Got a laugh out of this one- thought some of you might find this funny.
FROM CK'S FACEBOOK PAGE
Does
Aunt Tammy ask you the same annoying questions every year around this
time? You know, the ones about your weight and reproductive status. Take
it from me, her bad manners are certainly not worth getting your own
panties in a pinch. Let the nosy broad know she’s poking her nose in the
wrong business by answering her with one of these smartass retorts.
She says: “Did you gain weight?”
You say:
“Yes, but I lost my will to live. If I’m not back from the bathroom in,
like, 20 minutes, I’m probably not coming back. Tell Dad I loved him
the most.”
She says: “Someone’s putting on the pounds!”
You
say: “Have you seen this family? I was literally dealt the worse
genetic hand possible. What the hell? Now I just carry around my own
butter.”
She says: “So, you’re still not married.”
You say: “I just cannot find anyone else who will kiss me as passionately as Aunt Margaret used to. God rest her soul.”
She says: “Are you still in that same job?”
You say: “Yes, despite the sexual favors I have granted to nearly half the office. Do you think I’m doing something wrong?”
She says: “When are you having children?”
You say: “We just watched Rosemary’s Baby. Kinda turned me off to the whole idea. But I’m thinking about getting a pixie cut.”
She says: “No, seriously, when are you having kids?”
You say: “I’ll be honest with you. We are having way too much fun having sex to bring a child into this relationship.”
She says: “What do you plan on doing for the rest of your life?”
You say: “Avoiding death.”