Wedding Vows & Ceremony Discussions

Interfaith Marriage Rabbi Problem

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Re: Interfaith Marriage Rabbi Problem

  • We found our perfect venue.  We booked it.  We are not changing it for a rabbi.  I'll have my uncle take care of it.  My fiance and I will be happy with it just being recognized by the state.

    If this is what religion is really about, then screw religion!  I guess it's full of more bigots than I thought.

    I'm done with this conversation.  I'm having my account deleted - already sent the email.  I'm leaving this website and never coming back.  No great loss to me. 




    "You're just too good to be true.  Can't take my eyes off you."
  • We found our perfect venue.  We booked it.  We are not changing it for a rabbi.  I'll have my uncle take care of it.  My fiance and I will be happy with it just being recognized by the state.

    If this is what religion is really about, then screw religion!  I guess it's full of more bigots than I thought.

    I'm done with this conversation.  I'm having my account deleted - already sent the email.  I'm leaving this website and never coming back.  No great loss to me. 




    I'm so glad I got to use this twice in one week! 

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  • We found our perfect venue.  We booked it.  We are not changing it for a rabbi.  I'll have my uncle take care of it.  My fiance and I will be happy with it just being recognized by the state.

    If this is what religion is really about, then screw religion!  I guess it's full of more bigots than I thought.

    I'm done with this conversation.  I'm having my account deleted - already sent the email.  I'm leaving this website and never coming back.  No great loss to me. 




    Haha oh lord. Are you referring to US as religious bigots? 'Cause that's hilarious. I haven't been to church since I was a teenager excluding a couple times in my late 20s that my dad guilted me into going with him and told me they had free coffee. I think all anyone was trying to impress upon you is that you being flippant about the rules of someone's religion is totally cause for them to be rude to you. And given how you're talking to us, I can only imagine how condescending you've been to these poor rabbis you're now blasting. 

    Bye bye. Don't let the door hit ya on your way out.
  • We found our perfect venue.  We booked it.  We are not changing it for a rabbi.  I'll have my uncle take care of it.  My fiance and I will be happy with it just being recognized by the state.

    If this is what religion is really about, then screw religion!  I guess it's full of more bigots than I thought.

    I'm done with this conversation.  I'm having my account deleted - already sent the email.  I'm leaving this website and never coming back.  No great loss to me. 

    In that case, why the hell do you need religion at all? I mean, really. And no one here was being bigoted, if anything you were the one displaying a gross lack of understanding regarding your FI's faith if you couldn't grasp the simple concept of why your date and time wasn't going to work. This isn't rocket science here.
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  • redoryx said:



    We found our perfect venue.  We booked it.  We are not changing it for a rabbi.  I'll have my uncle take care of it.  My fiance and I will be happy with it just being recognized by the state.

    If this is what religion is really about, then screw religion!  I guess it's full of more bigots than I thought.

    I'm done with this conversation.  I'm having my account deleted - already sent the email.  I'm leaving this website and never coming back.  No great loss to me. 


    In that case, why the hell do you need religion at all? I mean, really. And no one here was being bigoted, if anything you were the one displaying a gross lack of understanding regarding your FI's faith if you couldn't grasp the simple concept of why your date and time wasn't going to work. This isn't rocket science here.


    It isn't just her FI'S faith where she lacks understanding.

    If religion isn't important to you then don't have a religious ceremony. But don't come crying and be upset that it IS important to others. For many (especially the clergy) their faith IS what's important. The rest comes as a result of that faith. Do you not get that??

  • edited November 2014

    Jen4948 said:
    @dazzlingfox, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but rabbis across the Jewish board take the religion seriously.  Because of all the persecution that Jews have endured over the centuries, many just aren't willing to officiate at interfaith ceremonies.  There's also the fact that a lot of Jews do leave the Jewish religion or, while not leaving it, stop practicing it, say, after intermarriage, and continuing the Jewish faith is very important to many rabbis. 

    Whether you think it's fair or not, consider that many priests feel the same way about Catholic weddings and don't want to officiate at interfaith ceremonies either. 

    If you really want a "both sides are equal" marriage, it may have to be a totally secular wedding performed by a non-religious officiant.
    I told the rabbis that I would raise the children Jewish and have them converted.  If they wanted it in writing, I'd give it.  My fiance is a Levi, and I would never deny that history to our children, even though I am a Catholic.  If it comes down to it, then it won't be a religious ceremony, but I want to make the effort for the man I love.  Our relationship has always been equal with compromises on both sides.  We celebrate every holiday and respect each others' similarities and differences.  As I said before, if it comes down to it, my uncle will handle it as a retired military chaplain.  My fiance and I are lucky to have him.

    The rabbis may doubt your sincerity in promising to raise your children as Jews, because you're starting your marriage off by ignoring the Sabbath. KWIM? I understand you've signed a contract with the venue, but is there any wiggle room for you to show respect toward your Jewish guests. Move your ceremony past sunset and you might find a Rabbi who is willing to take you seriously. You could have cocktail hour at 6 for the guests who aren't observing the Sabbath. Follow with the ceremony and reception. It's a little different, but these are the things we do when religion is important to us.

    Also, doesn't your uncle know any rabbis that might be able to help out? The priests, ministers, rabbis etc... in my area of CT all seem to know each other.


                       
  • We found our perfect venue.  We booked it.  We are not changing it for a rabbi.  I'll have my uncle take care of it.  My fiance and I will be happy with it just being recognized by the state.

    If this is what religion is really about, then screw religion!  I guess it's full of more bigots than I thought.

    I'm done with this conversation.  I'm having my account deleted - already sent the email.  I'm leaving this website and never coming back.  No great loss to me. 




    Well, I can't imagine why the rabbis gave you attitude.

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  • We found our perfect venue.  We booked it.  We are not changing it for a rabbi.  I'll have my uncle take care of it.  My fiance and I will be happy with it just being recognized by the state.

    If this is what religion is really about, then screw religion!  I guess it's full of more bigots than I thought.

    I'm done with this conversation.  I'm having my account deleted - already sent the email.  I'm leaving this website and never coming back.  No great loss to me. 




    How childish of you. But I'm glad to hear you've ditched your plan of faking religion for your family's sake because that's really an ill-mannered thing to do. I'm rather stunned though that you claim to be Catholic and yet were somehow unaware that some religions have fairly strict observances that can't be changed for a mere whim.
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  • We found our perfect venue.  We booked it.  We are not changing it for a rabbi.  I'll have my uncle take care of it.  My fiance and I will be happy with it just being recognized by the state.

    If this is what religion is really about, then screw religion!  I guess it's full of more bigots than I thought.

    I'm done with this conversation.  I'm having my account deleted - already sent the email.  I'm leaving this website and never coming back.  No great loss to me. 




    You're upset that a RABBI won't break one of the most sacred tenets of his faith for your wedding just cuz?  The only bigot I see described in this thread is you.  Grow the fuck up, you're acting like a selfish, self-centered twit.



  • By any chance have the two of you had any pre-marital counseling?
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  • CMGragain said:
    I had my marriage ceremony very late on Saturday evening so that my Jewish friends could attend.
    Ding ding ding.  Change your ceremony time a couple hours.  Depending on the time of year, it might not be a significant time change.

    If you truly want a priest and a rabbi, then you need to be respectful of the religions.  I don't know of a single rabbi that would conduct a service before sundown on the sabbath.  

    If you don't want to change your time, I suggest relinquishing having a rabbi and have a celebrant instead.
  • We found our perfect venue.  We booked it.  We are not changing it for a rabbi.  I'll have my uncle take care of it.  My fiance and I will be happy with it just being recognized by the state.

    If this is what religion is really about, then screw religion!  I guess it's full of more bigots than I thought.

    I'm done with this conversation.  I'm having my account deleted - already sent the email.  I'm leaving this website and never coming back.  No great loss to me. 




    I'm an atheist, but I respect the beliefs of all religions.  Respecting other's beliefs or having those beliefs does not make anyone a bigot.  The only bigot I see here is you: you refuse to respect a Jewish belief.  

    Don't have a religious ceremony if you aren't religious and don't even seem to respect other religions.

  • esstee33 said:
    This isn't just from me.  This is also the point of view from my fiance and my future mother-in-law.  My fiance was born Orthodox and raised Conservative.  I know that Orthodox and Conservative won't perform the ceremony.  I understand that.  That's why I was looking at Reform.  I've done my research.  Believe me.  I've been in a relationship with my man for 6 years and learned a lot from his family about the Jewish religion.  I respect it.  And by the way, removing Jesus from the ceremony is a HUGE deal to the Catholic religion.  I was surprised when my uncle even agreed to do that, and I could tell that it bothered him.  Just because it doesn't seem like a big deal to you doesn't mean it's not a big deal.
    I feel like you really need to internalize your own statement and apply it to your situation here. You're asking someone to make an exception to something that is a very important part of their faith because you don't think it's that big of a deal and you're willing to make compromises about including references to your faith. One size does not fit all. 

    Should they be rude to you instead of just politely saying "no?" No, probably not. But I can see how your request could seriously offend some, and I'm not surprised that they'd react strongly in that case. 
    That's why I asked my fiance and future mother-in-law about the ceremony time we booked before we booked it and asked them how to politely ask the rabbi about it.  I'm very sensitive about that kind of thing.  But when all I receive is rudeness and condescension, I'm not as inclined to be sensitive to them in return.  I didn't demand that they do the ceremony.  I asked if it was a possibility.  And to have them try to say it needs to be a Jewish ceremony with my uncle barely speaking?  Yeah...not happening.  They should have at least been professional about it when I asked the question, as it is their job as well as their faith...just like my uncle's job and faith coincide, and he doesn't talk down to anyone.  When reading my first post here, it seems like I'm being selfish, but I'm not.  I asked all the right stuff first, and was met with complete and utter disrespect.  I don't tolerate that.  I spoke with my future mother-in-law today and she said that we'll look for a rabbi a bit longer.  If we find nothing, we'll have my uncle perform the ceremony as a retired military chaplain.

    Problem solved.
    To the bolded: The best way to do that was probably to talk with the rabbi BEFORE booking the venue. 

    Or, if the time was such an issue, consider another venue that would let you have the ceremony start later would've been a good idea. If the venue cannot accommodate a specific time, then it's not the "perfect" venue...

    Or, have cocktail hour before the ceremony, so it gives the sun time to set. (a side note, regarding the sunset time - you said you thought you were being generous that it's "only" an hour before sunset...most in the Jewish faith consider Shabbat over about 45-60 minutes AFTER the actual physical sunset.

    Many rabbis, especially the more religious ones, still wouldn't consider your children to be Jewish, even if you convert them, because you are not Jewish. I grew up Reform; my husband, like your fiance, was born Orthodox and raised a mixture of Orthodox/Conservative/Chabad. I was also adopted at birth and my birthmother was Catholic, so my adoptive parents had me converted. My husband's grandmother would not acknowledge me - even if I was sitting next to her in the living room - because I "wasn't Jewish." His dad also (finally!) came to turns that "it's really damn ok" that "I'm not Jewish enough" (reform vs Chabad, etc)

    I'm sure you'll find a lot more rabbis willing to consider, if you said that you yourself would convert, but based on your posts, that's not an option. 

    Since it seems like this is becoming an issue, why have a religious ceremony at all? You mentioned that your uncle would officiate since he is a military chaplain...would be
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  • InterfaithFamily has a free Jewish clergy referral service for exactly this issue. There are some clergy that will perform ceremonies during Shabbat. www.interfaithfamily.com/findarabbi
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