Upset Sister about two MOHs

Knottie28484278

I decided to have my twin sister as my Matron of Honor and my other best friend as my Maid of Honor. I'm extremely close with both of them and they'll have two different titles, and after doing some searching on these boards, I felt that it was an acceptable thing to do. I love them both so much, why should they both get special titles? Well, my sister is extremely hurt. She hasn't talked to me in almost a month. I told her she would still be the one closest to me and the one who gives the speech, but she thinks it's ridiculous I'm having two. 

She is also getting married 4 months before me and I am her one and only MOH. I didn't mean to hurt her by having a 2nd, but it's my day and I want them both to be MOHs. I think it's weird she's so hurt, it's not like she's just a bridesmaid. I saw some older posts that people have been in similar situations. What can I do for damage control? My parents are stuck in the middle, and her not talking to me is putting a negative damper on both of our happy wedding planning!

nyhollyday

This may sound stupid, but... I was watching television of the twins Tia and Tamera Mowry and Tamera was getting married while her sister was preparing for her first child. She wasn't able to help as much and Tamera ended up also giving her bestfriend the Maid of Honor and her twin Matron. She was pretty mad at that at first, but she explained that she needed help with her wedding and knew that her sister had a lot of going on and their ended up being harmony after sometime. Maybe you can explain to your sis something similar to that.

hmgiffor

That's a tough one. I would remind her that it's just a title and she will ALWAYS be your twin sister. That a title should never get in the way of you both being happy. I have a Matron (sister) and a Maid of Honor (bf). In the end though, it is what YOU want. I hope she will change her mind and not let this ruin your days. 

vegasgroom

Welcome to wedding drama; people will get hurt for incredibly silly things.  A friend of mine, who has seven sisters, got married about two years ago, chose one married sister as matron of honor, and a best friend as maid of honor.  It was a non-issue for everyone; she's mostly inseparable from those two girls, but not at the same time, and neither took issue with it.

Personally, I don't have a lot of patience for people getting upset over stupid things, so I'd be more inclined to give her an ultimatum lol.  It's not fair of her to put you in the situation where you have to choose to not give your best friend the additional emphasis on YOUR wedding day just so your sister can get the title she wants.  I'd probably go talk to her in person if she's not returning calls/txts and tell her that in a more diplomatic manner.  Alternatively, make them all bridesmaids.

aggiespartan

No wedding party FTW

vegasbride2015

vegasgroom said:

Welcome to wedding drama; people will get hurt for incredibly silly things.  A friend of mine, who has seven sisters, got married about two years ago, chose one married sister as matron of honor, and a best friend as maid of honor.  It was a non-issue for everyone; she's mostly inseparable from those two girls, but not at the same time, and neither took issue with it.

Personally, I don't have a lot of patience for people getting upset over stupid things, so I'd be more inclined to give her an ultimatum lol.  It's not fair of her to put you in the situation where you have to choose to not give your best friend the additional emphasis on YOUR wedding day just so your sister can get the title she wants.  I'd probably go talk to her in person if she's not returning calls/txts and tell her that in a more diplomatic manner.  Alternatively, make them all bridesmaids.

This.

Knottie28484278

Thanks everyone! All of your responses were really helpful and made me feel better about the whole situation. She and I were going back and forth today through emails and they took a turn for the confrontational. She told me she wanted me to have nothing to do with any of the planning for her bridal shower, dress shopping or bach party. I asked if she felt that way why did she even want me as her MOH still?

I read all of your posts and compiled a really nice email (despite her extremely nasty one to me) explaining she's still my #1, and that all I wanted was to give my friend a special title too since we're really close. If that doesn't work I'm out of options! I'll just give her some space I guess. Thanksgiving might be awkward...

wrigleyville

Your MOH(s) is/are supposed to be your absolute nearest and dearest friends. Unlike the Tia/Tamara thing, the MOH is not doled out because that person helps the most. The MOH title is just that, a position of honor. 

So, you did the right thing. If you want to honor both ladies equally, then you make them both MOHs. Your sister really needs to grow up and get over it. Certainly, she can understand that this other lady is your very best friend. Telling you she doesn't want you planning anything is really petty and immature.

I'd stop talking through email, honestly. It's so easy to misunderstand emotions and tone of voice through text. I'd call her, as VG suggested, and suggest you two have a sister day (lunch, shopping, spa, whatever) and talk this over.

If she refuses to meet/talk with you, just let it blow over. You did absolutely nothing wrong. 

Hopefully, some day, she'll realize she's being catty for no reason and that it's not worth damaging your relationship.

Knottie28484278

So I tried calling and texting my sister to avoid anything being taken the wrong way like it so easily can through email. She won't call me back. It's been 6 weeks since this started and I'm out of ideas. My parents want me to demote my friend to a bridesmaid to restore peace. I feel like I shouldn't have to do that just to appease my sister. It's not her wedding! My mom said that if I don't demote my friend it's literally going to destroy our family (little dramatic there ma). I feel like my sister should just grow up, it's really not this serious! I'm getting to the point of planning where I'm going dress shopping, and it really sucks she doesn't want to be a part of that. 

Any one have any more ideas? I'm kind of at a loss that things have been taken this far. 

aggiespartan

I guess I just don't get it.  I don't see what your sister's problem is.  If you demote your friend, I would tell her that it's nothing against her, and all about your bratty sister.  Even if you did do that, your sister would still probably be a jerk to your friend and be a grumpy pants at everything.  

hmgiffor

Reverse idea....what if you demoted them both to bridemaid? I think once you start doing your planning, she is going to start feeling bad that she is missing out (at least I would HOPE so). You shouldn't have to compromise, it is YOUR wedding.

ericandmarie

Maybe I'm just really mean, but I would demote my sister (or both if you really want to). I get she's family, but like a PP said, you need someone who is your nearest and dearest friend/family. They are your go-to and frankly your sister just isn't living up to that role. Maybe I'm just lucky that I have family where if my sister was pulling this kind of crap my parents wouldn't expect me to cater to her.

vegasgroom

Yeah if she's at the point where it's been six weeks of throwing a tantrum, I'd be inclined to demote her as well and enjoy the time with your friend who is there for you.  Your parents shouldn't enable the tantrum behavior.  If she'd choose to have no interest or involvement in your wedding over something so petty, I wouldn't have the patience for it.

jayjaay

Because of situations like this I did not have a bridal party! It was just me, hubby and dad gave me away. My heart goes out to you that it all smooths over and everyone get's to enjoy this time.

wrigleyville

If your mother is playing the "it will destroy the family" card, I now see where your sister gets her entitled, bratty behavior. There is no way my mother and father would have let me behave that way, especially once I was an adult. Your mother is feeding this behavior and condoning it, which is not okay.

I honestly wouldn't demote anyone. That's going to create way more drama and hurt feelings than it's worth, and it's really not fair to your best friend. Plus, it will only reward your sister's horrible behavior. It would be like giving a cookie to a toddler after they throw a tantrum. 

You wanted these two as your MOH, so keep them both as MOH. If your sister doesn't join you for dress shopping, that's her loss. If she continues to play the victim card, just ignore it. You've done all you can. It's on her to act like an adult now.

Knottie28484278

So I tried talking things out with my sister and she said that if I don't demote my friend then she's not going to be in my wedding at all and that she's going to replace me in her wedding. I think it's so ridiculous and obviously I don't want to have to change any one's titles, but she said she will serve as the one and only MOH or not at all. What do I do? My knee jerk reaction is to say f you if your going to kick me out of your wedding and be such a stubborn brat, but then again I don't want to do forever damage to our relationship. And I do really want her to be a part of my wedding. I feel like I'm in a lose lose situation because if my sister gets her way I hurt my BFFs feelings and if I stick to my guns my sister is going to quit my wedding and kick me out of hers. 

tcnoble

I think SHE is the one causing permanent damage to the relationship. I have two MOHs, and not once has either of them stomped her foot and had a tantrum about it. Because that's not what adults do. I'm sorry you are in this situation - it's truly a shitty one. I'm not sure there's a right or wrong answer, but personally I wouldn't give in to my sister's demands and child-like behavior.

hmgiffor

I have two MOH as well (and one is my sister). I think your sister is in the wrong and it sucks you are in this situation. As @tcnoble said I wouldn't give in to my sister being a brat. In the end, it is HER decision and she is the one choosing to not be a part of your wedding (and kick you out) so she is the one doing the damage. Maybe as things get closer, she will come to her senses and realize that her behavior is not acceptable! 

vegasbaby2015

I think that your sister is being completely unreasonable, and I'm so sorry that you are in this situation. It's hard to believe anyone would act that way. With that said, if it were me, I probably would demote my friend. I'm sure her actions have already impacted your relationship, but not having each other in your weddings is something that can't be undone. Whenever you look at pictures and you don't see your sister there, you'll remember this whole ordeal. Also, even though it may hurt your friend a bit to be demoted, being a bridesmaid is still an honor, and she will most likely take it a lot better than your sister. Have you talked to your friend about the situation? Do you know how attached she is to the idea of being maid of honor?

I've sacrificed for my relationship with my sister, when she was the one being unreasonable and I was in the right. I don't regret it, because having a relationship with her is important to me.

Good luck.  

jayjaay

I'm sorry you're going through all of this at what should be a time for joy. I'm sure it will all work out. Keep your head up and try to enjoy your engagement. We're here for you, keep us posted.

vegasgroom

I'd demote both and tell your friend it's because your sister is incredibly selfish but it was the only way to keep her in the wedding.  My guess is your sister will still have an issue and say if she's not MOH she still won't be in the wedding, at which point she'd get the door slammed in her face if it was me.

wrigleyville

Knottie28484278 said:

So I tried talking things out with my sister and she said that if I don't demote my friend then she's not going to be in my wedding at all and that she's going to replace me in her wedding. I think it's so ridiculous and obviously I don't want to have to change any one's titles, but she said she will serve as the one and only MOH or not at all. What do I do? My knee jerk reaction is to say f you if your going to kick me out of your wedding and be such a stubborn brat, but then again I don't want to do forever damage to our relationship. And I do really want her to be a part of my wedding. I feel like I'm in a lose lose situation because if my sister gets her way I hurt my BFFs feelings and if I stick to my guns my sister is going to quit my wedding and kick me out of hers. 

No. Read my other response again. Call her bluff. She is manipulating you and making it all about her and her selfish demands as usual. Don't give into her tantrum. Do NOT reward this behavior. She needs to learn how to suck it up and be an adult.

Personally, I wouldn't give a rat's ass about being kicked out of her wedding because I wouldn't want anything to do with her for quite some time after this nonsense.

annathy03

I also had two MOHs, my sister who stood closest to me, and my close friend who got H and I together. The title is to honor them and honoring your friend doesn't make your sister any less honored- her acting like this is at best childish and bratty, and at worst manipulative and downright nasty.  Don't reward her for those behaviors, especially in a way that punishes your best friend!

One caveat is that the childish/bratty behavior may be related to her planning her wedding as well- it's no excuse but weddings seem to bring out the worst in some people.  Hopefully after her wedding the bridezilla fog will lift and she'll have a few months to realize what an ass she is being about yours in time to stand with you (assuming you still want her to by then).

AustralianSam

wow. I've just read this. what a selfish brat. What does your friend say about the whole situation? If I was your friend and knew about this, I'de just tell you to let her have the "title" she so greatly craves and know in my heart that you only demoted me to BM because your sister is, quiet frankly, a bitch. Unfortunately, she has forced you to make the choice to either give in to her tantrum throwing, immature, selfish ways... or ruin your relationship completely. I cant believe she is being sucha  cow. If I was your mother, I would be telling her to pull her head and grown up. But as someone else said, its no wonder she is so selfish with those comments from your mum.

I hope you find a way to ruin her wedding as much as she has yours.

[Deleted User]

Hi - Wow oh wow

I wouldn't give into the delusional brat (sorry for being harsh) even if you do - whats the point if she is not around to help?

Her wedding if AFTER yours & it's in her best interest to respectful & un-bratish & if she thinks this is acceptable behavior - does that mean she would be ok if you do this to her!?? (we no  its a no)

Your friend sounds more than understanding & sometimes it amazes me how some friends can behave better than your own family!

Do whatever makes you happiest/least stressed - this is YOUR day not her's remember that

vegasgroom

Chant23 said:

I wouldn't give into the delusional brat (sorry for being harsh) even if you do - whats the point if she is not around to help?

Being in a wedding party is a way to let the bride or groom honor their closest friends and relatives, it's not a way to get free help.