I really need to set some boundaries with a friend without hurting his feelings, and I’m at a loss for how to do it. I know you all are
wise and I need advice. I promise I don’t mean to be insensitive here, and I
don’t mean to sound like a jerk, but I am just so frustrated right now.
I met Jake about five years ago when I was in college. He wasn't a student but he hung out on campus. There were several incidents when
he found out where I had class, and then where I lived, and started showing up
and waiting for me there, completely unsolicited. Then he started calling me
frequently, again and again, and leaving multiple voicemails per day. At that
point I was so uncomfortable that I completely cut off contact.
We reconnected about a year ago when I ran into him near
campus. I agreed to meet for coffee, and we had an okay visit. A month or so
later he wanted to do coffee again, I said sure. It seemed like he had gotten
better with the social cues and I felt that the constant calling and following
wasn’t going to happen again. Well, for the last eight months he’s been texting
me every week asking if we can get coffee. Then I feel resentful, because with
my schedule I only have one “free” night to myself each week and that’s not how
I want to spend it. I usually only go once every 3-4 weeks. I try to keep it to
an hour or so, because I still have to buy groceries, cook dinner and do all the
housework afterward, and he always gives me the heavy sigh and whiney voice
when I say I need to get going. Then the day after we meet he’s texting me to
ask if we can get coffee again next week. And (I feel terrible for this) those
texts just make me want to chuck my phone across the room.
The kicker came last month when he gave me tickets for FI
and I to go to a concert with him and his girlfriend. I had told him we weren’t
going because we’re saving up for Christmas travel, because that’s nicer than
telling him I didn’t want to go at all, especially with him (also it’s true
that we’re saving for Christmas). So now I feel obligated to go and drag FI
along. I also feel indebted to spend more time with him now. I know it was such a nice gesture, and it was a lot of money for him,
but the more I think about it I feel frustrated about being put in this
position. And I feel like an ass for feeling that way.
Jake has autism, and (correct me if I’m wrong here) I
understand that inability to pick up on social cues and boundaries can be a
function of autism, and that makes me feel even worse for being frustrated and wanting to distance
myself. I know he doesn't have many other friends and doesn't work full-time, so hanging out every week doesn't seem like a lot to him. At the same time, I feel the need to set some clear boundaries as to
how often we hang out and unsolicited gifts and such. But, I don’t know how
to do this without hurting his feelings or feeling like an ass. Any advice you ladies can offer on how to go about it or what to say would be great.
TLDR: I have a friend who wants to hang out all the time, need advice about how to set boundaries with a friend without hurting his feelings.