Perspective check needed

wandajune6

DH has been friends with a woman since their sons were in peewee athletics together 9 years ago. Both were divorced, single, and very involved with the program. There was never anything remotely romantic but DH has helped her with her cars, computers and home over the years.

In the past year, he's fixed her laptops repeatedly. He hasn't worked on her cars but has talked her through working with mechanics several times. He offered her my parent's old ACs that they were getting rid of an we spent an afternoon moving and installing them for her. In all of the time DH helps, it's always thankless. When we delivered ACs, she didn't even get her son (16 years old) out of bed to help move them from the car. When DH has worked on her computers, he ends up bringing them over to her house for her. He's helped her out because she's a single mom of 3 (her son is the youngest), works a full time and a part-time job, and has a boyfriend who doesn't help with anything. I think that makes him a great guy but it's gone too far.

DH grew up in an inner city immigrant neighborhood where everyone helped each other. Most of his friends and family are wonderful- they all jump in when people need help. When we redid our kitchen, tons of people came through working. At the same time, DH helps friends with their cars, computers, etc. I love this about him - and that I've become part of this as well. However, I'm used to a give and take arrangement. Or at least some appreciation. And, since I'm being bitchy, it bugs me that she can afford to go on expensive vacations that we can't afford but depends on DH for help.

This woman RSVPd that she would be attending our wedding with her boyfriend. They were no-shows. Not that gifts are necessary but there was nothing. Not even a card or an apology for not attending.

Now she's calling DH because she needs a new hot water heater installed. I'm completely opposed to him helping. He's got no free time, is behind on homework, and is installing one at my house this weekend. He's got too much on his plate and I already feel bad that he needs to work on my place this weekend. I'll be helping him with both projects as we know that neither she, her son, nor her boyfriend will help.

Am I out of line in not wanting him to take this project on? He knows he's overbooked but feels bad for her. I think she's taking advantage.

beethery

I wouldn't say anything but I'd make crabgrass faces about it to your H. He has his own shit to do, and her son and her boyfriend or a PRO could handle this shit for her. 

He is not obligated to assist with her shit, especially when she has people who could help around her, and if she dares to complain she ought to get told to fuck herself.

ETA: If he asked me what I thought he should do I'd tell him he ought to focus on his homework and shit at his own house.

climbingsingle

I don't think you're out of line at all. She sounds extremely unappreciative of all the help your H has offered her. I wouldn't want him to do it either.

theartistformerlyknownas

Some people are just ungrateful assholes. They don't necessarily mean to be, they just are. 

That said, the only reason you need for not wanting your H to help her is he's too busy with his own home and school work. He needs to learn to say "no" not because she's an ungrateful ass, but because he should be looking out for himself and his own family first. 

If he chooses to help her, I would decline helping. Don't you feel a headache coming on? 

AddieCake

Not out of line at all.

wandajune6

Ok. I feel better about my opinion.

He asked me if I was ok with him going over to help this weekend. I told him that I didn't mind but asked him if he would still be able to get his homework done and study for his exam next week. I also told him that I might not have the time to help him. I also offered to get him the number for the company nearby that my parents love.

We'll see how it goes.

Thanks for the feedback. I love that he's such a wonderful friend but get protective of his time. I'm never sure when I cross the line.

Y'all are wonderful!

ohannabelle

wandajune6 said:

Ok. I feel better about my opinion.

He asked me if I was ok with him going over to help this weekend. I told him that I didn't mind but asked him if he would still be able to get his homework done and study for his exam next week. I also told him that I might not have the time to help him. I also offered to get him the number for the company nearby that my parents love.

We'll see how it goes.

Thanks for the feedback. I love that he's such a wonderful friend but get protective of his time. I'm never sure when I cross the line.

Y'all are wonderful!

Honestly, Wandajune, I think you should have said, yes, I mind. Because truth. Because it's okay to say that yes, you mind him taking time from himself and his own needs and his own family to help someone who isn't even appreciative. Nothing wrong with saying that. It doesn't mean you're unkind or not generous. 

levioosa

Some people will take as much as others will give.  She sounds like one of those people.  I would be upset too.  You and DH are working to get your own lives in order.  Taking care of yourselves first doesn't make you selfish, it makes you sensible.  

Ditto everthing ohannabelle said.

pinkcow13

Fuck that noise. Not out of line at all.

loro929

Yeah, I ditto PPs. You are not out of line at all, and you should tell your H how you really feel.

If you don't these things may continue to happen, and internalizing it isn't fair to you (or to your H if you become snippy at him because of this and he has no idea it is upsetting you).

larrygaga

Think of things that you need him to do and suck up all his time  and energy like a proper wife (succubus).

Just kidding!

banana468

Where is the actual friendship? Does she actually act as a friend? I'm not saying the woman needs to do things like be does but if it's all one sided, she's using him plain and simple.

My bullshit meter would ask how often she calls when she doesn't need him. That should tell him what she really value .

raissyrais

She does sound ungrateful and oblivious. I wouldn't let my H do it either!

novella1186

You're not out of line at all. This woman sounds kind of awful. Tell your H to stand up for himself and say no to her! 

wandajune6

Thank you all!

@ohannabelle- DH knows that I mind. He can read me pretty well on that. Though you're probably right about letting him know that more directly.

We actually talked about it last night and he decided that he had more pressing commitments than to help her this weekend. I'm not sure of her reaction but I'll hear about it tonight.

Thanks!

KatieinBkln

Agree with Annabelle as usual. I think you would have to be careful of your tone and make sure you didn't come across too sour about it, but it's totally fair to say, "Ya know, it bothers me that she only seems to call when she needs you, but furthermore, you're actually needed HERE this time, both for your family and for yourself and your schoolwork. If you can get it all done, great, but I don't think there's anything wrong with saying no to her sometimes."