How do you "share" holidays?

theartistformerlyknownas

I will say I consider it super lucky that while I don't see my family on Thanksgiving, I do get to eat dinner at my wedding venue. Major win.

Aaaaand... they're serving crab-crusted cod and bacon-wrapped meatloaf along with the turkey. So there's that.

chibiyui

Thanksgiving and Easter are with H's family. We alternate Christmas. This year it's my family's turn.

lovegood90

I actually don't know what to do this year. We are both from the same hometown (funny coincidence!), so it's usually not a problem for me to go to his family's place the day after Christmas or something.

Usually I go to my mom's for Christmas, then visit BF's family and my dad on other days while I'm in my hometown. But now my mom has basically estranged herself from everyone in our extended family except my grandma. So now I have to see: Mom + grandma, BF's family, my dad, and my extended family (that I'm still very close to) that my mom doesn't talk to, all within a span of like, 3-4 days. My mom gets super pissy and guilt-trippy when she realized she's not the sole family member I want to see over the holidays.

It gets even more complicated because this year she wants to go to a tropical destination far away over Christmas. So now I'm being guilted in joining her. But I also want to see all my other family, so my only choice is to spend Christmas eve night and Christmas day with her in her tropical place, then fly back home to visit everyone else, then travel back to where I live.

I really don't want to spend the money and hassle of flying around everywhere for the holidays, so I hate the position she's put me in. Not sure how this will all go down!

 

MrsMack10612

H really dislikes the holidays.  He is an only child and sees them as a chore. 

For Christmas we always go to his parents for the early part of the day (usually 12-3/4-ish) and then we go to my sister's for the later part of the day.

Thanksgiving we used to rotate between my mom and his folks, but I lost my mom in January (yeah, really looking forward to the first holiday season without her.  NOT) so this year we'll be going to his folks.  I don't know what we'll do going forward, whether it will always be his folks or if we might rotate with my sister.

I'm trying to convince him that at least once I'd like to host Thanksgiving at our house, but he's not keen on the idea.

 

 

LadyMillil

I don't have this problem. We live across the country from both our families. Within Canada flights are ridiculously expensive (round trip for both of us $1400) so we don't fly home for Thanksgiving. Flights during Christmas are even more expensive. DH works in retail so he only gets Christmas Day off. I have an ongoing experiment and I can't be away from the lab for more than 3 days at a time. It's way too expensive for me to fly back for 3 days and I don't want to leave DH completely alone on Christmas so we spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day just the two of us. 

We are hoping to have a baby by next Christmas. We still won't fly out to see our families because of cost/DH's job/suckiness of flying with a baby but I expect they might fly out here in December to celebrate Christmas early. The following year we will probably be living overseas and I doubt we will fly back to Canada around Christmas unless we can get close to 2 weeks off.

Cookie Pusher

We had spent every major holiday except for 1 Thanksgiving with DH's family. We're hosting Thanksgiving for my family this year. I think next year, though, we may start just taking vacations because holidays are the only time the two of us get time off at the same time. It's gotten kind of lame taking all my vacations without my husband!

themuffinman16

My birthday and other holidays cause a lot of arguments between H and I.

  I have a twin sister.  I always spend my birthday with her, no matter what.  H has a niece who is 3. She was born on my birthday. I also have a step-mom whose birthday is the day after mine. 

   H asked me what I am doing for our birthday.  I told him, I wanted to go out out with Sis, her FI, my H and me. Then, a few days later, H told me that his niece's birthday party was the same day as our dinner. I said, well, we have to leave early to go out to dinner with sis and her FI.  My H was pouting, and I just find it really silly.  When we have a child, if it falls on his sister's husband's birthday, I would not expect them to come to the party, or be mad if they had their own plan. I would only be a little disappointed if it were the baby's first birthday, but he still should do what he wants for his birthday.

  I am going to the party, but I want to leave a little early.  My birthday is a big deal to me, because I have a twin.  If I didn't have a twin, at this age, I really wouldn't care about it.  I just feel like he expects me to give up my family occasions just because we are married. Then, my step-mom's birthday is the following day.  I just don't se the harm in missing our nieces birthday the following year and taking her to ChuckieCheese the following week.  That way, we are still doing something she wants to do, and having fun together.  If this were a mile marker birthday, like a party for a 1 year old, 5 yr. old, 10 yr. old, or 16 yr. old, I would say his niece comes first.  But to me, it isn't about me, it is about my twin sister.  I share a special occasion with her, and it just seems weird to not spend it with her. 

   This year, I have managed a compromise. But it all depends on what we do, if I have time to see niece on the same day. It really irritates me that FI is pouting, because we can't stay long at niece's party.  I am doing the best I can, without not hanging out on my sister for my birthday. I don't know what anyone else's experiences are with this, but it really bothers me.  I feel, on my birthday, I should spend it with my twin sister. If I have time to hang out with his niece, okay, but for my birthday, I think I should do what I feel like doing. Am I being childish?

theartistformerlyknownas

themuffinman16 said:

My birthday and other holidays cause a lot of arguments between H and I.

  I have a twin sister.  I always spend my birthday with her, no matter what.  H has a niece who is 3. She was born on my birthday. I also have a step-mom whose birthday is the day after mine. 

   H asked me what I am doing for our birthday.  I told him, I wanted to go out out with Sis, her FI, my H and me. Then, a few days later, H told me that his niece's birthday party was the same day as our dinner. I said, well, we have to leave early to go out to dinner with sis and her FI.  My H was pouting, and I just find it really silly.  When we have a child, if it falls on his sister's husband's birthday, I would not expect them to come to the party, or be mad if they had their own plan. I would only be a little disappointed if it were the baby's first birthday, but he still should do what he wants for his birthday.

  I am going to the party, but I want to leave a little early.  My birthday is a big deal to me, because I have a twin.  If I didn't have a twin, at this age, I really wouldn't care about it.  I just feel like he expects me to give up my family occasions just because we are married. Then, my step-mom's birthday is the following day.  I just don't se the harm in missing our nieces birthday the following year and taking her to ChuckieCheese the following week.  That way, we are still doing something she wants to do, and having fun together.  If this were a mile marker birthday, like a party for a 1 year old, 5 yr. old, 10 yr. old, or 16 yr. old, I would say his niece comes first.  But to me, it isn't about me, it is about my twin sister.  I share a special occasion with her, and it just seems weird to not spend it with her. 

   This year, I have managed a compromise. But it all depends on what we do, if I have time to see niece on the same day. It really irritates me that FI is pouting, because we can't stay long at niece's party.  I am doing the best I can, without not hanging out on my sister for my birthday. I don't know what anyone else's experiences are with this, but it really bothers me.  I feel, on my birthday, I should spend it with my twin sister. If I have time to hang out with his niece, okay, but for my birthday, I think I should do what I feel like doing. Am I being childish?

I think he's being childish about it. It's not JUST your sister's birthday, it's YOUR birthday, and a longstanding tradition. You're still celebrating with the niece, just not for as long. You shouldn't have to give up your birthday just because your husband's sibling had a child.

ETA and I think you should be able to own that you want to celebrate your own birthday. Honestly, I would choose a child's birthday over my sister's birthday. But it's YOUR BIRTHDAY. You're allowed to celebrate it no matter how old you are.

H shares a birthday with his little brother. There will be years where we can't see him ON the day because we're celebrating H's birthday. Like this year, when we'll be in Chicago. Sorry kid, love you but we'll catch up with you tomorrow.

lyndausvi

Living in a town 2002 miles from one set and 1980 miles from the other while having jobs that require you to work on the holidays.

It's helps that his mom refuses to travel at all.  She have no desire to ever come to us.  

My parents do travel.  They are coming for thanksgiving this year.   None of my siblings live near each other (closest 2 are 1.5 hours away).   Nor do we live near my parents (closest one is 2 hours away).  

My sister does the Thanksgiving with one set, xmas for the other, then switches the next year for the last 20 years.  She does see my parents around xmas on the off years.   If we want to see my sister we have to go on her schedule.  

Besides that who my parents see changes from year to year.     2 years ago it was at my sisters and we were there since we in the middle of a move.  Last year my parents went on a cruise and saw none of us.    This year my parents are going to Hawaii with my sister.  They are stopping by AZ on the way home to see one brother.   Meeting up with the other the weekend before they leave.   

mschristie123

I feel like DH's is the only family in the world that isn't really into the holidays. Which is sad. He is a small, disconnected little family and they don't do much to celebrate T-giving or Xmas. Both our families are in different states from where we currently live, so we don't bother making the trip to his family for the holidays.

We've started doing Thanksgiving on our terms. Last year, we had his mom stay with us over thanksgiving, and this year my parents are. Christmas eve is the biggest day of the year for my family/extended family, so I'm glad that there is never any competition about us celebrating with my family on Xmas eve.

Simky906

I've got it easy, my husband is Jewish and I'm Christian, so our families celebrate completely different holidays! Thanksgiving is the only one with overlap but I work retail so we celebrate that locally with friends. (His parents live on the opposite coast and mine are a seven hour drive away.) His great uncle and two of his cousins do live near us though, so we might do Thanksgiving with them next year. We already go to his great uncle's every year for Passover and Yom Kippur.

Hanukkah depends on DH's parents. They sometimes fly to NYC for that holiday and we can take the train up to meet them. If they don't come east, we'll pop up to his aunt's place in NJ.

Christmas we go to my family; Christmas Eve with my dad Christmas Day with my mom. Although this year we'll be on our honeymoon during Christmas!

ETA: We actually leave for our honeymoon on the third day of Hanukkah so we'll be skipping that as well this year.

[Deleted User]

My family isn't big on the calendar.  We have a tendency to reschedule holidays.  For the past 3 or 4 years, we've had "Christmas" at my sister's house in LA (we and my parents live in Chicago) on the Sunday of MLK weekend in January.  It started when my sister wanted to host Christmas, but I was out of vacation days, so we moved Christmas to the next calendar year.

This year we'll probably do Thanksgiving on Thursday at my parents house, then (if we buy a Dining Room Table by then) we will host FH's family for Thanksgiving on Saturday.  My parents will be attending if we host because my mom is crazy, FH and I have been together for 6 years, and my mom Really REALLY wants to meet his family.  We've been keeping them apart because both our families are crazy, but in completely opposite ways and the joint group could be really interesting.

FH's mom doesn't like hosting Christmas on the actual holiday because she likes taking us out to eat.  So we usually reschedule his family's Christmas for the Saturday before or the Saturday after Christmas.  (My family lives an hour away.  His family lives 3 hours away.)

I guess my story is that none of us care about the calendar so we celebrate whenever we want.

pinkcow13

scribe95 said:

If you live in the same city I think it will be easy to hit both Thanksgivings. Maybe one in the afternoon; one in the evening. Maybe dinner with one; dessert with the other. Sounds very doable and nothing to stress over.

In theory it sounds easy, but it can be a pain. Our families all live in NYC. We have done different things: alternate the holidays, spend the holidays with our own respective families and not each other, or split them. We started splitting once we became older and got our own apartments. For thanksgiving and Christmas we split families now. The issue is that both families start the celebrations around the same time, so we always inevitably end up not seeing people, etc. Both families also celebrate Christmas Eve (most Latinos don't have the celebration Christmas Day and God forbid you try to change that), so that's also a pain. Not to mention both families are masters at guilt tripping around the holidays LOL. My family lives in Washington Heights and FI's lives in BK so that's a bit of a ride. The worst part is that my parents have a house upstate, NY and they like to host Christmas Eve. Last year we spent it with them, and visited FMIL Christmas Day. NYE is our holiday and we rarely spend it with family. In fact, this year will probably be our last year in Manhattan, so a little while ago we thought about possibly hosting a small party. After so many years of this though, I've learned to not let it get to me anymore. We have an annual "Friendsgiving" with my long time friends and that is way less demanding lol. ETA- paragraphs won't paragraph

VulgarGirl

My dad and step mom go big for thanksgiving have for as long as I can remember. I swear they invite everyone. Including wifey's family. We hosted a small one at our place last year because step mom wasn't feeling well but we don't plan on doing that again.

As for Christmas...well they have our address. FILs do a Christmas eve thing. Then they do Christmas morning with SIL (cause she's 7). My parents and brothers usually come over to our house in the afternoon at some point. And my mom and step mom do a dinner. We spend the morning together, usually we'll go see a movie or get breakfast or both.

ohannabelle

lolo883 said:

For the time being, we will be spending Thanksgivings at the country club with his grandparents. My grandparents have all passed, and we'd like to spend as many holidays with his while they're here and well. They spend winters in Florida, so Thanksgiving is all we've got. We're hosting Brunchgiving the Sunday after at our house for my family. Once... you know... we'll start rotating.

For Christmas, we make the rounds, but only on different days. His step-dad's side does Christmas Eve, and his mom's side does the day after at one of the aunts' houses. The Saturday after will be at my mom's house - miraculously, my divorced parents have begun getting along so he and his wife will actually be there! Hallelujah! Makes things so much easier! Christmas Day though is just for us. We wanted to set that tradition now so once we have kids, we won't have to truck them all over the place to see everyone. Christmas Day is about pajamas and playing with new toys. We also make a fancy dinner - last year was lamb chops. 

We take the dogs for a walk at midnight Christmas Eve too. To look for Santa. It's amazing how quiet the world is at midnight on Christmas Eve. You can hear the snow fall.

This is an excellent call, and exactly what I did a hundred years ago, or so. Keep Christmas Day for your own. Your home, your choices, your traditions. Yes to pajamas instead of dressing everyone and driving around in crappy weather, yes to eating prime rib (or whatever) instead of turkey.  

There was some initial sulking from both families, but they got over it. The day before and day after are fine for visiting.

I still go to my mama's for Christmas Eve, to see everyone and eat a metric truckload of cracked crab, but, damn. Staying at home on Christmas Day is wonderful.

manillabar

this is only my second "holiday season" with FI, and last year we spent it with our respective families (except for New Year's Eve and day since his family doesn't usually do much.) But this year I'm spending thanksgiving day with his family and then going home over the weekend because we usually have a big church thanksgiving dinner on sundays that's a bigger deal than thanksgiving at my house. Then Christmas Day will be with my family this year and we're as of yet undecided about CHristmas Eve. I do like the idea of setting the precedent of having Christmas Day to ourselves... we may have to implement that next year

lurkergirl

Christmas is easy.  My family goes to my grandma's house for a casual dinner and presents Christmas Eve and a huge dinner (Thanksgiving 2.0) on Christmas Day.  FI's family only gets together Christmas day, so we drive up to my grandma's xmas eve, then come home, have xmas morning at our house with breakfast casserole, then head to the lake for the afternoon and evening with his family.  FSMIL does a big beef tenderloin or prime rib and we exchange presents.  We plan to keep this tradition going with kids. 

Thanksgiving we usually do with my family because the food is better and Thanksgiving with his family requires OOT travel to the beach, but since we want kids soon, we've decided it's more fair to the families to just rotate every year.  That way everyone can always plan ahead and there's no fighting. 

My grandma also hosts a traditional New Years Day dinner, which I always attend, and FI sometimes attends.  Depends how much fun he has on NYE!



Easter, Memorial Day, and 4th of July are all spent with FI's family.

AddieCake

We don't live near our families, and my husband is usually gone for holidays, so it's usually just me here. Last year for Christmas we visited his parents, and the year before that I went alone to visit my dad b/c he had to work. We are going to NYC in early December, so Christmas I'll be alone again. Thanksgiving is cursed for me, so I prefer to just ignore that one.

buttercup1958

Wow some of the situations sound crazy! V and I will be experiencing our second holiday season together. Last year I went to visit my family and he visit his. So far it seems like we are going to keep that for the moment. It might change in the future. I do know that I want to keep new years eve for V and I. That will be our holiday. 

Nymeru

Our families live about 4 hours apart, so if we're willing to drive we can generally swing holidays at both places.  Christmas isn't too bad because my family celebrates it Christmas Eve, and his family does it Christmas Day, so we just have to wake up, leave my family's house, and drive to get to his family's house on time for 2 p.m. dinner.  My family also never gets to celebrate Thanksgiving on the actual day because my mom always has to work it (this will be the first I haven't had to work since I was 14), so no conflict there.

zitiqueen

wandajune6 said:

My relationship with DH is the first time I've been in a relationship where both of us live in the same city as our families. This opens up all new issues with handling holidays. I'm incredibly lucky in that I've never had to miss a holiday with my family and I hate to start now.

Christmas is easy- his family celebrates on Christmas Eve and my family does Christmas Day. Easy. Thanksgiving is harder. My family plans everything in advance and has the location and time set at least 3 months before. On his side, we still don't know who is hosting Thanksgiving or what time it will be at. His mom (who will not be hosting) wants us to come to their family's Thanksgiving - or at least stop by- but we have no details.

To make things harder, DHs brothers are married to 2 sisters. DH has no family in the US outside of his mom, siblings, and their families. One couple (and their kids) share a 2-flat with the sisters' parents. There are a remaining 3 siblings in the area and countless cousins so DH's family events are usually tightly tied to the sisters' family. This year, someone on the sisters' side will host but no one knows who it will be or what time. This makes scheduling a mess for me.

On top of that, MIL wants us to host Christmas Eve this year. We have a bigger home so it's easier but there's a catch: she'll have 10 people in from Mexico over Christmas and doesn't want to include the sisters' family. Needless to say, this is not going well.

I'm trying to stay out of the drama but know that I won't be successful in the long-term.

How do you handle the holidays with your SO and families?

The hosts get to decide who to invite, not the guests.

We don't have kids and don't place a lot of importance on celebrating on the actual day. DH's family is local and mine is 250 miles away. If he's not working (he's an RN so working holidays is common), he celebrates with his family and I travel to spend it with mine. Then we pick a day to celebrate, just the two of us. It works for us but some people get absolutely pearl-clutchy about it there mere idea of a married couple not spending the actual holiday-day together.

wandajune6

lolo883 said:

themuffinman16 said:

My birthday and other holidays cause a lot of arguments between H and I.

  I have a twin sister.  I always spend my birthday with her, no matter what.  H has a niece who is 3. She was born on my birthday. I also have a step-mom whose birthday is the day after mine. 

   H asked me what I am doing for our birthday.  I told him, I wanted to go out out with Sis, her FI, my H and me. Then, a few days later, H told me that his niece's birthday party was the same day as our dinner. I said, well, we have to leave early to go out to dinner with sis and her FI.  My H was pouting, and I just find it really silly.  When we have a child, if it falls on his sister's husband's birthday, I would not expect them to come to the party, or be mad if they had their own plan. I would only be a little disappointed if it were the baby's first birthday, but he still should do what he wants for his birthday.

  I am going to the party, but I want to leave a little early.  My birthday is a big deal to me, because I have a twin.  If I didn't have a twin, at this age, I really wouldn't care about it.  I just feel like he expects me to give up my family occasions just because we are married. Then, my step-mom's birthday is the following day.  I just don't se the harm in missing our nieces birthday the following year and taking her to ChuckieCheese the following week.  That way, we are still doing something she wants to do, and having fun together.  If this were a mile marker birthday, like a party for a 1 year old, 5 yr. old, 10 yr. old, or 16 yr. old, I would say his niece comes first.  But to me, it isn't about me, it is about my twin sister.  I share a special occasion with her, and it just seems weird to not spend it with her. 

   This year, I have managed a compromise. But it all depends on what we do, if I have time to see niece on the same day. It really irritates me that FI is pouting, because we can't stay long at niece's party.  I am doing the best I can, without not hanging out on my sister for my birthday. I don't know what anyone else's experiences are with this, but it really bothers me.  I feel, on my birthday, I should spend it with my twin sister. If I have time to hang out with his niece, okay, but for my birthday, I think I should do what I feel like doing. Am I being childish?

I think he's being childish about it. It's not JUST your sister's birthday, it's YOUR birthday, and a longstanding tradition. You're still celebrating with the niece, just not for as long. You shouldn't have to give up your birthday just because your husband's sibling had a child.

ETA and I think you should be able to own that you want to celebrate your own birthday. Honestly, I would choose a child's birthday over my sister's birthday. But it's YOUR BIRTHDAY. You're allowed to celebrate it no matter how old you are.

H shares a birthday with his little brother. There will be years where we can't see him ON the day because we're celebrating H's birthday. Like this year, when we'll be in Chicago. Sorry kid, love you but we'll catch up with you tomorrow.

As a twin, birthdays are hard. I love seeing my sister but it gets difficult. My stepson has a birthday the next day so it seems that everything is focused on his - and ours becomes an afterthought. It's frustrating because I'm expected to make a huge fuss over every frickin' birthday of everyone on his side of the family (including people who marry in like me). On my side, my BIL has a birthday 2 days later.

Basically, my birthday is never anything about me. It sucks.

As for holidays, having everyone close by can still be hard- everyone always wants meals to be at the same time!

huskypuppy14

My husband and his family are Jewish, so Christmas is at my family. But, like I said in another thread, my husband has to work most holidays, so I go to my parents for Thanksgiving too. 

We also live in the next town over from my inlaws, so we see them more than my parents (90 minutes away). 

My husband's family also doesn't really do much for Hanukkah. They may light the candles if they think of it. Passover is more of a big deal.

briscoe1031

Thanksgiving this year will be combined families. My in-laws will be hosting and my parents have been invited. We did one year where we drove from my aunt's to my grandma's to my in-laws over the course of our school's thanksgiving break...never again.
Christmas- we travel around the area, in-laws to my mom's to my dad's and back again. Dinner is normally at my mom's and then the next day is a big dinner at my in-laws.
Once we have kids, it probably won't change.

KytchynWitche

Thanksgiving isn't a holiday here, so we don't have to worry about that.

When we lived in the city, we used to do Easter with my family and Christmas with his. We did it that way so we didn't have to travel on/around Easter, because road accidents peak around then. There's a pilgrimage to the ZCC's head quarters every year for Easter, and people just go completely nutso.

Since we left the city, we do Easter AND Christmas with his family (again to avoid travel at peak times), and just celebrate with my family at the end of November, when DH has to be in the city for his check-up with the nephrologist anyway.

It worked out well for us because the holidays are a big deal to MIL, not so much to my family. Religious holidays don't really mean anything to me or to DH, so we're just going with what MIL wants on that.

larrygaga

Thanksgiving with each family every other year and fi celebrates Christmas on a different weekend. We got lucky ours worked out pretty easy.

kns1988

Our families live in the same area 3.5 hours away. My grandma has always done her family Christmas over New Year's, and his family was on Christmas day. We did that for a couple years, but last year we decided it was too much travelling and we stayed home on Christmas day. We ended up going out for sushi and watching movies and it was the best Christmas ever! We're doing it again this year, so I guess we have a sushi/movie tradition now. 

His family gets us for Thanksgiving, and they're nice enough to invite my mom to join us. It's a win-win.

caitlinmca

My family is 1.5 hrs away and celebrates every holiday regardless if it's Thanksgiving, Christmas or a Labor Day cook out. FI family only gets together on Christmas Eve and Christmas day so that makes things easier too.

I work on a hospital unit that is closed on weekends and major holidays and FI works retail currently hopefully not much longer and the only day they are closed is Christmas so going up to my family holidays is more based on his schedule though when he gets a job in his degree area we will go to my side for the majority and then split the day for Christmas.