I need to vent again

DaniBites

In the interest of not bitching out FSIL, I'm just going to complain to you guys.  If any of you recall previous posts, I've been having problems with FSIL.  I took everyone's advice and stopped telling her anything about the wedding, as has FI.  

FI just told me today that she bitched to his mom about how we're not having parent spotlight dances.  I know she already bitched to him about it which hurt enough, but now she's making a stink to his family about it!!  I don't understand how this effects her?!  It's NONE of her business.

I was tempted to send her a message apologizing for how my dad not being here to dance with is going to ruin MY wedding for HER </sarcasm> but I thought better of it and decided to bitch here.

I just don't get it.  My head hurts and my heart hurts.  

chibiyui

DaniBites

Now that you mention it...I haven't dipped into my monthly wine club case yet

lc07

She's allowed to be upset about it but it should not be coming back to you. You just have to do your best to not engage on the topic. I'm sorry you keep hearing about this. *hugs*

mikenberger

Whine and wine on, my dear.

DaniBites

lc07 said:

She's allowed to be upset about it but it should not be coming back to you. You just have to do your best to not engage on the topic. I'm sorry you keep hearing about this. *hugs*

Exactly...she can be upset all she wants I just wish she wouldn't run amok to her family complaining about it.  FI should have been given the chance to tell his mom about it, I don't think it was her place.

lc07

DaniBites said:

lc07 said:

She's allowed to be upset about it but it should not be coming back to you. You just have to do your best to not engage on the topic. I'm sorry you keep hearing about this. *hugs*

Exactly...she can be upset all she wants I just wish she wouldn't run amok to her family complaining about it.  FI should have been given the chance to tell his mom about it, I don't think it was her place.

That is terrible that she told his Mom before FI could tell her. I would be livid! 

Extra wine for you.

JeeGooDowster

Is she really upset about it?  Or is she just trying to find out more ways to complain and an AW

peachy13

Sorry OP. My FSIL also has little outbursts about my planning. She clearly thinks this is HER wedding (and for fun backstory: her actual wedding was several years ago after a rushed engagementg. She has since become very pinterest-y and etsy-y and I think wishes she could re-do her wedding).

DaniBites

mrsdowster said:

Is she really upset about it?  Or is she just trying to find out more ways to complain and an AW

I really think so.  I don't understand what she has to be upset about.

peachy13 said:

Sorry OP. My FSIL also has little outbursts about my planning. She clearly thinks this is HER wedding (and for fun backstory: her actual wedding was several years ago after a rushed engagementg. She has since become very pinterest-y and etsy-y and I think wishes she could re-do her wedding).

And this too.  She had a city hall wedding then eloped with her second H so she never got to have her dream wedding.  So naturally, she's going to try to hijack mine.  I think cutting her out of all the planning was the best thing we could have done but unfortunately she's taken all the details she already had her hands on and used them to talk crap to her family.  It's like she's trying to rally them against us (I'm probably being dramatic on that but you know...why try to turn everyone off of our wedding?)

hellosweetie1015

Your situation with your FSIL sucks, and I have no good advice for you.

I really only stopped in to tell you how much I love your siggy gif. And to offer to trade sisters with your FI (I don't have any FSiblingsILs to share) so you can have a better FSIL, and my OTHER sister and I can take some time to straighten your crazysauce one out for you.

PrettyGirlLost

DaniBites said:

lc07 said:

She's allowed to be upset about it but it should not be coming back to you. You just have to do your best to not engage on the topic. I'm sorry you keep hearing about this. *hugs*

Exactly...she can be upset all she wants I just wish she wouldn't run amok to her family complaining about it.  FI should have been given the chance to tell his mom about it, I don't think it was her place.

Wow, super dick move on her part.  What a wench..

This is something your FI has to handle. . . it's his sister, he should call out her shitty behavior.

My DH would have said to her

ChemFanatic25

lc07 said:

She's allowed to be upset about it but it should not be coming back to you. You just have to do your best to not engage on the topic. I'm sorry you keep hearing about this. *hugs*

Hold up, I'm confused. Why is this something where she is allowed to be upset? Like, the spotlight dances only have to do with the bride, groom, and parents right? Not the FSIL, so why would she be allowed to be upset? I mean if say OP had said "She wants to be usher but I won't let her", like FSIL is allowed to be upset because it directly impacts her, but spotlight dances? I don't get it.

KatieinBkln

ChemFanatic25 said:

lc07 said:

She's allowed to be upset about it but it should not be coming back to you. You just have to do your best to not engage on the topic. I'm sorry you keep hearing about this. *hugs*

Hold up, I'm confused. Why is this something where she is allowed to be upset? Like, the spotlight dances only have to do with the bride, groom, and parents right? Not the FSIL, so why would she be allowed to be upset? I mean if say OP had said "She wants to be usher but I won't let her", like FSIL is allowed to be upset because it directly impacts her, but spotlight dances? I don't get it.

Yeah. If she, the FMIL, the FFIL or anyone else came to me and said, "OMG FSIL is soooo upset" I would just do my best deadpan April Ludgate face and shrug. I find when you roll your eyes at people's bullshit and decline to take it seriously, the drama dissipates.

DaniBites

ChemFanatic25 said:

lc07 said:

She's allowed to be upset about it but it should not be coming back to you. You just have to do your best to not engage on the topic. I'm sorry you keep hearing about this. *hugs*

Hold up, I'm confused. Why is this something where she is allowed to be upset? Like, the spotlight dances only have to do with the bride, groom, and parents right? Not the FSIL, so why would she be allowed to be upset? I mean if say OP had said "She wants to be usher but I won't let her", like FSIL is allowed to be upset because it directly impacts her, but spotlight dances? I don't get it.

Yeah, unless she wants pictures I don't know why it's any of her concern.  If she was genuinely upset (which she's not, she just wants to bitch) I'd be sympathetic but the way she's handled this and every other aspect of the wedding planning has been disgusted.

KatieinBkln said:

ChemFanatic25 said:

lc07 said:

She's allowed to be upset about it but it should not be coming back to you. You just have to do your best to not engage on the topic. I'm sorry you keep hearing about this. *hugs*

Hold up, I'm confused. Why is this something where she is allowed to be upset? Like, the spotlight dances only have to do with the bride, groom, and parents right? Not the FSIL, so why would she be allowed to be upset? I mean if say OP had said "She wants to be usher but I won't let her", like FSIL is allowed to be upset because it directly impacts her, but spotlight dances? I don't get it.

Yeah. If she, the FMIL, the FFIL or anyone else came to me and said, "OMG FSIL is soooo upset" I would just do my best deadpan April Ludgate face and shrug. I find when you roll your eyes at people's bullshit and decline to take it seriously, the drama dissipates.

No, FMIL called FI to ask about the parent dances .  I feel horrible that she found out that way.  I told FI he can dance with her if he wants but he has a mom / stepmom situation anyway and he refuses to do a spotlight dance if I can't.  No ones really concerned that she's upset but they're all asking us about our choices now.

DaniBites

PrettyGirlLost said:

DaniBites said:

lc07 said:

She's allowed to be upset about it but it should not be coming back to you. You just have to do your best to not engage on the topic. I'm sorry you keep hearing about this. *hugs*

Exactly...she can be upset all she wants I just wish she wouldn't run amok to her family complaining about it.  FI should have been given the chance to tell his mom about it, I don't think it was her place.

Wow, super dick move on her part.  What a wench..

This is something your FI has to handle. . . it's his sister, he should call out her shitty behavior.

My DH would have said to her

He's been trying but I don't think he's being hard enough on her.  At this point I want him to stop asking her nicely and tell her if it keeps happening she won't have to worry about our wedding choices cause she won't be there.

PrettyGirlLost

DaniBites said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

DaniBites said:

lc07 said:

She's allowed to be upset about it but it should not be coming back to you. You just have to do your best to not engage on the topic. I'm sorry you keep hearing about this. *hugs*

Exactly...she can be upset all she wants I just wish she wouldn't run amok to her family complaining about it.  FI should have been given the chance to tell his mom about it, I don't think it was her place.

Wow, super dick move on her part.  What a wench..

This is something your FI has to handle. . . it's his sister, he should call out her shitty behavior.

My DH would have said to her

He's been trying but I don't think he's being hard enough on her.  At this point I want him to stop asking her nicely and tell her if it keeps happening she won't have to worry about our wedding choices cause she won't be there.

"Hey Sis, I'm really sorry that Dani's lack of a father is going to ruin OUR wedding day so much for YOU!  In fact, due to your emotional state, I think it's best that I not discuss the wedding with you at all from now on, and if it's clear that you are still this emotional by the time invitations go out I think it would be best for your emotional health if we didn't send you one.  I mean, you seem to be going through a lot and we don't want OUR wedding to cause you any further stress.

No seriously, Sis, knock it the fuck off.  Stop inserting yourself into our business.  It wasn't your place to talk to mom about the spotlight dances, and it was a dick move.  Don't pull a stunt like that again or the wedding won't be the only thing we won't be discussing anymore."

KatieinBkln

DaniBites said:

ChemFanatic25 said:

lc07 said:

She's allowed to be upset about it but it should not be coming back to you. You just have to do your best to not engage on the topic. I'm sorry you keep hearing about this. *hugs*

Hold up, I'm confused. Why is this something where she is allowed to be upset? Like, the spotlight dances only have to do with the bride, groom, and parents right? Not the FSIL, so why would she be allowed to be upset? I mean if say OP had said "She wants to be usher but I won't let her", like FSIL is allowed to be upset because it directly impacts her, but spotlight dances? I don't get it.

Yeah, unless she wants pictures I don't know why it's any of her concern.  If she was genuinely upset (which she's not, she just wants to bitch) I'd be sympathetic but the way she's handled this and every other aspect of the wedding planning has been disgusted.

KatieinBkln said:

ChemFanatic25 said:

lc07 said:

She's allowed to be upset about it but it should not be coming back to you. You just have to do your best to not engage on the topic. I'm sorry you keep hearing about this. *hugs*

Hold up, I'm confused. Why is this something where she is allowed to be upset? Like, the spotlight dances only have to do with the bride, groom, and parents right? Not the FSIL, so why would she be allowed to be upset? I mean if say OP had said "She wants to be usher but I won't let her", like FSIL is allowed to be upset because it directly impacts her, but spotlight dances? I don't get it.

Yeah. If she, the FMIL, the FFIL or anyone else came to me and said, "OMG FSIL is soooo upset" I would just do my best deadpan April Ludgate face and shrug. I find when you roll your eyes at people's bullshit and decline to take it seriously, the drama dissipates.

No, FMIL called FI to ask about the parent dances .  I feel horrible that she found out that way.  I told FI he can dance with her if he wants but he has a mom / stepmom situation anyway and he refuses to do a spotlight dance if I can't.  No ones really concerned that she's upset but they're all asking us about our choices now.

Yeah, that sucks. But I guess the only thing you can do is say, "Oh, I am so sorry you got this news secondhand. Your son and I decided that given my father's passing, we didn't want to have parent dances that would underscore his absence. I'm sure you understand."

(I LOVE "I'm sure you understand." It's such a conversation ender, and because it ascribes empathy and kindness to the listener, they can't really come back with anything that contradicts you. It's just the best.)

STARMOON44

Do you want her drama in your life?

If not, when your FI starts talking about her, cut him off and tell him you don't want to hear it. Ditto anyone else.

Threatening pronouncements about how she won't even be invited if she keeps "this" (as far as I can tell "this" primarily involves gossiping to her own mother which, whatevs) up is just going to dial up the drama in your life.

lc07

ChemFanatic25 said:

lc07 said:

She's allowed to be upset about it but it should not be coming back to you. You just have to do your best to not engage on the topic. I'm sorry you keep hearing about this. *hugs*

Hold up, I'm confused. Why is this something where she is allowed to be upset? Like, the spotlight dances only have to do with the bride, groom, and parents right? Not the FSIL, so why would she be allowed to be upset? I mean if say OP had said "She wants to be usher but I won't let her", like FSIL is allowed to be upset because it directly impacts her, but spotlight dances? I don't get it.

In no way do I think OP ought to re-think her plans because of this, but the spotlight dances can sometimes be something that family members really look forward to. Maybe she's always envisioned her mom dancing with her brother. Or knows that it's a big moment her mom has always looked forward to. She's allowed to be upset about that. But she needs to stop way short of being a bitch about it or making OP feel bad about it. And a private conversation between her and her mother should NOT have gotten back to OP. No one should be making OP or her FI feel bad about their decisions.