Does Anyone Else Get Super Frustrated With Their Partner?

loveislouder

I'm at my wits end today. It's been building for a while but I just want to run around screaming because I'm so frustrated.

The most recent example: FI got a photo radar ticket while driving my car. No big deal, it happens. He told me not to worry, he'd take care of it right away. Well, I got a letter in the mail saying I'm in default because he never did anything with it. Ugh, fine. I ask him about it, he apologized, said he forgot. Okay, I can handle that. I asked him to please take care of it now. Either pay it, or go fight it. "Well, how do I fight it?" "I don't know. Go down there and find out." "How can you expect me to fight it if you don't even know how." THEN JUST PAY IT. Ugh.

I don't know if I'm just being overly cranky or what, but I'm so mad. My girlfriend put it to me this way: "You're agreeing to love, honour, and cherish, not love, honour and coddle so let him figure it out." I just don't know.

Anyone else feel like sometimes they have to mother their partner? (I hate the term partner but I'm too cranky to think of something better.)

luckya23

I was like this with my ex-FI... he could do very little on his own, not even use the internet (unless it involved porn).

I decided I wasn't ready to be a mother to an almost-40-year-old.

I don't think he ever grew up either, went back to live with his mom, worked now and then.

So yes I know the struggle - no, I wouldn't sign up for a lifetime!

birdybride2014

Yucky. 

We are lucky that neither of us really let anger build up before we tell each other that we're frustrated about something. I say you need to talk to him about being frustrated, letting it build results in resentment which is harder to overcome than just saying, "Hey, I'm pissed at you and let me vent a little and we can discuss!". 

Sometimes H says that I mother him, so I'm actually working on trying to care less about what he does and how he does it lol. 

lyndausvi

The club is closed for another week.  Dh is driving me crazy while I'm trying to work from home.   He is all "what are you doing?".  Umm, you know what I'm doing. 

Yesterday the satellite in the living room went off.  Mine was working downstairs in my office.   So of course he came down.  So I had to go up and "fix" the Tv.   Meaning, I shut it all down and restarted.   Internet goes off, I have to reboot.       He wants something from the store, he wants me to go with him.

The boy is almost useless.

Dare I say I'm looking forward to his 12 hour days again?

CMGragain

Marriage doesn't make this any better.  In our case, DH is the control freak.  He pays the bills, and I usually get the third degree when they come.  ("Did you buy something from these people?  What was it?  Oh, wait! Now I remember! I bought car parts there.") 
Marriage is a partnership.  The first year, you are working out who does what better.  I'm the "travel agent" who organizes his time, reminds him of appointments, even reminds him of a favorite TV show he wants to watch.  He gets very upset if he forgets to listen to Science Friday on the radio.  He's the bill payer and budget control.  We never make any important financial decisions without discussing it and agreeing.  We seldom have money conflicts, since we share the same goals.
Most of our conflicts were about raising the children.  He wasn't a hands-on Daddy.  I don't remember that he ever changed a diaper.  Our son needed special therapy, and that was left to me.  When the kids got older, he was there for those teenage years.  He was important as a role model for them both.
Every couple has to work out how they go through life.  You have barely begun.  Good luck!

PrettyGirlLost

I'm going to guess that your FI has acted like this before, right?

sarawifenow

I think it is natural to get frustrated with your SO. Lord knows H does some things that royally piss me off, but those feelings are few and far in between. I think that's the key. Do those annoyed feeling happen more often than not?

 

Now for this particular situation. Not paying a speeding ticket is a big deal. That will only screw you over in the end. The fact that he didn't pay it after he told you he would makes me think that he doesn't have respect for the situation. At least not as much as he should. I would be sitting there while he made the payment.

loro929

There are definitely some things that FI does that frustrate me (for example: he likes cleaning in a certain way, so more times than not after I clean he will re-wipe down the area as per his liking), but if he told me he would do something for me - and I find out by a letter demanding a payment that he did not, I would be more than frustrated - I would be livid. If he "forgot" to take care of something so simple as a speeding ticket, some red flags would be raised for trusting him in the future with more complex responsibilities. 

birdybride2014

sarawifenow said:

I think it is natural to get frustrated with your SO. Lord knows H does some things that royally piss me off, but those feelings are few and far in between. I think that's the key. Do those annoyed feeling happen more often than not?

 

Now for this particular situation. Not paying a speeding ticket is a big deal. That will only screw you over in the end. The fact that he didn't pay it after he told you he would makes me think that he doesn't have respect for the situation. At least not as much as he should. I would be sitting there while he made the payment.

ehhhh boxes!

this. I would be livid in this situation and do what sara says- watch him take care of it! But, this is also the mothering part of me that I'm working on haha 

Maggie0829

Does H frustrate me?  Yes.  Does he forget to do simple tasks?  Yes.  Does it take me holding his hand sometimes to make sure things get done?  Yes.

But I am sure that H gets frustrated as hell with me and things that I do.

loro929

Maggie0829 said:

Does H frustrate me?  Yes.  Does he forget to do simple tasks?  Yes.  Does it take me holding his hand sometimes to make sure things get done?  Yes.

But I am sure that H gets frustrated as hell with me and things that I do.

Yes! So much this, as I mentioned above that FI's "re-cleaning" habit bugs the shit out of me. I am sure the way I clean in the first place bugs the shit out of him. I guess we should just get a cleaning lady - for the sake of love, of course! :P

Maggie0829

loro929 said:

There are definitely some things that FI does that frustrate me (for example: he likes cleaning in a certain way, so more times than not after I clean he will re-wipe down the area as per his liking), but if he told me he would do something for me - and I find out by a letter demanding a payment that he did not, I would be more than frustrated - I would be livid. If he "forgot" to take care of something so simple as a speeding ticket, some red flags would be raised for trusting him in the future with more complex responsibilities. 

Seriously?  The OPs FI forget to pay the speeding ticket.  That happens.  Then he is unsure how to fight it so he asks how to do that.  Well unless you have had a speeding ticket before you wouldn't know how to fight it and asking for help is normal, better then him not asking and just not dealing with it.  But I certainly don't see this as a red flag where he will not be capable of taking care of a larger issue.

loveislouder

I'm going to throw some honesty out there.

I think I'm so screwed up from my parents splitting after 30 years that I'm just so scared that FI is going to up and leave if I tell him I'm frustrated. Which I KNOW he won't. We've talked about how I'm feeling about my parents, and he's made it perfectly clear that he's not going anywhere. But there's still that little what if in the back of my mind that thinks it could happen.

I'm working with a therapist right now to get deal with everything that's happening. I don't want any of what I'm saying to be misconstrued as me not being sure I want to marry him or anything negative like that. It's just a big change for me.

It makes me feel better that you all sometimes have to hold their hands too, and that it's not just me.  Thanks guys

loro929

Maggie0829 said:

loro929 said:

There are definitely some things that FI does that frustrate me (for example: he likes cleaning in a certain way, so more times than not after I clean he will re-wipe down the area as per his liking), but if he told me he would do something for me - and I find out by a letter demanding a payment that he did not, I would be more than frustrated - I would be livid. If he "forgot" to take care of something so simple as a speeding ticket, some red flags would be raised for trusting him in the future with more complex responsibilities. 

Seriously?  The OPs FI forget to pay the speeding ticket.  That happens.  Then he is unsure how to fight it so he asks how to do that.  Well unless you have had a speeding ticket before you wouldn't know how to fight it and asking for help is normal, better then him not asking and just not dealing with it.  But I certainly don't see this as a red flag where he will not be capable of taking care of a larger issue.

Yes but OP received a letter in the mail saying it was in Default because her FI did not address it in a timely manner when he said he would. So, yes, it would raise a flag or too with just assuming things would be taken care of a priori in the future.

Maggie0829

loro929 said:

Maggie0829 said:

loro929 said:

There are definitely some things that FI does that frustrate me (for example: he likes cleaning in a certain way, so more times than not after I clean he will re-wipe down the area as per his liking), but if he told me he would do something for me - and I find out by a letter demanding a payment that he did not, I would be more than frustrated - I would be livid. If he "forgot" to take care of something so simple as a speeding ticket, some red flags would be raised for trusting him in the future with more complex responsibilities. 

Seriously?  The OPs FI forget to pay the speeding ticket.  That happens.  Then he is unsure how to fight it so he asks how to do that.  Well unless you have had a speeding ticket before you wouldn't know how to fight it and asking for help is normal, better then him not asking and just not dealing with it.  But I certainly don't see this as a red flag where he will not be capable of taking care of a larger issue.

Yes but OP received a letter in the mail saying it was in Default because her FI did not address it in a timely manner when he said he would. So, yes, it would raise a flag or too with just assuming things would be taken care of a priori in the future.

Yeah he said he forgot to pay it which happens to everyone.  It does not mean that he basically blew it off and said 'fuck it.'

ETA:  and it certainly doesn't mean that one missed payment shows how he will handle all future issues.

amelisha

I am totally mom in most of our day-to-day life. I cook all the meals (and make him eat instead of starving himself because he can't be bothered to put down the Playstation controller), do all the laundry, do all the housecleaning and dishes and grocery shopping...and yeah, sometimes I do get a bit frustrated that without me he'd be starving and filthy....

But he is the one who is going to make sure we can afford to retire. He's the financial planner, investor, etc etc and if it weren't for him I'd either have to actually learn how to manage my money (unlikely) or spend the rest of my life with $42 in my savings account, making terrible shopping decisions and having no idea that people have, like, RSPs and stock portfolios. So it does kind of balance out.

princessofgenovia

If FI can't find something, he asks me where it is. Now I know, that sounds normal, we live together maybe I saw it. But he kind of takes it to the extrem. Like he called me at work the other day from his work because he could not find something in his office. Why in the world would I know where something is in his office? I had not been to his office recently, I didn't even what the thing looked like, how would I know where to find it?

Sometimes its adorable other times it's more...you're an adult, you know how to look for things, please leave me alone.

lacqueredlover

I don't feel like I have to mother my FI but sometimes I feel like he tries to "father" me.  It's because he has 2 kids and I get it but sometimes, the way he explains things to me is how he explains them to his 7 year old and I want to kick him in the balls.  

Next time he asks you how to do something, send him this link:

http://lmgtfy.com/  

lyndausvi

Maggie0829 said:

loro929 said:

There are definitely some things that FI does that frustrate me (for example: he likes cleaning in a certain way, so more times than not after I clean he will re-wipe down the area as per his liking), but if he told me he would do something for me - and I find out by a letter demanding a payment that he did not, I would be more than frustrated - I would be livid. If he "forgot" to take care of something so simple as a speeding ticket, some red flags would be raised for trusting him in the future with more complex responsibilities. 

Seriously?  The OPs FI forget to pay the speeding ticket.  That happens.  Then he is unsure how to fight it so he asks how to do that.  Well unless you have had a speeding ticket before you wouldn't know how to fight it and asking for help is normal, better then him not asking and just not dealing with it.  But I certainly don't see this as a red flag where he will not be capable of taking care of a larger issue.

So much this.  People make mistakes.  

Lord knows i do.   It's okay to be frustrated, but it's something else to assume it's red flag for bigger issues.

KatWAG

I was running out the door to go workout yesterday. So I asked H if he could do a couple things for me while I was gone. He said nope, sorry he was making dinner for us. What was he actually doing? Standing in the kitchen, reading a magazine, waiting for the water to boil.

Fumes came out me ears. So yes, I get frustrated with my H.

chibiyui

We were out at dinner the other week, and H made an offhand comment about being OCD. I told him that the word he meant was "anal" as he's not actually OCD. He became upset that I belittled his struggles and dismissed his concerns.

The next morning I went out into the kitchen to find my now empty oatmeal box with empty wrappers sitting on the counter 3 feet away from the trashcan. After picking up the half roll of used paper towels and multiple water glass sitting on his computer desk that accumulated over the week. But he's totally OCD.

Cookie Pusher

If DH and I didn't get frustrated with each other once in a while, we'd know something was seriously wrong. No one is perfect, and neither of us claims to be. We both forget to do stuff all the time (mostly minor stuff, sometimes not-so-minor stuff). If neither of us cared about each other and our relationship, that's when we'd stop getting frustrated when things like that happen.

But yea, that foot high pile of junk mail on the coffee table (and cardboard box full in the bedroom) that DH just couldn't bring himself to throw away? There were moments where I wanted to smother him with all of it.

AprilH81

I feel like that sometimes...  Usually with the mail.  I pay all the bills so those get taken care of but there always ends up being a huge pile of mail that he never does anything with until I've asked him 10 times.  Then he does something with 90% of it but there is still stuff there.

I got really angry (and a lot hurt) about this next story...  We bought a new house in May and the inspector mentioned a few issues with the fireplace/chimney so we wanted to get a professional to inspect & clean it before we burned a fire in it.

Back in August/September I asked DH to take care of this because I had handeled all of the contractor people for our kitchen remodel.  He never did, even after asking him about it a few times.  I finally called people last week to get pricing and appointments.  The closest appointment I could find was a WHOLE MONTH away.  I was so angry because I knew if he had done it when I asked 1) it would already be done and 2) it would not have been a month wait time.

I held out as long as possible, but damn it, it is cold outside and I want a fire!  I knew if I handled it immediately he would "learn" that if he didn't want to do something he just needed to wait long enough and I would do it.  I held out for about 3 months.    When I asked him why he didn't do it he responded "I don't think about it when I'm at work."

loveislouder

This isn't going to come out right, but I hope you all know what I mean: I'm glad that it's not my FI that does things like this. It makes me feel better knowing no one is perfect. 

abbyj700

amelisha said:

I am totally mom in most of our day-to-day life. I cook all the meals (and make him eat instead of starving himself because he can't be bothered to put down the Playstation controller), do all the laundry, do all the housecleaning and dishes and grocery shopping...and yeah, sometimes I do get a bit frustrated that without me he'd be starving and filthy....

But he is the one who is going to make sure we can afford to retire. He's the financial planner, investor, etc etc and if it weren't for him I'd either have to actually learn how to manage my money (unlikely) or spend the rest of my life with $42 in my savings account, making terrible shopping decisions and having no idea that people have, like, RSPs and stock portfolios. So it does kind of balance out.

It's all good to have one person in the house who's better with finances - but I'd advise anyone to learn about financial planning and be aware of the household finances. I had a friend who always said "oh, well Lisa handles the money" and he was always sure his wife was doing a stellar job at it. Until one day he woke up and they $40k in debt outside of their mortgage and cars (think credit cards, time share, none essentials). After 15+ years of marriage - he had NO idea. 

levioosa

I don't think forgetting to pay a speeding ticket is a huge red flag.  I've forgotten about parking tickets before, and there was even one bill that fell between my car seat that came back to bite me in the butt, however, I don't think those make me an irrational and disturbed person.  

Now, if he refused to go to the court without her and pitched a fit until she did it for him, that would be a different story.  

SO has been driving me crazy by complaining that my homework stresses him out at night.  Dude, I work all day, then I go to the gym, make you dinner and then finally get to my homework.  Tough titties that you just want to watch Netflix and my studying is apparently stressful.  (He truly does respect and support me in my education, and I get where he's coming from, but he really needs to learn to handle it better).

Also, if the bathroom is being used, he will use the kitchen sink to brush his teeth and I am not on board with that.  

We all get irritated with our SO's at times.  Just communicate with him and make sure you don't let it build up until it explodes.  As long as he makes efforts to change his actions and communicate with you, I think you'll be fine.  

abbyj700

loro929 said:

There are definitely some things that FI does that frustrate me (for example: he likes cleaning in a certain way, so more times than not after I clean he will re-wipe down the area as per his liking), but if he told me he would do something for me - and I find out by a letter demanding a payment that he did not, I would be more than frustrated - I would be livid. If he "forgot" to take care of something so simple as a speeding ticket, some red flags would be raised for trusting him in the future with more complex responsibilities. 

I TOTALLY wipe up the counter after DH. He will do this AWESOME job cleaning up all the dishes, loading the dishwasher, taking out trash and then BOOM he wipes the counter quickly off with a sponge. And so it looks clean...sort of. And the next time I put my hand on it my hand sticks. So yeah, I follow him and wipe them all down with Clorox wipes, usually when he's not looking now because I know it drives him nutty just like you! 

lacqueredlover

I'm sure you do shit that annoys him too.  That's life.  Nothing is perfect.  It annoys my FI that I don't put away the laundry right away when we get it back.  It annoys me that he leaves all the cabinets open.  We all do things that annoy our significant other.

larrygaga

I'm the frustrating one of the relationship and FI has the patience of a saint.

I dare you to name one person that isn't slightly annoying or frustrating.

Edit: I would never marry a man I had to mother. Ugh.

lacqueredlover

larrygaga said:

I'm the frustrating one of the relationship and FI has the patience of a saint. I dare you to name one person that isn't slightly annoying or frustrating.

Screw you, I'm perfect.

But no seriously, RuPaul is perfect.  That's about it.

loveislouder

levioosa said:

I don't think forgetting to pay a speeding ticket is a huge red flag.  I've forgotten about parking tickets before, and there was even one bill that fell between my car seat that came back to bite me in the butt, however, I don't think those make me an irrational and disturbed person.  

Now, if he refused to go to the court without her and pitched a fit until she did it for him, that would be a different story.  

SO has been driving me crazy by complaining that my homework stresses him out at night.  Dude, I work all day, then I go to the gym, make you dinner and then finally get to my homework.  Tough titties that you just want to watch Netflix and my studying is apparently stressful.  (He truly does respect and support me in my education, and I get where he's coming from, but he really needs to learn to handle it better).

Also, if the bathroom is being used, he will use the kitchen sink to brush his teeth and I am not on board with that.  

We all get irritated with our SO's at times.  Just communicate with him and make sure you don't let it build up until it explodes.  As long as he makes efforts to change his actions and communicate with you, I think you'll be fine.  

Ew this. FI did this once, and only once because I got so mad.

He also used my face cloth to clean the outside of the toilet when we moved because he couldn't find a rag. I went and bought a new one.