Homewrecking

themosthappy91

So asking for a friend/because it's an interesting (horrible) scenario.  
My best friend in the world just had a close friend (I don't know her) reveal to her that she is having an affair with a married-with-children man twenty years her senior.  My BFF is horrified- the girl in question is asking her for advice/her opinion and my friend wants to give it because she feels wrong not expressing her disapproval of this situation (BFF also is friends with the guy in question and knows his wife).  
Anyone else ever dealt with a homewrecking friend?  What the heck do you even say in this situation...

amelisha

You say nothing and do nothing unless you are directly involved. I suggest "Well, if it was a good idea you wouldn't need advice. I love you but I can't get on board with this so I think we better not talk about it."

bethsmiles

If my friend asked my opinion on that sort of situation, I wouldn't hesitate to express my disapproval. I'd probably say something along the lines of "I can't give you advice on this other than I think it's wrong to get involved with a married man." Basically, your friend should stay as far out of this as possible. Honestly, I'd probably distance myself from this friend.

loro929

I think both PPs offered quite sound advice. There is not really much to say in the situation except that it is not okay (one of those put yourself in her shoes type of things) and you prefer not to be involved in any way with the situation, and that includes discussing it.

raissyrais

Oh boy this is so sticky I would stay out of it.

abbyj700

I'd honestly try to stay out of it. I'd offer her the idea of asking herself why she's doing it, for her to think how it's going to affect everyone (her, him, his wife, his kids, her family, friends, job etc) in the long run if everyone finds out. 

I've had friends involved in this situation and honestly I have not been quick to judge. In the long run though in each situation it becomes apparent that the person cheating does not love his wife, does not love the other woman - and only loves himself. It becomes a messy, horrible situation for everyone where as a friend I always continue to say "if he loved you, he wouldn't be doing this" and I always end up being right. 

Best thing to do is make sure the friend is really thinking about the situation, and then step away. When that wall comes tumbling down - you don't want to be any where near that.

climbingsingle

Yikes. I'd tell her to end it and that I didn't want to hear about it again. 

southernbelle0915

Why is the friend of your BFF asking for advice? Is it simply 'should I continue the affair?' Or is it 'he's thinking about divorcing his wife, do I stay?' Or 'I want him all to myself so I want to confront the wife, should I?' Or 'we want to run away together to Hawaii, your thoughts?'

I would just tell your BFF to ask the girl how she would feel if she was married with two kids and her husband was fucking someone (probably more than someONE). Obviously there are shitty men who will do this but there don't have to be women who agree to feed into it. There are a million guys to fuck - tell her you'll help her find one who isn't married with children.

novella1186

Yeah... I'm in the camp of those who think she should stay out of it. Like way far out of it. But that being said, if a close friend of mine were doing something this awful, I'd have a hard time keeping my mouth shut. If she asked me for advice I think I'd just say that she needs to put herself in the wife's shoes and that she's potentially ruining a family. And then I wouldn't talk about it anymore. Yikes. 

esstee33

Yeah, about the most I'd give advice to anyone on this is "BFF, what your friend is doing is super shitty, but it's also not your drama. If she doesn't realize it's wrong to be fucking a married man, you're not going to be of any help to her." 

Maggie0829

You do realize that the friend in question is not the only one at fault here right?  The person really doing the homewrecking is the married man and Father.  He is the one who is fully choosing to have an affair on his wife and potentially emotionally scaring his children for a long time to come.  So lets stop blaming this woman for the whole thing, okay?

The advice I would give to your friend is "Wow, that is a pretty bad situation, but both of these people are adults and are fully aware of what they are doing.  So I suggest to stay far, far away from it and keep your opinions and comments to yourself."

NYCMercedes

Maggie0829 said:

You do realize that the friend in question is not the only one at fault here right?  The person really doing the homewrecking is the married man and Father.  He is the one who is fully choosing to have an affair on his wife and potentially emotionally scaring his children for a long time to come.  So lets stop blaming this woman for the whole thing, okay?

The advice I would give to your friend is "Wow, that is a pretty bad situation, but both of these people are adults and are fully aware of what they are doing.  So I suggest to stay far, far away from it and keep your opinions and comments to yourself."

Exactly! He is the home Wrecker! My advice/question would be why she'd stay with a loser like that. I'd tell her to dump that shit (if she asked).

pinkcow13

I had a close friend have an affair with a married man, who also had 2 young children. There really isn't much that your friend can say. At the end of the day, she will make her own decisions no matter what your friend says. I told my friend to put herself in the wife's shoes, to think of the kids, to think about what a huge scumbag this man was, and how he clearly had other women, and nothing changed. She had to realize it on her own. Maybe saying something will resonate a bit, but unless she wants to make acknowledge how shitty a man he is, and how crappy a situation this is, and unless she realizes that there are plenty of other good men out there, she is going to continue down this path.

My friend ended up ending things with the scumbag, but not before some really terrible things happened. I hope that isn't the case with this girl and that she makes the right decision.

Jells2dot0

Funny story. I was once on business travel with another lady. We went out to lunch and she started asking me about my DH (we all worked together at time and this was before we were engaged.) all of a sudden, she blurts out "well, you did cause him to leave his wife and kids!" I was stunned, but I took immense satisfaction in telling her that he was divorced before I even married my first husband and before I even lived in AZ. Open mouth, insert foot.

Point is, stay out of it. You aren't directly involved and don't know any of the facts.

Kauris

We had a guy (friend/business associate of DH) bring not his wife or girlfriend, but his mistress to our wedding and I keep my mouth firmly shut when we are around the girlfriend or wife. So, I'm in the camp of keep my nose to my own business, unless it directly affects me. Especially when it is so twisted up and confusing. 

However, her friend asked for advice and that is the difference in this instance. Your friend's friend knows that what she is doing is wrong. How many SS come on here looking for justification for their bad ideas? LOTS. She is looking for justification and your friend needs to let her know she won't give it. You personally should stay out of it, since you aren't directly affected.

goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826

Whatever you do, do not go to The Nest for advice.  Somehow you'll end up in counselling.

All jokes aside, I'd back away.  If this friend of a friend wants validation, she won't be getting it from your BFF or anyone else.

Sounds like she is totally aware that what she is doing is wrong.  

banana468

I'm of the opinion that you need to stay out of it. If you're involved, I think there's a moral obligation to tell the wife. It's shitty but she needs to know that she's in a position of getting STDs.

mikenberger

He's the homewrecker. This woman has no duty to his wife (other than being a decent human being and not having sex with someone's husband) to keep her vagina from his penis. He took vows to his wife, assuming they are not in an open marriage, to stay faithful to her. Two to tango.

Do not get involved.

princessofgenovia

If one of my friends told me "So I'm screwing this married guy" I'd point blank tell them that's shitty and ask why the fuck they were screwing around with a married man. But I can be a real bitch. 

But if my friend told me her friend told her that she's screwing a married guy, I'd just stay the fuck out of it because that's just inviting drama in that I do not need.

Also I hate the term "homewrecker", Mr. Married Father of Two is perfectly capable of not screwing someone who is not his wife. She didn't come in like a wreaking ball and destroy his marriage all on her own. He made a decision to fuck someone who is not his wife and when his wife finds out, he has to deal with the consequences of that decision. Had he chosen not to fuck someone who is not his wife, he'd have no consequences to deal with.

arrippa

kasmith1 said:

We had a guy (friend/business associate of DH) bring not his wife or girlfriend, but his mistress to our wedding and I keep my mouth firmly shut when we are around the girlfriend or wife. So, I'm in the camp of keep my nose to my own business, unless it directly affects me. Especially when it is so twisted up and confusing. 

However, her friend asked for advice and that is the difference in this instance. Your friend's friend knows that what she is doing is wrong. How many SS come on here looking for justification for their bad ideas? LOTS. She is looking for justification and your friend needs to let her know she won't give it. You personally should stay out of it, since you aren't directly affected.

Just to clarify, the guy has a wife, girlfriend and mistress? Wow, that's a lot of people to juggle.

banana468

Why is it one or the other? They're both at fault if the other woman knew he was married and the wife believes the relationship is monogamous. The husband is breaking his vows but the other woman had blame on this too.

slothiegal

Jells2dot0 said:

Funny story. I was once on business travel with another lady. We went out to lunch and she started asking me about my DH (we all worked together at time and this was before we were engaged.) all of a sudden, she blurts out "well, you did cause him to leave his wife and kids!" I was stunned, but I took immense satisfaction in telling her that he was divorced before I even married my first husband and before I even lived in AZ. Open mouth, insert foot. Point is, stay out of it. You aren't directly involved and don't know any of the facts.

Who the fuck says that?!

Maggie0829

banana468 said:

Why is it one or the other? They're both at fault if the other woman knew he was married and the wife believes the relationship is monogamous. The husband is breaking his vows but the other woman had blame on this too.

I agree with this.  I do put more blame on the married person though.  The single person can seduce as much as he/she wants but they are single and has no stake in a marriage.  Yes, they are shitty as hell for going after a married person, but if the married person gives in then they are the ones breaking vows and messing up their family, not the single person.

princessleia22

amelisha said:

You say nothing and do nothing unless you are directly involved. I suggest "Well, if it was a good idea you wouldn't need advice. I love you but I can't get on board with this so I think we better not talk about it."

I like this response.  If you have to ask someone if it's right or wrong, that generally means you already know it's wrong and are just hoping someone will tell you it's okay, which usually doesn't happen. 

I think your BFF needs to tell her that she doesn't approve, doesn't want to be involved and doesn't want to hear about it. 

ohannabelle

mikenberger said:

He's the homewrecker. This woman has no duty to his wife (other than being a decent human being and not having sex with someone's husband) to keep her vagina from his penis. He took vows to his wife, assuming they are not in an open marriage, to stay faithful to her. Two to tango. Do not get involved.

Nope. They're both home wreckers. 

 If someone's robbing a bank, and you're sitting out in the getaway car, you're still participating in a bank robbery. This bitch doesn't get a pass. She is knowingly and willingly participating in actions that could cause somebody else tremendous pain. The fact that she didn't sign a contract doesn't mean it's okay to help someone else violate theirs.

The friend in question was asked for their opinion/advice. 

If a friend asks me for advice, they get it. If I feel they're being a shitty human being, I say, you're doing something destructive and hurtful and that pretty much makes you a shitty human being. Knock it the fuck off and grow some self respect. 

In real life, as on the boards, I don't validate shitty ideas or shitty behavior. That's not being helpful, or a friend. 

banana468

ohannabelle said:

mikenberger said:

He's the homewrecker. This woman has no duty to his wife (other than being a decent human being and not having sex with someone's husband) to keep her vagina from his penis. He took vows to his wife, assuming they are not in an open marriage, to stay faithful to her. Two to tango.

Do not get involved.

Nope. They're both home wreckers. 

 If someone's robbing a bank, and you're sitting out in the getaway car, you're still participating in a bank robbery. This bitch doesn't get a pass. She is knowingly and willingly participating in actions that could cause somebody else tremendous pain. The fact that she didn't sign a contract doesn't mean it's okay to help someone else violate theirs.

The friend in question was asked for their opinion/advice. 

If a friend asks me for advice, they get it. If I feel they're being a shitty human being, I say, you're doing something destructive and hurtful and that pretty much makes you a shitty human being. Knock it the fuck off and grow some self respect. 

In real life, as on the boards, I don't validate shitty ideas or shitty behavior. That's not being helpful, or a friend. 

Beyond that I can't understand how many people would do squat when the wide could come away with some serious diseases. In this case, inaction is morally reprehensible IMO.

CMGragain

Family member was participating in an illicit affair with a married man.  The wife had terminal cancer.  The "friend" who informed the wife did her no favors.  I have a feeling that the wife already knew, and didn't want to face facts.
End of story - wife finally died, cheating husband married my family member, three years later he was cheating again with someone else.  What goes around, comes around.
Don't be the person to confront the wife with her husband's cheating.  She probably already knows.

banana468

CMGragain said:

Family member was participating in an illicit affair with a married man.  The wife had terminal cancer.  The "friend" who informed the wife did her no favors.  I have a feeling that the wife already knew, and didn't want to face facts.
End of story - wife finally died, cheating husband married my family member, three years later he was cheating again with someone else.  What goes around, comes around.
Don't be the person to confront the wife with her husband's cheating.  She probably already knows.

As someone who dealt with infidelity by a SO (an ex BF), I like that my friend gave him an ultimatum and he had to tell me or she would. I suspected it but not to the horrible degree.

themosthappy91

All this is really good advice ladies. To clarify a few things:

1. Both me and my BFF are totally on the same page that if anything both the girl and the guy are equally to blame, if not more so for the guy who is actually breaking his marriage vows. They are absolutely both homewreckers- it's true he is the one who made a commitment but I believe there is an only slightly lesser obligation on the part of the other person involved to not be a horrible person and pursue a married man (or woman).

2. I am absolutely not getting involved in any way other than to talk my BFF through it- I don't even know these people and wouldn't dream of getting involved further than this. BFF was just super upset and needed to sound her opinions off of me.

3. My friend is definitely in the camp that she was directly asked for her opinion and so she couldn't live with not saying SOMETHING. In terms of the advice her friend was looking for, we're having a hard time determining that exactly... she doesn't expect the man to leave his wife, as far as we can tell it just seems like she wants someone to tell her it's okay to continue the affair (which is kind of moot because according to her the man has told her he wants to forget it happened and is not really even responding to her anymore).

If you were my BFF, do you think you would have trouble remaining friends with this girl? That's what she is having the hardest time with right now... she just feels like she has lost a friend because she won't ever be able to see her the same.

southernbelle0915

themosthappy91 said:

All this is really good advice ladies. To clarify a few things: 

1. Both me and my BFF are totally on the same page that if anything both the girl and the guy are equally to blame, if not more so for the guy who is actually breaking his marriage vows. They are absolutely both homewreckers- it's true he is the one who made a commitment but I believe there is an only slightly lesser obligation on the part of the other person involved to not be a horrible person and pursue a married man (or woman). 

 

2. I am absolutely not getting involved in any way other than to talk my BFF through it- I don't even know these people and wouldn't dream of getting involved further than this. BFF was just super upset and needed to sound her opinions off of me. 

3. My friend is definitely in the camp that she was directly asked for her opinion and so she couldn't live with not saying SOMETHING. In terms of the advice her friend was looking for, we're having a hard time determining that exactly... she doesn't expect the man to leave his wife, as far as we can tell it just seems like she wants someone to tell her it's okay to continue the affair (which is kind of moot because according to her the man has told her he wants to forget it happened and is not really even responding to her anymore). 

If you were my BFF, do you think you would have trouble remaining friends with this girl? That's what she is having the hardest time with right now... she just feels like she has lost a friend because she won't ever be able to see her the same.

To the bolded: Yes, I would have a hard time being friends with her. I respect people who follow a high moral code. I don't respect people who don't. And I can't really be friends with people I don't respect, so....

ETA: I should add that I wouldn't "hate" her or "shun" her or whatever... I would just focus my time and energy on other friendships for which I had more respect... 

novella1186

themosthappy91 said:

All this is really good advice ladies. To clarify a few things: 1. Both me and my BFF are totally on the same page that if anything both the girl and the guy are equally to blame, if not more so for the guy who is actually breaking his marriage vows. They are absolutely both homewreckers- it's true he is the one who made a commitment but I believe there is an only slightly lesser obligation on the part of the other person involved to not be a horrible person and pursue a married man (or woman). 2. I am absolutely not getting involved in any way other than to talk my BFF through it- I don't even know these people and wouldn't dream of getting involved further than this. BFF was just super upset and needed to sound her opinions off of me. 3. My friend is definitely in the camp that she was directly asked for her opinion and so she couldn't live with not saying SOMETHING. In terms of the advice her friend was looking for, we're having a hard time determining that exactly... she doesn't expect the man to leave his wife, as far as we can tell it just seems like she wants someone to tell her it's okay to continue the affair (which is kind of moot because according to her the man has told her he wants to forget it happened and is not really even responding to her anymore). If you were my BFF, do you think you would have trouble remaining friends with this girl? That's what she is having the hardest time with right now... she just feels like she has lost a friend because she won't ever be able to see her the same.

I don't blame your friend for having a hard time remaining friends. As much as I try not to judge (because you never know the whole situation, etc), I think I wouldn't be able to help but judge her in a negative way. 

I guess she needs to consider the overall friendship. This whole thing aside, would she stay friends with this girl anyway? I mean usually when something big like this happens, you realize that the person wasn't so great all along, and this is the wake-up call that the friendship may not be worth keeping.