Opinions on Holiday Gifts

loves2shop4shoes

Hi Ladies!

So as many of you know, I've been estranged from my mom and brother since July. There has been no contact between us since then with the exception of my calling my mom to wish her a Happy Bday in late September, which did not go well. (That did not go well, as I literally called to say "Happy Birthday," and when she realized I wasn't going to sweep things under the rug, she went apeshit and tried to antagonize me into a fight. I maintained my calm, said I was calling to do the decent thing, clearly she did not appreciate that, and to have a lovely day. Then I hung up.)

DH and I are not planning to see my mom or brother for xmas. We are currently budgeting for and purchasing holiday gifts. We are sending out Christmas cards to our family, and plan on sending them cards. (The standard VistaPrint photo collage cards, no sentimental writing.) I am debating whether or not to send them each a small gift. DH says I can do whatever I want, but he personally feels it's a waste of money. I kind of agree with him, and think that there are MANY other people I'd rather spend the money on. The other part of me says, "How can you NOT send your family even a SMALL gift on CHRISTMAS?" So I'm a bit torn. I don't know what to do.

What say you?

bethsmiles

After the way the birthday phone call went, I absolutely think a card is enough. 

My mom is estranged from her brother (because he is a huge asshole) and she sent him and his family small gifts for awhile but she eventually realized that it really wasn't worth the money because they weren't appreciative at all. Now I don't think she even sends a card.

I think sending card is just the right balance, where you are still doing something so even if the door is shut it's a least unlocked for if they ever realize how hurtful they've been and want to try to repair their relationship with you.

Ollie08

All of what @bethsmiles said. A card will acknowledge them, but neither of them deserve a gift, even a cheap one. A card is more than sufficient.

lmcooper86

Everything @bethsmiles said.

There's no point buying gifts that aren't going to be appreciated OR gifts that are going to make your mom and brother think that everything's fine and dandy now. And given how your mom reacted on her birthday, I can see things going badly again when they realize that you're not just forgetting everything.

I think cards are fine. They acknowledge your mom and your brother at Christmas so you aren't "the awful person who totally ignored them and made everything worse", but you also aren't wasting your money.

KeptInStitches

Ditto @bethsmiles. The card is enough at this point.

GoldenPenguin

My parents & I don't speak to my uncle (the one that flipped out on me a couple years ago because I *gasp* support gay marriage). We don't even send him a card. 

Not worth the time or energy, as far as I'm concerned.

phira

There comes a point with some people where it doesn't matter what you do to reach out and be the better person because they won't see it. They'll focus on all the ways that you do wrong by them, and they won't appreciate the ways in which you reach out. I've experienced this firsthand recently, with my grandparents, and I know you just experienced it with your mother for her birthday a couple months ago.

There's that voice in your head that's horrified that you are considering not sending them gifts. That's the voice that's raised on all those hero/villain tropes where the difference between the hero and the villain is that the hero does good, even when it's not beneficial for the hero, because it's the right thing to do. It's the voice that says, "Sure, they're villains, but if you don't send them holiday gifts, you are no better than they are." But the voice ignores context. It ignores the emotional damage that comes with having to suck it up and be good and perfect all the time, that comes from being exceptionally kind to people who do not appreciate it, and who do not need that kindness.

It's also the voice of the part of you that knows that not sending gifts = "Ugh, Shoes is such a bad person, she didn't even send us HOLIDAY GIFTS." But it's the voice that ignores the fact that your mother and brother are not going to receive holiday gifts and think, "Ugh. This is so nice of Shoes. I feel awful about what's going on; I'm going to call and apologize." That's not going to happen. And if it were going to happen, it'll happen because of the holiday card you're still sending.

I hereby absolve you of all guilt and responsibility for not sending holiday gifts to your mother or brother.

eilis1228

After the birthday incident, I'd just send a card. It says that you're still there if they want to reconnect but it also shows you aren't a doormat. 

loves2shop4shoes

@Phira, thank you for saying that.  When you said sending a card won't make them realize the error of their ways, that really resonated with me.

Peaseblossom55

The nice peaseblossom who likes to make everyone happy and have things always be free of conflict says send a gift.  The honest peaseblossom says it isn't worth the effort after the birthday incident, just send a card.

I think honest peaseblossom wins out this time. 

speakeasy14

Agree, card is more than enough after the way she reacted. 

lilacck28

I voted the card will be more than enough.

Of course, I come from a family that has never really been big on holiday/ birthday gifts, and we often even forget about doing cards....so, I guess grain of salt?

But, honestly, (and especially because of my non-gift-giving background), I feel like sending a card is being nicer than their actions have merited.

cu97tiger

I would not get a gift for them, but I would write something on the card instead of just sending it with no writing.

MsSparky

I would send a card, with a nice note like @cu97tiger‌ suggested. You can wish them a nice Christmas, so that later they can't say you ignored them over Christmas.

WildMagelet

PPs are wise.  I would send a card and write *something* even if its just wishing them a happy holiday.  I would not send a gift.