including my daughter in the ceremony

MrsHtobe2015

we would like to include my daughter who is 6 in our ceremony, Ive heard of but never witnessed a "sand ceremony". does anyone have any ideas for her to be involved at the ceremony? she will also be our flower girl

LondonLisa

MrsHtobe2015 said:

we would like to include my daughter who is 6 in our ceremony, Ive heard of but never witnessed a "sand ceremony". does anyone have any ideas for her to be involved at the ceremony? she will also be our flower girl

I am not a fan of including a child in a wedding ceremony with any vows or rituals. You are including her by being the flower girl. A child does not have the maturity nor the ability to say no to being involved. It is a form of emotional blackmail- there is a reason a child aged 6 cannot sign a contract.

Marriage vows are between two consenting adults, not a child. Take some  photos, maybe write her a special note and give her a special gift, but certainly do not have her take part in the ceremony. She is too young to understand what she is agreeing to and "vowing" to take part in for the rest of her life.

Maggie0829

What LondonLisa said.

southernbelle0915

Yea, I find including children in the actual ceremony AWish and inappropriate. A marriage ceremony is between to consenting adults making vows to each other. If you want to include children from previous relationships in your vows TO EACH OTHER, then cool. Like "I promise to love your children as my own..." or something.

The reason 6 year old children cannot get married (in the US) is because they don't understand these actions or their significance. To have her participate in the unity ceremony between you and your FI is inappropriate. She doesn't understand it like you do anyway. It will come across to guests as AWish at best. Creepy at worst.

Are you having a ring bearer? If not, she could also give you the rings as part of the exchange or rings. Or, before the ceremony, you could both give her a gift to thank her for being your FG. That is plenty for a 6 year old.

ShesSoCold

I agree with PPs. I get that your daughter is important to both of you and will be a big part in your marriage, but it's inappropriate. She's not involved in the marriage itself. She doesn't have a say in the future of your relationship. 

Also, what Southernbelle said - it's great if he (you, both, whatever) want to include something about kids in your vows to each other, but any more than that is too much.

Jen4948

Since she's going to be a flower girl, she is "included" in your wedding. Just being present "includes" and "honors" her. As PPs say, it is not appropriate to make vows to her or have her say anything. You and your FI are getting married; she is not.

jenijoyk

I think it's nice to include children in the ceremony - you're creating a new family together, which includes your daughter. I agree that asking them to say vows is weird (I mean, they can't say know and don't understand what they're doing), but a (short) sand ceremony doesn't strike me as inappropriate.

I've only seen this once, but they had the groom's two children from a previous marriage (they were like 10 and 12? 12 and 14? I can't remember.) be groomsmen. And then at one point during the ceremony the officiant said something about how this wasn't just about Groom and Bride, but also Son1 and Son2 and together they were becoming a family and blah blah. All four of them poured some colored sand into a glass thing and then they all hugged and then it was done. Took all of like 1 minute.

Maybe the key question is whether you want to include your daughter for her sake or for your sake. Will she feel left out if she's not a part of it? Is she close with your FI? The decision of whether to include her should come from a deep inquiry into whether it would be best for her, or whether it would just confuse her.

nicole4793

Sand ceremonies are beautiful! If you're dead set on including her in the ceremony somehow, you can get an extra pouring vase for your daughter. I definitely recommend Etsy because they have tons of sets that they will customize for you. You can add additional vases for children to be included, but I've never actually seen this done. 

artbyallie

Having her as a flower girl is perfect. Be sure to get some special family pictures of her with just you and with you and your new spouse!

ohannabelle

Okay, I'm old. When did this sand ceremony stuff start, and what's the significance of the sand?

When I see it in pictures, I think of those fill-a-bottle at the county fair booths.

These:

I don't understand.

southernbelle0915

@ohannabelle - actually, that's kind of how it turns out sometimes, except with two colors. I'm less than luke warm on it.

ohannabelle

That bottle up there might belong to a polygamist. 

nicole4793

The sand ceremony is kind of like the unity candle that Catholics use (i'm not sure if others use it as well). The groom gets a color and vase and so does the bride. Then they pour the sand in together while the priest prays, and it's supposed to symbolize the bride and groom starting their own family together- bringing 2 lives into 1. It's relatively new to America. Some of them are a really cute keepsake, but others are kind of cheesy looking! It's a good alternative for people that don't like unity candles, rope tying, or whatever churches offer. 

MobKaz

nicole4793 said:

The sand ceremony is kind of like the unity candle that Catholics use (i'm not sure if others use it as well). The groom gets a color and vase and so does the bride. Then they pour the sand in together while the priest prays, and it's supposed to symbolize the bride and groom starting their own family together- bringing 2 lives into 1. It's relatively new to America. Some of them are a really cute keepsake, but others are kind of cheesy looking! It's a good alternative for people that don't like unity candles, rope tying, or whatever churches offer. 

FYI. Catholics did not create the unity candle craze. In fact, in many Catholic nuptial masses, the unity candle is not allowed.

nicole4793

Thank you for that! I didn't realize some Catholic churches don't even allow it and wasn't sure if other branches of Christianity use it. 

ohannabelle

Yes, the surface meaning is obvious. I want to know when it started, and why. And if it's "new to America," what exactly is the country of origin? 

After way too much of my day spent researching, the answer is....

Despite many many websites claiming that it "may be " or "is thought to have" origins in either Hawaiian or Native American cultures, there are exactly 0 citations or actual references to back this up. Not a single one I could find. 

The earliest actual reference to a marriage sand ceremony is..drumroll...2003. Trista and Ryan from The Bachelor. It sparked a wave of "sand ceremonies" across the country. 

(If anyone can find any reference to an earlier one, I'd be interested to hear it. But I think that this is an "ancient tradition" based on a reality TV show.)

Jen4948

Two other things to consider:

Many kids, even small ones, are not going to be smiley-faced about their parent remarrying-especially if their other parent is still in the picture.  And even if the other parent isn't, they may feel jealous or otherwise uncomfortable with the parent they have left suddenly having someone else.

And even those that are okay with the remarriage may not be okay with being part of a "unity" ritual where they're supposed to do more than just walk up and down the aisle and stand by.  They might feel shy-especially if this is their first wedding.

OP, whatever you decide to do, make sure your daughter is okay with participating at all. Respect any feelings she has about it without putting pressure on her.

CMGragain

I'm really glad my mother didn't insist that I participate in her marriage ceremonies.  It was bad enough that she made me sing at her weddings!  Don't do this to your child.

ElcaB

I would ask her if she'd like to be included in any way other than walking as the flower girl. If she'd like to, there are many scripts online of how to incorporate families or children into a sand ceremony. 

[Deleted User]

Another vote for just having her as a flower girl & in photos.

I did go to a wedding where they did a sand ceremony & they had an 18 month old daughter. She was the flower girl. During the sand ceremony the groom held her and then back to grandma she went. She didn't realize what was going on and just hid in her dad's arms. So didn't add really anything for photos.

esstee33

ohannabelle said:

Yes, the surface meaning is obvious. I want to know when it started, and why. And if it's "new to America," what exactly is the country of origin? 

After way too much of my day spent researching, the answer is....

Despite many many websites claiming that it "may be " or "is thought to have" origins in either Hawaiian or Native American cultures, there are exactly 0 citations or actual references to back this up. Not a single one I could find. 

The earliest actual reference to a marriage sand ceremony is..drumroll...2003. Trista and Ryan from The Bachelor. It sparked a wave of "sand ceremonies" across the country. 

(If anyone can find any reference to an earlier one, I'd be interested to hear it. But I think that this is an "ancient tradition" based on a reality TV show.)

This totally just sent me down a Wikipedia wormhole for a while. They're actually still married! 

100% expect that this is a UO, but I don't get sand ceremonies. Don't get unity candles either. The entire ceremony is about you (general you, not specifically the OP) becoming one family -- why is this other symbolic gesture even necessary? My XH and I did it just because the officiant included it in the ceremony with some comment about how it was SO meaningful a gesture, and we didn't really care one way or another. The whole time I just stood there like "Uh, ok. Are we done now? This is awkward." 

sophhabobopha

ohannabelle said:

That bottle up there might belong to a polygamist. 

This is the second time this week your hilarity has caused me to choke on grape juice.

I'll be sending you my hospital bill.

(;

penguin44

esstee33 said:

ohannabelle said:

Yes, the surface meaning is obvious. I want to know when it started, and why. And if it's "new to America," what exactly is the country of origin? 

After way too much of my day spent researching, the answer is....

Despite many many websites claiming that it "may be " or "is thought to have" origins in either Hawaiian or Native American cultures, there are exactly 0 citations or actual references to back this up. Not a single one I could find. 

The earliest actual reference to a marriage sand ceremony is..drumroll...2003. Trista and Ryan from The Bachelor. It sparked a wave of "sand ceremonies" across the country. 

(If anyone can find any reference to an earlier one, I'd be interested to hear it. But I think that this is an "ancient tradition" based on a reality TV show.)

This totally just sent me down a Wikipedia wormhole for a while. They're actually still married! 

100% expect that this is a UO, but I don't get sand ceremonies. Don't get unity candles either. The entire ceremony is about you (general you, not specifically the OP) becoming one family -- why is this other symbolic gesture even necessary? My XH and I did it just because the officiant included it in the ceremony with some comment about how it was SO meaningful a gesture, and we didn't really care one way or another. The whole time I just stood there like "Uh, ok. Are we done now? This is awkward." 

I don't think that's an UO. I agree that the whole ceremony is a "unity ceremony." I don't understand why candles, ropes, or sand are involved. 

esstee33

@penguin44 ROPES?? 

artbyallie

@esstee33 not nearly as exciting as you're imagining, lol.

ETA: Don't know why my picture link is broken. People braid some cords together.

lacqueredlover

My FI's two kids will be flower girl and ring bearer respectively.  We will say something at the rehearsal dinner about us becoming a family together but after speaking extensively with family and others about this, we decided the ceremony is about the two of us starting our life together as husband and wife so including them in the ceremony wouldn't be appropriate.  So excited to have them walk down the aisle and then have fun at the reception with us though!

penguin44

esstee33 said:

@penguin44 ROPES?? 

hahahaha. 

Not like that. 

They tie ropes to make a really strong knot symbolizing their relationship will never break. Blablahblah. 

plainjane0415

I'm having a beach wedding and we are NOT doing a sand ceremony.  Or any other candle/rope ceremony, we think it's weird. Everyone around us thinks it's weird that we aren't doing it, but I don't care.

wrigleyville

When you guys said "ropes", I thought you meant a Lariat ceremony or a handfasting, which are both steeped in culture and history. I've never heard of someone tying ropes just to tie ropes. :-/ Weird.

dolewhipper

As the child with parents who both remarried, I would say to include them in the WP and that's it. I held the rings for my mother's wedding and my sister and I were standing while they said part of their vows about families (we didn't say anything, they were promising to eachother things about taking care of family). Unless your Fi is also adopting your daughter, I wouldn't do a sand ceremony or vow about "uniting" her in anyway. 

We're doing the God's Knot (making our own) but that' the extent of our "unity ceremonies".

Jen4948

dolewhipper said:

As the child with parents who both remarried, I would say to include them in the WP and that's it. I held the rings for my mother's wedding and my sister and I were standing while they said part of their vows about families (we didn't say anything, they were promising to eachother things about taking care of family). Unless your Fi is also adopting your daughter, I wouldn't do a sand ceremony or vow about "uniting" her in anyway. 

We're doing the God's Knot (making our own) but that' the extent of our "unity ceremonies".

Even if he is adopting your daughter, your wedding is not about his relationship with her but his relationship with you. You and he are entering into it willingly but she doesn't have a say about it so she shouldn't be part of a "vow exchange."