Overwhelmed, Need Hugs

Sugargirl1019

My parents are not good examples of marriage. My mom is always mad and petty about the silliest things. She refuses to talk to my dad for days, ignoring him when he speaks to her. That makes me having to be the middle man to "say things" to each of them. Doors slam. My dad is sleeping in one of the spare bedrooms. She storms out of the house and drives away.

I am thankful to be living here free of rent until my own house is ready, but I just cannot take it anymore. I don't know how my dad puts up with my mom. It makes me cry. And now I'm hiding in the bathroom because lonely small closed spaces feel more comfortable right now.

I yelled at her one day that she was setting a terrible for my husband and I for marriage, and I stormed off. I cried to DH that night at 1 am that I never want to treat him like my mom treats my dad. I don't deal with stress well, I just break down and cry curled up in a little ball.

My parents just live like this. My mom yells, puts him in the doghouse for no reason, and my dad puts up with it. I'm exhausted from being in this house and just want to close on the new house already.

In other news, I'm reading "Scarlett", the sequel to Gone with the Wind. It's really good, takes me away to another place.

levieenrose

I'm sorry your living situation is so uncomfortable and that you feel your father is being treated so poorly. 

Keep giving him support (but be charitable to yourself--they have to fix it themselves, you can't do it for them), and I'd say having a talk with your new DH about what your mutual expectations are for your marriage is a great. He's probably taking away the same [reinforced!] lessons you are.

Doing what you can to pass your time comfortably and in as much mental peace is a good idea. You're almost there to that better space!

ETA: PS, hugs!

JennyColada

That is really too bad. Everyone expresses stress in different ways, and I get that, but at some point in life I feel like we all need to learn healthy ways to cope with our stress successfully. Your mom seemed to miss the boat on that one...

Has your mom always been like this, like even when you were growing up? Some people just really don't know any better (this goes for your dad too!). But sometimes learning what NOT to do is just as valuable.

Sugargirl1019

JennyColada said:

That is really too bad. Everyone expresses stress in different ways, and I get that, but at some point in life I feel like we all need to learn healthy ways to cope with our stress successfully. Your mom seemed to miss the boat on that one...

Has your mom always been like this, like even when you were growing up? Some people just really don't know any better (this goes for your dad too!). But sometimes learning what NOT to do is just as valuable.

Yes, she was like this growing up. I just felt it happened much less frequently.

theartistformerlyknownas

I would just try to accept that they're adults who have made their own choices. Learn from the bad example but don't take it upon yourself to fix their issues. It's not your responsibility to be their therapist OR their mediator.

Hugs from the other D-town.

goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826

I'm so sorry you have to deal wit this.  But please know you won't treat your husband like this because you are more aware of this behaviour.  It doesn't mean it's your fate.

It's like a reverse effect.  You vow to do the opposite.

erinlin25

I'm sorry Sugargirl No matter how old we are, it is still uncomfortable when we see our parents have relationship issues.  My parents have been "happily" married for 42 years now and were always a prime example of a strong marriage.  My mom retired 4 years ago and things started to get pretty sour from there.  I thought a lot was my dad being bitter she retired early (even though they made that decision together).  But now that he is retired too, things have not got any better.  Some days they are the happy couple I grew up with, and other times I don't want to be in the same room with them.  While no one has left, and they don't down right yell at each other, it makes me uncomfortable at times. 

My problem is with my dad--he loses his patience with my mom over the stupidest things (like when she puts the A/C on).  He mumbles things under his breathe when she is around and makes rude comments to me about her (not to her face).  If she asks him to something he  Before my wedding he did this and I got very upset and confronted my dad-- I told him how I did not appreciate the way he spoke to my mother, how disrespectful it was and asked him what he would do if my husband ever said anything like that about me in front of him-- he back-tracked and thought about it and apologized to me.  He was better leading up to the wedding, but after he retired this year I started to notice it again. 

I have sat down with my mom and asked her about the situation and have been an ear for her to vent to.  And I continue to call my dad out when he says things in front on me. My husband and I talk about it and promised each other we will never get that way and if anything ever bothers us that much that we would say something before it got to the point of anger/resentment (which we have always done since day 1).  It makes me sad that after 42 years they act this way.  I think now they are retired they are just bored and so being around each other 24/7 they don't know how to "live" with each other anymore.  They travel a lot now, so when they go on a trip they always are back to the couple I grew up with and look up to.  The bickering starts when they have been home a lot.

The best you can do is be there for your dad.  Let him know you are there if he needs to talk.  And you may want to talk to your mom to see if she will confide in you in what has been bothering her.  It sucks to be a therapist for your parents but sometimes they just need a person to talk to--and if its not you hopefully they can talk to someone.  If they know it is affecting you hopefully they work at it.

I am glad you have your husband to confide in.  Hugs to you. Sorry for the long rant on my end.

labro

I think what everyone else has said is great.. I hope things get better soon.

But Scarlett is an ok read...if you are really looking for an excellent Gone With the Wind accompaniment I'd definitely recommend Rhett Butler's People over Scarlett any day. I reread it all the time!

Sugargirl1019

LaPeanut1018 said:

I think what everyone else has said is great.. I hope things get better soon.

But Scarlett is an ok read...if you are really looking for an excellent Gone With the Wind accompaniment I'd definitely recommend Rhett Butler's People over Scarlett any day. I reread it all the time!

I'm definitely reading that one next thanks. Love books.

theartistformerlyknownas

Ooh another great getaway book is The Shadow of the Wind by Carlos Ruiz Zafon. Maybe a little predictable but the way he describes Barcelona is spell-binding. It's the reason I pushed for a honeymoon in Spain.

Sugargirl1019

I'm a sucker for all books.. I'm not hard to please! Lolo I'll keep that one in mind too!

pinkcow13

I'm so sorry I'm sending you many hugs, I hope your house is ready soon so that you guys can get out of there. That's such a crappy situation to live through.

KatieinBkln

HUG!

Sorry you're going through this. PPs have good advice; mine is this: get out of the house when they're going at it. If they try to make you pass messages, refuse. Absent yourself. And remind yourself that your marriage doesn't have to look like theirs, and you won't have to live there for much longer.

Blergbot

*hugs* My parents got divorced when I was 27, so I feel you. Growing up, the tension between them really was stressful. It was partly a relief when they finally split. Luckily, my H would never treat me the way my dad treated my mom, and I would never put up with it for 30 years (or even a second) like she did.

climbingsingle

Hugs!