NWR: Invite to Thanksgiving rubs us the wrong way. Should it?

mrs4everhart

DH has an uncle (his Dad's brother) who he has always felt he's gotten along well with. They're not super close but they've never been on bad terms or anything. We sent he and his wife an invite to our wedding. They couldn't be bothered to return the RSVP. Ok, fine, people get busy, blah, blah, blah. I think it's super rude to not return someone's RSVP and it happens to be a pet peeve of mine, but I let it go.

When DH called him to confirm (we assumed they weren't coming, but still) he was super flippant about the whole thing. Ok, still fine. DH then told him we'd be hosting a party about a week after we got home and extended the invite for it at that time. Totally noncommittal. I guess this guy has never thrown a party where a head count would be appreciated, I don't know. He never bothered to let us know they weren't able to attend. They didn't show up. Never received even a card congratulating us. Sure, whatever.

They are hosting Thanksgiving for the (invited) paternal side of DH's family. The only way we'd know such a thing is when he invited his brother, my FIL, he threw out an aside "you can let A&B know they are invited too."

Um, really? We're married adults in our 30's. If you'd like to invite us somewhere, please pick up a phone. It seems strange to invite people you've made zero effort to connect with to an event as an extension of someone else's invitation. Doesn't it?

Should this rub us the wrong way? 

luckya23

Well that's just how things are one in my family, passing the word around, but I think you're really upset about the wedding stuff.  I don't think you're wrong about that.

theartistformerlyknownas

mrs4everhart said:

DH has an uncle (his Dad's brother) who he has always felt he's gotten along well with. They're not super close but they've never been on bad terms or anything. We sent he and his wife an invite to our wedding. They couldn't be bothered to return the RSVP. Ok, fine, people get busy, blah, blah, blah. I think it's super rude to not return someone's RSVP and it happens to be a pet peeve of mine, but I let it go.

When DH called him to confirm (we assumed they weren't coming, but still) he was super flippant about the whole thing. Ok, still fine. DH then told him we'd be hosting a party about a week after we got home and extended the invite for it at that time. Totally noncommittal. I guess this guy has never thrown a party where a head count would be appreciated, I don't know. He never bothered to let us know they weren't able to attend. They didn't show up. Never received even a card congratulating us. Sure, whatever.

They are hosting Thanksgiving for the (invited) paternal side of DH's family. The only way we'd know such a thing is when he invited his brother, my FIL, he threw out an aside "you can let A&B know they are invited too."

Um, really? We're married adults in our 30's. If you'd like to invite us somewhere, please pick up a phone. It seems strange to invite people you've made zero effort to connect with to an event as an extension of someone else's invitation. Doesn't it?

Should this rub us the wrong way? 

Know how lots of people told you that when you have a PPD, lots of people might judge you for it and hold it against you even though they don't say anything to your face, just start treating you differently? Think MAYBE he's miffed he wasn't invited to your legal wedding and is treating Thanksgiving just as flippantly?

RebeccaFlower

This happens in my family, too. I hate when we are invited on a piggyback of a verbal invite through our parents. 

BrandNewJ

I would be upset and not go, but our family doesn't run on verbal invitations, so if this happened to us, it's actually a purposeful snub.

jdluvr06

We do things like that either through word of mouth or email so this would be pretty typical for us.

mrs4everhart

lolo883 said:

mrs4everhart said:

DH has an uncle (his Dad's brother) who he has always felt he's gotten along well with. They're not super close but they've never been on bad terms or anything. We sent he and his wife an invite to our wedding. They couldn't be bothered to return the RSVP. Ok, fine, people get busy, blah, blah, blah. I think it's super rude to not return someone's RSVP and it happens to be a pet peeve of mine, but I let it go.

When DH called him to confirm (we assumed they weren't coming, but still) he was super flippant about the whole thing. Ok, still fine. DH then told him we'd be hosting a party about a week after we got home and extended the invite for it at that time. Totally noncommittal. I guess this guy has never thrown a party where a head count would be appreciated, I don't know. He never bothered to let us know they weren't able to attend. They didn't show up. Never received even a card congratulating us. Sure, whatever.

They are hosting Thanksgiving for the (invited) paternal side of DH's family. The only way we'd know such a thing is when he invited his brother, my FIL, he threw out an aside "you can let A&B know they are invited too."

Um, really? We're married adults in our 30's. If you'd like to invite us somewhere, please pick up a phone. It seems strange to invite people you've made zero effort to connect with to an event as an extension of someone else's invitation. Doesn't it?

Should this rub us the wrong way? 

Know how lots of people told you that when you have a PPD, lots of people might judge you for it and hold it against you even though they don't say anything to your face, just start treating you differently? Think MAYBE he's miffed he wasn't invited to your legal wedding and is treating Thanksgiving just as flippantly?

That would be a mystery for the ages then. Because unless he's a reg on TK I have no idea how he'd come across this tidbit of information. I've really been thinking this whole thing is probably attributed to the fucked up family dynamic on that side of DH's family. Besides, that would be pretty rich since our own parents weren't "invited" for our twenty minute trip to the county clerk's office, nor did any of them care. 

But if that were in fact the case (odds I don't think favor that) he could just not have invited us at all and we wouldn't have thought anything about it one way or the other.  

I'm just hoping they're not waiting on a head count. 

mrs4everhart

luckya23 said:

Well that's just how things are one in my family, passing the word around, but I think you're really upset about the wedding stuff.  I don't think you're wrong about that.

DH is for sure and said as much to his Dad when he relayed the invite. I don't actually care. If we went, great. If we didn't, okay too. I just don't comprehend the uncle's behavior with regards to the wedding then not even reaching out personally to extend an invite. It's just weird in my opinion. DH holds grudges like a mofo so I think this is the end of their relationship. 

MobKaz

lolo883 said:

mrs4everhart said:

DH has an uncle (his Dad's brother) who he has always felt he's gotten along well with. They're not super close but they've never been on bad terms or anything. We sent he and his wife an invite to our wedding. They couldn't be bothered to return the RSVP. Ok, fine, people get busy, blah, blah, blah. I think it's super rude to not return someone's RSVP and it happens to be a pet peeve of mine, but I let it go.

When DH called him to confirm (we assumed they weren't coming, but still) he was super flippant about the whole thing. Ok, still fine. DH then told him we'd be hosting a party about a week after we got home and extended the invite for it at that time. Totally noncommittal. I guess this guy has never thrown a party where a head count would be appreciated, I don't know. He never bothered to let us know they weren't able to attend. They didn't show up. Never received even a card congratulating us. Sure, whatever.

They are hosting Thanksgiving for the (invited) paternal side of DH's family. The only way we'd know such a thing is when he invited his brother, my FIL, he threw out an aside "you can let A&B know they are invited too."

Um, really? We're married adults in our 30's. If you'd like to invite us somewhere, please pick up a phone. It seems strange to invite people you've made zero effort to connect with to an event as an extension of someone else's invitation. Doesn't it?

Should this rub us the wrong way? 

Know how lots of people told you that when you have a PPD, lots of people might judge you for it and hold it against you even though they don't say anything to your face, just start treating you differently? Think MAYBE he's miffed he wasn't invited to your legal wedding and is treating Thanksgiving just as flippantly?

I know that the OP has stated that she "never had any issues breaking rules that don't suit her", but I guess when the shoe is on the other foot, rule breakers are deemed rude.  

esstee33

mrs4everhart said:

luckya23 said:

Well that's just how things are one in my family, passing the word around, but I think you're really upset about the wedding stuff.  I don't think you're wrong about that.

DH is for sure and said as much to his Dad when he relayed the invite. I don't actually care. If we went, great. If we didn't, okay too. I just don't comprehend the uncle's behavior with regards to the wedding then not even reaching out personally to extend an invite. It's just weird in my opinion. DH holds grudges like a mofo so I think this is the end of their relationship. 

From the way you explain it, it doesn't sound like there's much of a relationship to end. 

mrs4everhart

MobKaz said:

lolo883 said:

mrs4everhart said:

DH has an uncle (his Dad's brother) who he has always felt he's gotten along well with. They're not super close but they've never been on bad terms or anything. We sent he and his wife an invite to our wedding. They couldn't be bothered to return the RSVP. Ok, fine, people get busy, blah, blah, blah. I think it's super rude to not return someone's RSVP and it happens to be a pet peeve of mine, but I let it go.

When DH called him to confirm (we assumed they weren't coming, but still) he was super flippant about the whole thing. Ok, still fine. DH then told him we'd be hosting a party about a week after we got home and extended the invite for it at that time. Totally noncommittal. I guess this guy has never thrown a party where a head count would be appreciated, I don't know. He never bothered to let us know they weren't able to attend. They didn't show up. Never received even a card congratulating us. Sure, whatever.

They are hosting Thanksgiving for the (invited) paternal side of DH's family. The only way we'd know such a thing is when he invited his brother, my FIL, he threw out an aside "you can let A&B know they are invited too."

Um, really? We're married adults in our 30's. If you'd like to invite us somewhere, please pick up a phone. It seems strange to invite people you've made zero effort to connect with to an event as an extension of someone else's invitation. Doesn't it?

Should this rub us the wrong way? 

Know how lots of people told you that when you have a PPD, lots of people might judge you for it and hold it against you even though they don't say anything to your face, just start treating you differently? Think MAYBE he's miffed he wasn't invited to your legal wedding and is treating Thanksgiving just as flippantly?

I know that the OP has stated that she "never had any issues breaking rules that don't suit her", but I guess when the shoe is on the other foot, rule breakers are deemed rude.  

I can't recall a time I've ever jerked someone around as they tried to plan an event they needed a confirmed head count for. That's not so much a rule as just common sense. I don't have time or patience for anyone lacking in basic, common sense.

mrs4everhart

esstee33 said:

mrs4everhart said:

luckya23 said:

Well that's just how things are one in my family, passing the word around, but I think you're really upset about the wedding stuff.  I don't think you're wrong about that.

DH is for sure and said as much to his Dad when he relayed the invite. I don't actually care. If we went, great. If we didn't, okay too. I just don't comprehend the uncle's behavior with regards to the wedding then not even reaching out personally to extend an invite. It's just weird in my opinion. DH holds grudges like a mofo so I think this is the end of their relationship. 

From the way you explain it, it doesn't sound like there's much of a relationship to end. 

There's even less now! 

They were never on bad terms though. There's no viable reason for the uncle's behavior in the first place, except poor manners and social skills. It's not like there was a falling out or anything along those lines. But I do see this as a nailed-shut coffin on an otherwise neutral relationship. 

Least we won't be getting any future weird piggy-backed invitations to not respond to. So there's that I guess? Perhaps DH should be the bigger person and call his uncle to discuss the invitation and let by-gones be by-gones. But he's stubborn as hell and really feels justified so I don't see that happening. And I'm not getting involved.

sophhabobopha

That's pretty normal in both my and Fi's families. 

jdluvr06

I really don't understand what the problem is. Some people are really casual about this stuff, especially about family functions. It is a family thanksgiving dinner not some kind of formal event.

AddieCake

In my family, this would be weird. In my husband's circle of friends, this would be normal.

mrs4everhart

jdluvr06 said:

I really don't understand what the problem is. Some people are really casual about this stuff, especially about family functions. It is a family thanksgiving dinner not some kind of formal event.

I suppose there really is no "problem" per se. It just rubbed us both wrong. We've invited the guy and his wife to multiple (formal/semi formal) events he couldn't be bothered to let us know if they were coming to until we had to track him down for the first then said fuck it for the second, then he's going to extend a holiday invite through another person? 

In my family it might not cause the same issue but we're all pretty tight and a "hey, tell A&B we're doing such and such" probably would be okay. But DH's family is not super tight and after his odd behavior recently I would think he'd want to extend an invitation to his nephew and I himself?

I'm not irate or freaking out or anything, like I said, it just rubbed us both the wrong way and I wasn't sure if the bristling was justified.

Maybe these two things really aren't on the same plane and shouldn't be factored in together in the first place? 

esstee33

mrs4everhart said:

jdluvr06 said:

I really don't understand what the problem is. Some people are really casual about this stuff, especially about family functions. It is a family thanksgiving dinner not some kind of formal event.

I suppose there really is no "problem" per se. It just rubbed us both wrong. We've invited the guy and his wife to multiple (formal/semi formal) events he couldn't be bothered to let us know if they were coming to until we had to track him down for the first then said fuck it for the second, then he's going to extend a holiday invite through another person? 

In my family it might not cause the same issue but we're all pretty tight and a "hey, tell A&B we're doing such and such" probably would be okay. But DH's family is not super tight and after his odd behavior recently I would think he'd want to extend an invitation to his nephew and I himself?

I'm not irate or freaking out or anything, like I said, it just rubbed us both the wrong way and I wasn't sure if the bristling was justified.

Maybe these two things really aren't on the same plane and shouldn't be factored in together in the first place? 

I really don't think they are. Some people are just clueless about the importance of RSVPs for weddings, or they just can't be bothered to deal with it, even if they DO know the importance of them. I had like 6 people RSVP and no-show, then send their child along with their parent in their place. That's my stepmom's family -- no fucking clue. Not everyone "gets it" and this uncle might not even have any clue that you're sitting over there beef stewin' because he didn't RSVP to your wedding HOW LONG AGO? I'd get right the hell over that and stop holding grudges and using them to color your interpretation of current events, especially when we're talking about a verbal invite to a party. 

Furthermore, I think it's really common for siblings to still address each other's children through their sibling, even when the kids are adults. I'm positive my uncle (dad's brother) would invite me to get-togethers through my dad, even though they have my contact information. We're just not that close and that's how my family rolls. No big deal. 

I feel like if they just deliberately didn't invite you at all, you might have some reason to be pissy about it. But this is not that.

larrygaga

lolo883 said:

mrs4everhart said:

DH has an uncle (his Dad's brother) who he has always felt he's gotten along well with. They're not super close but they've never been on bad terms or anything. We sent he and his wife an invite to our wedding. They couldn't be bothered to return the RSVP. Ok, fine, people get busy, blah, blah, blah. I think it's super rude to not return someone's RSVP and it happens to be a pet peeve of mine, but I let it go.

When DH called him to confirm (we assumed they weren't coming, but still) he was super flippant about the whole thing. Ok, still fine. DH then told him we'd be hosting a party about a week after we got home and extended the invite for it at that time. Totally noncommittal. I guess this guy has never thrown a party where a head count would be appreciated, I don't know. He never bothered to let us know they weren't able to attend. They didn't show up. Never received even a card congratulating us. Sure, whatever.

They are hosting Thanksgiving for the (invited) paternal side of DH's family. The only way we'd know such a thing is when he invited his brother, my FIL, he threw out an aside "you can let A&B know they are invited too."

Um, really? We're married adults in our 30's. If you'd like to invite us somewhere, please pick up a phone. It seems strange to invite people you've made zero effort to connect with to an event as an extension of someone else's invitation. Doesn't it?

Should this rub us the wrong way? 

Know how lots of people told you that when you have a PPD, lots of people might judge you for it and hold it against you even though they don't say anything to your face, just start treating you differently? Think MAYBE he's miffed he wasn't invited to your legal wedding and is treating Thanksgiving just as flippantly?

mrs4everhart

larrygaga said:

lolo883 said:

mrs4everhart said:

DH has an uncle (his Dad's brother) who he has always felt he's gotten along well with. They're not super close but they've never been on bad terms or anything. We sent he and his wife an invite to our wedding. They couldn't be bothered to return the RSVP. Ok, fine, people get busy, blah, blah, blah. I think it's super rude to not return someone's RSVP and it happens to be a pet peeve of mine, but I let it go.

When DH called him to confirm (we assumed they weren't coming, but still) he was super flippant about the whole thing. Ok, still fine. DH then told him we'd be hosting a party about a week after we got home and extended the invite for it at that time. Totally noncommittal. I guess this guy has never thrown a party where a head count would be appreciated, I don't know. He never bothered to let us know they weren't able to attend. They didn't show up. Never received even a card congratulating us. Sure, whatever.

They are hosting Thanksgiving for the (invited) paternal side of DH's family. The only way we'd know such a thing is when he invited his brother, my FIL, he threw out an aside "you can let A&B know they are invited too."

Um, really? We're married adults in our 30's. If you'd like to invite us somewhere, please pick up a phone. It seems strange to invite people you've made zero effort to connect with to an event as an extension of someone else's invitation. Doesn't it?

Should this rub us the wrong way? 

Know how lots of people told you that when you have a PPD, lots of people might judge you for it and hold it against you even though they don't say anything to your face, just start treating you differently? Think MAYBE he's miffed he wasn't invited to your legal wedding and is treating Thanksgiving just as flippantly?

Ha! It wasn't even luke warm let a lone a burn 'cause it was so far off base!

mrs4everhart

esstee33 said:

mrs4everhart said:

jdluvr06 said:

I really don't understand what the problem is. Some people are really casual about this stuff, especially about family functions. It is a family thanksgiving dinner not some kind of formal event.

I suppose there really is no "problem" per se. It just rubbed us both wrong. We've invited the guy and his wife to multiple (formal/semi formal) events he couldn't be bothered to let us know if they were coming to until we had to track him down for the first then said fuck it for the second, then he's going to extend a holiday invite through another person? 

In my family it might not cause the same issue but we're all pretty tight and a "hey, tell A&B we're doing such and such" probably would be okay. But DH's family is not super tight and after his odd behavior recently I would think he'd want to extend an invitation to his nephew and I himself?

I'm not irate or freaking out or anything, like I said, it just rubbed us both the wrong way and I wasn't sure if the bristling was justified.

Maybe these two things really aren't on the same plane and shouldn't be factored in together in the first place? 

I really don't think they are. Some people are just clueless about the importance of RSVPs for weddings, or they just can't be bothered to deal with it, even if they DO know the importance of them. I had like 6 people RSVP and no-show, then send their child along with their parent in their place. That's my stepmom's family -- no fucking clue. Not everyone "gets it" and this uncle might not even have any clue that you're sitting over there beef stewin' because he didn't RSVP to your wedding HOW LONG AGO? I'd get right the hell over that and stop holding grudges and using them to color your interpretation of current events, especially when we're talking about a verbal invite to a party. 

Furthermore, I think it's really common for siblings to still address each other's children through their sibling, even when the kids are adults. I'm positive my uncle (dad's brother) would invite me to get-togethers through my dad, even though they have my contact information. We're just not that close and that's how my family rolls. No big deal. 

I feel like if they just deliberately didn't invite you at all, you might have some reason to be pissy about it. But this is not that.

Our wedding was only about six weeks ago, so it's not like this is ancient history. Our AHR was even less time ago. Our wedding invites were standard mailed invites with pre-addressed, stamped RSVP cards. The AHR invite was verbal because we saw how he really hit it out of the park walking that RSVP card to his mailbox for our wedding, we figured we'd save ourselves the effort mailing an invite to our AHR and just invited them while calling to get his yay or nay about the wedding.

I can't say I'm going to spend much more time worrying about whether we're in the right or the wrong about being bothered by the whole situation. I could bet my life on the fact that my DH won't be quick to get over what he sees as shitty behavior, whether he's justified in that feeling or not. This is a family with so much this-one-doesn't-speak-to-that-one kind of bullshit it's really par for the course and just more dramatic family history in the making. 

esstee33

mrs4everhart said:

esstee33 said:

mrs4everhart said:

jdluvr06 said:

I really don't understand what the problem is. Some people are really casual about this stuff, especially about family functions. It is a family thanksgiving dinner not some kind of formal event.

I suppose there really is no "problem" per se. It just rubbed us both wrong. We've invited the guy and his wife to multiple (formal/semi formal) events he couldn't be bothered to let us know if they were coming to until we had to track him down for the first then said fuck it for the second, then he's going to extend a holiday invite through another person? 

In my family it might not cause the same issue but we're all pretty tight and a "hey, tell A&B we're doing such and such" probably would be okay. But DH's family is not super tight and after his odd behavior recently I would think he'd want to extend an invitation to his nephew and I himself?

I'm not irate or freaking out or anything, like I said, it just rubbed us both the wrong way and I wasn't sure if the bristling was justified.

Maybe these two things really aren't on the same plane and shouldn't be factored in together in the first place? 

I really don't think they are. Some people are just clueless about the importance of RSVPs for weddings, or they just can't be bothered to deal with it, even if they DO know the importance of them. I had like 6 people RSVP and no-show, then send their child along with their parent in their place. That's my stepmom's family -- no fucking clue. Not everyone "gets it" and this uncle might not even have any clue that you're sitting over there beef stewin' because he didn't RSVP to your wedding HOW LONG AGO? I'd get right the hell over that and stop holding grudges and using them to color your interpretation of current events, especially when we're talking about a verbal invite to a party. 

Furthermore, I think it's really common for siblings to still address each other's children through their sibling, even when the kids are adults. I'm positive my uncle (dad's brother) would invite me to get-togethers through my dad, even though they have my contact information. We're just not that close and that's how my family rolls. No big deal. 

I feel like if they just deliberately didn't invite you at all, you might have some reason to be pissy about it. But this is not that.

Our wedding was only about six weeks ago, so it's not like this is ancient history. Our AHR was even less time ago. Our wedding invites were standard mailed invites with pre-addressed, stamped RSVP cards. The AHR invite was verbal because we saw how he really hit it out of the park walking that RSVP card to his mailbox for our wedding, we figured we'd save ourselves the effort mailing an invite to our AHR and just invited them while calling to get his yay or nay about the wedding.

I can't say I'm going to spend much more time worrying about whether we're in the right or the wrong about being bothered by the whole situation. I could bet my life on the fact that my DH won't be quick to get over what he sees as shitty behavior, whether he's justified in that feeling or not. This is a family with so much this-one-doesn't-speak-to-that-one kind of bullshit it's really par for the course and just more dramatic family history in the making. 

Yeah, six weeks is plenty of time to get over it. 

And plus also, I guess I'm also not really sure what you're even mad about, honestly. You verbally invited him to your AHR, and that was apparently acceptable, so you can't really judge him for a verbal invite to Thanksgiving. I can see kinda side-eyeing the second-hand invite, but I really don't think that's a big deal to most people. I can also see why the uncle would maybe assume that calling you would be MORE weird given your not-very-close relationship with him. Maybe he's trying to extend an invitation to get to know you better, but he's not comfortable just up and calling you? Dad as liaison makes much more sense. 

lc07

mrs4everhart said:

DH has an uncle (his Dad's brother) who he has always felt he's gotten along well with. They're not super close but they've never been on bad terms or anything. We sent he and his wife an invite to our wedding. They couldn't be bothered to return the RSVP. Ok, fine, people get busy, blah, blah, blah. I think it's super rude to not return someone's RSVP and it happens to be a pet peeve of mine, but I let it go.

When DH called him to confirm (we assumed they weren't coming, but still) he was super flippant about the whole thing. Ok, still fine. DH then told him we'd be hosting a party about a week after we got home and extended the invite for it at that time. Totally noncommittal. I guess this guy has never thrown a party where a head count would be appreciated, I don't know. He never bothered to let us know they weren't able to attend. They didn't show up. Never received even a card congratulating us. Sure, whatever.

They are hosting Thanksgiving for the (invited) paternal side of DH's family. The only way we'd know such a thing is when he invited his brother, my FIL, he threw out an aside "you can let A&B know they are invited too."

Um, really? We're married adults in our 30's. If you'd like to invite us somewhere, please pick up a phone. It seems strange to invite people you've made zero effort to connect with to an event as an extension of someone else's invitation. Doesn't it?

Should this rub us the wrong way? 

Don't make me sing Disney.

Your answer is the bolded. I don't think you let it go and if I were you I'd let it go.

mrs4everhart

esstee33 said:

mrs4everhart said:

esstee33 said:

mrs4everhart said:

jdluvr06 said:

I really don't understand what the problem is. Some people are really casual about this stuff, especially about family functions. It is a family thanksgiving dinner not some kind of formal event.

I suppose there really is no "problem" per se. It just rubbed us both wrong. We've invited the guy and his wife to multiple (formal/semi formal) events he couldn't be bothered to let us know if they were coming to until we had to track him down for the first then said fuck it for the second, then he's going to extend a holiday invite through another person? 

In my family it might not cause the same issue but we're all pretty tight and a "hey, tell A&B we're doing such and such" probably would be okay. But DH's family is not super tight and after his odd behavior recently I would think he'd want to extend an invitation to his nephew and I himself?

I'm not irate or freaking out or anything, like I said, it just rubbed us both the wrong way and I wasn't sure if the bristling was justified.

Maybe these two things really aren't on the same plane and shouldn't be factored in together in the first place? 

I really don't think they are. Some people are just clueless about the importance of RSVPs for weddings, or they just can't be bothered to deal with it, even if they DO know the importance of them. I had like 6 people RSVP and no-show, then send their child along with their parent in their place. That's my stepmom's family -- no fucking clue. Not everyone "gets it" and this uncle might not even have any clue that you're sitting over there beef stewin' because he didn't RSVP to your wedding HOW LONG AGO? I'd get right the hell over that and stop holding grudges and using them to color your interpretation of current events, especially when we're talking about a verbal invite to a party. 

Furthermore, I think it's really common for siblings to still address each other's children through their sibling, even when the kids are adults. I'm positive my uncle (dad's brother) would invite me to get-togethers through my dad, even though they have my contact information. We're just not that close and that's how my family rolls. No big deal. 

I feel like if they just deliberately didn't invite you at all, you might have some reason to be pissy about it. But this is not that.

Our wedding was only about six weeks ago, so it's not like this is ancient history. Our AHR was even less time ago. Our wedding invites were standard mailed invites with pre-addressed, stamped RSVP cards. The AHR invite was verbal because we saw how he really hit it out of the park walking that RSVP card to his mailbox for our wedding, we figured we'd save ourselves the effort mailing an invite to our AHR and just invited them while calling to get his yay or nay about the wedding.

I can't say I'm going to spend much more time worrying about whether we're in the right or the wrong about being bothered by the whole situation. I could bet my life on the fact that my DH won't be quick to get over what he sees as shitty behavior, whether he's justified in that feeling or not. This is a family with so much this-one-doesn't-speak-to-that-one kind of bullshit it's really par for the course and just more dramatic family history in the making. 

Yeah, six weeks is plenty of time to get over it. 

And plus also, I guess I'm also not really sure what you're even mad about, honestly. You verbally invited him to your AHR, and that was apparently acceptable, so you can't really judge him for a verbal invite to Thanksgiving. I can see kinda side-eyeing the second-hand invite, but I really don't think that's a big deal to most people. I can also see why the uncle would maybe assume that calling you would be MORE weird given your not-very-close relationship with him. Maybe he's trying to extend an invitation to get to know you better, but he's not comfortable just up and calling you? Dad as liaison makes much more sense. 

At this point we're now just venturing in to vast presumptions and speculation. Who knows why the uncle (a) thought it would be okay to not return the wedding RSVP in the first place (b) why he didn't let us know whether they'd be attending the local party (c) why they opted to not come or (d) why he thought extending an invite to Thanksgiving via his sibling who won't be attending either was okay. We'll never know the answer to any of these things. In many families the role of looking in to at least A-C would fall on the sibling, my FIL, but he has no fucks to give and wouldn't waste the breath. 

In the long run my DH will have to decide how he'd like to handle future relations with that part of his family. My jury is still out whether the annoyance is justified but whether it is or it isn't, it's still there, at least for my DH. I'm not likely to harbor resentment about this type of shit for long. DH is another story. 

lc07

mrs4everhart said:

esstee33 said:

mrs4everhart said:

esstee33 said:

mrs4everhart said:

jdluvr06 said:

I really don't understand what the problem is. Some people are really casual about this stuff, especially about family functions. It is a family thanksgiving dinner not some kind of formal event.

I suppose there really is no "problem" per se. It just rubbed us both wrong. We've invited the guy and his wife to multiple (formal/semi formal) events he couldn't be bothered to let us know if they were coming to until we had to track him down for the first then said fuck it for the second, then he's going to extend a holiday invite through another person? 

In my family it might not cause the same issue but we're all pretty tight and a "hey, tell A&B we're doing such and such" probably would be okay. But DH's family is not super tight and after his odd behavior recently I would think he'd want to extend an invitation to his nephew and I himself?

I'm not irate or freaking out or anything, like I said, it just rubbed us both the wrong way and I wasn't sure if the bristling was justified.

Maybe these two things really aren't on the same plane and shouldn't be factored in together in the first place? 

I really don't think they are. Some people are just clueless about the importance of RSVPs for weddings, or they just can't be bothered to deal with it, even if they DO know the importance of them. I had like 6 people RSVP and no-show, then send their child along with their parent in their place. That's my stepmom's family -- no fucking clue. Not everyone "gets it" and this uncle might not even have any clue that you're sitting over there beef stewin' because he didn't RSVP to your wedding HOW LONG AGO? I'd get right the hell over that and stop holding grudges and using them to color your interpretation of current events, especially when we're talking about a verbal invite to a party. 

Furthermore, I think it's really common for siblings to still address each other's children through their sibling, even when the kids are adults. I'm positive my uncle (dad's brother) would invite me to get-togethers through my dad, even though they have my contact information. We're just not that close and that's how my family rolls. No big deal. 

I feel like if they just deliberately didn't invite you at all, you might have some reason to be pissy about it. But this is not that.

Our wedding was only about six weeks ago, so it's not like this is ancient history. Our AHR was even less time ago. Our wedding invites were standard mailed invites with pre-addressed, stamped RSVP cards. The AHR invite was verbal because we saw how he really hit it out of the park walking that RSVP card to his mailbox for our wedding, we figured we'd save ourselves the effort mailing an invite to our AHR and just invited them while calling to get his yay or nay about the wedding.

I can't say I'm going to spend much more time worrying about whether we're in the right or the wrong about being bothered by the whole situation. I could bet my life on the fact that my DH won't be quick to get over what he sees as shitty behavior, whether he's justified in that feeling or not. This is a family with so much this-one-doesn't-speak-to-that-one kind of bullshit it's really par for the course and just more dramatic family history in the making. 

Yeah, six weeks is plenty of time to get over it. 

And plus also, I guess I'm also not really sure what you're even mad about, honestly. You verbally invited him to your AHR, and that was apparently acceptable, so you can't really judge him for a verbal invite to Thanksgiving. I can see kinda side-eyeing the second-hand invite, but I really don't think that's a big deal to most people. I can also see why the uncle would maybe assume that calling you would be MORE weird given your not-very-close relationship with him. Maybe he's trying to extend an invitation to get to know you better, but he's not comfortable just up and calling you? Dad as liaison makes much more sense. 

At this point we're now just venturing in to vast presumptions and speculation. Who knows why the uncle (a) thought it would be okay to not return the wedding RSVP in the first place (b) why he didn't let us know whether they'd be attending the local party (c) why they opted to not come or (d) why he thought extending an invite to Thanksgiving via his sibling who won't be attending either was okay. We'll never know the answer to any of these things. In many families the role of looking in to at least A-C would fall on the sibling, my FIL, but he has no fucks to give and wouldn't waste the breath. 

In the long run my DH will have to decide how he'd like to handle future relations with that part of his family. My jury is still out whether the annoyance is justified but whether it is or it isn't, it's still there, at least for my DH. I'm not likely to harbor resentment about this type of shit for long. DH is another story. 

Oh my God, just let it go. How can this possibly be this big of a deal in yours and H's life? Is there nothing else to get worked up about? Fuck. I'm jealous. 

NYCMercedes

mrs4everhart said:

esstee33 said:

mrs4everhart said:

esstee33 said:

mrs4everhart said:

jdluvr06 said:

I really don't understand what the problem is. Some people are really casual about this stuff, especially about family functions. It is a family thanksgiving dinner not some kind of formal event.

I suppose there really is no "problem" per se. It just rubbed us both wrong. We've invited the guy and his wife to multiple (formal/semi formal) events he couldn't be bothered to let us know if they were coming to until we had to track him down for the first then said fuck it for the second, then he's going to extend a holiday invite through another person? 

In my family it might not cause the same issue but we're all pretty tight and a "hey, tell A&B we're doing such and such" probably would be okay. But DH's family is not super tight and after his odd behavior recently I would think he'd want to extend an invitation to his nephew and I himself?

I'm not irate or freaking out or anything, like I said, it just rubbed us both the wrong way and I wasn't sure if the bristling was justified.

Maybe these two things really aren't on the same plane and shouldn't be factored in together in the first place? 

I really don't think they are. Some people are just clueless about the importance of RSVPs for weddings, or they just can't be bothered to deal with it, even if they DO know the importance of them. I had like 6 people RSVP and no-show, then send their child along with their parent in their place. That's my stepmom's family -- no fucking clue. Not everyone "gets it" and this uncle might not even have any clue that you're sitting over there beef stewin' because he didn't RSVP to your wedding HOW LONG AGO? I'd get right the hell over that and stop holding grudges and using them to color your interpretation of current events, especially when we're talking about a verbal invite to a party. 

Furthermore, I think it's really common for siblings to still address each other's children through their sibling, even when the kids are adults. I'm positive my uncle (dad's brother) would invite me to get-togethers through my dad, even though they have my contact information. We're just not that close and that's how my family rolls. No big deal. 

I feel like if they just deliberately didn't invite you at all, you might have some reason to be pissy about it. But this is not that.

Our wedding was only about six weeks ago, so it's not like this is ancient history. Our AHR was even less time ago. Our wedding invites were standard mailed invites with pre-addressed, stamped RSVP cards. The AHR invite was verbal because we saw how he really hit it out of the park walking that RSVP card to his mailbox for our wedding, we figured we'd save ourselves the effort mailing an invite to our AHR and just invited them while calling to get his yay or nay about the wedding.

I can't say I'm going to spend much more time worrying about whether we're in the right or the wrong about being bothered by the whole situation. I could bet my life on the fact that my DH won't be quick to get over what he sees as shitty behavior, whether he's justified in that feeling or not. This is a family with so much this-one-doesn't-speak-to-that-one kind of bullshit it's really par for the course and just more dramatic family history in the making. 

Yeah, six weeks is plenty of time to get over it. 

And plus also, I guess I'm also not really sure what you're even mad about, honestly. You verbally invited him to your AHR, and that was apparently acceptable, so you can't really judge him for a verbal invite to Thanksgiving. I can see kinda side-eyeing the second-hand invite, but I really don't think that's a big deal to most people. I can also see why the uncle would maybe assume that calling you would be MORE weird given your not-very-close relationship with him. Maybe he's trying to extend an invitation to get to know you better, but he's not comfortable just up and calling you? Dad as liaison makes much more sense. 

At this point we're now just venturing in to vast presumptions and speculation. Who knows why the uncle (a) thought it would be okay to not return the wedding RSVP in the first place (b) why he didn't let us know whether they'd be attending the local party (c) why they opted to not come or (d) why he thought extending an invite to Thanksgiving via his sibling who won't be attending either was okay. We'll never know the answer to any of these things. In many families the role of looking in to at least A-C would fall on the sibling, my FIL, but he has no fucks to give and wouldn't waste the breath. 

In the long run my DH will have to decide how he'd like to handle future relations with that part of his family. My jury is still out whether the annoyance is justified but whether it is or it isn't, it's still there, at least for my DH. I'm not likely to harbor resentment about this type of shit for long. DH is another story. 

It's just the way he is. Simple. Not rocket science.

mrs4everhart

lc07 said:

mrs4everhart said:

esstee33 said:

mrs4everhart said:

esstee33 said:

mrs4everhart said:

jdluvr06 said:

I really don't understand what the problem is. Some people are really casual about this stuff, especially about family functions. It is a family thanksgiving dinner not some kind of formal event.

I suppose there really is no "problem" per se. It just rubbed us both wrong. We've invited the guy and his wife to multiple (formal/semi formal) events he couldn't be bothered to let us know if they were coming to until we had to track him down for the first then said fuck it for the second, then he's going to extend a holiday invite through another person? 

In my family it might not cause the same issue but we're all pretty tight and a "hey, tell A&B we're doing such and such" probably would be okay. But DH's family is not super tight and after his odd behavior recently I would think he'd want to extend an invitation to his nephew and I himself?

I'm not irate or freaking out or anything, like I said, it just rubbed us both the wrong way and I wasn't sure if the bristling was justified.

Maybe these two things really aren't on the same plane and shouldn't be factored in together in the first place? 

I really don't think they are. Some people are just clueless about the importance of RSVPs for weddings, or they just can't be bothered to deal with it, even if they DO know the importance of them. I had like 6 people RSVP and no-show, then send their child along with their parent in their place. That's my stepmom's family -- no fucking clue. Not everyone "gets it" and this uncle might not even have any clue that you're sitting over there beef stewin' because he didn't RSVP to your wedding HOW LONG AGO? I'd get right the hell over that and stop holding grudges and using them to color your interpretation of current events, especially when we're talking about a verbal invite to a party. 

Furthermore, I think it's really common for siblings to still address each other's children through their sibling, even when the kids are adults. I'm positive my uncle (dad's brother) would invite me to get-togethers through my dad, even though they have my contact information. We're just not that close and that's how my family rolls. No big deal. 

I feel like if they just deliberately didn't invite you at all, you might have some reason to be pissy about it. But this is not that.

Our wedding was only about six weeks ago, so it's not like this is ancient history. Our AHR was even less time ago. Our wedding invites were standard mailed invites with pre-addressed, stamped RSVP cards. The AHR invite was verbal because we saw how he really hit it out of the park walking that RSVP card to his mailbox for our wedding, we figured we'd save ourselves the effort mailing an invite to our AHR and just invited them while calling to get his yay or nay about the wedding.

I can't say I'm going to spend much more time worrying about whether we're in the right or the wrong about being bothered by the whole situation. I could bet my life on the fact that my DH won't be quick to get over what he sees as shitty behavior, whether he's justified in that feeling or not. This is a family with so much this-one-doesn't-speak-to-that-one kind of bullshit it's really par for the course and just more dramatic family history in the making. 

Yeah, six weeks is plenty of time to get over it. 

And plus also, I guess I'm also not really sure what you're even mad about, honestly. You verbally invited him to your AHR, and that was apparently acceptable, so you can't really judge him for a verbal invite to Thanksgiving. I can see kinda side-eyeing the second-hand invite, but I really don't think that's a big deal to most people. I can also see why the uncle would maybe assume that calling you would be MORE weird given your not-very-close relationship with him. Maybe he's trying to extend an invitation to get to know you better, but he's not comfortable just up and calling you? Dad as liaison makes much more sense. 

At this point we're now just venturing in to vast presumptions and speculation. Who knows why the uncle (a) thought it would be okay to not return the wedding RSVP in the first place (b) why he didn't let us know whether they'd be attending the local party (c) why they opted to not come or (d) why he thought extending an invite to Thanksgiving via his sibling who won't be attending either was okay. We'll never know the answer to any of these things. In many families the role of looking in to at least A-C would fall on the sibling, my FIL, but he has no fucks to give and wouldn't waste the breath. 

In the long run my DH will have to decide how he'd like to handle future relations with that part of his family. My jury is still out whether the annoyance is justified but whether it is or it isn't, it's still there, at least for my DH. I'm not likely to harbor resentment about this type of shit for long. DH is another story. 

Oh my God, just let it go. How can this possibly be this big of a deal in yours and H's life? Is there nothing else to get worked up about? Fuck. I'm jealous. 

Who's worked up? 

I asked in my original question if this seems like the type of thing that being rubbed the wrong way is valid over. Trust, if I were "worked up" I'd be livid and I have a terrible temper and wouldn't wonder for a second if I were justified or not because I wouldn't care. Rubbed the wrong way to me is synonymous with annoyed or irritated. Worked up is pissed off, livid and in a blind rage. I don't find myself that impassioned about much. Certainly not my husband's family's weird manners.

The strange, second-hand invite only came about yesterday (or at least that's when we first heard about it) so it's not like anyone has been miffed for long. 

Regardless, I can't really tell my husband how he's supposed to feel, now can I? 

lc07

At this point we're now just venturing in to vast presumptions and speculation. Who knows why the uncle (a) thought it would be okay to not return the wedding RSVP in the first place (b) why he didn't let us know whether they'd be attending the local party (c) why they opted to not come or (d) why he thought extending an invite to Thanksgiving via his sibling who won't be attending either was okay. We'll never know the answer to any of these things. In many families the role of looking in to at least A-C would fall on the sibling, my FIL, but he has no fucks to give and wouldn't waste the breath. 

In the long run my DH will have to decide how he'd like to handle future relations with that part of his family. My jury is still out whether the annoyance is justified but whether it is or it isn't, it's still there, at least for my DH. I'm not likely to harbor resentment about this type of shit for long. DH is another story. 

Oh my God, just let it go. How can this possibly be this big of a deal in yours and H's life? Is there nothing else to get worked up about? Fuck. I'm jealous. 

Who's worked up? 

I asked in my original question if this seems like the type of thing that being rubbed the wrong way is valid over. Trust, if I were "worked up" I'd be livid and I have a terrible temper and wouldn't wonder for a second if I were justified or not because I wouldn't care. Rubbed the wrong way to me is synonymous with annoyed or irritated. Worked up is pissed off, livid and in a blind rage. I don't find myself that impassioned about much. Certainly not my husband's family's weird manners.

The strange, second-hand invite only came about yesterday (or at least that's when we first heard about it) so it's not like anyone has been miffed for long. 

Regardless, I can't really tell my husband how he's supposed to feel, now can I? 

Of course you can't tell your husband how he's supposed to feel. But to be harboring long term resentment over things like a verbal invitation to Thanksgiving is going to give him heart disease FFS. It's really just not that big of a deal.

beethery

There's a loooooot to read in all this so make sure I got this all right:

-They didn't RSVP to your wedding and then didn't go. Ok.

-You gave them a verbal invite to your AHR. They didn't attend. Ok.

-You aren't super close with these people. Alright.

-They verbally extend you an invite via your relative, to an event you probably weren't going to go to anyway as you are A) Not thrilled with them right now and Aren't that close with them.

Put it in the don't care pile and move on. Ain't that big of a deal if you are not super close with them anyway.

MobKaz

Viczaesar

So you're surprised that the person who didn't see the importance in RSVPing to either your destination "wedding" or your after party deals with his own events by sending out information by word of mouth and is not concerned with getting an accurate headcount?  That doesn't sound out of character for him at all.

mrs4everhart

Thank you to those who solely addressed the question: "should we be annoyed?" and gave me the opportunity to compare/contrast our situation with what other people may consider "the norm."

As an only-child with a very small, tight-knit family (and a snappy temper) sometimes I really need to check myself and the way I either react to things or advise those closest to me when appropriate or asked for my opinion. I'm one of those people who don't automatically believe it's okay to treat me poorly just because we're related. Given DH's crazy family dynamic I want to make sure I'm never leading him astray with possibly agreeing with his (possibly incorrect take on things) or telling him it's okay to say "fuck it, not your deal" when that's the very worst advice possible. 

Should I pose these types of questions to those closest to me I'll either be reminded that DH's family dynamic is just crazy (which may be true, but that's still not helpful) or I'm engaging in gossip with mutual relations, which isn't really cool either.

One thing I can always get around here is a diverse group of opinions from people with no vested interest, so long as I'm willing to wade through some childish bullshit to get there.