Wedding Party

I think I lack any real connections with my bridesmaids..

g0ldfish501g0ldfish501 member
First Comment
edited November 2014 in Wedding Party
Okay so this is my first time posting here and I could really use some insight. I know bridesmaids are only expected to show up to the wedding on time and be dressed, but I'm starting to think that they just... don't seem to care. About me. They just seem really indifferent about everything. I've known one of them since I was 5 years old and I still think we lack any real emotional connection, another is my roommate who will talk to me about her life and problems all the time but it still feels awkward and distant, and the third is a bridesdude (I can't think of a good word for it) that I'm not even sure knows whats going on at any given time. Maybe movies totally ruined it for me, but I always thought I'd have this really tight-knit group of friends who would want to go wedding dress shopping with me and tear up about seeing me in the perfect dress or be excited about having an awesome bachelorette party instead of complete indifference. Now I know that real life isn't like the movies and nothing's perfect, but I feel like I'm missing out on something by not being as close with my bridal party as I wish I was. The only person who seems to care about any of this is my sister/MOH. Hell, she's more excited about me trying on wedding dresses than I am. We talk almost every day and are always super happy to hang out together, and she lives 600 miles away. The thing is, I don't have anything close to that with the rest of my bridal party. I haven't even really spoken to any of them in days (not because of this, it's just how things have been). I just don't think they want the same kind of friendship and connections that I do, and I feel kind of isolated.

I guess I just wanted to ask if I'm being absolutely ridiculous? I've been going through a rough patch so there's a really good chance I'm blowing this out of proportion because of how much has been going on. If by any chance my feelings are somewhat valid, do y'all have any advice for me? I just really don't know what to do with all of this. 

I'd also like to apologize for being so scatter brained. I hope you understood what I'm trying to say, and that I didn't come off as extremely selfish. It wasn't my intention by any means.

Re: I think I lack any real connections with my bridesmaids..

  • Despite what you may read after my post, no you are not being ridiculous.  Every girl dreams of those bridal moments when she is the focus of attention and has a bridal party made of ladies who want the same.  Sadly, the reality is often quite different because  a) people have their own life dramas going on b) others don't care about your wedding as much as you do and c) they may have accepted because it is glamorous, on day of, to be "in" the wedding, but are apathetic about the rest.  I don't know how far away your wedding is, but if you have time, I would make two suggestions.  First meet FACE TO FACE with each prospective BM and get an idea of how they really feel about being in the wedding.  They may need a graceful way to opt out.  Second, if all are really in, host a luncheon or other non-alcholol meeting where you can all get together and just be "girlie".  Finally examine your phone conversations with them.  Are you asking about them and their lives or only talking about you and your wedding?  I don't see you as selfish or spoiled, but the movies are just not life.
    LittleWohlscheidjenijoyk
  • Okay so this is my first time posting here and I could really use some insight. I know bridesmaids are only expected to show up to the wedding on time and be dressed, but I'm starting to think that they just... don't seem to care. About me. They just seem really indifferent about everything. I've known one of them since I was 5 years old and I still think we lack any real emotional connection, another is my roommate who will talk to me about her life and problems all the time but it still feels awkward and distant, and the third is a bridesdude (I can't think of a good word for it) that I'm not even sure knows whats going on at any given time. Maybe movies totally ruined it for me, but I always thought I'd have this really tight-knit group of friends who would want to go wedding dress shopping with me and tear up about seeing me in the perfect dress or be excited about having an awesome bachelorette party instead of complete indifference. Now I know that real life isn't like the movies and nothing's perfect, but I feel like I'm missing out on something by not being as close with my bridal party as I wish I was. The only person who seems to care about any of this is my sister/MOH. Hell, she's more excited about me trying on wedding dresses than I am. We talk almost every day and are always super happy to hang out together, and she lives 600 miles away. The thing is, I don't have anything close to that with the rest of my bridal party. I haven't even really spoken to any of them in days (not because of this, it's just how things have been). I just don't think they want the same kind of friendship and connections that I do, and I feel kind of isolated.


    I guess I just wanted to ask if I'm being absolutely ridiculous? I've been going through a rough patch so there's a really good chance I'm blowing this out of proportion because of how much has been going on. If by any chance my feelings are somewhat valid, do y'all have any advice for me? I just really don't know what to do with all of this. 

    I'd also like to apologize for being so scatter brained. I hope you understood what I'm trying to say, and that I didn't come off as extremely selfish. It wasn't my intention by any means.
    Yep, movies ruined it for you (and for many of us). Just work on your friendship with them and don't worry about wedding implications.
    abbyj700novella1186
  • Take the wedding out of this and just work on your friendships with each person.  You say you want to have a close knit group of friends to be in your bridal party.  Well the only way to get that is by working on the friendships.  Spend quality time with each person and leave any and all wedding talk at the door.  Because your wedding is only one day, while your friendships will hopefully last far longer.

    And please do no to do what Lauderdale suggested and talk to your BMs about how they feel about being in your wedding.  They are adults and if they truly do not want to be in your wedding they will tell you.  By having the conversation she suggested will just make you look like a bridezilla.

    Remember just because you are getting married does not mean things in regards to friendships will change.  Your wedding is a huge deal to you because it is yours.  Your friends, I am sure, are happy for you and will be excited the day of but don't expect that excitement to last during your entire wedding planning process.  They have lives to live too.

    novella1186lc07PrettyGirlLost
  • I don't think you're being ridiculous. I've had times that I didn't feel connected to my friends, and I know it hurts. I think you need to focus on connecting with your friends, outside of the wedding planning, etc. Organize a dinner, have them over your house, go to a movie. Don't make it about the wedding. 

    And yes, things are not going to be like the movies. No one cried when I put on my wedding dress, not me or my mom or my best friends or my MIL. 

    My MOH planned a bach weekend and there were friends of mine that didn't come. That's life. Not everyone can drop everything, and as we say many times here, your wedding may be the most important thing in  your life right now, but that's not true for your friends. 
    novella1186PrettyGirlLost
  • Despite what you may read after my post, no you are not being ridiculous.  Every girl dreams of those bridal moments when she is the focus of attention and has a bridal party made of ladies who want the same.  Sadly, the reality is often quite different because  a) people have their own life dramas going on b) others don't care about your wedding as much as you do and c) they may have accepted because it is glamorous, on day of, to be "in" the wedding, but are apathetic about the rest.  I don't know how far away your wedding is, but if you have time, I would make two suggestions.  First meet FACE TO FACE with each prospective BM and get an idea of how they really feel about being in the wedding.  They may need a graceful way to opt out.  Second, if all are really in, host a luncheon or other non-alcholol meeting where you can all get together and just be "girlie".  Finally examine your phone conversations with them.  Are you asking about them and their lives or only talking about you and your wedding?  I don't see you as selfish or spoiled, but the movies are just not life.
    Ugh, no.  Hang out with your girls/guy, sure, but don't ask them about how they feel being in the wedding, and don't try to "offer them an out." That's a friendship ending move.  

    I know you're excited about the wedding, but the reality is that people do have a lot going on in their lives, and your wedding is probably not their #1 daily priority.  Movies about brides and weddings tend to be unrealistic.  I do understand that it may hurt to feel like your friends do not care, but they are adults with busy lives, and they can only maintain so much wedding excitement. I love my best friend, but I cannot maintain the same high of excitement that I showed her the first two months eight months down the road.  That doesn't make me a bad friend, there are just other things in life that are taking precedence. 

    Make sure you are being a good friend first.  Is it possible that you've been talking up your wedding so much they are distancing themselves?  When is the last time you called to chat or hang out about things that are non-wedding related?  Work on the friendships first, and then let the wedding-related things fall into place.  


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    PrettyGirlLost
  • I don't think you're being ridiculous. I've had times that I didn't feel connected to my friends, and I know it hurts. I think you need to focus on connecting with your friends, outside of the wedding planning, etc. Organize a dinner, have them over your house, go to a movie. Don't make it about the wedding. 

    And yes, things are not going to be like the movies. No one cried when I put on my wedding dress, not me or my mom or my best friends or my MIL. 

    My MOH planned a bach weekend and there were friends of mine that didn't come. That's life. Not everyone can drop everything, and as we say many times here, your wedding may be the most important thing in  your life right now, but that's not true for your friends. 

    @ClimbingBrideNY, I'm glad you said that. No tears were shed when I got my wedding dress either.

    To the OP, things never turn out as you expect them to. The most important thing is to make it through this crazy process and come out of it with a husband and having maintained your friendships. Focus on that. Spend some time finding out how their lives are. Spend a day with them without discussing the wedding.

    Thanks to the movies, I thought I'd have a big wedding party (with even sides) and everyone would come dress shopping with me. When we sat down and talked about it, we decided not to have a WP at all and my dress shopping happened by chance with my mom and one of her friends. It will still be an awesome wedding and I'm sure yours will too.

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    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I'm sorry to hear that your friends don't seem to be connected to you wedding-wise the way you would like.  Sadly, over-sentimental movies suggest that they are or should be when that just doesn't happen in real life.

    Don't talk to your friends about that, because you'll come off as bitter and self-centered.  Everyone has their own lives to lead, and they could be going through any number of things that they find more compelling than your wedding.  That doesn't mean that they don't love you or care about you.  I'd try just talking to them about your lives in general, without bringing up your wedding.  You can say that you miss spending time with them and would like to get together, and propose a situation that doesn't involve your wedding to do that in.  Then just go and have fun. 

    The only time they really need to "be there" for you is at your wedding itself, and even then, they just need to show up in the designated outfits, sober, in good spirits, and happy for you.  Even if nobody sheds tears on seeing you in your wedding gown, I'd assume that they still care about you.
  • First of all, I'd just like to thank everyone for all of your thoughtful replies! It means a lot and I will be thinking about the things you've told me the next time I get to see my friends :) Also, I don't expect them to cry when they see me in a dress (they're not really criers) it was just something I saw in a silly Buzzfeed video that kind of got stuck in my head. I guess I'm just romanticizing the emotional connection? Idk.

    Anyways, I don't think I talk about the wedding that often, but I may have been without realizing it. I will definitely be planning some one on one time with them in the near future for completely non wedding related conversation :) Thank you! 
    novella1186lc07

  • Despite what you may read after my post, no you are not being ridiculous.  Every girl dreams of those bridal moments when she is the focus of attention and has a bridal party made of ladies who want the same.  Sadly, the reality is often quite different because  a) people have their own life dramas going on b) others don't care about your wedding as much as you do and c) they may have accepted because it is glamorous, on day of, to be "in" the wedding, but are apathetic about the rest.  I don't know how far away your wedding is, but if you have time, I would make two suggestions.  First meet FACE TO FACE with each prospective BM and get an idea of how they really feel about being in the wedding.  They may need a graceful way to opt out.  Second, if all are really in, host a luncheon or other non-alcholol meeting where you can all get together and just be "girlie".  Finally examine your phone conversations with them.  Are you asking about them and their lives or only talking about you and your wedding?  I don't see you as selfish or spoiled, but the movies are just not life.
    No, no, no, please don't do this. If you do this, then your bridesmaids may get the impression that you no longer want them in your wedding.

    I'm also sorry that it feels like your bridesmaids aren't as invested in your wedding as you had hoped, but that is the truth of the matter--they're not, and they probably won't be. But that doesn't mean they won't be invested in it at all. As what was already said by PPs, they are probably very busy with their own lives and cannot devote as much time to think about your wedding. That doesn't mean they won't be excited for you on your big day.

    Plan a girls' brunch or a day of fun, either with all of your bridesmaids or on a one-on-one basis. But leave the bridal talk behind. Even if they bring it up (since it is probably just to be nice and to humor you), just smile and say "no wedding talk today!" This will give you the chance to better your friendships.
                                     Wedding Countdown Ticker

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    PrettyGirlLost
  • First of all, I'd just like to thank everyone for all of your thoughtful replies! It means a lot and I will be thinking about the things you've told me the next time I get to see my friends :) Also, I don't expect them to cry when they see me in a dress (they're not really criers) it was just something I saw in a silly Buzzfeed video that kind of got stuck in my head. I guess I'm just romanticizing the emotional connection? Idk.

    Anyways, I don't think I talk about the wedding that often, but I may have been without realizing it. I will definitely be planning some one on one time with them in the near future for completely non wedding related conversation :) Thank you! 
    It's really easy to start romanticizing what wedding planning is going to be like, but it's a recipe for disaster. Keep in mind that it's still just one day, in the end, and the relationships you have with these friends will be important long after your wedding day. Don't let your expectations ruin that. 

    And please do NOT do what Lauderdale suggested and sit them down for a chat about their feelings about being in your wedding. If they said yes, chances are pretty great that they feel fine about it, even if they're not jumping up and down excited all the time. If that changes and they can't or don't want to be in your wedding anymore, they'll tell you. But that would be a suuuuuper awkward conversation to have with them and would probably make them feel really bad. 
    holyguacamole79PrettyGirlLost
  • OP, you don't need a gaggle of bridesmaids to choose a wedding dress.  I went by myself.  I found what I wanted and was very pleased.  Nobody cried.
    It sounds like you have been watching wedding TV.  (SYTTD)  Those shows are completely artificial.  You are lucky to have your sister.  Cherish her!
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • What @CMGragain said! You have a MOH who is excited for you and wants to do all these things with you so cherish that and be excited that you have her. 
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    PrettyGirlLost
  • The only WP I was in, there were 4 BM's and the bride, and the only time we were ever in the same room at the same time, was in the church on the wedding day.

    We did our dresses and fittings independently, because no one could agree on a day or a time.

    One BM didn't go for any fittings, every time something was suggested, she said "I can't go". We didn't know why, she had no kids, one job, no one in her family was sick. On the wedding day, her dress was way too big in the waist/hips, and she was pissed. We pinned it, and all thought silently, this is why you should have gone for a fitting.

    But it all came together on the big day, and from the pictures, you would never know anything was amiss.

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