I'm confused and hurt and possibly over reacting?

DaniBites

Hi all,

So from some other posts some of you may know I've been having a run in with my FSIL about one particular aspect of the wedding.  Over the weekend I asked my FI if I could see his most recent conversation with her regarding it to make sure he and I were on the same page.  Turns out they hardly even talked about the issue, instead I got to read all these texts about how my bridesmaids and I don't know what the fuck we're doing, how me asking them to order the dresses online was 'the stupidest thing she had ever heard', and how much she has helped by looking for a place that sells the dress (which I didn't ask or want her to do but I thanked her and said I'd look into it) and how "the fucking maid of honor should be doing it".  So I'm hurt and insulted that she was so nasty about me and the other bridesmaids, but I think I could get over it if it wasn't for the next part...

My FI told her that we aren't having a conventional wedding, it may be a cocktail reception and we're not doing parent dances.

She ripped it apart and snarked about how we 'are making such a GREAT family environment' by not doing parent dances.  FI has a mom and step mom, and he's not comfortable just dancing with mom and offending his step mom or dancing with both and offending mom, so it works out for him but it's really for my benefit since I just lost my dad.  I don't know what she expects me to do.  I'm having my godfather walk me down the aisle but I can't handle a dance.  If FI really wanted to dance with his mom I wouldn't have a problem with it, but this seems to be the easiest solution all around and I don't know why she would be so nasty about it.

At this point I don't know if I should suck it up and forget it or tell FI how much her comments upset me.  I really don't want her in my bridal party, she brought all the dress shopping to a grinding halt and has had something unproductive to say about every aspect of the wedding she has found out about.  But it's too late, I'd never unask her and put that strain on my relationship with her; not to mention her relationship with FI.  I just don't know where to go from here.

Any advise is appreciated and thanks for reading  

Maggie0829

DaniBites said:

Hi all,

So from some other posts some of you may know I've been having a run in with my FSIL about one particular aspect of the wedding.  Over the weekend I asked my FI if I could see his most recent conversation with her regarding it to make sure he and I were on the same page.  Turns out they hardly even talked about the issue, instead I got to read all these texts about how my bridesmaids and I don't know what the fuck we're doing, how me asking them to order the dresses online was 'the stupidest thing she had ever heard', and how much she has helped by looking for a place that sells the dress (which I didn't ask or want her to do but I thanked her and said I'd look into it) and how "the fucking maid of honor should be doing it".  So I'm hurt and insulted that she was so nasty about me and the other bridesmaids, but I think I could get over it if it wasn't for the next part...

My FI told her that we aren't having a conventional wedding, it may be a cocktail reception and we're not doing parent dances.

She ripped it apart and snarked about how we 'are making such a GREAT family environment' by not doing parent dances.  FI has a mom and step mom, and he's not comfortable just dancing with mom and offending his step mom or dancing with both and offending mom, so it works out for him but it's really for my benefit since I just lost my dad.  I don't know what she expects me to do.  I'm having my godfather walk me down the aisle but I can't handle a dance.  If FI really wanted to dance with his mom I wouldn't have a problem with it, but this seems to be the easiest solution all around and I don't know why she would be so nasty about it.

At this point I don't know if I should suck it up and forget it or tell FI how much her comments upset me.  I really don't want her in my bridal party, she brought all the dress shopping to a grinding halt and has had something unproductive to say about every aspect of the wedding she has found out about.  But it's too late, I'd never unask her and put that strain on my relationship with her; not to mention her relationship with FI.  I just don't know where to go from here.

Any advise is appreciated and thanks for reading  

What did your FI say to his sister after all her nasty and bitchy remarks?  How and if he stands up for you is more important then how you should handle her.  Why did you ask her to be a part of your wedding party to begin with?

Honestly, you need to talk to your FI and tell him to no longer share information about the wedding with his sister since she basically just tears your ideas to shreds.  And since your FI showed you the texts then I would be honest with him about how you feel about her comments.

Be cordial when you are around her but other then that I would keep her at a distance and let your FI deal with her from now on.

theartistformerlyknownas

DaniBites said:

Hi all,

So from some other posts some of you may know I've been having a run in with my FSIL about one particular aspect of the wedding.  Over the weekend I asked my FI if I could see his most recent conversation with her regarding it to make sure he and I were on the same page.  Turns out they hardly even talked about the issue, instead I got to read all these texts about how my bridesmaids and I don't know what the fuck we're doing, how me asking them to order the dresses online was 'the stupidest thing she had ever heard', and how much she has helped by looking for a place that sells the dress (which I didn't ask or want her to do but I thanked her and said I'd look into it) and how "the fucking maid of honor should be doing it".  So I'm hurt and insulted that she was so nasty about me and the other bridesmaids, but I think I could get over it if it wasn't for the next part...

My FI told her that we aren't having a conventional wedding, it may be a cocktail reception and we're not doing parent dances.

She ripped it apart and snarked about how we 'are making such a GREAT family environment' by not doing parent dances.  FI has a mom and step mom, and he's not comfortable just dancing with mom and offending his step mom or dancing with both and offending mom, so it works out for him but it's really for my benefit since I just lost my dad.  I don't know what she expects me to do.  I'm having my godfather walk me down the aisle but I can't handle a dance.  If FI really wanted to dance with his mom I wouldn't have a problem with it, but this seems to be the easiest solution all around and I don't know why she would be so nasty about it.

At this point I don't know if I should suck it up and forget it or tell FI how much her comments upset me.  I really don't want her in my bridal party, she brought all the dress shopping to a grinding halt and has had something unproductive to say about every aspect of the wedding she has found out about.  But it's too late, I'd never unask her and put that strain on my relationship with her; not to mention her relationship with FI.  I just don't know where to go from here.

Any advise is appreciated and thanks for reading  

Well for starters, I don't think you should have read their texts but that ship has sailed. However, it's still not your issue to handle with FSIL. This is between your FI and his sister, and he should have had your back and defended the choices you both have made. "Sister, Dani and I have made our decisions and they're not up for discussion. Have you tried Trader Joe's bean dip? It's great." 

Sidebar, the MOH doesn't have responsibilities regarding helping BMs find their dresses. If FSIL wants to order her dress at a store rather than a website, that's her own damn choice. She's an adult. The other BMs can do the same. That being said, I hope the site you directed them to is not a scammy Chinese knock-off site.

I really do think you should let her comments go as much as you can though, and stop giving her any more wedding details. What do you care if she thinks you're doing a crappy job? As long as you're following etiquette, her opinion on your choices means nothing. She can hate what you're doing all damn day, as she stands in her dress with a (fake) smile on. That's her only responsibility.

novella1186

I think you were out of line by making your FI show you his private convo between him and his sister. What they talk about privately is none of your business, even if it pertains to your wedding. You're asking for trouble, which is proven by the fact that if you hadn't read through his texts, you wouldn't have seen her negative comments and then you wouldn't be upset about it. 

She seems to have some very strong opinions and isn't afraid to express them, and yes she's being pretty rude. But some people are just like that. I'd say ignore her. Her shitty opinions don't matter because it's not her wedding, and what she thinks is not going to have any impact at all on your day. She can hate the idea of ordering dresses online, but is her hatred of that idea going to make your wedding any less special? Nope. 

Maybe you and your FI need to stop discussing wedding stuff with her if she's just going to be nasty about it. I can totally understand you being hurt by her negativity, but again, just keep some distance and then she won't even have the opportunity to hurt you. 

sarawifenow

Maggie0829 said:

DaniBites said:

Hi all,

So from some other posts some of you may know I've been having a run in with my FSIL about one particular aspect of the wedding.  Over the weekend I asked my FI if I could see his most recent conversation with her regarding it to make sure he and I were on the same page.  Turns out they hardly even talked about the issue, instead I got to read all these texts about how my bridesmaids and I don't know what the fuck we're doing, how me asking them to order the dresses online was 'the stupidest thing she had ever heard', and how much she has helped by looking for a place that sells the dress (which I didn't ask or want her to do but I thanked her and said I'd look into it) and how "the fucking maid of honor should be doing it".  So I'm hurt and insulted that she was so nasty about me and the other bridesmaids, but I think I could get over it if it wasn't for the next part...

My FI told her that we aren't having a conventional wedding, it may be a cocktail reception and we're not doing parent dances.

She ripped it apart and snarked about how we 'are making such a GREAT family environment' by not doing parent dances.  FI has a mom and step mom, and he's not comfortable just dancing with mom and offending his step mom or dancing with both and offending mom, so it works out for him but it's really for my benefit since I just lost my dad.  I don't know what she expects me to do.  I'm having my godfather walk me down the aisle but I can't handle a dance.  If FI really wanted to dance with his mom I wouldn't have a problem with it, but this seems to be the easiest solution all around and I don't know why she would be so nasty about it.

At this point I don't know if I should suck it up and forget it or tell FI how much her comments upset me.  I really don't want her in my bridal party, she brought all the dress shopping to a grinding halt and has had something unproductive to say about every aspect of the wedding she has found out about.  But it's too late, I'd never unask her and put that strain on my relationship with her; not to mention her relationship with FI.  I just don't know where to go from here.

Any advise is appreciated and thanks for reading  

What did your FI say to his sister after all her nasty and bitchy remarks?  How and if he stands up for you is more important then how you should handle her.  Why did you ask her to be a part of your wedding party to begin with?

Honestly, you need to talk to your FI and tell him to no longer share information about the wedding with his sister since she basically just tears your ideas to shreds.  And since your FI showed you the texts then I would be honest with him about how you feel about her comments.

Be cordial when you are around her but other then that I would keep her at a distance and let your FI deal with her from now on.

This. Also, I don't really understand why your FI had you read those texts. If somebody was being so nasty about my H, I would nip it in the bud, but wouldn't feel the need to show H every last hurtful word that was being said about him.

climbingsingle

Why is your FI even sharing any details of the wedding with her? 

lacqueredlover

Well first of all, stop reading your fiance's texts with his sister.  Honestly all this back and forth and going through other people just isn't the way to handle things like this.  I hope he at least told her to back off but either way, their conversations are none of your business.

That all being said, both you and your fiance should STOP talking to her about the wedding.  Your wedding plans are your business, not hers.  She can't be a bitch or snarky about things she has no idea about.  So talk to your fiance and tell him that you would prefer if you both didn't talk to her about it anymore.  As long as she just shows up in the dress on the wedding day, that's the only thing she needs to (and should) do at this point.

It sucks that she's being an asshole but you just have to try to not let it get to you.  Ignore, ignore, ignore and just don't share details with her anymore.

DaniBites

I don't think he realized they would upset me that much...if he did he would have said no and I would have respected it.

I was uneasy putting her in the bridal party because I've heard from people close to her she is a control freak and always makes it about her, but FI asked me to include her and I didn't have any personal reasons to say no. I regret it to the maximum, we could have avoided so much bs.

I'm not going to share anything with her going forward and I'll ask FI to do the same, but anything bridal party related is going to be a PITA.

novella1186

DaniBites said:

I don't think he realized they would upset me that much...if he did he would have said no and I would have respected it.

I was uneasy putting her in the bridal party because I've heard from people close to her she is a control freak and always makes it about her, but FI asked me to include her and I didn't have any personal reasons to say no. I regret it to the maximum, we could have avoided so much bs.

I'm not going to share anything with her going forward and I'll ask FI to do the same, but anything bridal party related is going to be a PITA.

Let me tell you an important lesson I just learned about dealing with my own BSC sister: DON'T ENGAGE IN IT! 

Can you leave her out of bridal party stuff? No. Can you control what she says about you? No. But when she gets nasty, you can ignore her. Don't argue, don't get defensive, don't try to explain yourself, don't even waste time feeling bad about it. The shit she says is her own shitty opinion and has nothing to do with you. Just. Don't. Engage. 

esstee33

PPs have it well-covered. There is absolutely no reason to discuss any wedding details with her. All she's going to do is be a hag about it and tear apart your ideas, so stop giving her fuel to do so. 

Tell her what dress you've chosen (after determining budgets, of course) and leave it at that. If she wants to go to a store to get it, she can just knock herself right out doing so. 

lacqueredlover

You literally dont' need to do anything with her about the bridal party.  As long as she has the date and time to show up for pictures and the outfit to wear, that's it.  Things like the bachelorette, bridal shower, etc. isn't your responsibility, it's the people's planning it. You can keep your distance and hopefully your fiance will respect your wishes and do the same.  This woman thrives off the drama so stop giving her what she wants.

And for the record, just don't ask to see other people's text messages.  Or emails.  Or anything else that wasn't directly sent to you.  It will only serve to cause problems.

climbingsingle

Isn't this the girl that told your FI that she thinks you're a gold digger? I still don't understand why after knowing that, you asked her. 

Stop telling her about anything wedding related. If she complains to your FI, tell him you'd rather not know. You've already asked her to be in your wedding. Do not kick her out. She's your FI's sister, and chances are, she's not going anywhere. It will cause further drama. Just rise above it. Move on. 

DaniBites

ClimbingBride I think I know the post you're talking about, that wasn't me  

climbingsingle

DaniBites said:

ClimbingBride I think I know the post you're talking about, that wasn't me  

Sorry!!! Totally confused you with someone else. 

climbingsingle

However, my advice still stands. 

doeydo

DaniBites said:

I don't think he realized they would upset me that much...if he did he would have said no and I would have respected it.

I was uneasy putting her in the bridal party because I've heard from people close to her she is a control freak and always makes it about her, but FI asked me to include her and I didn't have any personal reasons to say no. I regret it to the maximum, we could have avoided so much bs.

I'm not going to share anything with her going forward and I'll ask FI to do the same, but anything bridal party related is going to be a PITA.

The ship has already sailed, but if he wanted her in the wedding party then she should have been on his damn side.  He has zero say in who stands on your side and vice versa.

Maggie0829

If she has the dress and/or knows what dress to get and what time to be at the ceremony then you really have nothing else to relay to her.  If you are having a rehearsal/RD then your FI can tell his sister what time all that is taking place.

wandajune6

The PPs are correct. First off, you and your FI both need to stop sharing anything with her. Most importantly, your FI needs to put an end to this. He needs to tell her that she is being inappropriate with you and needs to treat you with more respect. This is where he needs to step up and take control over the situation.

blabla89

I think you need to talk with your FI about how it made you feel, not because her opinion about your wedding matters, but because your FI needs to have your back. I know that if my brother was talking that way about my wedding or my FI, I sure as hell wouldn't tolerate it or allow the conversation to continue.

I agree with the PPs that you need to make it clear that no more information about your wedding should be shared with her, and if she continues to act this way then your FI needs to be prepared to shut it down. Let her know that the subject is closed and then don't engage with her anymore.

holyguacamole79

lacqueredlover said:

You literally dont' need to do anything with her about the bridal party.  As long as she has the date and time to show up for pictures and the outfit to wear, that's it.  Things like the bachelorette, bridal shower, etc. isn't your responsibility, it's the people's planning it. You can keep your distance and hopefully your fiance will respect your wishes and do the same.  This woman thrives off the drama so stop giving her what she wants.

And for the record, just don't ask to see other people's text messages.  Or emails.  Or anything else that wasn't directly sent to you.  It will only serve to cause problems.

Yep.  If it was meant for you to see it, she would have sent it to you. 

Lurkers - take note.  You are under NO obligation to ask anyone on your FI's side to be in your bridal party.  Don't ask her because you want to "strengthen the relationship".  If you want to improve the relationship with her, go out for a drink.

novella1186

blabla89 said:

I think you need to talk with your FI about how it made you feel, not because her opinion about your wedding matters, but because your FI needs to have your back. I know that if my brother was talking that way about my wedding or my FI, I sure as hell wouldn't tolerate it or allow the conversation to continue.

I agree with the PPs that you need to make it clear that no more information about your wedding should be shared with her, and if she continues to act this way then your FI needs to be prepared to shut it down. Let her know that the subject is closed and then don't engage with her anymore.

Totally agree with this. Your FI should have your back. My sister was rude to my FI because she was mad at ME, and that's something I just will not tolerate. I understand that she and I have our issues, but FI has been nothing but nice to her. I made it clear that she can apologize to him or GTFO of our lives. She hasn't apologized so... 

I don't see why your FI would tolerate his sister making nasty comments about you. 

blabla89

novella1186 said:

blabla89 said:

I think you need to talk with your FI about how it made you feel, not because her opinion about your wedding matters, but because your FI needs to have your back. I know that if my brother was talking that way about my wedding or my FI, I sure as hell wouldn't tolerate it or allow the conversation to continue.

I agree with the PPs that you need to make it clear that no more information about your wedding should be shared with her, and if she continues to act this way then your FI needs to be prepared to shut it down. Let her know that the subject is closed and then don't engage with her anymore.

Totally agree with this. Your FI should have your back. My sister was rude to my FI because she was mad at ME, and that's something I just will not tolerate. I understand that she and I have our issues, but FI has been nothing but nice to her. I made it clear that she can apologize to him or GTFO of our lives. She hasn't apologized so... 

I don't see why your FI would tolerate his sister making nasty comments about you. 

Exactly. And I'm going to add to this, you need to talk with him about it because it sets a precedent. If FSIL gets the impression that it's okay for her to behave this way now, it's not going to change when you're married.

huskypuppy14

holyguacamole79 said:

lacqueredlover said:

You literally dont' need to do anything with her about the bridal party.  As long as she has the date and time to show up for pictures and the outfit to wear, that's it.  Things like the bachelorette, bridal shower, etc. isn't your responsibility, it's the people's planning it. You can keep your distance and hopefully your fiance will respect your wishes and do the same.  This woman thrives off the drama so stop giving her what she wants.

And for the record, just don't ask to see other people's text messages.  Or emails.  Or anything else that wasn't directly sent to you.  It will only serve to cause problems.

Yep.  If it was meant for you to see it, she would have sent it to you. 

Lurkers - take note.  You are under NO obligation to ask anyone on your FI's side to be in your bridal party.  Don't ask her because you want to "strengthen the relationship".  If you want to improve the relationship with her, go out for a drink.

This. Big font is truth.

NYCMercedes

Every post above is spot on. This is just to say that you and your FI made a great decision about eliminating the parent dances so just ignore any comments about that.

DaniBites

NYCMercedes said:

Every post above is spot on. This is just to say that you and your FI made a great decision about eliminating the parent dances so just ignore any comments about that.

I think her bitching about that is what got to me the most, so thank you so much for the reassurance on that.  I've been welling up at my desk all morning thinking about how she responded to it and how much I'd love to not have the parent dance problem at all.

holyguacamole79

DaniBites said:

NYCMercedes said:

Every post above is spot on. This is just to say that you and your FI made a great decision about eliminating the parent dances so just ignore any comments about that.

I think her bitching about that is what got to me the most, so thank you so much for the reassurance on that.  I've been welling up at my desk all morning thinking about how she responded to it and how much I'd love to not have the parent dance problem at all.

I just saw your ticker.  You have 10 months to go.  Minimize your contact with her as much as possible, or the next 10 months are gonna realllllly suck. 

beethery

I'm gonna come to you with some wisdom from RuPaul.

First off, you were not obligated to ask her to be in the bridal party to start with, but that ship is halfway round the world with no radio now so there's nothing you can do.

She's being a flaccid tiny peen. The best part about this though? It isn't her wedding to plan, and if she doesn't like what you guys are doing, she can blow it out her ass. The decisions aren't hers to make.

novella1186

beethery said:

I'm gonna come to you with some wisdom from RuPaul.

First off, you were not obligated to ask her to be in the bridal party to start with, but that ship is halfway round the world with no radio now so there's nothing you can do.

She's being a flaccid tiny peen. The best part about this though? It isn't her wedding to plan, and if she doesn't like what you guys are doing, she can blow it out her ass. The decisions aren't hers to make.

And here all this time I thought I was the only person who said peen! Haha 

lacqueredlover

beethery said:

I'm gonna come to you with some wisdom from RuPaul.

First off, you were not obligated to ask her to be in the bridal party to start with, but that ship is halfway round the world with no radio now so there's nothing you can do.

She's being a flaccid tiny peen. The best part about this though? It isn't her wedding to plan, and if she doesn't like what you guys are doing, she can blow it out her ass. The decisions aren't hers to make.

Ru speaks the truth.  Can I get an Amen?  

climbingsingle

beethery

lacqueredlover said:

Ru speaks the truth.  Can I get an Amen?