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need help on wedding gift etiquette!!!

bbydedebbydede member
Sixth Anniversary First Comment
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
We had a destination wedding in the Colorado mountains since our guests/families would be coming from all over the US/world. We were so happy for those guests that came and didn't expect gifts from them since they spent money to travel to the wedding. But there were a few of our friends who we had really done big favors for that did not come to the wedding and also never sent a gift. Now, these exact same people are asking to hang out with us and "catch up". How do I handle this? One of these girls I dropped $1,000 to be a bridesmaid in her wedding and she went total bridezilla on everyone. I still got her 3 total wedding gifts (1 for each function we attended) and literally ate pancake mix for several days to be able to get her nice gifts. I even had to spend an extra $75 covering up the satin on our bridesmaid dresses with chiffon because she decided she didn't like the dresses SHE picked out.  Another friend who we treated to a vacation at our place free overseas (some food and liquor too) last year turned down being in my wedding party saying they didn't have enough vacation time. Now they want to hang out too.
Can you ever be honest with these people or do I have to keep politely blowing them off forever? We give you a free stay in Europe and you can't even send us a wedding gift or even a card? I don't think I ever want to hang out with these people again? Is it wrong to feel like this?
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Re: need help on wedding gift etiquette!!!

  • beetherybeethery member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    Nobody owes you a present or a congratulatory card. If you think people owe you these things, seek professional help.
    --

    I'm the fuck     out.

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  • bbydedebbydede member
    Sixth Anniversary First Comment
    So you don't believe in recriprocation? If someone got you a baby shower gift, you would go to their baby shower empty handed? Like hey! I'm just here for the free wine and food! DID SOMEONE SAY CAKE???
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  • slothiegalslothiegal member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper


    bbydede said:
    We had a destination wedding in the Colorado mountains since our guests/families would be coming from all over the US/world. We were so happy for those guests that came and didn't expect gifts from them since they spent money to travel to the wedding. But there were a few of our friends who we had really done big favors for that did not come to the wedding and also never sent a gift. Now, these exact same people are asking to hang out with us and "catch up". How do I handle this? One of these girls I dropped $1,000 to be a bridesmaid in her wedding and she went total bridezilla on everyone. I still got her 3 total wedding gifts (1 for each function we attended) and literally ate pancake mix for several days to be able to get her nice gifts. I even had to spend an extra $75 covering up the satin on our bridesmaid dresses with chiffon because she decided she didn't like the dresses SHE picked out.  Another friend who we treated to a vacation at our place free overseas (some food and liquor too) last year turned down being in my wedding party saying they didn't have enough vacation time. Now they want to hang out too.
    Can you ever be honest with these people or do I have to keep politely blowing them off forever? We give you a free stay in Europe and you can't even send us a wedding gift or even a card? I don't think I ever want to hang out with these people again? Is it wrong to feel like this?
    So I just want to know how this "honest" conversation would go.

    "Hey, can't make lunch with you next week.  Or ever, really.  Why?  Remember how you gave a perfectly legitimate reason for not being in my wedding party and, in doing so, potentially saved me some stress and trouble down the line?  Yeah, we can't be friends anymore."

    If you keep score in relationships (friends, family, SO, whatever), you're going to end up a very sad, resentful, lonely person.
    Anniversary

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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    Moderator 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    So you have friends to whom you're close enough to stand up in their wedding and invite them to your DW. They can't go and they don't send a gift/envelope. You are hurt. Now they want to hang out and you are asking "how to handle it".

    You have two choices: 1) stop being bitter that they didn't give you presents. Let it goooo. Hang out with them - why wreck a friendship over a gift? Or 2) tell them you are cutting off the friendship because they didn't give you a wedding present.

    Which feels more right to you?
    *********************************************************************************

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  • jacques27jacques27 member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited November 2014
    AddieCake said:
    You would end a friendship over this? I think you should tell them the truth. These people deserve to know what kind of person you are so THEY can dump YOU as a friend.
    So much this.

    Or just go ahead and dump them yourself.  They've already wasted enough of their time trying to be friends with a bean counter who keeps a scoresheet - they shouldn't have to waste any more time listening to you rattle off your scoresheet and that drivel you posted above.  Consider it one last favor to them for the road.
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  • MobKazMobKaz member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    bbydede said:
    We had a destination wedding in the Colorado mountains since our guests/families would be coming from all over the US/world. We were so happy for those guests that came and didn't expect gifts from them since they spent money to travel to the wedding. But there were a few of our friends who we had really done big favors for that did not come to the wedding and also never sent a gift. Now, these exact same people are asking to hang out with us and "catch up". How do I handle this? One of these girls I dropped $1,000 to be a bridesmaid in her wedding and she went total bridezilla on everyone. I still got her 3 total wedding gifts (1 for each function we attended) and literally ate pancake mix for several days to be able to get her nice gifts. I even had to spend an extra $75 covering up the satin on our bridesmaid dresses with chiffon because she decided she didn't like the dresses SHE picked out.  Another friend who we treated to a vacation at our place free overseas (some food and liquor too) last year turned down being in my wedding party saying they didn't have enough vacation time. Now they want to hang out too.
    Can you ever be honest with these people or do I have to keep politely blowing them off forever? We give you a free stay in Europe and you can't even send us a wedding gift or even a card? I don't think I ever want to hang out with these people again? Is it wrong to feel like this?
    Apparently, you did not do them a "favor".  It sounds more like an IOU.  You did not give them a free stay if it had strings attached to it. 
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  • redoryxredoryx member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited November 2014
    bbydede said:
    We had a destination wedding in the Colorado mountains since our guests/families would be coming from all over the US/world. We were so happy for those guests that came and didn't expect gifts from them since they spent money to travel to the wedding. But there were a few of our friends who we had really done big favors for that did not come to the wedding and also never sent a gift. Now, these exact same people are asking to hang out with us and "catch up". How do I handle this? One of these girls I dropped $1,000 to be a bridesmaid in her wedding and she went total bridezilla on everyone. I still got her 3 total wedding gifts (1 for each function we attended) and literally ate pancake mix for several days to be able to get her nice gifts. I even had to spend an extra $75 covering up the satin on our bridesmaid dresses with chiffon because she decided she didn't like the dresses SHE picked out.  Another friend who we treated to a vacation at our place free overseas (some food and liquor too) last year turned down being in my wedding party saying they didn't have enough vacation time. Now they want to hang out too.
    Can you ever be honest with these people or do I have to keep politely blowing them off forever? We give you a free stay in Europe and you can't even send us a wedding gift or even a card? I don't think I ever want to hang out with these people again? Is it wrong to feel like this?
    You say you don't expect gifts then are upset that people didn't give you gifts. So it seems like you actually did expect gifts which is really not cool for a lot of reasons, the first of which is that gifts are not required at weddings. And your baby shower example later doesn't work because a shower, by definition, is a gift giving event. You are showering the mother or bride to be with gifts. 

    Gifts are not a tit for tat situation. I give a friend a birthday present. By the time my birthday rolls around, they don't give me anything. Should I stop hanging out with them or make them pay for my dinner the next time we get together because of that? 
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  • RebeccaFlowerRebeccaFlower member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    I get it, OP. This would bother me also, but I can be petty... so, there's that. There is nothing you can do unless you want to look like an asshole. Vent to you H, but leave it there. 
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  • plainjane0415plainjane0415 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper

    Call me crazy, but when I help someone out, or buy them a gift it's because I want to.  Not because I'm expecting something from them in return.  Additionally, not to sound cheesy, but when I help others out and give them a gift to celebrate a joyous occasion such as a wedding or a baby it makes me really happy.  Maybe you should think about that OP.  Save yourself the drama.

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  • novella1186novella1186 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    I am so confused.... 

    OP, do you only do nice things for people in order to get gifts? Do you honestly think they OWE you gifts because you did an un-related thing for them? Like when you let that friend stay at your house, in your mind, were you just racking up gift points that they now owed you? 

    And are you seriously ready to end multiple friendships over not getting presents? 

    Unless you're a child and it's Christmas morning, I don't think anyone should ever be that caught-up in receiving gifts from people. 
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  • plainjane0415plainjane0415 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    sarahufl said:
    May I ask why you ate pancake mix? It seems like there would be suitable alternatives.

    Like being a responsible adult and purchasing a gift within a price range that you're comfortable with?  And not spending a ton of money because you are expecting it in return?  I don't know.. those both seem like good alternatives.
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    AddieCake said:
    You would end a friendship over this? I think you should tell them the truth. These people deserve to know what kind of person you are so THEY can dump YOU as a friend.
    I can't agree with this more. 

    Be honest with these people and tell them exactly why you no longer want to be friends. They should know what kind of person you are, and that you only do things for others so that they'll reciprocate. 

    You attitude is gross. 
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  • JeeGooDowsterJeeGooDowster member
    Seventh Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    I understand how you can feel a bit slighted.  I felt that way about some people at my wedding.

    HOWEVER, I don't think you should give gifts with hopes of getting gifts back, nor do I think that you should have expected gifts from anybody.  Also, don't ever rub it in their faces what you did for them because then you just look like an asshole/self-entitled bitch.  

    You can feel slighted and maybe a bit disappointed but at this point, you just have to leave it at that. I don't think it's worth breaking up a friendship, but if you feel that you don't want see them anymore because they didn't give you a gift, you should just politely decline.

    On another note maybe they want to give you a gift in person so they want to meet and catch up with you???  Just sayin....
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  • badbnagdwaybadbnagdway member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    mrsdowster said:


    On another note maybe they want to give you a gift in person so they want to meet and catch up with you???  Just sayin....
    This was actually my first thought. If I couldn't come to a friend's wedding, and it was possible for me to visit with the friend after the fact, there's a good chance I would want to give them a gift or card in person. Consider that most etiquette gurus will say that you have up to a year to send a gift anyway. 

    But bottom line, OP, you need to relax on the gifts. I know it is really hard when you do a lot for people and they don't seem to reciprocate, but when it comes to things that involve finances, like giving a gift or attending a wedding, appreciate that it should never be tit for tat. You never know what someone else's circumstances are.

    If someone is a bad friend in other ways, totally self-absorbed, always flaking on plans, always full of negativity, that is when you consider ending the friendship. 
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  • JaxInBlueJaxInBlue member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Name Dropper
    badbnagdway said:
    mrsdowster said:


    On another note maybe they want to give you a gift in person so they want to meet and catch up with you???  Just sayin....
    This was actually my first thought. If I couldn't come to a friend's wedding, and it was possible for me to visit with the friend after the fact, there's a good chance I would want to give them a gift or card in person. Consider that most etiquette gurus will say that you have up to a year to send a gift anyway. 

    It could be this. We missed a wedding in August.  After I knew the couple was back and maybe settled in, we met them for dinner and brought their gift with us.  We wanted to celebrate with them and bring our gift to them, rather than mailing it, especially since we were both local.  We chatted about their wedding, I got to tell the bride how awesome her dress looked since I'd seen pictures, and all that.

    But I also agree with dialing down the expectations, learning to say no (or to say I can only do X), and understanding that what you do for others won't always be reciprocated or at least won't necessarily be reciprocated in the short term or in the same fashion.  It's part of being reasonable and not scoring keeping in your friendships.
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  • fwtx5815fwtx5815 member
    500 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    1. Gifts are optional.


    2. There is a difference in etiquette as a GUEST and etiquette as a HOST.

    If I'm attending a wedding, I don't demand things from the hosts or possess a sense of entitlement, even if there are etiquette blunders that I would never make.
    As a host, I would never expect anything from my guests, even if my personal MO is to always bring a card, gift etc. (even though gifts are never required)

    If you go to a wedding and there aren't enough seats for everyone, that's kinda bad, right? That's poor hosting. But you wouldn't grab the nearest microphone and be like, "yo wheres my chiavari?"

    ----


     fka dallasbetch 


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  • GerbertmcwayGerbertmcway member
    100 Comments 100 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    I think it's absurd to be upset about not receiving a wedding gift from someone, especially someone who didn't even attend your wedding. I do, however, think it's reasonable to be upset if your friends did not acknowledge your wedding with a congratulatory card/phone call/text/email/whatever. Sure, they don't HAVE to do this, but why would a good friend not?
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  • APDSS22APDSS22 member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    There's a good possibility that they are just trying to "catch up with you" to give you a gift or at the very least their well wishes (that would've been in the cards) in person.  Even if they aren't going to give you something, they want to spend time with you, which is nice.  Maybe you should just give it a shot to keep friendships OP.

    I had a friend that couldn't come to my wedding because a mutual friend decided to get married the day after me in another state and she chose the other wedding.  I don't blame her, it was much cheaper for her to attend the other wedding.  We got together for the first time in a long time almost a full year after my wedding and she comes out with this awesome gift.  It was basically a date night in a bag.  I wasn't expecting anything, but it was super sweet of her.
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  • cambryncambryn member
    100 Comments Second Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    Sounds like you give too much of yourself- but then are hurt when others do not do the same. I get it- I do the same thing- where I throw myself into the deep end for people and they don't do the same.

    I have a friend I've gotten a few gifts for- and she didn't get me anything ever, even for my shower. Did I have a moment where I noticed this? Yes. Was there a bit of a touch of bitterness? Yep.

    Did I end our friendship over this? NO WAY!
    You're friends with them because you like them, not what they can do for you. 

    I agree with ADK19- read language of love. It'll give you some perspective on how not everyone conveys they care the same way as yourself. 

    If they are trying to reconnect with you, if you like them, do it :) Friends are a wonderful thing to have, and burning bridges over a brief moment of bitterness is not worth it. 
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  • annakay511annakay511 member
    Seventh Anniversary 100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    I would feel the exact same way!! People are selfish, that's the sad truth. I have a friend that over the years I have come to realize what I can expect from her - she doesn't go out of her way to do anything for anyone, ever. Its a hard pill to swallow sometimes but you have to decide if their friendship is worth keeping. (Also, sidenote, you should not have let yourself be a doormat to the bridezilla friend. You only needed to get her one gift for the shower, no matter how many you were invited to!)
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