Advice on MOB and Venue

Knottie44537865

Long time lurker, new member here that could really use some advice. Backstory is my Dad is paying for the wedding (he and mom and married, but have a rocky relationship and keep their money separate). When we first got engaged we asked my parents and FILs for guest lists, came up with our own, talked budget with Dad before looking at venues. My mom would not give a guest list no matter how many times we asked. The other lists totaled around 100 and we asked repeatedly if my mom would need 100, 200, how ever many she would need so we could start looking. Well she said 100-125 would be fine, and she and Dad helped us find a venue that would hold 225 comfortably with vendors, that they absolutely loved and was well within budget. Here's the problem, after we signed contracts and put down deposits she comes up with a guest list of around 200, many people we don't even know. We convinced her to narrow it down a bit and we got to 240 total (all lists) and sent save the dates. However, now every time we talk about anything related to the wedding she brings up how unhappy she is she couldn't invite everyone that she wanted to, that the room is too small, and that she is upset she had to cut people off the list. She's unhappy we want an adult reception and is hinting that she will tell people they can bring their children even though STDs were addressed only to the adults and we did not include children in the final count. How do I handle this? I can't keep having the same conversation with her about how she wants to invite everyone that she wants. We've offered to look for another venue, but my dad refuses because he loves what we all together picked out. How do I get to see she's missing all the other planning she wants to be a part of because she's hung up on this? I don't want to have this affect our relationship in the future but I am getting so frustrated at havinag her bring this up every time we have to talk about something wedding related. I would love any advice you wise women have.

AddieCake

I would straight up tell her, "Mom, we asked you multiple times for a list. You finally gave us one, and we finalized the guest list and venue. We have tried to be accommodating, but we can't please everyone over everything.  You can either sulk about not speaking up when we asked you to, or accept the plans that are being made and be a part of them.  If you tell people they can bring their children, you will be very embarrassed when YOU have to contact them and tell them otherwise or when there are not enough seats or food for them b/c of YOUR mistake. Dad is paying for this wedding, and he has agreed to our no kids plans." 

Jen4948

You can tell her, "Mom, when we asked you for a guest list, as we did repeatedly, that was the time to tell us about all the people you want to invite-not after the venue was chosen and deposits made. It's too late now to add anyone, including children, to the guest list. Sulking and giving ultimatums aboit adding extra people are not helpful."

jnissa

Honestly can you punt to your dad a little bit on this one? It's his money - and he's probably more used to dealing with her in moments like this. Plus, it might be important her for you and your dad to look like a united front. 

Knottie44537865

Thanks ladies, that's helpful. I was a bit worried about having such a frank conversation with her given, "he who pays has a say". I was hoping that giving her a time to have a say and she didn't do it, was all right. I don't want to come off as bridezilla about getting my way with no kids, and the venue, but it is important to FI and I thought we had all agreed. My dad is pretty frustrated with her on this as well. She brings it up with him all the time and then he calls me to tell me know upset she is and how frustrated he is. Kind of a mess all around. Maybe it's time to have a "come to Jesus" moment?

BrandNewJ

My FFIL gave us a list of over 60 people. My dad is paying for the entire thing. If we could've invited all 60, we would have, but our venue has a max capacity, as all venues do.

My FI and I went through all 6 lists (mine,his, my mom, my dad, his mom and his dad) and we got rid of people who we don't know. We then went back to the parents and explained that everyone is compromising with the list. It took his parents a few days to understand that we can't invite everyone. It was a serious pain trying to explain why FFIL's 3rd cousin from Russia isn't invited. 

Eventually everyone got over it because they realized 1. They weren't paying for it and frankly don't want to (my dad did get his whole list, but mostly because it was only 6 people) and 2. Even he and I didn't get to invite everyone we wanted. 

Can you and your FI go through her obscene list and cut who don't know? You can just tell her that she said 100-125, but gave you a list of 200, so you helped her cut it down. 

If she continues with this kid thing though throughout the entire planning process, I'd warn your DOC of what she's planning and figure out a way to stop it. It's not her choice to invite children to your wedding. 

NYCMercedes

Knottie44537865 said:

Thanks ladies, that's helpful. I was a bit worried about having such a frank conversation with her given, "he who pays has a say". I was hoping that giving her a time to have a say and she didn't do it, was all right. I don't want to come off as bridezilla about getting my way with no kids, and the venue, but it is important to FI and I thought we had all agreed. My dad is pretty frustrated with her on this as well. She brings it up with him all the time and then he calls me to tell me know upset she is and how frustrated he is. Kind of a mess all around. Maybe it's time to have a "come to Jesus" moment?

Can you ask him to deal with his wife and not unburden himself to you? I can't imagine myself venting to my kids about my frustrations with my H. Seems a little immature on his part. I suggest you refuse to engage him when he brings it up.

Knottie44537865

Thanks everyone. We did get her to cut the list, but now she's on this kid thing, and recently started saying she is going to start a B list (so not going to happen!) for when we get RSVPs back. I think you're all right, I need to stand up to her, just hoping for a tactful way to do it without having our relationship get any more tense. And I agree about not engaging my dad when he complains, although it does tend to be more "FYI your mother got upset about this again, heads up for when she calls later today", or he wants to double check with me that I didn't actually tell her it was OK to had "so in so's" kids.

Jen4948

Knottie44537865 said:

Thanks everyone. We did get her to cut the list, but now she's on this kid thing, and recently started saying she is going to start a B list (so not going to happen!) for when we get RSVPs back. I think you're all right, I need to stand up to her, just hoping for a tactful way to do it without having our relationship get any more tense. And I agree about not engaging my dad when he complains, although it does tend to be more "FYI your mother got upset about this again, heads up for when she calls later today", or he wants to double check with me that I didn't actually tell her it was OK to had "so in so's" kids.

Maybe you should ask your dad not to pass on any more complaints from your mother about the guest list: "Dad, we asked Mom several times for a guest list so we could figure out the funding we'd need, and she kept refusing to provide it, so we had to make our final decisions without her input.  Now it's too late to add any more people to the guest list.  We've heard her complain about it so many times that I have to declare the subject closed.  I respectfully ask you not to pass on to us any more of Mom's complaints."

MobKaz

Jen4948 said:

Knottie44537865 said:

Thanks everyone. We did get her to cut the list, but now she's on this kid thing, and recently started saying she is going to start a B list (so not going to happen!) for when we get RSVPs back. I think you're all right, I need to stand up to her, just hoping for a tactful way to do it without having our relationship get any more tense. And I agree about not engaging my dad when he complains, although it does tend to be more "FYI your mother got upset about this again, heads up for when she calls later today", or he wants to double check with me that I didn't actually tell her it was OK to had "so in so's" kids.

Maybe you should ask your dad not to pass on any more complaints from your mother about the guest list: "Dad, we asked Mom several times for a guest list so we could figure out the funding we'd need, and she kept refusing to provide it, so we had to make our final decisions without her input.  Now it's too late to add any more people to the guest list.  We've heard her complain about it so many times that I have to declare the subject closed.  I respectfully ask you not to pass on to us any more of Mom's complaints."

Arrange for the RSVP's to be sent to you. Do not leave any unused invitations in her home. Your mother does not need to know who, or how many people declined until it is time for the final count. By then it will be too late to send out invitations.

lyndausvi

Sometimes the only way to get through to a person is being direct and frank.  Even if it's your mom.

The whole bean dip thing does not work for everyone.

Sorry.

APDSS22

PP are right, your mom can't B list if she doesn't know who has sent in which response to you regarding their invitation.  Try to shut down any talk about children or other guests.  The guest list is closed.  There will be no more discussion because it is closed.  "But what about..." No, it's a closed subject.

If people try to RSVP with their children who were not invited, you will have to make some phone calls.  They might say your mother told them it was okay.  You will then have to say she was mistaken, there were no invitations extended to children.  You're sorry and you hope Mr. and Mrs. Momsfriend will still be able to make it.  It will suck, but everyone has had to make those awkward phone calls at one point or another.  Good luck.

00kim00

I think you probably should at least look at new venues now as it is... You said your venue fits 224 including vendors. If you have only a photographer and dj as vendors, then add in yourself and your fiancé, you have space for 220 guests, max (fewer if you have more vendors). You've already sent save the dates to 240, so you need at least 20 people to decline to fit into your space. Many people have been surprised by 100% attendance. What's your plan if that happens?

BrandNewJ

MobKaz said:

Jen4948 said:

Knottie44537865 said:

Thanks everyone. We did get her to cut the list, but now she's on this kid thing, and recently started saying she is going to start a B list (so not going to happen!) for when we get RSVPs back. I think you're all right, I need to stand up to her, just hoping for a tactful way to do it without having our relationship get any more tense. And I agree about not engaging my dad when he complains, although it does tend to be more "FYI your mother got upset about this again, heads up for when she calls later today", or he wants to double check with me that I didn't actually tell her it was OK to had "so in so's" kids.

Maybe you should ask your dad not to pass on any more complaints from your mother about the guest list: "Dad, we asked Mom several times for a guest list so we could figure out the funding we'd need, and she kept refusing to provide it, so we had to make our final decisions without her input.  Now it's too late to add any more people to the guest list.  We've heard her complain about it so many times that I have to declare the subject closed.  I respectfully ask you not to pass on to us any more of Mom's complaints."

Arrange for the RSVP's to be sent to you. Do not leave any unused invitations in her home. Your mother does not need to know who, or how many people declined until it is time for the final count. By then it will be too late to send out invitations.

Yes! Have the RSVP's sent to you.

redoryx

Knottie44537865 said:

Long time lurker, new member here that could really use some advice. Backstory is my Dad is paying for the wedding (he and mom and married, but have a rocky relationship and keep their money separate). When we first got engaged we asked my parents and FILs for guest lists, came up with our own, talked budget with Dad before looking at venues. My mom would not give a guest list no matter how many times we asked. The other lists totaled around 100 and we asked repeatedly if my mom would need 100, 200, how ever many she would need so we could start looking. Well she said 100-125 would be fine, and she and Dad helped us find a venue that would hold 225 comfortably with vendors, that they absolutely loved and was well within budget. Here's the problem, after we signed contracts and put down deposits she comes up with a guest list of around 200, many people we don't even know. We convinced her to narrow it down a bit and we got to 240 total (all lists) and sent save the dates. However, now every time we talk about anything related to the wedding she brings up how unhappy she is she couldn't invite everyone that she wanted to, that the room is too small, and that she is upset she had to cut people off the list. She's unhappy we want an adult reception and is hinting that she will tell people they can bring their children even though STDs were addressed only to the adults and we did not include children in the final count. How do I handle this? I can't keep having the same conversation with her about how she wants to invite everyone that she wants. We've offered to look for another venue, but my dad refuses because he loves what we all together picked out. How do I get to see she's missing all the other planning she wants to be a part of because she's hung up on this? I don't want to have this affect our relationship in the future but I am getting so frustrated at havinag her bring this up every time we have to talk about something wedding related. I would love any advice you wise women have.

Be honest: contracts and deposits are a done deal and you already have a guest list bigger than the venue maximum so you physically are unable to accommodate anymore people. Rinse and repeat. 

Out of curiosity, what is the plan if all 240 guests plan on attending?

Knottie44537865

So the 240 does include us, BP, all vendors ( they were on "my" list). It also includes courtesy invites (roughly 10) we know are not coming (they have confirmed as much), and plus ones for truly single friends that have since told us they don't want to bring anyone. I know this might still be a problem, and the venue has said we can fit an extra table if we need but 225 is what they suggest. That's the plan if we get 100%. I like the idea of having RSVPs sent to me and keeping all the invitations, thank you!

short+sassy

I'm still reeling over her being upset at having to cut down HER guest list...just hers...down from 200 to 125.  If you read these boards enough, I think most MOBs or MOGs would be dancing jigs to have an invite list of 125 just for them.