Inviting some but not others in a 'circle'
Hello, ladies!
Hope everyone is having a great weekend.
So, my FI and I have now knocked off 2 major things--- we signed for the venue and I got my dress yesterday! Woohoo! Now I'm trying to go through the Save the Dates and really cull through the invite list.
The small dilemma I have is that there is a group of coworkers that I had been friends with for a while but we all kind of went our own ways, tried to catch up like once a year every now and then and what not. There is one person in the group who is known to be rude/a loud mouth (I'll call her LM) but she's good friends with one of the other folks who was in the group. The problem is, about 4 years ago, around the time when she first met my FI, she was extremely rude to him. Even the first time she met him, when I went to the restroom, she told him that I never mentioned him to the group of friends, which was untrue. We compared notes later and I remember she said to me that I never mentioned my group of friends to him when he went to the restroom. We weren't sure what her deal was. A few months after that, she was very rude in that she was sitting across from him and when he didn't respond to her right away, she snapped her fingers in his face like he was a dog. Even her husband guffawed in shock. I confronted LM about this (which is/was very unlike me) and asked her if she had a problem with him/if he did something to her that made her do this. She said he didn't and that she was just trying to be funny. She apologized to me but she had opportunities to tell him that she was sorry and she never did. One of the friends in the group tried to defend it by saying that she snapped in FI's face because she wanted to be better friends with me. (Jesus, that sure didn't accomplish that). And that, for me, was just kind of a sign for me to step away. After that, though, this incident basically soured our group gatherings.
Fast forward a few years--- we all kind of went about our own way (people had kids, people moved cross country, people went to new jobs, etc). We all kind of keep in touch via FB but I didn't really do too much hanging out with them. When I announced via FB that we were engaged, of course it reignites folks to start talking again. There are really 2-3 of the friends from that same circle that I still talk to, and they are most certainly who will be invited. The one girl who I'm going to invite, though, is close with LM and has been trying to involve LM in e-mail conversations with me and her since AFTER I got engaged. And I cannot help but think it's so LM can be invited, like making up in a few short months for the past few years. LM even sent me an e-mail when I got engaged (I personally told the girl, who then told LM); and LM then tried to initiate talk about wedding stuff when we happen to see each other at a work event. I was cordial, of course because it's work, but excused myself after 10 or so minutes (would have been sooner if another person hadn't jumped in to congratulate me on being engaged).
FI is absolutely set against inviting her because of what she did (and she hasn't been that nice/welcoming to him since in these other group gatherings. There have been group gatherings he couldn't make and she'd make a big deal about him not being there as well.) I can't blame him and I agree.
But my thing is how do I invite the 2-3 that I want to invite without inviting LM and have them make it seem like I'm wrong. I just think my FI's feelings are more valuable than LM's. Might be awkward but it's not like it hasn't been awkward since then. I just know sometimes folks get this 'package deal' mentality and I don't want all of that drama.
Sorry for the long drawn out question but it was clearer in my head earlier before, but now that we want to send out Save the Dates, I want to tread lightly.
Re: Inviting some but not others in a 'circle'
To the bolded: If the people you invite choose to talk about it with LM and lead her to think she will also be invited, then that's rude on their part and there's not much you can do about it.
As far as the "package deal" mentality goes - how many coworkers were originally in the circle? If you're inviting everyone in a circle except for one, then yeah, that can be hurtful. If your circle used to be bigger, and you're only inviting a few, then it's a different story. Ultimately, LM would be in the wrong for assuming that she would be invited - it's never appropriate to assume one is entitled to an invitation.
I guess you could play it safe by not sending STDs to any of the coworkers unless they'd have to travel to the wedding. That at least gives you some time before you have to deal with the fallout of LM realizing she's not invited. When that happens, you can say "unfortunately we weren't able to invite everyone that we wanted to" - then change the subject, repeat as necessary.
Thank you all. I will just leave it b until Mar. I definitely have bigger fish to fry before then like deciding the cake, etc. Additionally, I like the idea of not sending any of the coworkers anything until the invite time. I still feel like I can't take my FI's feelings with a grain of salt, but it's good to hear from folks who aren't involved.
(and for the record, I was engaged before and my ex-FI truly opposed her to be at the wedding... and she wasn't mean to him, she was mean to his best friend. FWIW. Crazy).
Thank you, ladies!
Listen, everyone in this current situation is a grown adult, and that means life isn't fair. I commend you for confronting LM about the way she treated your FI; you had every right to stand up for your FI when he was being disrespected, and you put her on notice that the way she treats people isn't cool with you. Given that and everything else you've said, it should come as no surprise to her that she wouldn't be invited to your wedding. It really shouldn't surprise anyone else in that circle, either, completely ignoring the fact that it's not even an ounce of their business who is invited to your wedding or not.