As for your family--well, you know that I and plenty of other Knotties think they're emotionally abusive. I don't know if anyone has really suggested this to you, but...it's acceptable to cut someone like this out of your life. I know, I know--they're family! But even family doesn't have the right to treat you badly. 

I often recommend Captain Awkward when people are having family or other serious relationship problems. She offers some of the kindest, clearest, no-nonsense advice on the internet, in my opinion. And she just answered a question from a writer with a problem very similar to yours. I encourage you to check it out. She dispels a lot of myths that you may have been telling yourself, and explains much better than I can all the reasons why you should not feel guilty: http://captainawkward.com/2014/10/20/637-am-i-being-just-as-mean-to-my-mean-sister-if-i-ignore-her-for-a-while/

I wish you the best. I do think you're going to have to enforce some tougher boundaries on your family if you want any peace, but I know that is easier said than done. 

beethery

To the photographer:

Oh my god, send her an email back that says, "Please keep your (thankfully) not-related-to-me nose out of my family's business, and rest assured that I don't fucking care, bye!"

What a shitdick.

To your sister:

She can pound sand and chill the fuck out.

To your dress: Call the seamstress, let her know what the deal was, and ask to get a consultation with her.

climbingsingle

I think you should tell the photographer that she needs to mind her own business. 

huskypuppy14

I think you dodged a bullet firing this photographer.

blabla89

Wow, that is SO unprofessional. Perhaps you could kindly point out that your family is none of her damn business?

I'm sorry about everything with your sister (I read the other thread but didn't have anything helpful to contribute) - I know that being the one to make the first apology really stinks, but you're doing the right thing and being the bigger person.

Sending you lots of hugs!

beethery

I need to start a service for making "FUCK OFF" phone calls. Free if it goes to voicemail.

esstee33

novella1186 said:

Remember when I couldn't decide whether or not I should fire my photographer? (http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/1039584/do-i-fire-the-photographer-update-vent/p1) 

Well I fired her, because it seemed like that's what I needed to do and it was also what my FI wanted. Since she's a family friend, I was so extremely nice about it, and I ended by saying "I wish you the very best, always." I made sure to get this over with while there was still more than 7 months to go before the wedding so she would have plenty of time to re-book that date, which I'm sure she will because she's a pretty well-known and in-demand photographer. I ended up being more concerned for her than I was for myself and my wedding and actually regretted firing her because I didn't want to make her feel bad. 

This morning, weeks after I had fired her, I get a lovely e-mail back from her. She knows I fired her because of all the drama and tension with my sister, so she scolded me for "just making everything even more awkward." And so on. She made sure to let me know that SO many other brides had asked her to do their weddings on that date and she had turned them all down for my sake, and now she would have to just "eat the loss". Um.. what loss? If she's been so sought-after, she'll still be able to book that date, and I know she hasn't invested any money in specifically doing my wedding. In fact, she was giving me a special discount, so she will make MORE money if she re-books that date with a different bride now. But wait, she also made sure to point out that she was "generous enough" to offer me that discount out of the kindness of her heart and as a favor to my family. She ended this very professional message by saying "You need to find a way to fix things with your sister. You only get one family." Which was so nice of her, since the issues with my sister have been eating me alive and it's not like I haven't been trying to figure out how to make shit work out. I'm going to go ahead and guess that my sister has made me out to be an epic evil villain in all of this, and she's the victim, so that's probably why the photog put the burden on me to "fix it." Well now my sister and the photog have even more to say about me. Good for them. 

Aside from that, my mother finally succeeded in guilt-tripping me into making the first move for a truce. Last night I e-mailed my sister (because she ignores my calls) and told her that whatever I did, I'm genuinely sorry and I'm not even mad at her anymore, nor do I need an apology to just move on so that our mom can calm down about this. I'm a little sore from getting so trampled on. Also if anyone's seen my self-worth, please tell it to come back. No reply from my sister yet. 

Also, picked up my wedding dress yesterday. I weigh about 100 lbs and the dress is too small. The seamstress wasn't there, so I couldn't talk to her about it. It wasn't so small that they couldn't zip it, but it had this weird boning in it that I did not think it would have, and it was so tight on my waist that the boning dug in and was so effing painful. After wearing it for about 15 minutes I couldn't take it anymore, so there's no way I can wear that thing for hours and hours. I'm sure there's a way to fix it so I'm not really freaking out about it, but I did not in a million years expect that dress to be too tight on me. Ugh. I fucking hate this wedding stuff right now. 

Sorry for posting long whiney rants two days in a row. I feel like such a huge Debbie Downer. I wish I could quit being an adult just for today, go home, sit in my pajamas, and watch crappy horror movies. And not talk to anyone. Leave me alone, world.   

Oh sweet lord. You need to set some hard, clear boundaries with these fucking people AND WITH YOURSELF, NOVELLA. Stop allowing them to live rent-free in your brain all the time. They're assholes and it's their problem, not yours, to fix it. You've done what you can to reach out to your sister and mend fences and if she wants to continue parading around like a mega hag, that's on her. Stop allowing her to fuck with you. If your mom wants to get all pissy, just be like "Listen, I reached out to her and apologized, and if she doesn't want to accept that, there's nothing more to be done here." If she wants to be a bitch and ruin her relationships let her. IT'S NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY, GIRL. 

That photographer needs to get bent, too. I'd be telling her to tell her to mind her own fucking business. It is not her place to insert herself into your personal relationships. 

And please don't settle for the dress if it hurts you. You'll be SO miserable. The dress I wore for my first wedding fit like a glove when I bought it, so I didn't need any alterations at all. Fast forward a couple months and a couple lbs, and it was just a tiny bit too tight in the rib area, but I figured it would be fine. You can tell in every single picture that it was not fine. I had to hunch over slightly to be comfortable, and it was miserable and awkward as fuck. 

esstee33

Also, I'm with @KatieInBkln -- just because they're your family doesn't mean they have a right to treat you like this. You know where I'm coming from with this, of course, but blood relations don't justify abuse. 

ohannabelle

Didn't you give her a huge deposit? I suppose you have to kiss that goodbye.

Her lovely advice? She would get this, from me:

There's time to fix the dress. Don't stress it.

And yes, pajamas and Halloween specials. I'm doing exactly that today. All day.

flyingfoxes

IA w/ @KatieinBkln

You've BEEN the bigger person this whole time - forget that crap about always having to be the one that eats the shit your family sets out for you.  It's not doing you any good, is it?  As sad as it is, sometimes sitting back and really restricting how you interact with them is the only way your heart and soul is going to heal.  You don't have to keep going back for more abuse just because they're your family.  You're worth far more than that. 

HaileyDancingbear

K, I'm going to go ahead and sound bitchy here or whatever, but FUCK THEM.  Fuck the photographer, fuck your sister, they're a couple of assholes you don't need in your life.  

If I were you I'd just stop all communication with them.  And fuck the guilt trips, I'd start every one of those conversations with "I don't want to talk about it" and repeat at every mention of your sister.  

Don't waste your time and energy on these shitheads.  Let them be horrible elsewhere, far away from your fucking life.  And fuck being sentimental, if you found a tumor that you've had since you were young, would you be sentimental since it's been there so long?  No, you'd remove it because it is a bad fucking thing that needs to go away immediately.  Your sister is that tumor.  She doesn't deserve your time or effort or thoughts if that's how she's going to treat you.

ETA: also I would be responding to that email with just one sentence: "That was the most unprofessional interaction I have ever had with a vendor- I made the right choice."

levioosa

Well, the way she responded should make you feel a little better about firing her, because now you know she is petty and unprofessional enough to get involved in family drama and withhold your wedding pictures.  Don't give her a second thought, because she isn't worth your time.  You're going to find someone who is going to take beautiful pictures, without the apprehension and drama.

I'm glad you're taking the wedding dress in stride.  I think I might have freaked.  

I think you should really consider cutting members of your family out of your life.  I don't think you should necessarily do it right this minute, but seriously consider it.  I think someone suggested the book <BOUNDARIES> to you before, and I want to agree that you should read it.  It is a Christian book, but it has some really good parts that would apply to you.  My extremely atheist and Christian hating aunt actually read it and loved it.  It helped her a lot with mentally making boundaries with my BSC Grandmother (who I have not spoken to in years--and have been so much happier for it).  

(What the heck?  Why the weird font change all of a sudden?)

Boundaries are important.  They keep you healthy and balanced.  Just because a family member is related by blood does not give them the right to treat you like shit.  I cannot emphasize this enough.  Real family, blood related or not, treats you with respect. They uphold you, they support you, they show unconditional love.  When they do give you feedback it is honest, not scathing, not intentionally made to wound.  They don't push you to do things that make you uncomfortable, nor do they guilt you.  

It sounds like your sister and parents have a codependent relationship.  It isn't healthy for anyone involved.  Step away from it, refuse to play the games, and you will be much happier for it.  Until you set those boundaries, you won't have a healthy relationship with FI either, because your family will continue to affect your marriage.  Your parents need a wake up call.  

*Hugs*

novella1186

KatieinBkln said:

I am sorry you're going through this, Novella.

The photographer was shitty, and said some shitty things, but do you think you can let it go? I mean, you have enough on your plate with your family; you really don't need to add stress from her. Don't read her emails. Don't subject yourself to anything else, ya know?

As for your family--well, you know that I and plenty of other Knotties think they're emotionally abusive. I don't know if anyone has really suggested this to you, but...it's acceptable to cut someone like this out of your life. I know, I know--they're family! But even family doesn't have the right to treat you badly. 

I often recommend Captain Awkward when people are having family or other serious relationship problems. She offers some of the kindest, clearest, no-nonsense advice on the internet, in my opinion. And she just answered a question from a writer with a problem very similar to yours. I encourage you to check it out. She dispels a lot of myths that you may have been telling yourself, and explains much better than I can all the reasons why you should not feel guilty: http://captainawkward.com/2014/10/20/637-am-i-being-just-as-mean-to-my-mean-sister-if-i-ignore-her-for-a-while/

I wish you the best. I do think you're going to have to enforce some tougher boundaries on your family if you want any peace, but I know that is easier said than done. 

That was quite an amazing and helpful blog post. I think I might print a few copies and hang them up in my desk at work, on my bathroom mirror, in my car, etc, to keep reminding me that just because she calls me those names doesn't mean I am those things, and just because she's my sister doesn't mean I have to communicate with her. I wish I would have had that blog post and the advice of all of you years and years ago. Makes me think that feeling like shit my whole life never really had to happen if I just had the right perspective on the situation. 

hellosweetie1015

Yeah, I'd definitely be telling that photog to butt the fuck out. She has no right to say a damn word to you. ESPECIALLY about your personal family issues. I would respond as politely as possible, but I would make it 110% clear that her email to you was unprofessional and you won't be considering her for any other photography you might have done in the future. 

Your sister - if she doesn't respond, blow her off. Save the email and any texts/other contacts you've tried to make to show to your asshat parents, so that you can say you HAVE made the effort and she's the one who won't respond, and if they still stick with her, blow them off too. You're seven months out, and frankly I'd be thinking very long and hard about whether you'd even send them an invite. If you want, you can come share my family! We're generally pretty cool peepz.

Dress: You'll look fantastic! The seamstress can fix the boning problem, I'm sure - it may just be too much for you - and it'll be perfect. 

beethery

HaileyDancingbear said:

K, I'm going to go ahead and sound bitchy here or whatever, but FUCK THEM.  Fuck the photographer, fuck your sister, they're a couple of assholes you don't need in your life.  

If I were you I'd just stop all communication with them.  And fuck the guilt trips, I'd start every one of those conversations with "I don't want to talk about it" and repeat at every mention of your sister.  

Don't waste your time and energy on these shitheads.  Let them be horrible elsewhere, far away from your fucking life.  And fuck being sentimental, if you found a tumor that you've had since you were young, would you be sentimental since it's been there so long?  No, you'd remove it because it is a bad fucking thing that needs to go away immediately.  Your sister is that tumor.  She doesn't deserve your time or effort or thoughts if that's how she's going to treat you.

You don't sound bitchy, you sound correct.

KatieinBkln

novella1186 said:

KatieinBkln said:

I am sorry you're going through this, Novella.

The photographer was shitty, and said some shitty things, but do you think you can let it go? I mean, you have enough on your plate with your family; you really don't need to add stress from her. Don't read her emails. Don't subject yourself to anything else, ya know?

As for your family--well, you know that I and plenty of other Knotties think they're emotionally abusive. I don't know if anyone has really suggested this to you, but...it's acceptable to cut someone like this out of your life. I know, I know--they're family! But even family doesn't have the right to treat you badly. 

I often recommend Captain Awkward when people are having family or other serious relationship problems. She offers some of the kindest, clearest, no-nonsense advice on the internet, in my opinion. And she just answered a question from a writer with a problem very similar to yours. I encourage you to check it out. She dispels a lot of myths that you may have been telling yourself, and explains much better than I can all the reasons why you should not feel guilty: http://captainawkward.com/2014/10/20/637-am-i-being-just-as-mean-to-my-mean-sister-if-i-ignore-her-for-a-while/

I wish you the best. I do think you're going to have to enforce some tougher boundaries on your family if you want any peace, but I know that is easier said than done. 

That was quite an amazing and helpful blog post. I think I might print a few copies and hang them up in my desk at work, on my bathroom mirror, in my car, etc, to keep reminding me that just because she calls me those names doesn't mean I am those things, and just because she's my sister doesn't mean I have to communicate with her. I wish I would have had that blog post and the advice of all of you years and years ago. Makes me think that feeling like shit my whole life never really had to happen if I just had the right perspective on the situation. 

I am so, so glad you found it useful!

And just one last thing for you--despite all the advice you're hearing to set boundaries, re-frame the issue, etc (which is correct!), please remember that it is NOT YOUR FAULT that your sister has been treating you this way, and never has been. Sure, you're learning new, more productive ways to handle her, but please don't let yourself get caught in the "I should have known better, stupid me!" trap. Well adjusted people often don't know the "tricks" for dealing with abusive people, because abusive people live in a world of quicksand and funhouse mirrors where normal human interaction doesn't apply. You're being forced to adjust to the funhouse, but that doesn't mean you're a dummy for not knowing the rules from the start.

novella1186

KatieinBkln said:

novella1186 said:

KatieinBkln said:

I am sorry you're going through this, Novella.

The photographer was shitty, and said some shitty things, but do you think you can let it go? I mean, you have enough on your plate with your family; you really don't need to add stress from her. Don't read her emails. Don't subject yourself to anything else, ya know?

As for your family--well, you know that I and plenty of other Knotties think they're emotionally abusive. I don't know if anyone has really suggested this to you, but...it's acceptable to cut someone like this out of your life. I know, I know--they're family! But even family doesn't have the right to treat you badly. 

I often recommend Captain Awkward when people are having family or other serious relationship problems. She offers some of the kindest, clearest, no-nonsense advice on the internet, in my opinion. And she just answered a question from a writer with a problem very similar to yours. I encourage you to check it out. She dispels a lot of myths that you may have been telling yourself, and explains much better than I can all the reasons why you should not feel guilty: http://captainawkward.com/2014/10/20/637-am-i-being-just-as-mean-to-my-mean-sister-if-i-ignore-her-for-a-while/

I wish you the best. I do think you're going to have to enforce some tougher boundaries on your family if you want any peace, but I know that is easier said than done. 

That was quite an amazing and helpful blog post. I think I might print a few copies and hang them up in my desk at work, on my bathroom mirror, in my car, etc, to keep reminding me that just because she calls me those names doesn't mean I am those things, and just because she's my sister doesn't mean I have to communicate with her. I wish I would have had that blog post and the advice of all of you years and years ago. Makes me think that feeling like shit my whole life never really had to happen if I just had the right perspective on the situation. 

I am so, so glad you found it useful!

And just one last thing for you--despite all the advice you're hearing to set boundaries, re-frame the issue, etc (which is correct!), please remember that it is NOT YOUR FAULT that your sister has been treating you this way, and never has been. Sure, you're learning new, more productive ways to handle her, but please don't let yourself get caught in the "I should have known better, stupid me!" trap. Well adjusted people often don't know the "tricks" for dealing with abusive people, because abusive people live in a world of quicksand and funhouse mirrors where normal human interaction doesn't apply. You're being forced to adjust to the funhouse, but that doesn't mean you're a dummy for not knowing the rules from the start.

For some reason this just almost made me cry, in a good way. My eyes seriously teared up. 

raissyrais

Wow...nosy much?

novella1186

I was really tempted to email the photog back and let her know how I felt about all her sanctimonious scolding and attitude, along with her total lack of professionalism (in her email she mentioned how professional she is, in case I forgot to mention that) but I've decided to just ignore her and let her sail off into the sunset to Bitch Land where my sister is waiting for her. 

Here's what would happen if I tried to stand up for myself in this case: 

1) Photog would have some snappy comeback since she apparently seems to believe that she has some sort of superiority here (with comments like "you only get one family"). Cool thanks for letting me know. 

2) Photog will also run and tell my sister

3) My sister and photog will combine their powers of bitchery to blow this up into me once again being the evil villain and they are the delicate little victims 

4) Evil sister will then use that as fuel to run to my mother and tell her again what a terrible person I am 

5) I then receive a long sobby email and/or text from said mother, guilt-tripping me and being very theatrical about the whole thing, while very poorly concealing her favoritism for Evil sister and her lies. 

I've been to this rodeo before.  

KatieinBkln

novella1186 said:

I was really tempted to email the photog back and let her know how I felt about all her sanctimonious scolding and attitude, along with her total lack of professionalism (in her email she mentioned how professional she is, in case I forgot to mention that) but I've decided to just ignore her and let her sail off into the sunset to Bitch Land where my sister is waiting for her. 

Here's what would happen if I tried to stand up for myself in this case: 

1) Photog would have some snappy comeback since she apparently seems to believe that she has some sort of superiority here (with comments like "you only get one family"). Cool thanks for letting me know. 

2) Photog will also run and tell my sister

3) My sister and photog will combine their powers of bitchery to blow this up into me once again being the evil villain and they are the delicate little victims 

4) Evil sister will then use that as fuel to run to my mother and tell her again what a terrible person I am 

5) I then receive a long sobby email and/or text from said mother, guilt-tripping me and being very theatrical about the whole thing, while very poorly concealing her favoritism for Evil sister and her lies. 

I've been to this rodeo before.  

You know that you don't have to read or respond to these people's emails, right? The correct response when your mother comes back to you to triangulate your sister/ex-photog's responses is: "Oh, that isn't up for discussion."

Mom: But your sister told me that you were SO rude to Ex-photog!

You: I am sorry, but I'm not discussing this with you.

Mom: How dare you, I'm your mother!

You: And I love you, but this is not a topic that's open for discussion. How is your book club going?

Mom: I just can't believe you're such a villain, blah blah

You: Okay, I can see that this is upsetting for you. I'll come back when you're ready to talk about something else. [Exit Novella]

This is what people mean when they say "set boundaries." It means you don't have to stand there and take it when people yell at you. It means you get to decide which communications you're open to receiving. It means that you can cut the floor right out of the dysfunctional communication triangle by simply refusing to engage with it.

It will take practice, but please don't sell yourself short (or decline to stick up for yourself) because it's "easier" to let the dysfunctional people rail at you. Easier for whom? It's eating you up inside, so stop seeing that as the "easy" response, and start practicing your calmest: "I'm not going to discuss Sister with you, Mom."

beethery

novella1186 said:

I was really tempted to email the photog back and let her know how I felt about all her sanctimonious scolding and attitude, along with her total lack of professionalism (in her email she mentioned how professional she is, in case I forgot to mention that) but I've decided to just ignore her and let her sail off into the sunset to Bitch Land where my sister is waiting for her. 

Here's what would happen if I tried to stand up for myself in this case: 

1) Photog would have some snappy comeback since she apparently seems to believe that she has some sort of superiority here (with comments like "you only get one family"). Cool thanks for letting me know. 

2) Photog will also run and tell my sister

3) My sister and photog will combine their powers of bitchery to blow this up into me once again being the evil villain and they are the delicate little victims 

4) Evil sister will then use that as fuel to run to my mother and tell her again what a terrible person I am 

5) I then receive a long sobby email and/or text from said mother, guilt-tripping me and being very theatrical about the whole thing, while very poorly concealing her favoritism for Evil sister and her lies. 

I've been to this rodeo before.  

Then you know very well to stay out of the corral. Don't fuck with it.

novella1186

KatieinBkln said:

novella1186 said:

I was really tempted to email the photog back and let her know how I felt about all her sanctimonious scolding and attitude, along with her total lack of professionalism (in her email she mentioned how professional she is, in case I forgot to mention that) but I've decided to just ignore her and let her sail off into the sunset to Bitch Land where my sister is waiting for her. 

Here's what would happen if I tried to stand up for myself in this case: 

1) Photog would have some snappy comeback since she apparently seems to believe that she has some sort of superiority here (with comments like "you only get one family"). Cool thanks for letting me know. 

2) Photog will also run and tell my sister

3) My sister and photog will combine their powers of bitchery to blow this up into me once again being the evil villain and they are the delicate little victims 

4) Evil sister will then use that as fuel to run to my mother and tell her again what a terrible person I am 

5) I then receive a long sobby email and/or text from said mother, guilt-tripping me and being very theatrical about the whole thing, while very poorly concealing her favoritism for Evil sister and her lies. 

I've been to this rodeo before.  

You know that you don't have to read or respond to these people's emails, right? The correct response when your mother comes back to you to triangulate your sister/ex-photog's responses is: "Oh, that isn't up for discussion."

Mom: But your sister told me that you were SO rude to Ex-photog!

You: I am sorry, but I'm not discussing this with you.

Mom: How dare you, I'm your mother!

You: And I love you, but this is not a topic that's open for discussion. How is your book club going?

Mom: I just can't believe you're such a villain, blah blah

You: Okay, I can see that this is upsetting for you. I'll come back when you're ready to talk about something else. [Exit Novella]

This is what people mean when they say "set boundaries." It means you don't have to stand there and take it when people yell at you. It means you get to decide which communications you're open to receiving. It means that you can cut the floor right out of the dysfunctional communication triangle by simply refusing to engage with it.

It will take practice, but please don't sell yourself short (or decline to stick up for yourself) because it's "easier" to let the dysfunctional people rail at you. Easier for whom? It's eating you up inside, so stop seeing that as the "easy" response, and start practicing your calmest: "I'm not going to discuss Sister with you, Mom."

You're right. It's still a new concept for me! When my mom tries to guilt-trip me I feel like I'm somehow required to discuss with her or explain things. When my sister runs around playing the victim, I feel like I have to defend myself and tell my side of the story, because I can't stand the way she portrays me. It is better to just not engage them. Definitely something I need to work on going forward. 

KatieinBkln

novella1186 said:

KatieinBkln said:

novella1186 said:

I was really tempted to email the photog back and let her know how I felt about all her sanctimonious scolding and attitude, along with her total lack of professionalism (in her email she mentioned how professional she is, in case I forgot to mention that) but I've decided to just ignore her and let her sail off into the sunset to Bitch Land where my sister is waiting for her. 

Here's what would happen if I tried to stand up for myself in this case: 

1) Photog would have some snappy comeback since she apparently seems to believe that she has some sort of superiority here (with comments like "you only get one family"). Cool thanks for letting me know. 

2) Photog will also run and tell my sister

3) My sister and photog will combine their powers of bitchery to blow this up into me once again being the evil villain and they are the delicate little victims 

4) Evil sister will then use that as fuel to run to my mother and tell her again what a terrible person I am 

5) I then receive a long sobby email and/or text from said mother, guilt-tripping me and being very theatrical about the whole thing, while very poorly concealing her favoritism for Evil sister and her lies. 

I've been to this rodeo before.  

You know that you don't have to read or respond to these people's emails, right? The correct response when your mother comes back to you to triangulate your sister/ex-photog's responses is: "Oh, that isn't up for discussion."

Mom: But your sister told me that you were SO rude to Ex-photog!

You: I am sorry, but I'm not discussing this with you.

Mom: How dare you, I'm your mother!

You: And I love you, but this is not a topic that's open for discussion. How is your book club going?

Mom: I just can't believe you're such a villain, blah blah

You: Okay, I can see that this is upsetting for you. I'll come back when you're ready to talk about something else. [Exit Novella]

This is what people mean when they say "set boundaries." It means you don't have to stand there and take it when people yell at you. It means you get to decide which communications you're open to receiving. It means that you can cut the floor right out of the dysfunctional communication triangle by simply refusing to engage with it.

It will take practice, but please don't sell yourself short (or decline to stick up for yourself) because it's "easier" to let the dysfunctional people rail at you. Easier for whom? It's eating you up inside, so stop seeing that as the "easy" response, and start practicing your calmest: "I'm not going to discuss Sister with you, Mom."

You're right. It's still a new concept for me! When my mom tries to guilt-trip me I feel like I'm somehow required to discuss with her or explain things. When my sister runs around playing the victim, I feel like I have to defend myself and tell my side of the story, because I can't stand the way she portrays me. It is better to just not engage them. Definitely something I need to work on going forward. 

You are going to feel SO POWERFUL when you start making a habit of this.

I mean, don't get me wrong. The first time will be scary as fuck and you may very well shake or burst into tears, but that doesn't mean you're doing it wrong! It just takes some time. I believe in you, dammit! You can do this.

ohannabelle

KatieinBkln said:

novella1186 said:

KatieinBkln said:

novella1186 said:

I was really tempted to email the photog back and let her know how I felt about all her sanctimonious scolding and attitude, along with her total lack of professionalism (in her email she mentioned how professional she is, in case I forgot to mention that) but I've decided to just ignore her and let her sail off into the sunset to Bitch Land where my sister is waiting for her. 

Here's what would happen if I tried to stand up for myself in this case: 

1) Photog would have some snappy comeback since she apparently seems to believe that she has some sort of superiority here (with comments like "you only get one family"). Cool thanks for letting me know. 

2) Photog will also run and tell my sister

3) My sister and photog will combine their powers of bitchery to blow this up into me once again being the evil villain and they are the delicate little victims 

4) Evil sister will then use that as fuel to run to my mother and tell her again what a terrible person I am 

5) I then receive a long sobby email and/or text from said mother, guilt-tripping me and being very theatrical about the whole thing, while very poorly concealing her favoritism for Evil sister and her lies. 

I've been to this rodeo before.  

You know that you don't have to read or respond to these people's emails, right? The correct response when your mother comes back to you to triangulate your sister/ex-photog's responses is: "Oh, that isn't up for discussion."

Mom: But your sister told me that you were SO rude to Ex-photog!

You: I am sorry, but I'm not discussing this with you.

Mom: How dare you, I'm your mother!

You: And I love you, but this is not a topic that's open for discussion. How is your book club going?

Mom: I just can't believe you're such a villain, blah blah

You: Okay, I can see that this is upsetting for you. I'll come back when you're ready to talk about something else. [Exit Novella]

This is what people mean when they say "set boundaries." It means you don't have to stand there and take it when people yell at you. It means you get to decide which communications you're open to receiving. It means that you can cut the floor right out of the dysfunctional communication triangle by simply refusing to engage with it.

It will take practice, but please don't sell yourself short (or decline to stick up for yourself) because it's "easier" to let the dysfunctional people rail at you. Easier for whom? It's eating you up inside, so stop seeing that as the "easy" response, and start practicing your calmest: "I'm not going to discuss Sister with you, Mom."

You're right. It's still a new concept for me! When my mom tries to guilt-trip me I feel like I'm somehow required to discuss with her or explain things. When my sister runs around playing the victim, I feel like I have to defend myself and tell my side of the story, because I can't stand the way she portrays me. It is better to just not engage them. Definitely something I need to work on going forward. 

You are going to feel SO POWERFUL when you start making a habit of this.

I mean, don't get me wrong. The first time will be scary as fuck and you may very well shake or burst into tears, but that doesn't mean you're doing it wrong! It just takes some time. I believe in you, dammit! You can do this.

QFT.

This is exactly what I mean when I say (probably waaaay too often) that you can't control anybody's behavior. You can only control how you react. And yep, sometimes that means saying, I'm sorry if this upsets you, but I'm not going to listen to any more of it. And if it doesn't stop, I take myself out of the room. As my Grandma says, they can get happy in the same goddamned chair they got sad in. 

Drama queens are in it for the reactions. If the reaction is losing their audience, they stop. Maybe not immediately, but not your problem, because you're already driving home feeling powerful. 

jdluvr06

Fuck all these people. Novella don't waste any more of your energy on these people.

flyingfoxes

novella1186 said:

I was really tempted to email the photog back and let her know how I felt about all her sanctimonious scolding and attitude, along with her total lack of professionalism (in her email she mentioned how professional she is, in case I forgot to mention that) but I've decided to just ignore her and let her sail off into the sunset to Bitch Land where my sister is waiting for her. 

Here's what would happen if I tried to stand up for myself in this case: 

1) Photog would have some snappy comeback since she apparently seems to believe that she has some sort of superiority here (with comments like "you only get one family"). Cool thanks for letting me know. 

2) Photog will also run and tell my sister

3) My sister and photog will combine their powers of bitchery to blow this up into me once again being the evil villain and they are the delicate little victims 

4) Evil sister will then use that as fuel to run to my mother and tell her again what a terrible person I am 

5) I then receive a long sobby email and/or text from said mother, guilt-tripping me and being very theatrical about the whole thing, while very poorly concealing her favoritism for Evil sister and her lies. 

I've been to this rodeo before.  

I'm circling back around on this after Burger King pissed me off over lunch so I'm ragey - but professional?  Give me a fucking break - professional is the LAST THING this person should get to claim - she's letting a personal relationship run how she deals with you - A PAYING CLIENT. 

These people in your life truly suck, OP.  I hope you get to that stage where you are able to stand up for yourself and get all of those good feelings of knowing nobody gets to shit on you any more. 

goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826

These people arent worth the agro.

I don't get the guilt-tripping and butthurt.  "I FIRED HER.  The answer is NO!  MOVE ON!"  I get so annoyed with guilt trippers.  But then again, my heart is a shrivelled up raisin...and I HATE raisins.

Sometimes I wish you could fire family too.  Oh wait, you totally can.

Kauris

Years ago, my therapist gave me a list of things I had a right to, I'm going to paste it here and hope it helps you set safe and assertive boundaries with these people.

1. You have the right to ask for what You want.
   
2. You have the right to say no to requests or demands You can’t meet.
   
3. You have the right to express Your feelings, positive or negative.
   
4. You have the right to change Your mind.
   
5. You have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect.
   
6. You have the right to determine Your own priorities.
   
7. You have the right not to be responsible for others’ behavior, actions feelings, or problems.
   
8. You have the right to expect honesty from others.
   
9. You have the right to be angry at someone You love.
   
10. You have the right to feel scared and say “I’m afraid.”
    
11. You have the right not to give reasons for Your behavior.
    
12. You have the right to make decisions based on Your feelings.
    
13. You have the right to Your own needs for personal time.
    
14. You have the right to be playful and frivolous.
    
15. You have the right to be healthier than those around you.
    
16. You have the right to be in a non abusive environment.
    
17. You have the right to make friends and be comfortable around people.

flyingfoxes

And her comment about only have "one" family - bullshit.  Tell that to people who have no biological relatives left and have made their own families.  People that love and care about you are your family.

LadyMillil

Late to the party but I wanted to add that I cut my BSC sis out of my life last year. She is emotionally abusive, manipulative and the most selfish person I've ever met. She spins things so my parents take her side and ask me why I'm being such a bitch to her. I do not engage with them in this. I actually stopped talking to them for a few weeks last year because they took her side and believed the horrible things sis was saying about me. They eventually realized that they would lose me if they kept believing her when what she said went against everything they know about me. As for sis, I was so stressed out, angry and frustrated all the time when dealing with her. It had a huge negative impact on my life and was affecting my relationship with DH and distracting me at work which almost cost me my teaching job. After a particularly nasty email email from sis I was so angry I could barely function. I wrote her an email back. It described every single thing she had done recently that was rude, inconsiderate and selfish. It described every single thing she had done for the past 20 years that had hurt me and it ended with a comment about sharing DNA didn't make someone family. I never sent the email. I haven't talked to her since she sent her nasty email. Writing that email to her helped me release all those pent up feelings I had about her. It was like locking the door on our relationship and I felt like a huge burden had been removed from my life. I'm so sorry you are going through these family issues and I hope things improve for you.