Moms and Maids

Advice dealing with FMIL and my wedding dress

Hi all!

So, my FMIL and I have a rocky relationship. She's very overbearing and wants to be involved in every little thing about my life, not just wedding. My fiance is her only child so I do try to include her, but when I do she oversteps her welcome. Basically with her if I give her an inch she takes a mile. Total cliche mother in law situation.

So, my question is about the dress. I took her wedding dress shopping with me because i knew she would appreciate it and it went somewhat ok. The main thing that stung was when I tried on a more form fitted wedding dress that everyone loved I expressed that while it looked ok, I didn't feel fully comfortable in it. I like dresses that poof out at my waist. I have an hourglass figure and I feel most confident in that but she is always trying to get me to wear different types of dresses and says I wear the same style all the time. So, when I tried the tighter dress on and stated that while I felt bridal, I wasnt feeling comfortable she said "If you don't feel comfortable just loose a few pounds and you will be ok". Like, really? Is it ok to ever tell someone to lose weight but you're really going to tell me this while I am in a wedding dress??

After that trip I went shopping with my MOH and found the dress. I bought it and didn't bother telling her since she tends to insult my dress selections. But, I am guessing she is mad at me for not taking her when I found the dress and not sending her photos later. However, the last wedding we went to as a family I bought a pretty blue dress and when I showed her she said "Really? You're wearing that?". My own mother knows how much this woman stresses me out and has told me that it might be a good idea not to show her my dress until the big day. I really don't want to show my FMIL my dress and have her say something like "really? that dress?", but I feel like she will nag so much that in the end I will show her. Any ideas about how to smooth this situation over? I just am not in the mood to deal with anyone saying anything negative about my selection, and she constantly does this. Plus she's already tried to take over decoations and catering and I've about had it with her. 

Re: Advice dealing with FMIL and my wedding dress

  • If she asks about it, tell her that after thinking about it, you'd rather the dress be a surprise for everyone.

    And honestly, if she's being so meddling, stop talking about wedding details with her and your FI needs to tell her to back off.  She can't comment on what she doesn't know about and if she asks why she isn't involved, let your FI handle it.
    image


    OliveOilsMom[Deleted User]AddieCakearrrghmatey
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Why exactly are you including her in things that in no way involve your FI?  This person is your FI Mother, not yours.  Your FI should be making an effort in getting her involved if he wishes, not yours. And if she is always this overbearing then just stop including her.  I'm sorry but you kind of did this to yourself in regards to the dress shopping.  You did not have to include her at all especially knowing how she is.

    Don't tell her about your dress and only include her in things if your FI wants to include her.  I get you are trying to make nice with her, but in the end you are just going to end up irritated and stressed.
    Hi all!

    So, my FMIL and I have a rocky relationship. She's very overbearing and wants to be involved in every little thing about my life, not just wedding. My fiance is her only child so I do try to include her, but when I do she oversteps her welcome. Basically with her if I give her an inch she takes a mile. Total cliche mother in law situation.

    So, my question is about the dress. I took her wedding dress shopping with me because i knew she would appreciate it and it went somewhat ok. The main thing that stung was when I tried on a more form fitted wedding dress that everyone loved I expressed that while it looked ok, I didn't feel fully comfortable in it. I like dresses that poof out at my waist. I have an hourglass figure and I feel most confident in that but she is always trying to get me to wear different types of dresses and says I wear the same style all the time. So, when I tried the tighter dress on and stated that while I felt bridal, I wasnt feeling comfortable she said "If you don't feel comfortable just loose a few pounds and you will be ok". Like, really? Is it ok to ever tell someone to lose weight but you're really going to tell me this while I am in a wedding dress??

    After that trip I went shopping with my MOH and found the dress. I bought it and didn't bother telling her since she tends to insult my dress selections. But, I am guessing she is mad at me for not taking her when I found the dress and not sending her photos later. However, the last wedding we went to as a family I bought a pretty blue dress and when I showed her she said "Really? You're wearing that?". My own mother knows how much this woman stresses me out and has told me that it might be a good idea not to show her my dress until the big day. I really don't want to show my FMIL my dress and have her say something like "really? that dress?", but I feel like she will nag so much that in the end I will show her. Any ideas about how to smooth this situation over? I just am not in the mood to deal with anyone saying anything negative about my selection, and she constantly does this. Plus she's already tried to take over decoations and catering and I've about had it with her. 


    AddieCake
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Don't bother trying to "smooth it over."  This woman sounds like she will say anything to get a negative reaction from you.

    You can ignore it, laugh at it ("Really, FMIL, I'm trying to look fat and ugly!  I'm so glad to hear you think I'm succeeding.  Losing weight would be counterproductive, don't you think?") or call her on it, together with your FI: "FMIL, the subject of my weight is a closed one.  I only discuss it with my doctor because it's no one else's business."  "Mom, you've been very negative and hostile towards waterlily37. All these snide remarks from you are neither helpful nor appreciated. They need to stop permanently, especially if you want to be included in our wedding plans or our life together after the wedding. Otherwise, we'll have no choice but to exclude you."
  • What does your dress look like?
    It's a surprise!  Have you tried this bean dip?

    What kind of flowers are you using in your centerpieces?
    We will have a meeting with our florist closer to the wedding date.  What spice do you think is in this bean dip?

    What kind of vegetarian option is your caterer offering?
    It's called "chef's choice" and depends on what veggies are in season and available.  I can't decide if the flavoring in this bean dip is paprika.  Do you think this is paprika?
  • I also have a very rocky relationship with my FMIL.  I did not tell my fiancé this because I did not want to put him in a uncomfortable situation.  I did not want to make him decide between his future wife and his mother.  It was a mistake pretending everything was fine.

    I chose not to take my FMIL wedding dress shopping because I just didn't want to.  I never invited her nor did I feel like I had to (she has shown little to no interest in the wedding).  

    I did not want to show her my dress.  I told my fiancé this (at this point he was unaware of how rude she could be to me behind his back).  He told me how much it would mean to her and how she has no daughters etc.  So I showed her a picture to make him happy.  Her response was that I look fat.  I did not feel like I looked fat and I felt completely confident and in love with it.. until then.  I started having nightmares about my dress and how fat I looked.  It look me about a month of these nightmares to tell my fiancé.  He was pissed.  Because so much time had passed I told him not to bring it up.  However he has made it clear that no rude remarks will be tolerated.

    Don't show her.  Stick to your guns.  Your fiancé should be aware of this too.  Made me feel so much better!
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its

    Has your FMIL even asked to see your dress? If she's offended that you purchased the dress without her, she may not ask. I'd let it go. If she does ask, say you want her to  surprise her on the wedding day. Then ask her to pass the bean dip.

    It's time to talk to your fi about his mother's behavior toward you. It's nice that you want to support his relationship with his mom, but you shouldn't allow anyone to treat you rudely.


                       
    AddieCake
  • I love, love, love my new daughter in law, so it is much easier.  But, when she told me that she wanted her dress to be a surprise, I was OK with it. You are a bride once and have a right to your secrets, choices, and preferences.  You can always say that you don't have it yet, still being altered or are keeping it at the bridal salon for safe storage.  Also, because somebody else says you look fat, does not make it so.  It just means that person has insecurity issues.  You have to be comfortable and happy with you.  
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards