Moms and Maids

Bridesmaids on my last nerve!

My bridesmaids are driving me nuts!
A little back story: Where I live, when a couple is engaged we have a party called a Wedding Social, it's basically a fundraiser for the bride and groom where people buy a ticket to attend, buy tickets for drinks and buy tickets for raffle prizes. The social is usually organized by the bride and groom with help from the bridal party who are supposed to contribute their time as well as help sell tickets and donate a prize for the raffle. (If this concept confuses you, that's fine, it's a local thing, just so long as you get the jist of who's supposed to do what)
Anyway, so about a month before the social my MOH tells me she'll come for the last couple of hours because she is going to a hockey game...that's right, instead of helping, she's going to watch hockey, I wanted to flip, but I didn't. Next, about 2 weeks before the social one of my bridesmaids tells me she wont know until the day of if she'll be able to make it or not...ok, fine...THEN a different bridesmaid tells me 4 days before my social that she hasn't sold a single ticket and she didnt put together a prize...well, it was this point I had a nervous break down and cried for the better part of 2 hours because I couldn't believe how much my girls had let me down. 
So here I am wondering what to do...should I just let it be water under the bridge and hope they get better? or should I just kick everyone to the curb and find someone else to take their place?
I should also mention, it was a themed party and none of them dressed up and they barely helped all night when they were there.

What should I do?
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Re: Bridesmaids on my last nerve!

  • My bridesmaids are driving me nuts!
    A little back story: Where I live, when a couple is engaged we have a party called a Wedding Social, it's basically a fundraiser for the bride and groom where people buy a ticket to attend, buy tickets for drinks and buy tickets for raffle prizes. The social is usually organized by the bride and groom with help from the bridal party who are supposed to contribute their time as well as help sell tickets and donate a prize for the raffle. (If this concept confuses you, that's fine, it's a local thing, just so long as you get the jist of who's supposed to do what)
    Anyway, so about a month before the social my MOH tells me she'll come for the last couple of hours because she is going to a hockey game...that's right, instead of helping, she's going to watch hockey, I wanted to flip, but I didn't. Next, about 2 weeks before the social one of my bridesmaids tells me she wont know until the day of if she'll be able to make it or not...ok, fine...THEN a different bridesmaid tells me 4 days before my social that she hasn't sold a single ticket and she didnt put together a prize...well, it was this point I had a nervous break down and cried for the better part of 2 hours because I couldn't believe how much my girls had let me down. 
    So here I am wondering what to do...should I just let it be water under the bridge and hope they get better? or should I just kick everyone to the curb and find someone else to take their place?
    I should also mention, it was a themed party and none of them dressed up and they barely helped all night when they were there.

    What should I do?

    stuck in box. 

    Why did you need a fundraiser? what is your fundraiser for? did your maids offer to host a fundraiser on your behalf or did you expect them to?
    image

    [Deleted User]
  • 1. Most of the people who have lurked on the knot/ been on it for a while are now very familiar with what you are talking about. Wedding socials/ fundraisers are considered quite rude, and it doesn't matter where you are from or how often it is done.
     
    2. Bridesmaids and groomsmen do not have to do anything for the bride an groom other than show up to your wedding dressed and sober. It's definitely really nice when they offer to do more than that (plan a bachelorette party or shower, help with stuffing invitations), but you really can't expect them to. You can be super excited if they offer. That's it. You certainly can't expect them to devote time to your "wedding social." They have lives and obligations, and your wedding and the events surrounding it are just not as important to them as the things going on in their own lives. That's just how it is. Doesn't mean they aren't good friends, just means they aren't irresponsible/ weirdly obsessed with you.

    3. So, with the above two points in mind, you need to get over this. Enjoy planning your wedding, look forward to that day, but don't ruin your friendships or cause drama because your friends aren't living up to unrealistic expectations.
    [Deleted User]weddingcactusfwtx5815
  • speakeasy14speakeasy14 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited November 2014
    image

    As stated by PPs, even if it is considered normal, a fundraiser for your wedding is tacky.  And to expect your friends to drop their plans to raise money and get prizes is a bit ridiculous.  You need to lower your expectations of your bridal party.  The only ones who are expected to do anything for your wedding is you and your FI.  If anyone else volunteers, that is wonderful, but no one (not even parents) are expected to help you with your wedding.

    Also, your bridal party is supposed to be your nearest and dearest.  The fact that you have even considered kicking them out is astounding. 

    Side note: If was told to sell raffle tickets, create a prize, and show up in a costume to a party for one of my best friends, I would tell them I had other plans as well because clearly they do not think of me as a friend.
    image
    [Deleted User]
  • So, to clarify: These women who are supposed to be your nearest and dearest friends -- because that's what bridesmaids are, they are not party planners -- didn't contribute a prize to your raffle nor did they sell tickets to your raffle and didn't show up in costume to your themed party and because of all of this you want to kick them out and are now saying they let YOU down? 

    Right. Okay.
    image
    [Deleted User]
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its

    Your friends are trying to tell you something. They aren't responsible for helping you raise money to pay for your wedding. Your wedding is not a charity. Figure out what you and fi can afford to spend and plan accordingly. If you need more money, get a second job, have a tag sale or delay your wedding until you have enough money to host your guests properly.


                       
    [Deleted User]doeydo
  • dolewhipperdolewhipper [wh]orlando member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    Fundraisers are for charities. Weddings are for grownups.

    This. You are not a charity. 


    imageimage



    [Deleted User]yates2015Kaurisbridet0be15
  • amelishaamelisha Canadian Texas member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    Are you from Manitoba?

    I know that this "social" thing IS a thing there...but you don't have to do it just because some other people have. Your wedding is not a fundraiser and you should only be throwing a party you can afford without begging for stuff from your friends and family.

    More importantly, though...your wedding party is not supposed to do anything other than be there on the day, in the requested outfit, happy to stand next to you. They do not have to help with planning and organizing. They do not have to help decorate. They do not have to contribute financially in any way. They do not have to host any showers, parties, or socials. And nor should you expect them to. It is fine to accept help from your bridal party. It is not okay to expect it. 

    I'm hoping this is MUD, because I cannot believe you "cried for two hours" because one of your bridesmaids didn't spend her time and money on a prize for you to raffle off.

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    [Deleted User]Jen4948OliveOilsMom
  • Wait, you have a fundraiser for your wedding? 

    Who would buy a ticket to go to a party to celebrate your engagement?  And you expect people to help you with this?  And cried when they didn't?

    How old are you out of curiosity?  Because this is just awful.  Your bridesmaids are there to be your closest people and to wear the outfit you'd like them to (but hopefully take into account what they like and can afford too) and be there with you on your wedding day.  THAT'S IT.
    image


  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I would tell you the same thing as they did if I were expected to sell tickets to a fundraiser to "celebrate" someone's getting married.

    It's not my job.

    It's not anyone's job to sell tickets for you or come up with a prize.  It doesn't matter where you're from or how "expected" this is.  You aren't a charity, so you have no right to expect people to spend any money for you other than for your bridesmaids to acquire their dresses.

    Yes, you owe them all an apology for expecting this.
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    You should get over it and offer to buy them margaritas to apologize. And you should have two margaritas because you seriously need to relax.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    OliveOilsMomyates2015
  • Socials are definitely a Manitoba thing, and it's a foreign concept to people not from here. I go to them because drinks are cheaper than the bar, the tickets are less than cover charges to get into a bar, and the tacky dances are hilarious.

    That being said, my family pushed us to have one. I told them no because a) I had zero time to plan it and b) its just too stressful.

    It's a like a dollar dance - just because "everyone does one" doesn't make it right.

    Back to your issue about your bridal party - all they have to do is show up to the wedding, hopefully not drunk and preferably in the dress ya'll decided on.
    amelisha
  • My bridesmaids are driving me nuts!
    A little back story: Where I live, when a couple is engaged we have a party called a Wedding Social, it's basically a fundraiser for the bride and groom where people buy a ticket to attend, buy tickets for drinks and buy tickets for raffle prizes. The social is usually organized by the bride and groom with help from the bridal party who are supposed to contribute their time as well as help sell tickets and donate a prize for the raffle. (If this concept confuses you, that's fine, it's a local thing, just so long as you get the jist of who's supposed to do what)
    Anyway, so about a month before the social my MOH tells me she'll come for the last couple of hours because she is going to a hockey game...that's right, instead of helping, she's going to watch hockey, I wanted to flip, but I didn't. Next, about 2 weeks before the social one of my bridesmaids tells me she wont know until the day of if she'll be able to make it or not...ok, fine...THEN a different bridesmaid tells me 4 days before my social that she hasn't sold a single ticket and she didnt put together a prize...well, it was this point I had a nervous break down and cried for the better part of 2 hours because I couldn't believe how much my girls had let me down. 
    So here I am wondering what to do...should I just let it be water under the bridge and hope they get better? or should I just kick everyone to the curb and find someone else to take their place?
    I should also mention, it was a themed party and none of them dressed up and they barely helped all night when they were there.

    What should I do?
    image

    image

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    LittlePeachBlossom
  • I want this to be MUD so bad...
    lc07
  • My bridesmaids are driving me nuts!
    A little back story: Where I live, when a couple is engaged we have a party called a Wedding Social, it's basically a fundraiser for the bride and groom where people buy a ticket to attend, buy tickets for drinks and buy tickets for raffle prizes. The social is usually organized by the bride and groom with help from the bridal party who are supposed to contribute their time as well as help sell tickets and donate a prize for the raffle. (If this concept confuses you, that's fine, it's a local thing, just so long as you get the jist of who's supposed to do what)
    Anyway, so about a month before the social my MOH tells me she'll come for the last couple of hours because she is going to a hockey game...that's right, instead of helping, she's going to watch hockey, I wanted to flip, but I didn't. Next, about 2 weeks before the social one of my bridesmaids tells me she wont know until the day of if she'll be able to make it or not...ok, fine...THEN a different bridesmaid tells me 4 days before my social that she hasn't sold a single ticket and she didnt put together a prize...well, it was this point I had a nervous break down and cried for the better part of 2 hours because I couldn't believe how much my girls had let me down. 
    So here I am wondering what to do...should I just let it be water under the bridge and hope they get better? or should I just kick everyone to the curb and find someone else to take their place?
    I should also mention, it was a themed party and none of them dressed up and they barely helped all night when they were there.

    What should I do?
    You should apologize to everyone for being a bridezilla and plan a wedding you can afford.
  • Wait... I thought she was joking... is this post for real?? It can't be... can it??  Never in my life have I seen or heard of anything like this NOR would I go to one... So I'm paying you to pay for me to come to the wedding" Shit just charge at the door. (joking)
    lc07
  • sarahuflsarahufl New York member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    So you live in Tackytown?
    image
    birdybride2014
  • Hey,
    First of all I feel they should be more understanding and supportive. Planning a weeding is not an easy task and that's why you have bridesmaids to HELP you. You should be honest with them and tell them that you expected more help from them, explain them that if they can't do it it's fine but to let you know instead of making your life harder. If they can't commit to help you the most they can then you can probably count with other people that would be 100% supportive. At this point the least you wanna do is stress out over things that have a solution. 
  • Hey,
    First of all I feel they should be more understanding and supportive. Planning a weeding is not an easy task and that's why you have bridesmaids to HELP you. You should be honest with them and tell them that you expected more help from them, explain them that if they can't do it it's fine but to let you know instead of making your life harder. If they can't commit to help you the most they can then you can probably count with other people that would be 100% supportive. At this point the least you wanna do is stress out over things that have a solution. 
    No no and no. Just no. And then just no again. 

    The solution you mention? Stop putting unrealistic demands on the people you have chosen to stand next to you when you get married. These are your nearest and dearest. They are not your slaves or workers or helpers or any thing resembling any of the above. If you need help planning a wedding or are so stressed out that you are relying on your bridesmaids than you need to get assistance from the only person who should be helping you, which is your FI. 
    image
    [Deleted User]esstee33
  • edited June 2015
  • cupcait927cupcait927 Western NY wine country member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer

    OP you have been around here long enough to know that kicking your bridal party out is rude. You are expecting FAR too much from them. Have you said thank you for what they have done for you? Have you shown them any appreciation? Don't forget that they are your nearest and dearest, first and foremost. Just because you are getting married doesn't give you the right to treat them like hired help. You're reading way too much into the wedding industry as far as "responsibilities" of your bridal party. I harbored a lot of resentment towards my best friend for a long time after wedding because of the way she treated me when she was getting married and she wasn't half as bad as you are making yourself sound right now.

     Please, take a step back and think about the way you sound right now. A wedding is not worth losing your friends because they didn't live up to your unrealistic expectations.

       I'm not even going to touch the wedding social issue because I find the entire concept horribly tacky.

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