Chit Chat

Rushing the Engagement - VENT

I got engaged almost a year ago (11/12/13), and FI and I had know we were looking at ~2 years for an engagement because I had 2 semesters of school left. Then he got a job overseas teaching English. But, that still worked into out schedule because 1 year there and we could have our wedding ~2 years after our engagement. Well, my FI got offered a second year at his job. I am moving out to live with him in January, and I told him to go for it. We are only young once and who knows if we'd ever get a chance like this again. So... our wedding is being pushed out another 1-2 years, depending on this job.

It does not bother me that we are having a long engagement (3-41/2ish years), however people are starting to comment on it now. They keep asking me why we aren't getting married this Christmas (because my dad died in April and I'm just not ready to plan it). Or, why not this summer? (I'll be out of the country). Many comments come when they hear that it could be another 3 years before we are married. I love my FMIL, however, she made a comment the other day about how we would have to come back and get married during one of the school breaks! She was nice enough to offer to help plan, but this is something that FI and I really wanted to both do, especially since we are planning on paying for it (another reason for him to stay an extra year or two... extra wedding fund :-) )

Geez... just a vent! My mom started talking about grandkids a few days ago (she told me she wanted them in a few years) and I just about lost it. Not her fault though, just everyone wanting a say... it is driving me a bit insane.

Re: Rushing the Engagement - VENT

  • It's really not anyone's business. The random commenters need to knock it off and find something else to worry about. If you were single would they be nagging you that much about getting married? Hopefully not. Because they would know it's none of their business. Then you get into a relationship and suddenly they need to weigh in? Nope. I find this very annoying (in general).
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  • Try to brush it off, you'll get married when you get married. Next they'll probably ask when you're having a baby. So it will never end.

    Good luck with everything being abroad, this is an exciting time and you will still grow in your relationship!

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  • Thanks! I was hoping that everyone would have just kind of left it alone until the STD's went out, eventually, but I guess not! I will try and brush off the comments :-) Bean dip? Right?
  • Thanks! I was hoping that everyone would have just kind of left it alone until the STD's went out, eventually, but I guess not! I will try and brush off the comments :-) Bean dip? Right?
    Yes! The bean dip is delicious isn't it?

    My FI and I will be engaged for more than a year and a half, so at first we had nothing planned and had plenty of time. But my crazy aunt's crazy husband called right away to ask what color shoes I wanted him to wear to the wedding. Lol. Whatever.
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  • Hugs! I feel your frustration. In the church/denomination that FI and I belong to, short engagements seem to be the norm, and almost every week someone asks me and when I tell them says, "wow that's a long engagement!" My response to that is, "Well, we knew it was the right thing for us. So anyway, how's little Johnny doing in school?"

    If your FILs or your mom are really bugging you about it, it's okay to set a boundary by telling them you don't feel comfortable discussing it right now.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker



  • blabla89 said:
    Hugs! I feel your frustration. In the church/denomination that FI and I belong to, short engagements seem to be the norm, and almost every week someone asks me and when I tell them says, "wow that's a long engagement!" My response to that is, "Well, we knew it was the right thing for us. So anyway, how's little Johnny doing in school?"

    If your FILs or your mom are really bugging you about it, it's okay to set a boundary by telling them you don't feel comfortable discussing it right now.
    I might have to, because I have a feeling that if people keep bothering me about it, then I will start feeling as if we are doing something wrong :-( Even if I know that this was the best decision for the two of us!
  • I don't understand why people get so jumpy on people.  If the engagement is too short, you're pregnant/impulsive/whatever, if it's too long you have cold feet/don't love each other enough/whatever.  People are quick to snark and judge no matter what.  It's your relationship.  Your timeline.  And you sound happy with your timelines so why aren't other people okay with that, you know?  

    I agree with ther posters.  Bean dip, set boundaries and brush it off.  

    People are always eager to attend a free party....*eye rolls*
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers

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  • Yeah, people are so touchy about how long engagements are and I don't understand.  We were engaged for just over 6 months and actually had some of DH's friends not attend because "seroiusly?  People just don't do that...." and thought it was super strange.  

    Have fun on your overseas adventure, I'm sure it will be a blast! (my sis teaches overseas too and loves it!) 
  • cafarrie said:
    Yeah, people are so touchy about how long engagements are and I don't understand.  We were engaged for just over 6 months and actually had some of DH's friends not attend because "seroiusly?  People just don't do that...." and thought it was super strange.  

    Have fun on your overseas adventure, I'm sure it will be a blast! (my sis teaches overseas too and loves it!) 
    really!? Where at? Does she like it? How long did it take for her to adjust? Lol, I'm super excited but nervous at the same time :-) I will be looking for a job teaching pre-K or kindergarten, maybe young elementary school, when i get there.
  • We were engaged for over 8 years before finally getting hitched am the first of this month. I've heard all the comments and my advice is fuck 'em all. Because if you did get married this Christmas people would comment. No matter what you do someone is going to have a problem with it. So fuck 'em.

    My go to phrase was "We'll get married when it's right for US. Not when it's right for YOU" with a big smile on.
  • MagicInk said:

    We were engaged for over 8 years before finally getting hitched am the first of this month. I've heard all the comments and my advice is fuck 'em all. Because if you did get married this Christmas people would comment. No matter what you do someone is going to have a problem with it. So fuck 'em.

    My go to phrase was "We'll get married when it's right for US. Not when it's right for YOU" with a big smile on.

    It was finally right for you because LEGAL! :)

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  • It seems that when it comes to certain life changing life events there will always be certain who people just can't keep from commenting, especially when it comes to engagements, weddings, and having children. My fiance and I had been together for four years and got engaged  August 2013. We quickly set a date for the following April 2014, so it ended up being a little over eight months. We soon got a lecture from one of my brides maids mothers about how long engagements are the best, she was engaged for many, many years, and we had to take the engagement time to get to know one another (thought that's what dating was for), it was a huge mistake to have a short engagement, etc, etc...

    Sooo... I feel for you. I think it comes from a good place. People think they are giving good advice, or helping to push something in a direction they feel is best, but in truth they have no idea, and the person next to them might be saying the opposite if you were to do things differently.
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  • cafarrie said:
    Yeah, people are so touchy about how long engagements are and I don't understand.  We were engaged for just over 6 months and actually had some of DH's friends not attend because "seroiusly?  People just don't do that...." and thought it was super strange.  

    Have fun on your overseas adventure, I'm sure it will be a blast! (my sis teaches overseas too and loves it!) 
    really!? Where at? Does she like it? How long did it take for her to adjust? Lol, I'm super excited but nervous at the same time :-) I will be looking for a job teaching pre-K or kindergarten, maybe young elementary school, when i get there.
    She's in the Czech Republic!  Studied abroad there in college and moved back as soon as she graduated, took a TEFL (sp?) course and got a teaching job pretty quickly.  She LOVES living abroad and I think for her it felt kind of vacation-y until she missed the first holiday at home, then it was a little rough adjusting to the fact that she made a decision to LIVE there.  She has awesome friends though and comes home a couple times a year.  She's been there for about 18 months now and has no plans to come back anytime soon!
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    People are so nosey! 
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  • I got a lot of comments about my 2 year engagement.  I still do.  I explain that I wanted to finish law school and take the bar before really getting into planning.  I got my venue, photographer, and a few little favors before that, but thats it.  People will always think that their way is better and will never really care WHY you're planning your wedding in your way - they just want to be nosey and a little controlling.  I'm sorry you're having problems though!!

  • cafarrie said:
    cafarrie said:
    Yeah, people are so touchy about how long engagements are and I don't understand.  We were engaged for just over 6 months and actually had some of DH's friends not attend because "seroiusly?  People just don't do that...." and thought it was super strange.  

    Have fun on your overseas adventure, I'm sure it will be a blast! (my sis teaches overseas too and loves it!) 
    really!? Where at? Does she like it? How long did it take for her to adjust? Lol, I'm super excited but nervous at the same time :-) I will be looking for a job teaching pre-K or kindergarten, maybe young elementary school, when i get there.
    She's in the Czech Republic!  Studied abroad there in college and moved back as soon as she graduated, took a TEFL (sp?) course and got a teaching job pretty quickly.  She LOVES living abroad and I think for her it felt kind of vacation-y until she missed the first holiday at home, then it was a little rough adjusting to the fact that she made a decision to LIVE there.  She has awesome friends though and comes home a couple times a year.  She's been there for about 18 months now and has no plans to come back anytime soon!
    That is fantastic :-) With Thanksgiving approaching I am a bit worried about FI because he has never spent a holiday away from... well... everyone. I plan on spending a lot of time on Skype with him that day if he wants :-)
  • Lol, I knew I wasn't the only one with these types of issues! It was good just to vent about it a bit. Of course there are times that I think about how much I really want to just be married, but then I also think about how happy I am that we are waiting. :-) It is a good balance and until I do get married I can watch all of the wedding shows I could possibly want!
  • I completely understand your frustration. BF and I aren't engaged yet and it doesn't appear to be happening for a while. That hasn't stopped my mother from pushing us to hurry up because she wants more grandkids. I was getting frustrated myself but he has good reasons to not propose until we are both in the right time to do so. Tell everyone to fuck off. I've started to ignore it all from those around us who constantly bring it up.
    Formerly known as bubbles053009





  • Best advice I've ever gotten came from this site. (From KatieinBkln maybe?) Memorize this line: "Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry! How silly of me to have given you the impression this is any of your business. How embarrassing." You just do your thing and get married when you're good and ready. Marriage is nothing to rush into!
    Definitely @KatieInBkln, she is so wise.
    --

    I'm the fuck
    out.

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  • beethery said:
    Best advice I've ever gotten came from this site. (From KatieinBkln maybe?) Memorize this line: "Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry! How silly of me to have given you the impression this is any of your business. How embarrassing." You just do your thing and get married when you're good and ready. Marriage is nothing to rush into!
    Definitely @KatieInBkln, she is so wise.
    Thanks, boos. I don't remember where I even heard this (it is not, unfortunately, a KTinBK original, sorry to shock you) but I LOVE it because it's so very polite while shutting things down. 

    It's a little blunter than Jane Austen would have been, but still in the same vein, I think. Tweaked for our modern times. :)
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    This baby knows exactly how I feel
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