NWR: Baby Shower Etiquette

holyguacamole79

Here's my situation: 

 My sister is pregnant. This is the first child for her and her husband. My brother's girlfriend is also pregnant (coincidentally, their due dates are 1 day apart).  This is the first child for my brother, but his girlfriend already has a daughter from a previous relationship.

I am considering offering to host a baby shower for my sister.  I have no desire to host a shower for the girlfriend (for various reasons).  I have not mentioned the shower thoughts to anyone yet (except for my husband), so it's not like either my sister or the gf know I am even considering this.

Thoughts?

Nymeru

I think it's totally ok for you to host just the shower for your sister.  To me, showers are thrown by your immediate family and personal friends, not usually by your extended family.  If my SIL didn't want to throw me a shower, I'd be fine with it because I wouldn't consider it her "job" to do (not that anyone is ever required to host anything).  Depending on the type of person your brother's GF is, she could get offended by this gesture, but you're not obliged to do anything for her. 

If you're really worried about her feelings, maybe ask your mom if she was planning on doing something for your brother and his GF?  After all, the stuff is for a baby that is her future grandchild.  It would seem more logical to me to have the grandmother throw the shower than to have you do it.

AddieCake

If I were the girlfriend, I would never think you were going to host a shower for me.

Sugargirl1019

AddieCake said:

If I were the girlfriend, I would never think you were going to host a shower for me.

Ah but that is YOU, normal headed creature. but I also think you're good hosting for only your sister. Gf's friends and family should throw her a baby shower.

theartistformerlyknownas

Anyone can get offended by anything. That doesn't mean you're wrong. You're not obligated to host anything for her.

If you want to find a middle ground, maybe you (or your H) throw a diaper party or something for your brother since it is HIS first baby?

holyguacamole79

@lolo883, I like that idea!  And I think you "get" the situation.  I've met the girlfriend several times, and she has made several interesting comments that come off as though she thinks she's already "in" with the family.  And my brother is sensitive to not being treated equally as the other "kids" (LONG story there).

@nymeru, I don't think my parents are in a position financially or logistically to do something for both mothers-to-be.  My brother, sister, & I all got married within 18 months of each other (and my brother got married 2 years ago this month).  My parents paid for the majority of all 3 weddings, so money is a bit tight.  Also, my brother lives in Houston, my sister lives in Ft Worth, and my parents live in Austin.  It's just hard logistically.  (not trying to argue with you - just clarifying why that solution isn't too feasible).

@addiecake, @sugargirl1019 - thanks for the insight.  I agree the gf shouldn't be jealous, but she's not the most level-headed person.

charlottesmom0626

this might be really rude of me...
do you have two brothers? Did he get divorced? Or is your brother having a baby with his girlfriend instead of his wife?

I think if he was having a baby with someone other than the woman he is currently married to, I wouldn't think of hosting a party..

ETA: Clarification: not that I wouldn't be happy for my brother if he was having a baby with his girlfriend, but I think it would be a different situation if he was actually married to someone else. I have friends/family that aren't married and have kids, I'm not against kids before marriage.

holyguacamole79

@charlottesmom0626, not rude at all.  When I typed my last comment, I had a feeling someone would piece this together and raise an eyebrow.

My one and only brother got married in November 2012 and their divorce was finalized 11 months later.  To the best of my knowledge, he and his current gf have been together since late July of this year.  

huskypuppy14

charlottesmom0626 said:

this might be really rude of me...
do you have two brothers? Did he get divorced? Or is your brother having a baby with his girlfriend instead of his wife?

I think if he was having a baby with someone other than the woman he is currently married to, I wouldn't think of hosting a party..

ETA: Clarification: not that I wouldn't be happy for my brother if he was having a baby with his girlfriend, but I think it would be a different situation if he was actually married to someone else. I have friends/family that aren't married and have kids, I'm not against kids before marriage.

Yes, I'm confused too. You said your brother was married, but then you keep referring to your brother's girlfriend. I'm assuming you have 2 brothers.

Also, your brother's GF already has a child, so technically her family would not throw her a full blown shower because she presumably already had this with her first child. 

Regardless, you are totally fine with only throwing a baby shower for your sister.

holyguacamole79

huskypuppy14, scroll up - I explained while you were typing.

ETA:  I don't know much about her family situation.  She doesn't seem to have a good one, though, so I don't know how much was done for her for her first child.  I have no idea.

charlottesmom0626

Ah, I'm glad I read that right.

Well, I think you should host the party for your sister like you want to do, and then perhaps offer to host your brother and GF for dinner and give them a nice gift if you can afford that? Nothing expensive, dinner at your house and then whatever gift you think is appropriate. Or perhaps wait and see if anyone on her side is hosting a shower and attend?

 I think she would understand that typically close female friends of the pregnant woman host baby showers.

holyguacamole79

@charlottesmom0626, I was actually talking to my cousin this morning, and she indicated that she had already offered to host a shower for my sister. So I asked if I can be a co-hostess. This cousin is also my Godmother, whom I absolutely adore, so this is perfect.

I definitely plan on buying a gift for my brother's baby. I just feel badly because I know the gf doesn't have the best family situation, and I'm not sure who (if anyone) would do something for her. It's just an awkward situation.

charlottesmom0626

Well that does take some of the "pressure" off of you, if brother's GF is offended: you are co-hosting an event planned by your cousin. Maybe that's bitchy of me, but there is that fall back.

 I think I've been in similar situations before. It seems like your guilt is out-weighing your actual interest in hosting a shower for her. Does she have any friends that you know? Maybe you could ask them if they know about a shower, ("I'd love to attend bro's GFs shower, do you know the date yet?") or you can offer to cohost with them ("Is anyone hosting a shower for bro's GF? I'd love to help out!")

theartistformerlyknownas

Oh snap, I thought you had two brothers.

IMO though, none of that crap matters. You don't get a shower for a second baby, whether you're with the same partner or not, whether you got a shower with the first baby or not, whether your boyfriend's sister is throwing a shower for her sister or not. You just don't. If anyone should feel guilty about anything, it's anyone who maybe "should" (gag) have thrown it for her the first time (which is nobody, because nobody's ever obligated to throw anyone else a party). 

Sincerely, the Baby Shower Scrooge. 

holyguacamole79

@charlottesmom0626, I have the Catholic guilt down to an art. And you called it. I really don't know about her friend situation, but I don't think she has much family she's close to. I'm just concerned that my brother is going to feel slighted. It's just a weird situation all around.

Thanks again for the advice. I appreciate the non-biased opinions!

holyguacamole79

@lolo883, I'm a scrooge, too. I told my cousin absolutely no shower games. Luckily, she agreed.

RebeccaFlower

lolo883 said:

Oh snap, I thought you had two brothers.

IMO though, none of that crap matters. You don't get a shower for a second baby, whether you're with the same partner or not, whether you got a shower with the first baby or not, whether your boyfriend's sister is throwing a shower for her sister or not. You just don't. If anyone should feel guilty about anything, it's anyone who maybe "should" (gag) have thrown it for her the first time (which is nobody, because nobody's ever obligated to throw anyone else a party). 

Sincerely, the Baby Shower Scrooge. 

I'm totally with you. I seriously side eye second showers. Especially in cases my cousin. She had two girls 18 months apart, like seriously? You have girl clothes and newborn items. If you threw them out, that's your own damn fault. 

emcme22

I agree with everyone else that you should be fine hosting a shower for your sister and not the gf.  Seems like things worked out well with you co-hosting with the cousin.  My boyfriend has a child from a previous relationship and to be honest do I hope if we have a baby someone will throw me a baby shower? yes.  But do I expect it to be anyone from his family? Nope.  I think its more confusing when the one with a child is the woman though since thats really who baby showers are thrown for.  And I agree she shouldn't be offended, but that doesn't mean she won't be, but you can't not do things just because someone else will decide to take offense to it, for no actual good reason.  

jenna8984

I agree with what has already been said. Just wanted to add that I agree with LOLO and I think showers for a second kid are totally tacky and out of the question (even though I know tons of people who do it). I can't remember which celebrity but I just saw a tabloid at the grocery store that was like "inside so&so's baby shower!" and it was someone who had a baby 2 years ago. I was like wow, what a bitch, this celebrity can clearly afford everything she needs and she just had one 2 years ago. 

huskypuppy14

To be fair though, if the man is the one with the child from a previous relationship, no one would think it was weird for someone to throw a baby shower for the wife/GF if it's her first baby, but his second.  

I think many people feel the shower is for the mother, not as much the father.  I wouldn't side eye a  co-ed baby shower for your brother and his GF, since it is his first child. But if someone from your brother's side doesn't throw one, it doesn't seem like they're getting one. 

holyguacamole79

Her daughter is 6 years old, and she has had health issues to lead her to think that another pregnancy would not br possible. So, I highly doubt she has baby stuff from the last time. And I agree that it's somewhat unfair for my brother, since this is his first. Y'all are smart women; read what I wrote about the past few years of his life. The circumstances surrounding this baby aren't exactly ideal, and I don't want him to feel slighted about that. If there was a way too hold a "dudes" baby shower for just him, I would.

theartistformerlyknownas

holyguacamole79 said:

Her daughter is 6 years old, and she has had health issues to lead her to think that another pregnancy would not br possible. So, I highly doubt she has baby stuff from the last time. And I agree that it's somewhat unfair for my brother, since this is his first. Y'all are smart women; read what I wrote about the past few years of his life. The circumstances surrounding this baby aren't exactly ideal, and I don't want him to feel slighted about that. If there was a way too hold a "dudes" baby shower for just him, I would.

You absolutely can have a dudes shower. Or you could make it about the baby; maybe have a welcome party after the baby is born.

Sugargirl1019

holyguacamole79 said:

Her daughter is 6 years old, and she has had health issues to lead her to think that another pregnancy would not br possible. So, I highly doubt she has baby stuff from the last time. And I agree that it's somewhat unfair for my brother, since this is his first. Y'all are smart women; read what I wrote about the past few years of his life. The circumstances surrounding this baby aren't exactly ideal, and I don't want him to feel slighted about that. If there was a way too hold a "dudes" baby shower for just him, I would.

I'd ask him to be there too. Throw a party for him and have his gf attend. But I thought you didn't want to throw them a shower so that's why I answered you didn't have to. If it was my brothers first child, I'd probably either throw a shower or convince someone to throw them one. He shouldn't feel left out especially if the gf does not have ANY infant things anymore.

AddieCake

I don't object to showers for second babies. In fact, I'm going to one next week.

theartistformerlyknownas

AddieCake said:

I don't object to showers for second babies. In fact, I'm going to one next week.

I don't object so far as to not attend, normally... I attended one yesterday and one last weekend (ouch, bank account). They were both cases where the moms were remarried and it was their husbands' first child. I just wouldn't throw one.

holyguacamole79

Sugargirl1019 said:

Her daughter is 6 years old, and she has had health issues to lead her to think that another pregnancy would not br possible. So, I highly doubt she has baby stuff from the last time. And I agree that it's somewhat unfair for my brother, since this is his first. Y'all are smart women; read what I wrote about the past few years of his life. The circumstances surrounding this baby aren't exactly ideal, and I don't want him to feel slighted about that. If there was a way too hold a "dudes" baby shower for just him, I would.

I'd ask him to be there too. Throw a party for him and have his gf attend. But I thought you didn't want to throw them a shower so that's why I answered you didn't have to. If it was my brothers first child, I'd probably either throw a shower or convince someone to throw them one. He shouldn't feel left out especially if the gf does not have ANY infant things anymore.

I don't wan to throw HER a shower.  The more I think about this, if I can do a couples' shower for THEM and not just HER, I'd rather do that. (yes, I know I sound like a bitch..  And maybe I am one.  I'm just being honest, though.  I REALLY don't like her ... remember this?  clicky.  Same girl.)  Or I could do a "Burgers and Baby" theme and make it more manly (?).

ETA:  THis is me talking about her:

I know she's going to be a part of our family soon and I need to suck it up and be nice.  I'm just being honest.

Sugargirl1019

Yes do a couples manly thing.

charlottesmom0626

Make it a co-ed thing. Do you know your brothers friends? Would any of them be interested in attending? If they like sports maybe you can make it more of a football party-style (wings, beer, dips, burgers, etc)

holyguacamole79

@scribe95‌, good point. I'm so used to the shower being for the woman.

theartistformerlyknownas

The shower is generally thrown in the mother's honor (that's why you only get ONE in honor of becoming a mother, not one for every baby) but it doesn't have to be. No matter who the guest of honor is, the baby benefits. The general idea is just that any and all future babies would benefit from the first shower, but it's not always the case.

Just don't host anything out of guilt. Whatever you do should come from true heartfelt generosity, not obligation or fear of offending her.

Lots of ideas online for guy-centric showers, if you can pardon some blatant sexism.

(just no BYOB, that's tacky)

And for gifts

holyguacamole79

Thanks, @lolo883.  I talked with my mom about it this morning, and she agrees that a couples shower is the right thing to do.  I know the gf doesn't have many family members who would be likely to host a shower for her.  And I get feeling she doesn't have many friends who'd do it, either.   

I suggested to my mom the idea of "burgers, beer, and babies".  Thanks for the invite inspration!