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Oh boy... here we go

So yesterday I found out that one of FI's best friends proposed to his girlfriend. Yay! They've been together for over 5 years, and they are both great people. I honestly cried when I found out they were engaged! 

I didn't want to bombard her right off the bat, because I remember when I first got engaged I had a lot of phone calls to make and I was getting so so so many texts. I decided to just send her a facebook message so that I wouldn't steal her phone time, if that even makes sense lol. 

The message was just to say congratulations and if she wanted to ask me anything about planning to feel free, not that I'm an expert but I would love to help and offer whatever advice I could. She messaged me back right away and we started chatting back and forth. She mentioned she had "plenty of time" so she didn't need to start planning right away, but then mentioned she wanted her wedding to be right after mine. This kind of set off alarm bells. I was like "Wait a minute... my wedding is in less than six months... and she just said she didn't need to start planning anything!" Oh no! I didn't want to overwhelm her, but I said that she should probably start looking for her dress soon because they can take 6 to 8 months to order sometimes. I also told her she should start looking at venues ASAP because a lot of venues book out a year in advance (ours books out nearly TWO years in advance! That's why we'll have been engaged for more than a year and a half by the time our wedding rolls around.) 

She was really shocked to hear this, and didn't know where to start. I said to just figure out a budget first, she already has a general date so that's good, then the venue and dress. Then a caterer. 

Well, at the mention of a caterer she said she was going to have her FI's family cook and serve all the food. Then she said she wanted a really small ceremony and a really big reception. I didn't know what to say. I didn't feel like it was my place to scold her or lecture her on the proper etiquette here, and I didn't want to put a huge damper on her excitement. I already felt kind of bad for overwhelming her with the planning advice, so I just kind of left the other stuff alone. 

But I kindly directed her to TK. I hope she checks it out, and I hope she finds it useful! What would you have done here? She and I aren't super close-- we haven't had many chances to hang out because we live in different cities-- but I like her a lot! She's a cool person. 
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Re: Oh boy... here we go

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    I hope she checks it out too! I don't think I was planning anything terribly rude but the perspectives here are fantastic. 

    Hopefully she checks it out after this has made its way down the page though.
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
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    You're a good friend :)  Planning can be a little scary when you realize how much time some of these things take (ordering bridesmaid dresses was my "WTF??" moment.)  I Hope she participates on here.  TK helped me a lot!
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    goldchocobo thank you! I've been a little worried that I wasn't doing the right thing. I wanted to be helpful but not rude or pushy. But I didn't want to not tell her things I really should have told her. I felt like it was a tough situation. It seemed like my best option was to just let her know about TK :S 
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    Oh no... I really hope she figures out what a terrible idea that is before she starts making actual plans! Good job on sending her here. 

    Sometimes there's nothing really you can say without being super rude about her rudeness. 
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    esstee33 said:
    Oh no... I really hope she figures out what a terrible idea that is before she starts making actual plans! Good job on sending her here. 

    Sometimes there's nothing really you can say without being super rude about her rudeness. 
    Lol I know! I hate it! and I'm a total chicken too so I'm always thinking "wait should I say this? No I can't, it's rude. But I need to say it! No I won't say it. Damn I should have said it!" 
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    This does not sound good. 
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    raissyraisraissyrais member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper First Anniversary
    edited November 2014
    You did well Novella darling to steer her in the TK direction. Hopefully she will lurk and read and realize that what she is planning to do is somewhat rude. I wish I had your courage and tell my FSIL about it cause she's doing the same thing and even has invitations called Evening Invitations and posted it on FB telling people not to feel bad if they don't get one... Please please don't let your friend do this!!!

    ETD: Grammar
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    You did well Novella darling to steer her in the TK direction. Hopefully she will lurk and read and realize that what she is planning to do is somewhat rude. I wish I had your courage and tell my FSIL about it cause she's doing the same thing and even has invitations called Evening Invitations and posted it on FB telling people not to feel bad if they don't get one... Please please don't let your friend do this!!!

    ETD: Grammar
    Oh man. It is really hard to watch a train wreck that you know you could try to prevent, but at the same time I understand that some things are just none of my business :( 

    Tough situation with your FSIL! Stay strong! 
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    pinkcow13 said:
    I would have done the same as you. 

    Honestly, in my case, when I was first got engaged, I was super excited. I had all these ideas in my head at once, and those first few days there was crazy wedding regurgitation coming out of my mouth. A friend had told me she was doing a honeyfund in the past, so I immediately wanted one."So cool and modern! Plus we live together and have everything we need" I enthusiastically thought. My bachelorrette party was going to be in Miami. Or Cabo. The first venue we visited was in a loft space. The smaller space had a small outdoor section which only fit 85 guests, and the reception area held over 100, so I thought, well only some people will be invited to the ceremony, the rest to the reception. 

    Once my wedding high was over, though, I really started thinking about things logically. I also spent more time on TK and discovered these boards, and by lurking I realized that some of my ideas were horrible. In fact, I was starting to waver on the Honeyfund thing, and I posed the question here, and was educated on the tackiness of it. 

    Hopefully this is the case with your friend, and once her engagement high is over, she will start thinking more logically, read these boards or etiquette books/sites, and plan a fabulous wedding!
    This is so true. I had all kinds of dumb ideas in my head before I actually started planning for real. Some people settle down and let logic and etiquette take over, and some firmly cling to the special snowflake "visions," but I tell myself they're just a vocal minority.
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    This baby knows exactly how I feel
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    You did good. Hopefully she lurks all the right threads :)

    I think if she were to ask you again for opinions or help, it might be okay to say, "you know, I had a friend do a small ceremony and big reception, and people were upset because they wanted to actually see them be married."

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    pinkcow13 said:
    I would have done the same as you. 

    Honestly, in my case, when I was first got engaged, I was super excited. I had all these ideas in my head at once, and those first few days there was crazy wedding regurgitation coming out of my mouth. A friend had told me she was doing a honeyfund in the past, so I immediately wanted one."So cool and modern! Plus we live together and have everything we need" I enthusiastically thought. My bachelorrette party was going to be in Miami. Or Cabo. The first venue we visited was in a loft space. The smaller space had a small outdoor section which only fit 85 guests, and the reception area held over 100, so I thought, well only some people will be invited to the ceremony, the rest to the reception. 

    Once my wedding high was over, though, I really started thinking about things logically. I also spent more time on TK and discovered these boards, and by lurking I realized that some of my ideas were horrible. In fact, I was starting to waver on the Honeyfund thing, and I posed the question here, and was educated on the tackiness of it. 

    Hopefully this is the case with your friend, and once her engagement high is over, she will start thinking more logically, read these boards or etiquette books/sites, and plan a fabulous wedding!
    I had all sorts of idiotic ideas in the beginning. Private ceremony, hanging off a cliff, asking for no gifts *shudder* 
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    pinkcow13 said:
    I would have done the same as you. 

    Honestly, in my case, when I was first got engaged, I was super excited. I had all these ideas in my head at once, and those first few days there was crazy wedding regurgitation coming out of my mouth. A friend had told me she was doing a honeyfund in the past, so I immediately wanted one."So cool and modern! Plus we live together and have everything we need" I enthusiastically thought. My bachelorrette party was going to be in Miami. Or Cabo. The first venue we visited was in a loft space. The smaller space had a small outdoor section which only fit 85 guests, and the reception area held over 100, so I thought, well only some people will be invited to the ceremony, the rest to the reception. 

    Once my wedding high was over, though, I really started thinking about things logically. I also spent more time on TK and discovered these boards, and by lurking I realized that some of my ideas were horrible. In fact, I was starting to waver on the Honeyfund thing, and I posed the question here, and was educated on the tackiness of it. 

    Hopefully this is the case with your friend, and once her engagement high is over, she will start thinking more logically, read these boards or etiquette books/sites, and plan a fabulous wedding!
    I had all sorts of idiotic ideas in the beginning. Private ceremony, hanging off a cliff, asking for no gifts *shudder* 
    I also had the brilliant no gifts idea. *Hangs head in shame.*

    I can proudly say though, that the thought of a PPD or Cash bar never crossed my mind. Nothing infuriates me more than a cash bar at a wedding.
                                 Anniversary
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    I just got double whammied! My friend from high school who is planning a DW (I've mentioned this on here before because I got no STD and no invitation from her but a mass text stating how much I needed to pay her travel agent, etc) is now sending out invites to her shower. 

    I was suspicious about being invited to her small, intimate DW because we aren't close at all anymore, and I know this is really pessimistic and not nice of me to think, but I kind of felt like I was only invited cuz my family "has money." All the years we were friends she would always comment about this and say that it's "good to keep a rich friend around, for the perks." 

    She mentioned that she's sending a shower invite to my mom. My mom is not invited to the wedding. I guess she wants all the "rich friends" to be at the shower to ensure she gets the best gifts? 

    Again, not my place to say anything to her, but I'm slightly offended that she's using my mom for a gift! 
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    I just got double whammied! My friend from high school who is planning a DW (I've mentioned this on here before because I got no STD and no invitation from her but a mass text stating how much I needed to pay her travel agent, etc) is now sending out invites to her shower. 

    I was suspicious about being invited to her small, intimate DW because we aren't close at all anymore, and I know this is really pessimistic and not nice of me to think, but I kind of felt like I was only invited cuz my family "has money." All the years we were friends she would always comment about this and say that it's "good to keep a rich friend around, for the perks." 

    She mentioned that she's sending a shower invite to my mom. My mom is not invited to the wedding. I guess she wants all the "rich friends" to be at the shower to ensure she gets the best gifts? 

    Again, not my place to say anything to her, but I'm slightly offended that she's using my mom for a gift! 
    You know a lot of crazy people, girl. 

    Maybe she thinks you won't come to the DW because you're not very close, but that you'd send a gift anyway. 
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    esstee33 said:
    I just got double whammied! My friend from high school who is planning a DW (I've mentioned this on here before because I got no STD and no invitation from her but a mass text stating how much I needed to pay her travel agent, etc) is now sending out invites to her shower. 

    I was suspicious about being invited to her small, intimate DW because we aren't close at all anymore, and I know this is really pessimistic and not nice of me to think, but I kind of felt like I was only invited cuz my family "has money." All the years we were friends she would always comment about this and say that it's "good to keep a rich friend around, for the perks." 

    She mentioned that she's sending a shower invite to my mom. My mom is not invited to the wedding. I guess she wants all the "rich friends" to be at the shower to ensure she gets the best gifts? 

    Again, not my place to say anything to her, but I'm slightly offended that she's using my mom for a gift! 
    You know a lot of crazy people, girl. 

    Maybe she thinks you won't come to the DW because you're not very close, but that you'd send a gift anyway. 
    I bet you're right! And she's having a PPD when she gets back, so I'm sure she'll be registered for that too. 3 gifts for someone I hardly know these days? Hm... no. 
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    esstee33 said:
    I just got double whammied! My friend from high school who is planning a DW (I've mentioned this on here before because I got no STD and no invitation from her but a mass text stating how much I needed to pay her travel agent, etc) is now sending out invites to her shower. 

    I was suspicious about being invited to her small, intimate DW because we aren't close at all anymore, and I know this is really pessimistic and not nice of me to think, but I kind of felt like I was only invited cuz my family "has money." All the years we were friends she would always comment about this and say that it's "good to keep a rich friend around, for the perks." 

    She mentioned that she's sending a shower invite to my mom. My mom is not invited to the wedding. I guess she wants all the "rich friends" to be at the shower to ensure she gets the best gifts? 

    Again, not my place to say anything to her, but I'm slightly offended that she's using my mom for a gift! 
    You know a lot of crazy people, girl. 

    Maybe she thinks you won't come to the DW because you're not very close, but that you'd send a gift anyway. 
    I bet you're right! And she's having a PPD when she gets back, so I'm sure she'll be registered for that too. 3 gifts for someone I hardly know these days? Hm... no. 
    Ew to all of this.  

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    One of my good friends is planning her wedding. Her & I always talk wedding stuff since I was just planning mine, so she emailed me asking about "I already paid for the bridesmaids shoes and I think I'm going to get them robes for the rest of the gift- you know for getting ready pics- what do you think?" I was always wondering if she was secretly on here and maybe knew who I was....but now it's clear that she's so not on here LOL

    I didn't want to be a huge bitch and lay it out there like we do for strangers, so I was just like "Well, I don't think that's a great idea, those pictures are cheesy and if it were me I wouldn't want the robe". And she wrote back to the effect of "we have such diferent taste- I LOVE the getting ready pics and I want everyone to look fancy in them, not wearing something like sweatswirts". Again I didn't want to be a bitch and I'm not one of her bridesmaids so I just said "cool whatever you want".

                                                                     

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    jenna8984 said:

    One of my good friends is planning her wedding. Her & I always talk wedding stuff since I was just planning mine, so she emailed me asking about "I already paid for the bridesmaids shoes and I think I'm going to get them robes for the rest of the gift- you know for getting ready pics- what do you think?" I was always wondering if she was secretly on here and maybe knew who I was....but now it's clear that she's so not on here LOL

    I didn't want to be a huge bitch and lay it out there like we do for strangers, so I was just like "Well, I don't think that's a great idea, those pictures are cheesy and if it were me I wouldn't want the robe". And she wrote back to the effect of "we have such diferent taste- I LOVE the getting ready pics and I want everyone to look fancy in them, not wearing something like sweatswirts". Again I didn't want to be a bitch and I'm not one of her bridesmaids so I just said "cool whatever you want".

    In what universe are bathrobes fancy? 
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    jenna8984 said:

    One of my good friends is planning her wedding. Her & I always talk wedding stuff since I was just planning mine, so she emailed me asking about "I already paid for the bridesmaids shoes and I think I'm going to get them robes for the rest of the gift- you know for getting ready pics- what do you think?" I was always wondering if she was secretly on here and maybe knew who I was....but now it's clear that she's so not on here LOL

    I didn't want to be a huge bitch and lay it out there like we do for strangers, so I was just like "Well, I don't think that's a great idea, those pictures are cheesy and if it were me I wouldn't want the robe". And she wrote back to the effect of "we have such diferent taste- I LOVE the getting ready pics and I want everyone to look fancy in them, not wearing something like sweatswirts". Again I didn't want to be a bitch and I'm not one of her bridesmaids so I just said "cool whatever you want".

    Cringe! 
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    jenna8984 said:

    One of my good friends is planning her wedding. Her & I always talk wedding stuff since I was just planning mine, so she emailed me asking about "I already paid for the bridesmaids shoes and I think I'm going to get them robes for the rest of the gift- you know for getting ready pics- what do you think?" I was always wondering if she was secretly on here and maybe knew who I was....but now it's clear that she's so not on here LOL

    I didn't want to be a huge bitch and lay it out there like we do for strangers, so I was just like "Well, I don't think that's a great idea, those pictures are cheesy and if it were me I wouldn't want the robe". And she wrote back to the effect of "we have such diferent taste- I LOVE the getting ready pics and I want everyone to look fancy in them, not wearing something like sweatswirts". Again I didn't want to be a bitch and I'm not one of her bridesmaids so I just said "cool whatever you want".

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    --

    I'm the fuck
    out.

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    @beethery that gif makes me cringe. Her eye keeps moving around in her socket like it's not actually connected.

    Y'all, I actually asked FI (and a couple other people) how he felt about a potluck reception. So glad I found these forums.

    I learned though!!!! I tried to send my sister here but as far as I know she hasn't popped up.
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    esstee33 said:

    In what universe are bathrobes fancy? 
    You know- the SILK ones! Geez!! 

                                                                     

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    @beethery that gif makes me cringe. Her eye keeps moving around in her socket like it's not actually connected.

    Y'all, I actually asked FI (and a couple other people) how he felt about a potluck reception. So glad I found these forums.

    I learned though!!!! I tried to send my sister here but as far as I know she hasn't popped up.
    Whoever made it didn't do the best job but it still makes me chuckle. That lady was craaaaazy.
    --

    I'm the fuck
    out.

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    Wait... sorry to thread-jack, but is there something wrong with getting my bridesmaids silk bathrobes for getting ready?  Because not gonna lie, I already did... I think they're really cute (cheesy yes, but I think in a good way)!  And I mean no one has to wear one if they don't want to but knowing my girls I think they'll like them... did I miss something big here?

    Oh and to clarify those aren't their "BM present"- I got them all an individual gift that's completely unrelated to my wedding.  I just thought the robes would be like a fun extra :/
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    Wait... sorry to thread-jack, but is there something wrong with getting my bridesmaids silk bathrobes for getting ready?  Because not gonna lie, I already did... I think they're really cute (cheesy yes, but I think in a good way)!  And I mean no one has to wear one if they don't want to but knowing my girls I think they'll like them... did I miss something big here?

    Oh and to clarify those aren't their "BM present"- I got them all an individual gift that's completely unrelated to my wedding.  I just thought the robes would be like a fun extra :/
    Eh. Most of us think they are really cheesy, and pretty pointless as just a photo prop. A lot of people wouldn't be comfortable wearing one in front of people or in pictures, I know I like to have on tank top and yoga pants when getting ready. But whatever, if it's not their actual gift and you don't force them to wear it then it's not a big deal. 

                                                                     

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    Wait... sorry to thread-jack, but is there something wrong with getting my bridesmaids silk bathrobes for getting ready?  Because not gonna lie, I already did... I think they're really cute (cheesy yes, but I think in a good way)!  And I mean no one has to wear one if they don't want to but knowing my girls I think they'll like them... did I miss something big here?


    Oh and to clarify those aren't their "BM present"- I got them all an individual gift that's completely unrelated to my wedding.  I just thought the robes would be like a fun extra :/
    I had them too. I had them so girls wouldn't forget and wear a pullover shirt and then have to mess their hair up. My younger BMs wore their shorts under their robes. /shrug

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    Continuing to carry on with the thread jack - I would have much rather had my picture taken in a robe than the tank top with "bridesmaid" screen printed across the chest. I was given a medium, and my D chest made the screen printing crackle and spread out in a way that only accentuated the fact that I wasn't decently covered up. Those "cute" group pictures were taken in abundance and later put on facebook. Cringe.

    I think in general some girls just don't like having a uniform picked out for them without any input or prior knowledge. But I think the bathrobes can be cute and I would use it at home afterwards if it didn't have your wedding date or anything embroidered on it.

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    raissyraisraissyrais member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper First Anniversary
    edited November 2014
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    ETA: My first GIF guys. Gimme a clap.
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