Children?

redoryx

WhatawagSBNy said:

OP situation of #1 close family and #2 sibling in the wedding, the younger must be invited but should not hear it from the bride and groom or other family until the child's parents decide whether to bring him or leave him with a sitter. Depending on the time of the wedding especially, many parents do not want a younger than teen child at an event that may be too many hours long and extend past midnight, though a day wedding and early evening reception would be great. In general, sometimes you do split families, and most traditional etiquette books will say it is fine if there is a rational basis fairly applied. Inviting only kids around high school age and up and no younger kids to an event lasting from 4 pm to midnight, plus any driving time, may be reasonable, with only very close family as possible exceptions. Finances are a real issue too. A couple of people either way, just invite them. Let their parents sort it out. In large families, like mine and hubby's finances are a real issue. At the time we married, just from the families who accepted, we had 150 guests and wedding party over 16. We did NOT invite 157 children ages 1 to 12. We did have an infants room in the Inn where sitters took care of 12 under a year old babies and parents visited. We did NOT have 157 kids for the same reason none of our relatives or friends ever have younger children to night time weddings. When it makes a difference of over a hundred or even 200 guests total you are talking big money. Posters saying there is a blanket rule never split families - which Miss Manners and Emily Post types don't say - must come from small families. Young children learn and accept that age makes a difference and sometimes older teens and adults go night time places without them.

Technically you are correct, although Miss Manners does say if you wish to exclude younger children, only invite the parents per the invitation and only explain the policy if they inquire, adding it's important to appreciate the difference between committing a social error yourself and responding to someone else's error. Read into that last part what you will.

twitterbird

I would invite the sibling. Its not your job to entertain him or watch him. His parents are there. I had crayons and colouring books for kids but that was it.

banana468

I think it's best not to split families when you're talking about small families.   We know families where there are 6, 9 and even 12 children.   When you get to an amount like that, IF that amount is the norm, I could understand making an age cutoff.

However, when you do something like that, it really only works in a big family situation.   I'd be upset if you said no children under 16 but that meant my 19 yo daughter can attend and the 15 yo brother isn't welcome.   That's much different than saying the oldest 5 can be there but the youngest 5 will stay home.

WhatawagSBNy

Banana 468 -Yes. I would invite only adults or everybody in a situation where small families with a couple kids close in age is the norm. I just think people need to realize that people have a lot of situations where it is unfair to NEVER do this ( split families) because it is always wrong.

Most etiquette rules except those against being greedy or mean are intended to help things go smoothly and comfortably and solve problems fairly.

But sometimes whole specific groups get left out and people can be quite rude about it. Large families are in disfavor now and lots of people do not see reason.

Money is a real constraint. If groom has 12 aunts or uncles, all but 1 married (so 23) and each couple had 5 to 13 and these kids all first cousins all have 4 to 6 kids... Nightmares in arithmetic.

The thing is, people in large families all have this common problem, and all accept the reality of it.
But other people who know about the family size can still be less than sensitive.

All it takes is a little understanding and flexibility in etiquette RULES.

redoryx

WhatawagSBNy said:

Banana 468 -Yes. I would invite only adults or everybody in a situation where small families with a couple kids close in age is the norm. I just think people need to realize that people have a lot of situations where it is unfair to NEVER do this ( split families) because it is always wrong. Most etiquette rules except those against being greedy or mean are intended to help things go smoothly and comfortably and solve problems fairly. But sometimes whole specific groups get left out and people can be quite rude about it. Large families are in disfavor now and lots of people do not see reason. Money is a real constraint. If groom has 12 aunts or uncles, all but 1 married (so 23) and each couple had 5 to 13 and these kids all first cousins all have 4 to 6 kids... Nightmares in arithmetic. The thing is, people in large families all have this common problem, and all accept the reality of it. But other people who know about the family size can still be less than sensitive. All it takes is a little understanding and flexibility in etiquette RULES.

I'm not sure what you're trying to say here, but I can attest that I have 9 aunts and uncles (7 on one side, 2 on the other). All but one of those are married. All but two of the married have kids (I have 13 first cousins) and almost all of my cousins have kids (my first-cousins-once-removed outnumber my generation).

When my sister got married, everyone was invited from all the aunts and uncles down to all of the first-cousins-once-removed. In fact, in my extended family there are very different levels of economic flexibility and nobody has ever not invited everyone to a family wedding. Maybe that's just my family though.

(I understand my numbers don't compound like yours, but I guess in my family having a large number of relatives isn't a justified excuse to exclude people)

kmbay84

redoryx, but we are having this conundrum for our wedding.  I am not trying to use my large extended family as an excuse for not inviting my cousins' children, but we just do not have the space or money for all of them.  My dad has six brothers and sisters, all married with kids, and my mom has 3 siblings, all with kids as well.  I have 23 cousins just on my dad's side and 14 just on my mom's side.  I added all of that up and there could be around 90-92 individuals just from my extended family.  That does include all of their SOs.  A number of my cousins have children and if I invited everyone that could be about 110 people just from my side.  That doesn't leave a lot of room for my FI's family and our friends, as all their SOs would be invited as well.  We just don't have enough space and money for my counsins' children as well.

I am not trying to be combative, just giving my opinion.  I can understand how that would work with your numbers though.  I can also understand how, like @WhatawagsSBNy was saying, the numbers could turn into a headache with that large of a family.  We have already had so many headaches over the children situation.  However, most of my cousins with kids will be living in the Green Bay area where the wedding will be, so hopefully I won't anger them too much.